Thursday, December 22, 2011

To The Line, To The Lane: 2011-12 NBA Predictions

WHAM!  With the right hand!
The other night, after receiving multiple texts from The Iceman regarding the shittiness of Luke “Huda” Harangody (true dat), I flipped FSN-Ohio on to watch the hour long documentary titled “Have A Good Night Everybody”. It was basically twenty to thirty people affiliated with the NBA/Cavs (including the insanely blind Gordon Gund!) talking about how great the former Cavs radio broadcaster, Joe Tait, was as he retired after last season. And it is true, Joe Tait was amazing at calling basketball games. I would recommend it since there are plenty of Austin Carr pieces and it's fairly entertaining throughout.  Here are a few other things from the documentary which I found interesting: *Tait calls Mount Union football games (never knew that)
*Napoleon, Ohio was mentioned in the doc! WNDH 103.1 The One, baby!
*Lenny Wilkens told the worst story I’ve ever heard (about milkshakes [the fuck?]) and then referenced it again during the closing goodbye montage. I can’t do this terrible story justice for how bad it was.
*Bruce Drennan still loves ya, Cleveland.

Anyway, it did what I was hoping it would do…get me excited for the tip-off of the basketball season this weekend. Before I get into my real quick predictions, I want to talk about my Cavaliers for a hot minute.

Don’t get me wrong, they are still going to be terrible. I just want them to be competitive (which they were way too often not last year). I watched the two preseason games (because I am a waste of skin and poop) and Kyrie Irving looks like he’s going to be just fine. I’m sure he’ll make mistakes as rookies often do, but he will be entertaining and if you aren’t going to win many games, you better at least be intriguing. I honestly think that Alonzo Gee is the worst player in the league and he might start for this team, so yeah, they’re still lottery bound. And that’s OK. Let’s get to the predictions and mini-blurbs for each team.

East:
1. Miami – Fact: Pat Riley found Coach Spo when he was trolling for little boys in Thailand
2. Chicago – How have they not pulled off the Dwight Howard trade yet? They have the pieces to do it.
3. New York Knicks – Mike D’Antoni is still the worst coach in the league (and Vinny Del Negro is in this league)
4. Indiana – I love everything about this team (yes, including MANSBROUGH) which means that they’ll probably only win 20 games
5. Boston – Just watch in awe at how much they coast through this shortened season
6. Orlando – This organization is about to be bombed back into the stone age
7. Atlanta – Uh, maybe MUDawg can give us something about the Hawks…all I’ve got is that that Joe Johnson contract sure is abysmal, eh?
8. Philadelphia – Uh oh, it doesn’t look like Evan Turner could beat out the great Jodie Meeks at the starting SG spot
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9. Milwaukee – When I drafted Brandon Jennings on my fantasy team, I said “at least I know who will lead my team in missed shots this year”.
10. Washington - John Wall is super sick but everyone else on that team blows.
11. New Jersey – Kris Humphries for 8 million? FUCK YEAH!
12. Detroit – I like the Lawrence Frank hire a lot but this roster still makes no sense. They have the best “shitty wing depth” in the league though.
13. Cleveland – See above obvz.
14. Charlotte – As I mentioned the other day, JUST ACQUIRED BYRON JAMES MULLENS. I will let you know when the championship parade in Charlotte is.
15. Toronto – I can’t think of one nice thing to say about the Craptors.

West:
1. Oklahoma City – I am so sick and tired of people saying that Kendrick Perkins is good when he is not.
2. Dallas – Lost Butler, Chandler, and Barea but gained Lamar Odom for nothing. That’s a nice acquisition but their candy budget is going up.
3. LA Clippers – They still need another big but this team is going to make Donald Sterling one happy Grand Wizard for the KKK.
4. San Antonio – Eh, consider it a “pity fuck” for Mr. Ape who proudly owns a Manu Ginobili jersey for no reason
5. New Orleans – They will definitely be better than you think.
6. LA Lakers – Their roster is awful since Josh McRoberts is their 4th best player and their coach is questionable at best. I wouldn’t be surprised if they missed the playoffs actually.
7. Denver – Same thing as New Orleans although it would be nice if some of their players weren’t stuck overseas
8. Minnesota – Rick Adelman can flat out coach and they have a good rotation. I’m calling for the upset!
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9. Portland – I always liked Brandon Roy and it’s a shame that his knees forced him to retire.
10. Phoenix – Steve Nash deserves better than this.
11. Sacramento – I wonder what DeMarcus Cousins and Jimmer talk about? I bet those are some great conversations.
12. Memphis – Last year was a fluke. They will be worse with Rudy Gay healthy. Book it.
13. Houston – Rebuild mode. Did they hire Kevin McHale to coach? I want to think that they did.
14. Golden State – I’m just happy that Mark Jackson is off of TV. “THERE GOES THAT MAN” and “HAND DOWN. MAN DOWN” are two of the worst catchphrases in sports history.
15. Utah – This team blows.

MVP: Kevin Durant
Coach: Frank Vogel (he’s at Indiana)
ROY: Kyrie Irving

2011-2012 Champion: Ugh, the Miami Heat. They’ll beat the Thunder. I agree with Magic Johnson that fucking a bitch with AIDS is a bad idea and that if the Heat don’t do it this year, it’s not going to happen ever. They are built for this type of schedule and the teams put together to stop them are either too reliant on old veterans or don’t have the chemistry yet. This is going to make me sick.

