Tuesday, December 20, 2011

One Week Closer to Bowl Games We Care About

This chick is about to get murdered.  Or fucked.  Or murdered then fucked.




Casey Pachall fucking rules.  A quick, completely unrelated story about my weekend before we get into things here.  Never, I repeat, NEVER go to a bar called YeeHas on the east side of Toledo...unless you're complete white trash and brush your teeth with meth every day.  Do you know what's hilarious about white trash bars?  Anything goes.  The limitations on the fucked up shit you see are literally endless.  When I was closing my tab, a Mexican guy was trying to eat his girlfriends face as if she were a hot dog.  He smelled like fish.  Even the bartender was disgusted which was impressive since she was clearly top of the line gutter trash.  But nothing in all my life travels could have prepared my eyeballs for what happened next.

Oh.  Did I mention there was a Creed/Nickleback cover band playing with no member younger than 40?  Yeah...absorb that real quick.  So we're getting ready to leave and I happen to glance over just in time to witness a grown man sticking his entire arm down this incredibly fat lady's trousers.  We're talking like...to the fuckin elbow.  At first I thought it was Damman but then remembered that chicks under 250 really aren't his brand.  I was half tempted to say something but since it was the east side I'm sure at least half of the people there had a weapon on them.  Getting shanked in a white trash bar hasn't cracked the bucket list yet.  So I just turned around and left.  While walking out, I contemplated cramming two fingers down my throat to discharge everything in my system.  I'm not sure how that would have solved anything but after witnessing a shit show like that, rationality about ANYTHING gets tossed.  While I go dig my eyeballs out of my skull with a melon baller, enjoy these bowl predictions.

Beef 'O Brady's Bowl
Florida Int. (-4) vs. Marshall

This game looks to be about as exciting as someone wiping their butthole on your bare skin.  Is there anything more soul crushing than a fierce showdown between the Sun Belt and C-USA?  Grumpy naked.  That is more soul crushing, hands down.  Here it is.  Marshall is terrible on defense and Matthew McConaughey is not showing up as a fake coach and inspiring this team to a heart felt win.  My guess is afterwards Marshall is going to wish they all died in a plane wreck.  Florida Int. (-4)

Poinsettia Bowl
TCU (-10) vs. Louisiana Tech

Is there another bowl out there more homosexual sounding than the Poinsettia Bowl?  What are the qualifications to play in it?  Is there a one cock suck minimum to gain an invite?  I can't believe a ranked team is playing in such a shitty bowl BEFORE Christmas.  That's as cool as my girlfriend's tardbox cat eating garbage then promptly puking at the foot of the bed.  Short breakdown.  Both teams can score it and both teams have average defenses but TCU has Pachall...and Pachall fucked your sister last night with relative ease.  Not that those two things are related in any way.  TCU (-10)
MAACO Bowl
Boise St. (-14.5) vs. Arizona St.

Once again, the lesson to be learned here is if you are a mid-major...don't fucking lose a game unless you want to play in terrible bowl games no one cares about.  Jesus Herbert Christ, another ranked team playing before Christmas.  The horror.  This has Boise "Uppercutting ASU's poop hole" written all over it but I actually like ASU to keep it relatively close.  Osweiler isn't nearly as bad as most of the QB's Boise has faced all year and 14.5 is a ton to cover considering how high octane ASU's offense can be.  ASU (+14.5)

Hawaii Bowl
Nevada (+6) vs. Southern Miss

Well, well, well.  If it isn't the team I kept mistaking Houston for.  You know, for that brief moment when we all pretended to care about C-USA football.  I treat C-USA the same way I treat the homeless and smelly fat people who reek like a burrito is rotting away in one of their fatty skin flaps.  Blatant ignoring while going out of my way to keep as far away from them as possible.  And what do you know?  This is the WAC vs. C-USA.  I literally care zero about this match up soooooooooooo...........Southern Miss (-6)

Independence Bowl
Missouri (-5) vs. North Carolina

This one's pretty easy for me.  Big 12 > than ACC.  Missouri > North Carolina in conference record.  North Carolina > Central Prison in criminal activity.  The only question I had was how in the fuck was Blaine Gabbert able to trick everyone into thinking he was an NFL quarterback.  Good thing people in Jacksonville don't even realize an NFL team still lives there.  I would say the Jags are even worse than the Browns, but I don't want to lie to you good people.  I'm getting off track here.  Missouri (-5)

There you go, snatch napkins.  Put your picks in the comment section and as always...obey the spread.  Here are the current standings after week 1.

