|WHAM! With the right hand!|
*Napoleon, Ohio was mentioned in the doc! WNDH 103.1 The One, baby!
*Lenny Wilkens told the worst story I’ve ever heard (about milkshakes [the fuck?]) and then referenced it again during the closing goodbye montage. I can’t do this terrible story justice for how bad it was.
*Bruce Drennan still loves ya, Cleveland.
Anyway, it did what I was hoping it would do…get me excited for the tip-off of the basketball season this weekend. Before I get into my real quick predictions, I want to talk about my Cavaliers for a hot minute.
Don’t get me wrong, they are still going to be terrible. I just want them to be competitive (which they were way too often not last year). I watched the two preseason games (because I am a waste of skin and poop) and Kyrie Irving looks like he’s going to be just fine. I’m sure he’ll make mistakes as rookies often do, but he will be entertaining and if you aren’t going to win many games, you better at least be intriguing. I honestly think that Alonzo Gee is the worst player in the league and he might start for this team, so yeah, they’re still lottery bound. And that’s OK. Let’s get to the predictions and mini-blurbs for each team.
1. Miami – Fact: Pat Riley found Coach Spo when he was trolling for little boys in Thailand
2. Chicago – How have they not pulled off the Dwight Howard trade yet? They have the pieces to do it.
3. New York Knicks – Mike D’Antoni is still the worst coach in the league (and Vinny Del Negro is in this league)
4. Indiana – I love everything about this team (yes, including MANSBROUGH) which means that they’ll probably only win 20 games
5. Boston – Just watch in awe at how much they coast through this shortened season
6. Orlando – This organization is about to be bombed back into the stone age
7. Atlanta – Uh, maybe MUDawg can give us something about the Hawks…all I’ve got is that that Joe Johnson contract sure is abysmal, eh?
8. Philadelphia – Uh oh, it doesn’t look like Evan Turner could beat out the great Jodie Meeks at the starting SG spot
9. Milwaukee – When I drafted Brandon Jennings on my fantasy team, I said “at least I know who will lead my team in missed shots this year”.
10. Washington - John Wall is super sick but everyone else on that team blows.
11. New Jersey – Kris Humphries for 8 million? FUCK YEAH!
12. Detroit – I like the Lawrence Frank hire a lot but this roster still makes no sense. They have the best “shitty wing depth” in the league though.
13. Cleveland – See above obvz.
14. Charlotte – As I mentioned the other day, JUST ACQUIRED BYRON JAMES MULLENS. I will let you know when the championship parade in Charlotte is.
15. Toronto – I can’t think of one nice thing to say about the Craptors.
1. Oklahoma City – I am so sick and tired of people saying that Kendrick Perkins is good when he is not.
2. Dallas – Lost Butler, Chandler, and Barea but gained Lamar Odom for nothing. That’s a nice acquisition but their candy budget is going up.
3. LA Clippers – They still need another big but this team is going to make Donald Sterling one happy Grand Wizard for the KKK.
4. San Antonio – Eh, consider it a “pity fuck” for Mr. Ape who proudly owns a Manu Ginobili jersey for no reason
5. New Orleans – They will definitely be better than you think.
6. LA Lakers – Their roster is awful since Josh McRoberts is their 4th best player and their coach is questionable at best. I wouldn’t be surprised if they missed the playoffs actually.
7. Denver – Same thing as New Orleans although it would be nice if some of their players weren’t stuck overseas
8. Minnesota – Rick Adelman can flat out coach and they have a good rotation. I’m calling for the upset!
9. Portland – I always liked Brandon Roy and it’s a shame that his knees forced him to retire.
10. Phoenix – Steve Nash deserves better than this.
11. Sacramento – I wonder what DeMarcus Cousins and Jimmer talk about? I bet those are some great conversations.
12. Memphis – Last year was a fluke. They will be worse with Rudy Gay healthy. Book it.
13. Houston – Rebuild mode. Did they hire Kevin McHale to coach? I want to think that they did.
14. Golden State – I’m just happy that Mark Jackson is off of TV. “THERE GOES THAT MAN” and “HAND DOWN. MAN DOWN” are two of the worst catchphrases in sports history.
15. Utah – This team blows.
MVP: Kevin Durant
Coach: Frank Vogel (he’s at Indiana)
ROY: Kyrie Irving
2011-2012 Champion: Ugh, the Miami Heat. They’ll beat the Thunder. I agree with Magic Johnson that fucking a bitch with AIDS is a bad idea and that if the Heat don’t do it this year, it’s not going to happen ever. They are built for this type of schedule and the teams put together to stop them are either too reliant on old veterans or don’t have the chemistry yet. This is going to make me sick.
You know what else is going to make me sick? Watching my embarrassing Charlies Coles-led RedHawks get destroyed by Ohio State tonight. I’m in section 117 for anyone attending. Something to keep an eye on: Miami is 2-1 against the RPI top 100 this year and 0-5 against teams over 100. How is that even fucking possible? Either way, fuck it, we win tonight as a nice early Christmas gift to me.