You know what else is going to make me sick? Watching my embarrassing Charlies Coles-led RedHawks get destroyed by Ohio State tonight. I’m in section 117 for anyone attending. Something to keep an eye on: Miami is 2-1 against the RPI top 100 this year and 0-5 against teams over 100. How is that even fucking possible? Either way, fuck it, we win tonight as a nice early Christmas gift to me.

33 comments:

Grumpy said...

When the Cavs drafted Ron Harper in '86, I listened to Joe Tait call every game his rookie year. Man could paint a picture with words.

I'll watch for you on tv tonight; do something to draw attention to yourself, like sucking your own dick.

GMoney said...

If I could fellate myself, I wouldn't be attending crappy basketball games, would I?

Our program is so bad these days that it might be time to start considering the old brown paper bag over the head routine.

Some genius put together one of those played out Hitler reaction videos after we lost to Evansville at home on Tuesday by letting them shoot nearly 80% in the second half...it is glorious. Hitler "reacting" to Charlie's ineptitude was totes LOLZ.

Grumpy said...

I've seen most of the Hitler parodies and that one was fantastic. "You should hear what he says about the ticket office".

Prime99 said...

I'm just glad the Bulls are good again. The post Jordan era was rough for awhile but Derrick Rose has brought me back to paying attention to the NBA.

Jimmer is the Tim Tenor of the NBA. I think the Kings will be interesting this year.

GMoney said...

Tim Tenor thinks that Joseph Smith was full of shit though. And he's right!

Mr. Ace said...

I like the Spurs chances in a shortened season with a healthy Manu.

i feel the same way about Brandon Roy.

The Grizz are for real. No way they miss the playoffs.

...I think the Heat win it too. Hopefully the double kiss of death keeps Lebron away from the title.

GMoney said...

Headline on msnbc.com's entertainment page:

"VOTE: Who plays the best Sarah Palin?"

Duh, it's Lisa Ann and no one else is even close.

Anonymous said...

At least you'll be able to get hammered while the redhawks get murked.

Dut

Anonymous said...

They don't sell alcohol at college events.

Did anyone have Monta Ellis in the Lockout League?

Ide

Daniel said...

NBA sucks. If all NASCAR fans are considered redneck white trash, what does that make you?

Daniel said...

G$ - get your flashlight ready...Matt Barkley press conference at 4 PM

Daniel said...

That's supposed to say flesh light...damn auto spell.

GMoney said...

Monta Ellis was undrafted and that's a damn shame although sexting would not earn many points.

Since Kalil went, I can't see Barkley staying.

GMoney said...

Wrong, Ide, they do sell beer at college events. Xavier does. West Virginny does. Stop being wrong all the time.

Brady said...

Obviously I am not an NBA fan. I root for the Cavs because it is Cleveland but in no way am I qualified to discuss the NBA at length. Go Cavs and fuck Lebron. I'm still pissed he was wearing a Yankees hat in Cleveland during the 2007 ALDS. Fucking dick.

Brady said...

Yeah, they sell beer at BGSU football games too.

The Iceman said...

Did you see that picture of Kendrick Perkins from a few days ago? I guess he dropped like 60 pounds and looks like he has full blown AIDS. It's awesome for those of us who fucking hate Perkins.

"NBA preseason is still real to me dammit!!"
Classic.

Some moron dropped Stephen Jackson in my fantasy league. Yes. Yes I will add him to my roster.

Did anyone else watch the Tim Tenor special Sports Center had on last night? It made him look like the creepiest, weirdest most fucking awkward human on the planet. Drew would have loved it.

Anonymous said...

Iceman, I saw the Tenor thing last night. Him singing church hymns throughout the game was classic.

-Damman

The Iceman said...

"Our God....is an awesome God, he reigns from Heaven above..."

Don't get me wrong. I love me some God. But I prefer something a little more up tempo when I'm getting ready to play a football game.

Anonymous said...

Ide- the game is being played at nationwide arena. They are allowed to serve booze. Stop being so stupid all the time.

Dut

GMoney said...

Where the fuck is Drew?

Anonymous said...

Iceman- obvz that is a shitty league If the commish allows Steven Jackson to be waived and claimed. I guess not every commish is elite like myself though?

Dut

Brady said...

"Don't get me wrong. I love me some God."

How can you... Why would you... Ahhh never mind.

GMoney said...

I guess not every commish is elite like myself though?

That isn't a question, King Of Eliteness. Nice try.

And he was talking about batshit crazy basketball Stephen Jackson, not shitty Rams RB Steven Jackson. God damn you're even more awful than usual today. To quote the great -Rex, "Nice Ram, fag".

I hope that I'm not the only working tomorrow because it's going to be our annual Christmas post.

Brady said...

I'll be working G$ and will probably in a pissy mood because everyone else won't be. Looking forward to that Christmas post.

Anonymous said...

Daniel:

I believe the answer you're looking for is ninja lover?

The Iceman said...

I'll be working as well. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Further proof Dut is a complete dipshit.

Anonymous said...

I'll be working from home tomorrow.. Meaning I might check my email once. Have fun going to the office (or in icemans case, the gas station), fags!

Dut

GMoney said...

Matt Barkley is a cocksucking faggot.

Prime99 said...

Someone check Lane Kiffin's bank records!

The Iceman said...

What Dut meant to say...

I'll be working from home tomorrow.. Meaning I'll be receiving anal sex from many many homosexual men.

Brady said...

Barkley is an overrated turd anyway.

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