Iceman 2-1
Gmoney 2-1
Drew 2-1
Lil Strut 2-1
Dut 2-1
Prime 2-1
Lange 1-2
Andrew 1-2

Ace 0-3
Damman 0-3

Next Tuesday we'll be previewing games from December 27th through January 2nd.  And holy finger blasting fat chicks on the dance floor is there a lot of em.  I'll be keeping my brilliant break downs to a minimum so this column doesn't get longer than John Madden's nose hair.  Oh...and Merry Christmas, toilet whores.

40 comments:

Grumpy said...

Tuesdays are now my favorite day. You would kill for my six pack. G$ like it.

GMoney said...

G$ like it? Put down the iPad, Wilford Brimley, and start making sense.

Nice Steelers effort last night. Enjoy getting Tebow'd.

OK, before I read the post, I need to apologize. Daniel, I am sorry. I did it to you again. It doesn't feel right either. While I am more than happy to be in the DFL Super Bowl, beating you by .5 points (5 yards) is weak. The fact that this is the second time that I've beaten you this season by LESS THAN ONE POINT is a shame.

But then again, you would not respect the flesh light as much as I.

Guess I should go back and read the post which begins with two people looking like Rey Mysterio. This ought to be good.

Daniel said...

I officially protest our fantasy game. My Lions D was penalized 2/3 points for a RAIDERS DEFENSIVE SCORE! The Lions D was not even on the field for the TD yet, I am penalized. I realize this situation happened all year, but I guarantee in no previous circumstance would it have materially affected the game. RULES COMMITTEE - DO THE RIGHT THING!

Two things about the loss really leave a bad taste in my mouth:

1. My decision to start Grossman over Fitzpatrick.

2. Chargers have the ball, fourth quarter, up big, with a minute left, 4th and 2. Matthews gets the carry gets one yard, turnover on downs. The Ravens run their offense with 40 seconds left, and Boldin gets a complete garbage 18 yard catch to end the game.

You better treat my wife to a number of nice taco bell lunches with my money you thief. I hope Brees gets hit by a Hurricane this week.

Grumpy said...

Money Shot road trip to YeeHas. Who's in?

That little keyboard really fucks me up.

GMoney said...

Oh don't worry, only the finest cheesy gordita crunches for her to make up for that highway robbery.

Picks:
FIU
LaTech (I feel like they'll be more pumped to be in a bowl game)
Boise State
Southern Miss
UNC (because Ide went there and he is in the DFL Super Bowl)

How big of a scumbag is Todd Graham? Leaving Pitt via text message to his players and calling Arizona State his dream job? That's lame as shit. I hope he loses every game at Future Porno University. I can't wait for Kellen Moore to drop 50 on them.

Anonymous said...

Iceman....you need to move.

FIU
TCU
BOISE
SOUTHERN MISS
UNC

That Todd Graham guy is a huge piece of shit. I'll be rooting for Rich Rod to clean his clock at Zona.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Marshall
TCU
Boise
Nevada
UNC

G$, no mention of you choking in the G$FL?

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Question. Who would have won between Daniel and G$ under the old tiebreaker rules last year in the DFL? I can't remember what was used last year. If I remember right, Daniel was one of the ring leaders to getting rid of ties.

-Damman

GMoney said...

That Steelers offense really fucked me. Just get in the end zone once and I win. I said all year that that team was horrible so I am not surprised that I was one and done. Reba conceded our matchup on Saturday night though so maybe I will protest that I should advance anyway.

The G$FL might be the only league in the world where two of the Final Four teams are commandeered by Rivers and Vick.

I've got a league and a flesh light to win though. Time to focus on that.

By the way, once they hire a coach, Pitt will be on their 4th head football coach in about 13 months. ROCK SOLID PROGRAM!

Mr. Ace said...

Marshall
TCU
Boise
Southern Miss
Missouri

Mr. Ace said...

Anybody in an NBA fantasy league? I haven't done one before, but for some reason I am interested this year.

Anonymous said...

Ape...I'm in one every year, but we already had our draft on Sunday.

OSU to find out NCAA sanctions this afternoon at 3. G$ has his topic for tomorrow covered.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Ooooooh, thanks for the update! I was a little nervous on content filler for the rest of the year but this will do just fine.

Ace, I am admittedly not very good at fantasy hoops, but I heard someone say that you should focus on point guards and power forwards.

