Santa Blogs". The last two years though, he couldn't make it so he sent his evil twin, St. Prick, instead. He was not as gracious. One of the best things that St. Prick ever gave away was the time machine to Dut last year:
"you use that time machine to go back to when you were a baby and then give yourself SIDS"
And since you are all terrible still, St. Prick is back with more "gifts". Although, I have to say, things have changed this holiday season. Prick Diggity was out too late watching crappy college basketball at a hockey arena last night so instead of getting separate presents, you are all getting the same thing. Consider it St. Prick's version of the Derek Jeter Gift Basket. What does each and every one of your gift baskets have in them anyway?
*An envelope filled with diarrhea addressed to Chelsea Handler!
*Matt Barkley's severed head! What the fuck, asshole? Way to be selfish boner lover, you boner lover. I hope you die. Apparently, RG3 is leaning toward another year at Baylor now, too. Great, more Sex Cannon interceptions for me!!!
*Terry Bowden (coming to Ohio as the new hilarious coach at Akron for some reason)!
*A DVD of my DFL Champion corronation ceremony featuring a director's commentary where I analyze every point that my player's scored this season! Go fuck yourself, Anquan Boldin, we don't need you anyway!
*Mental images of Bill Conlin molesting his nieces! Remember this guy from the Dick Schapp era of The Sports Reporters? He used to love to fingerbang the shit out of his ten year old nieces!
*A lifetime subscription to The WWE Network! A reality show called "Legends House"? FUCK YES!
*$50 Gift Card to Mr. Ace's 80% vegan restaurant "Soy Un Pindajo"!
*A one year supply of G$ telling you about the time he shook Ted DiBiase's million dollar hand!
*And, of course, a FLESH LIGHT!
Ummm, yeah, that's going to do it. That will do it for this week. In all seriousness though, to quote Jack Donaghy, "Happy Holidays...is what terrorists say. MERRY CHRISTMAS!" And if you're still looking for something to get G$, well, I still haven't banged Anne Hathaway yet. Just sayin'.