This chick is about to get murdered. Or fucked. Or murdered then fucked.
Casey Pachall fucking rules. A quick, completely unrelated story about my weekend before we get into things here. Never, I repeat, NEVER go to a bar called YeeHas on the east side of Toledo...unless you're complete white trash and brush your teeth with meth every day. Do you know what's hilarious about white trash bars? Anything goes. The limitations on the fucked up shit you see are literally endless. When I was closing my tab, a Mexican guy was trying to eat his girlfriends face as if she were a hot dog. He smelled like fish. Even the bartender was disgusted which was impressive since she was clearly top of the line gutter trash. But nothing in all my life travels could have prepared my eyeballs for what happened next.
Oh. Did I mention there was a Creed/Nickleback cover band playing with no member younger than 40? Yeah...absorb that real quick. So we're getting ready to leave and I happen to glance over just in time to witness a grown man sticking his entire arm down this incredibly fat lady's trousers. We're talking like...to the fuckin elbow. At first I thought it was Damman but then remembered that chicks under 250 really aren't his brand. I was half tempted to say something but since it was the east side I'm sure at least half of the people there had a weapon on them. Getting shanked in a white trash bar hasn't cracked the bucket list yet. So I just turned around and left. While walking out, I contemplated cramming two fingers down my throat to discharge everything in my system. I'm not sure how that would have solved anything but after witnessing a shit show like that, rationality about ANYTHING gets tossed. While I go dig my eyeballs out of my skull with a melon baller, enjoy these bowl predictions.
Beef 'O Brady's Bowl
Florida Int. (-4) vs. Marshall
This game looks to be about as exciting as someone wiping their butthole on your bare skin. Is there anything more soul crushing than a fierce showdown between the Sun Belt and C-USA? Grumpy naked. That is more soul crushing, hands down. Here it is. Marshall is terrible on defense and Matthew McConaughey is not showing up as a fake coach and inspiring this team to a heart felt win. My guess is afterwards Marshall is going to wish they all died in a plane wreck. Florida Int. (-4)
TCU (-10) vs. Louisiana Tech
Is there another bowl out there more homosexual sounding than the Poinsettia Bowl? What are the qualifications to play in it? Is there a one cock suck minimum to gain an invite? I can't believe a ranked team is playing in such a shitty bowl BEFORE Christmas. That's as cool as my girlfriend's tardbox cat eating garbage then promptly puking at the foot of the bed. Short breakdown. Both teams can score it and both teams have average defenses but TCU has Pachall...and Pachall fucked your sister last night with relative ease. Not that those two things are related in any way. TCU (-10)
Boise St. (-14.5) vs. Arizona St.
Once again, the lesson to be learned here is if you are a mid-major...don't fucking lose a game unless you want to play in terrible bowl games no one cares about. Jesus Herbert Christ, another ranked team playing before Christmas. The horror. This has Boise "Uppercutting ASU's poop hole" written all over it but I actually like ASU to keep it relatively close. Osweiler isn't nearly as bad as most of the QB's Boise has faced all year and 14.5 is a ton to cover considering how high octane ASU's offense can be. ASU (+14.5)
Nevada (+6) vs. Southern Miss
Well, well, well. If it isn't the team I kept mistaking Houston for. You know, for that brief moment when we all pretended to care about C-USA football. I treat C-USA the same way I treat the homeless and smelly fat people who reek like a burrito is rotting away in one of their fatty skin flaps. Blatant ignoring while going out of my way to keep as far away from them as possible. And what do you know? This is the WAC vs. C-USA. I literally care zero about this match up soooooooooooo...........Southern Miss (-6)
Missouri (-5) vs. North Carolina
This one's pretty easy for me. Big 12 > than ACC. Missouri > North Carolina in conference record. North Carolina > Central Prison in criminal activity. The only question I had was how in the fuck was Blaine Gabbert able to trick everyone into thinking he was an NFL quarterback. Good thing people in Jacksonville don't even realize an NFL team still lives there. I would say the Jags are even worse than the Browns, but I don't want to lie to you good people. I'm getting off track here. Missouri (-5)
There you go, snatch napkins. Put your picks in the comment section and as always...obey the spread. Here are the current standings after week 1.
Lil Strut 2-1
Next Tuesday we'll be previewing games from December 27th through January 2nd. And holy finger blasting fat chicks on the dance floor is there a lot of em. I'll be keeping my brilliant break downs to a minimum so this column doesn't get longer than John Madden's nose hair. Oh...and Merry Christmas, toilet whores.