My advice: Don't draft anyone over 30 this year. Don't draft any rookies. Don't draft anyone that switched teams (Chris Paul included). For this season, you want your guys to be familiar with their systems and are youthful.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy, get fucked. Tomlin is a fucking idiot for starting Ben. Lets hear your terrible excuse this morning behind last nights shitty performance?

Seal

The Iceman said...

Ace, I started doing fantasy basketball last year. It's actually pretty fun and serves as a nice buffer leading up to the next fantasy football season. It really depends on how your league is set up Roto vs. Head to Head as different players have different value.

But G$ is actually right for once, PGs are sorta considered the QBs of fantasy football. Getting a PG like Derrick Rose or Deron Williams is pretty important. You want to focus on guys who contribute in every scoring category. PGs who can rebound are huge.

Focus on big men who shoot a high FG% and who aren't terrible from the FT line. This is a personal preference, but I like to grab players who can be plugged into multiple positions so you can tinker with your lineup better.

One more thing, when you do waiver transactions, make sure you pay attention to how many games that player has during the current week. The more the better obviously. It makes more of a difference than you know.

The Iceman said...

What's your squad look like, Drew?

Anonymous said...

I Lol'd on the shitter while reading a few of these breakdowns. I almost didn't read it cuz I thought it would be fact based, but I was pleasantly surprised. Nicely done.

I can't wait to see the whiney post for tomorrow. Haters gon' be out in full force! Maybe osu should be penalized harder for upgrading their coach? Seriously though.. How frustrating for the haters? Everyone thought a dark era was beginning for osu... Now they look to be better off than they were before. Hahahahhahahaha.


Marshall
TCU
Boise
Southern Miss
Missouri

Dut

Anonymous said...

Iceman...I play in a head to head league. We have had the same league for 8 years now. I went UNDEFEATED last year....yes...did not lose a single week in the regular season or in the playoffs. I like to believe it is a feat that has never been done before, especially in a league where everyone takes it very seriously.

We keep one player. I kept LeBron this year. I had the last pick in the draft.

I don't love my team, but I like it and I think this year there are going to be a lot of very weird things going on. Drafted Al Jefferson and Eric Gordon with my first two picks. Jefferson is very underrated. I got a lot of great fours, but wish I had another good scoring Center. Tyson Chandler was on my team last year and I grabbed him again, but I wish he was a bit more ELITE. Gerald Wallace actually fell to me in the 4/5 round which was a pleasant surprise as well.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Seal, no excuses. SF defense was awesome and Smith led two nice scoring drives and didn't make any mistakes. Everyone gets healthy I'll take my chances in the playoffs. Going to Texas or Denver doesn't really scare me.

GMoney said...

Seal, he sort of had to start Ben with Baltimore shitting all over themselves. Charlie Batch gives you a zero percent chance to win. Dennis Dixon maybe 3%. Gimy Ben is probably 10-20%. But I agreed with Jaws for once, why the fuck was he still in there in the 4th quarter when the game was over???

I had the 6th pick out of 10:
1. Daaaaa-whight Howard
2. Blake Griffin
3. Rondo
4. Wall

I got my two rebounding, shot-blocking, good FG%, and terrible FT% guys out of the way early and focused on the backcourt the rest of the way. I hate Dwight Howard though.

Anonymous said...

FIU
TCU
Nevada
ASU
Mizzou

Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

FIU
TCU
Nevada
Boise St
Mizzou

The Niners looked damn good last night. I get that Big Ben was hurt, but I was surprised that the Niners were able to get a red zone TD against the Steelers D.

My other fantasy team tied in the semis- luckily I won this tie breaker. Otherwise, I'd be going Michael Douglas from "Falling Down" on some motherfuckers.

The Iceman said...

Yeah, we do head to head also but we only have 10 owners where I'm sure you guys have 12. We're still pretty new at everything so maybe in the future it could morph into a keeper league. Wallace that late is a steal. I don't think your team is terrible...and I do like Jefferson as well.

I had the 6th pick out of 10 and went with Kevin Love. I vividly remember him caving my asshole in multiple times last year. The best way to prevent that from happening again is to draft him.

The rest of my team is pretty solid. I went with Wall in the 2nd and actually got Bogut in the 5th round which shocked me. I'll take my chances with an injury prone guy in a short season who is capable of putting up huge numbers when healthy.

The rest:
Rudy Gay, Paul Milsap, Devin Harris, David West, DeAndre Jordan, Channing Frye, Wesley Matthews, Toney Douglas, Jared Dudley, Amir Johnson.

Brady said...

Damn, how did I miss out on last weeks picks? My random blog college football pick em' game needs to step the fuck up.

