Friday, December 09, 2011

The Sixth Annual Weisman Award Goes To:

The patron saint himself.
Today, we must give out the most prestigious award that combines both college football and sports blogging. This is the fifth year that we've done this now and I've nailed it on the head each time. You see, this blog has it's own version of the Heisman Trophy that we give out. But that award has long since been trademarked by those bastards at the Downtown Athletic Club. So we now officially call this award for college football's best (and most signature) player the "Weisman Award". It is (obviously) named after Derek Weisman AKA that weird guy I went to high school with that may or may not have been related to Pickle. I literally have zero to say about him because he added nothing to everything. But I remember him and his last name rhymes with Heisman so here is his 15 minutes of "fame". Past Weisman Award winners:
2006 - Colt Brennan
2007 - Tim Tebow
2008 - Tim Tebow
2009 - Toby Gerhart
2010 - Cam Newton

The Heisman voters tend to not give the award to the best player (how Mark Ingram beat out Toby Gerhart, I will never understand). But the Weisman does. We did last year with Cammy Cam Cam.  We correctly awarded Tebow back-to-back since Navajo Sam shit the bed in his biggest game.  And we ignored Troy Smiff because Colt was an unstoppable force on the football and rape field. 

We don't look entirely at numbers or wins and losses or schedules, we vote with our eyes. Who is kicking the most ass EVERY WEEK. You can't mail-in games against lesser opponents. You curbstomp those fags just as hard as you would for your rival. This is why Tebow lost out on a 3rd straight Weisman unfortunately. This is why Terrelle Pryor was never be considered (he didn't bring the thunder every week like he should have). It's time to embrace the best of the best and crown the 2011 Weisman Award winner.

Those who were not invited:
Andrew Luck - For the life of me, I can’t understand why Luck got invited to New York. I am well aware that he is going to the truth at the next level and that he speaks like the Cookie Monster, but I need more. The guy averaged 264 yards and 3 touchdown passes per game. Very good, but not ELITE. If The Weisman was given out to the guy who was best at handing the ball off or throwing to tight ends, then Luck might be considered. But it isn’t so you keep working on that degree in architecture, jerk.
LaMichael James - I have very little respect for the products of gimmicky systems. But I’ll be nice since I don’t want to be on the business end of LaMichael’s titanic under-bite
Trent Richardson - T-Rich is another example of someone that is going to kill it in the NFL, but exactly what was I supposed to be impressed by this year? What was his signature moment? Don’t even think about saying “Auburn” because Paul Finebaum could score thrice on that defense. Richardson was held to 37 yards by Kent State by the way.
Brandon Weeden - Dude, you’re an old man. Why are you still playing college football? Get out of here.
Case Keenum - Pffffffffft, way to not win Conference USA…whatever that is
Tyrann Mathieu - I give no fucks about “The Honey Badger” and his playmaking abilities. Here is what I know about him: he isn’t even the best cornerback on his team, he was suspended (for drugs I think) earlier this season, and he clotheslined a Roll Damn Tider in a blatant cheap shot. I don’t respect that or his stupid hair. He’ll fit in well with the Lions though.

The invitees:
Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State - In my opinion, he is the best player in the country and it really isn't close. He's built like goddamn T.O. yet appears to be the nicest guy ever. I saw something where he's BFFs with some little white girl that has leukemia. That's cool as shit. Enjoy your time with the Rams, JB!
Montee Ball, RB, Wisconsin - He's good, but I don't think he's THAT good...if that makes sense. I'm fairly certain that any decent back could put up a monster in Wisconsin's system. But still, 38 touchdowns is 38 touchdowns so I better recognize. I just won't give him the award.
Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor - Come Saturday night, he better be the one holding the trophy at 9 pm. There is no one more exciting to watch in college football. He might as well call himself The Rock because RG3 is the most electrifying man in football today. And if you disagree with Griffin winning the award just ask yourself this: When was the last time that Baylor was relevant? Yet he only finished third in the Weisman vote. If Griffin is third and Ball, Luck, Richardson, and Mathieu have already been mentioned, then WHO THE HELL ARE THE TOP TWO!!!
Collin Klein, QB, Kansas State - Who? Oh, Klein only had 12 touchdown passes this season but did you know who finished second in rushing touchdowns behind Ball? Yep. CK had 26 of them bitches. Kansas State finished 10-2 this season. Did you even realize that? That's incredible. I'm giving Klein the runner-up trophy for resurrecting a dead program and doing so with a badass season.

The 2011 winner of The Money Shot's Weisman Award is...

Matt Barkley, QB, USC.
I don't care if I'm called a Barkley jock sniffer. I really don't. The guy lived up to all of the expectations this season and then some. Hell, USC and their 65 scholarship players and no bowl eligibility are ranked FIFTH in the AP. That is amazing. The Trojans play primarily all Freshmen and Sophomores.

Matt Barkley threw for more yards, more touchdown passes, and less interceptions than Andrew Luck this year. All FACTS. Barkley had signature games on the road at both Notre Dame and Oregon. It actually boggles my mind that he didn't finish in the top 5 of the Heisman vote. In my opinion, he was the best player in college football this year. So congrats, Matt Barkley, on winning the 2011 Weisman Trophy.

And if you decide to go back to USC for your Senior season (as Matt Kalil is apparently doing for some dumb fucking reason even though he's a top 3 pick), I will take this fucking award back. Everything is shaping up for you to be a Redskin. As some boy band once mouth-queefed, "quit playing games with my heart".  Go pro, dammit.

So there you go. Six years in a row of getting it right while the actual Heisman voters continually fuck it all up. I'm going to celebrate another year of being wise with some college hockey tonight. Go RedHawks!


Grumpy said...

I'll admit I didn't see that coming, but the more I think about it I have to agree. Nailed it.

On a personal note, Iceman requested I be his Facebook friend. I already regret clicking "confirm".

Anonymous said...

Not a bad pick...and you aren't gonna take his award back when he comes back. The Skins will still suck next year, so you can get him then.

Let's face it...we're gonna be talking about the NBA again today. I LOVE that Dan Gilbert sent another butt-hurt e-mail and all of the NBA players are just bashing the shit out of him. Good luck ever getting free agents again Cleveland!

Can't wait to see if some of them strike today like they were saying they will last night. Doubt they will, but today is gonna be interesting.....


GMoney said...

I admit that I am unaware of what happened with Gilbert and the players. I just know that they nixed that trade (which was awesome for all parties mind you) for literally no reason.

It's actually quite amazing what Lane Kiffin did this year with limited resources.

You're right, Drew, he's going to break my heart. I should be preparing for it already.

Anonymous said...

Here is the e-mail Gilbert sent in all it's glory. He actually uses hypothetical future moves as a justification...he also has some of his facts wrong. NBA players are destroying him for whining again....


It would be a travesty to allow the Lakers to acquire Chris Paul in the apparent trade being discussed.

This trade should go to a vote of the 29 owners of the Hornets.

Over the next three seasons this deal would save the Lakers approximately $20 million in salaries and approximately $21 million in luxury taxes. That $21 million goes to non-taxpaying teams and to fund revenue sharing.

I cannot remember ever seeing a trade where a team got by far the best player in the trade and saved over $40 million in the process. And it doesn’t appear that they would give up any draft picks, which might allow to later make a trade for Dwight Howard. (They would also get a large trade exception that would help them improve their team and/or eventually trade for Howard.) When the Lakers got Pau Gasol (at the time considered an extremely lopsided trade) they took on tens of millions in additional salary and luxury tax and they gave up a number of prospects (one in Marc Gasol who may become a max-salary player).

I just don’t see how we can allow this trade to happen.

I know the vast majority of owners feel the same way that I do.

When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?

Please advise….

Dan G.

GMoney said...

It's unfortunate that this leaked and that he's still butt-hurt, but he does make one great point:

When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?