Marshall
TCU
Boise St.
Southern Miss.
North Carloina

It was so much fun watching the Steelers shit themselves on national television last night. Rapelisberger is good for 1 or 2 back-breaking picks per important game and boy did he deliver!

Final sanctions come out at 3pm today for the Buckeyes. The NCAA did say we would find out at the end of October so apparently Christmas is the new Halloween. That should make for some awesome theme parties.

What are the chances OSU gets off with self-imposed punishments? Not good in my opinion because there weren't any rapes, robberies or drugs involved. The NCAA is a fucking joke.

The Iceman said...

Don't worry Brady. You didn't pick any games and still did just as good as Damman and Ace. But I don't see you climbing back into the race since you'll most likely pick the Buckeyes to win every bowl game.

GMoney said...

Whatever happens at 3 today, please try to hold off on your glee/scorn until tomorrow.

How about Byron James Mullens getting traded to Charlotte! Bacon-necks want to WIN NOW!

Anonymous said...

My insiders say a 1 year bowl ban and 4 additional schollys over 3 years. A bit more severe than expected... But not the end of the world.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Now that I think of it.. Gene smith fucked this up. He could have self imposed a bowl ban for this year and we would have been in the clear for next year.

Dut

GMoney said...

Call me crazy, but I'm going to wait for Gene Smiff to break out the ebonics and tell us what the penalties are beforing trusting your insiders. Your sources probably believed my post about Josh Hamilton from 4 years ago was 100% true. Idiot.

GMoney said...

Dut, just stop. I asked you nicely to wait on this shit (and what you "know" is probably not right anyway). Don't make me go all Comment Delete McGee.

Someone can post what the punishment is when it comes down but after that, we will disperse and re-convene tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

It's posted on the Columbus dispatch already, douche. I was a gene smith defender before this. Now he needs to be hung.

Dut

The Iceman said...

Does anyone else miss The Walking Dead and farm sluts mom ass jeans yet? Now that Dexter has wrapped season 6 I have nothing to watch.

GMoney said...

Iceman, I don't know what the fuck to think about Dexter.

*They can't actually be going through with this incest shit, right?
*Colin Hanks was the worst casting decision ever.
*WHY THE FUCK WAS DEB EVEN AT THE KILL SITE (which looked like the abandoned church)? I'm supposed to believe that she just decided to go to a crime scene for no reason at all?
*Can we bring back a Zombie Trinity???
*The show should have ended after the Lithgow season.

Dut, as Drew has furiously pointed out numerous times, THE DISPATCH SPREADS NOTHING BUT LIES DAMN LIES!

Stop. It.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...we only have 10 teams.

Also, I had Kevin Love last year and we are only allowed to keep one player so I threw him back (it hurt) to the masses this year. He was the # 1 overall pick.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Better question- why did Dexter wear his kill gear to Harrison's Noah's Ark play?

The incest thing was an awful writing decision the likes of which have not been seen since Ace's "May The Forcier Be With You" post.

Deb is a wreck. Can Dexter put rule #1 (don't get caught) into effect and kill her?

Anonymous said...

FIU
TCU
BSU
USM
UNC

Anyone think the Reds gave up to mucch for Latos? I can only hope this means they are looking to resign Votto long term.

----Lange

Brady said...

Out of respect to G$'s blog, I will wait until tomorrow to unleash my rant.

GMoney said...

Lange, I think they may have, too but Latos is a stud and studs don't come cheap.

Tomorrow's post is written. I think it's pretty fair and not filled with haterade.

The Iceman said...

Drew...you made the right choice. Lebron is a flat out stud no matter if you're doing Roto or head to head. I can see why your team went undefeated last year. Jesus.

Answering the Dexter questions:

I don't see them going through with the bro/sis love affair. Too risky of a topic and they may lose viewers if they actually pull the trigger.

C-Hanks actually didn't bother me too much.

Deb was at the kill site because she knew Dexter would be there. He was supposed to be doing a final forensics sweep of the church per Deb's instructions as his boss. She was going there to confess her disgusting brother/sister love to him because she knew he would be alone doing the sweep.

I'm with you on Lithgow. He was the shit. I've heard rumors season 8 is the series finale. It makes me sad but I really don't know how much longer you can strech out this series. I would hate for it to get watered down.

Prime...you have the only question I don't know the answer to. What was he doing wearing his kill clothes to Harrison's play??

Anonymous said...

Fla Int -4
TCU -10
Boise -14.5
Southern Miss -6
Mizzou -5

Andrew