I agree that they need to do something to stop a few teams from hoarding all the players, but this was not the time to draw a line in the sand. The Hornets were getting 4 starters and a pick for a guy with bad knees!

GMoney said...

By the way, congratulations to Charlie Weis for getting another job that he doesn't deserve. I'm not sure what Kansas is thinking but maybe they just had no idea what to do with all of Mark Mangino's old clothes. Problem solved.

Anonymous said...

Weis is an amazingly bad dumb fo real.

G$...that last point was not a great point by Gilbert. The owners just locked out the players TO MAKE THE LEAGUE MORE FAIR FOR ALL TEAMS. They sign teh new CBA...then two hours later the Lakers make a completely fair trade....adn Gilbert fires off whiny e-mail bitching about the CBA that he just signed and agreed with!


GMoney said...

I thought I heard that he didn't sign the CBA since it didn't change anything. That he was one of the handful that did not approve. Maybe that isn't accurate though.

By the way, congrats on bringing back the overrated Tayshaun. I'm surprised he didn't go after a change in scenery.

Anonymous said...

Matt Barclay over rg3? Awful. Even though USC has limited schollys, they still have a shitload of talent. It's not like Barclay is playing with the sisters of the poor. I can't wait to see the skins pass on this Honkey. Give rg3 the award he deserves!

Nba proves once again that their league is a joke.

Was at the Cbj game last night. All I gotta say is LOLZZZZ...

How about Antonio brown being ELITE last night!?!?


Prime99 said...

I don't mind the Barkley pick, and you make fair points about the rest of the group. I do think he's leaving for the NFL, so get ready to stroke his shit from late April - September.

I think it is funny that the Lakers are now stuck with players that know about the nixed trade. Not the best sitch

Anonymous said...

I like how Dut referred to him as OSU's kicker Devin Barclay from a year ago...instead of his real name Barkley.

I'm with you G$ on how impressive USC's season has been. Kiffin proved me wrong this year...he just may be a good coach.

I don't want to talk about the Tayshaun Prince resigning.


GMoney said...

Dut, Lange has to be pissed about that Antonio garbage TD! I like it!

The Blue Jackets loss last night defined LOLZ. Only a truly terrible team loses like that.

USC has talent, certainly, but it's mostly guys that are 18-19 years old. RG3 is going to be happy come Saturday night anyway, he doesn't need The Weisman.

You know, Stern and Gilbert are going to take the heat for this but what did they do wrong? The owners are footing the bill for this team and why would they want to make the Lakers better? Fuck that. If I owned the Blazers and was told that I had to vote on this trade that would set the Lakers up for years, I would have voted no, too. Fuck that shit. If you don't want me to poop on this, then don't ask me to pay for a franchise that I don't own.

And it fucking sucks that these assholes get to act like free agents when they aren't. The 2010 Olympics are going to end up being the worst thing that ever happened to the NBA.

The Iceman said...

Whatever Grumpy. You'll never regret having the opportunity to read my unlimited posts about poop.

G$ wants to gingerly touch tips with Boner Lover Barkley.

LaMichael James reminds me of Jaws from the Goldeneye video game...but less white.

Tayshaun Prince on the Pistons makes my eyes rain.

Dan Gilbert is LOLZZZZ.

GMoney said...

The more I read and hear about this no-trade, the more I laugh at how David Stern is just making shit up now. He sucks so much that he should play for the Blue Jackets.

Brady said...

I have to go with RGIII. That dude is electric and he better be wearing orange and brown next year. I'm sure we will trade down 4 times and select a marginal OL from SMU or some shit like that though. Fucking Browns.

The Iceman said...

Browns need a RB and WR more than QB. That is not an endorsement of Colt McCoy but rather a statement to show exactly how shitty those 2 positions are for Cleveland.

Brady said...

Agreed Ice. We could probably use another CB as well after watching Sheldon Brown fall down, chase Antonio Brown from 10 yards back and generally suck huge cock last night. How many fucking 3rd and 10+ conversions can a man take before he goes clinically insane? I just may find out this season.