Thursday, December 08, 2011

I Don't Care, I'm Pumped For The NBA

2 favorite teams are Syracuse basketball and Penn State football.
As I mentioned last week, it’s a goddamn shame that our NBA Lockout Fantasy Arrest Draft has to end so abruptly. That had some serious (tremendous upside) potential. But the owners and stupid players had to go all BFF’s on us and decide to play a season. Gay. As I suffer through loss after loss for the Blue Jackets this winter, I’m beginning to miss my Cavaliers more and more. And then it hit me yesterday: I am actually looking forward to the NBA tipping off again! In fact, I was able to come up with a list of 12 things that I’m pumped for this season just off the top of my head (and after reading Simmons’ excellent NBA columns this week). Here is what gets the blood flowing in my man region:

12. Nothing has really changed – You don’t need to read about the agreement that ended the Lockout at all, just know that it’s pretty much the exact same thing as before. That means that crappy players are still going to make a ton of money and owners are still going to dish out said stupid money to bad players. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I look forward to Joe Dumars resigning Rodney Stuckey for 35 million dollars.

11. 66 games in 120ish days – I can’t believe that they are going to be doing this. You will see back-to-back-backers occasionally. I don’t see how this benefits anybody except for teams that don’t have anyone over the age of 30 on the roster. In other words, expect the Celtics, Spurs, Lakers, and every other veteran-laden team to lose 5 or more games than they normally would. The Thunder, Kings, Wizards, Pacers, and Bulls should benefit from this though. Good God, the on-court product this year is going to be as bad as the 2010 Cavs.

10. Chris Paul and Dwight Howard – Where do they end up? New York? New Jersey? LA? I loved the ESPN headline the other day of “Lakers working on acquiring both Paul and Howard”. If you clicked on the link it just led you to the phrase: You are retarded for thinking that this could happen.

9. The 2012 Draft – Oh man is this going to be sick. The Cavs would have gotten fucked had there been no season this year (they likely would have not been eligible for the lottery). But they are now and it is totes loaded. It would be nice if the team finally addressed their lack of wing players for once. Although Omri Casspi is nicknamed “Jewish Jordan” for a reason (he is not but he might still be plowing Bar Rafaeli and that is a very Jordan thing to plow).

8. NBA on TNT – Say what you want about the game but you cannot argue that this is the best sports show on TV. There is no debate about this. And they added Shaq to the mix now. Barkley AND Shaq? Yes please.

7. Your move, Comrade – I can’t wait for Mikhail Prokhorov to start throwing his money around like Pacman Jones at Scores. He’s going to give Nene 100 million dollars and it’s going to be hilarious.

6. Haters hatin’ – I like the NBA. Some people don’t. What I never have understood is why people like to slam it every chance that they can. No one cares. Really, NO ONE CARES. Is someone forcing you to watch games or read box scores? Just ignore it then. I have no problem doing this with soccer and I guarantee that I hate soccer way more than you hate basketball.  If you can't enjoy the best athletes on the planet (excluding the Gasol Brothers), that's your fault, not mine.

5. Blake Griffin – I just want to watch him continue to do Blake Griffin-type things like embarrassing big smelly foreigners.

4. Mike Brown vs. Kobe – This is going to be very amusing. There will be blood.

3. Humble LeBron? – I was pleased to see that he came out this week and admitted that he made a mistake with how he handled his Decision. It took him long enough to quasi-apologize but it was nice to finally hear. Like I’ve said, I’m about as over that whole fiasco that I can be BUT…

2. I still want the Heat to lose every game – Enough said.

AC goin' DEEP...in your vaginas, ladies.
1.AUSTIN MOTHERFUCKIN’ CARR IS COMING BACK AGAIN!!! The greatest man on Earth will be throwing hammers down in 19 short days. I can’t wait. He should do games with Gus Johnson.
For those of you that need alternative topics today, here are two more:
--The Miami Marlins are ruining baseball with their free-wheeling ways! Why don’t they give the other teams a chance! Baseball is so unfair!
--Recently, I have been catching guys from different floors of my office building coming down to my floor to take shits. The fuck? Are they still in middle school and don’t want people to know that they make smelly doo-doos? What is this madness all about? These guys are not man enough to drink Miller Lite (the manliest beer ever according to them and nobody else).

Alright, that’s it. I look forward to all the “NBGay” comments today. Before typing that, scroll back up and see #6. Remember, The Weisman Award ceremony is tomorrow. Luck, Richardson, and The Blonde Black Guy weren’t even invited. This award is ELITE.

33 comments:

Grumpy said...

I like the NBA, but won't go out of my way to watch, if that makes any sense.

I hate Austin Carr because they retired his jersey and Harp couldn't get #34 when he was drafted.

Fact: Your Miami RedHawks beat Austin Carr in the NCAA Tournament.

GMoney said...

Also fact: you turned 85 the day that Miami beat AC.

I believe that AC still holds the record for points in an NCAA Tourney game with 61 against those bastards from Athens.

I find the Chris Paul rumors very interesting.

Anonymous said...

I think I agree with pretty much everything other than Austin Carr being the greatest man on earth.

I strongly agree with you on hating how all of the NBA haters went out of their way to talk about how they weren't even missing the NBA. I pass a personal storage facility every day and they put up different comments on their sign a couple times a week. The other day it said, "NBA LOCKOUT IS OVER. DIDN'T NOTICE IT WAS GONE." Really? You care that much to put that on your fucking sign?

It is gonna be funny to watch them play all these games. Every team has a period where they play on three straight nights. The Lakers play the first three days of the year. Those third games are just going to be terrible.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

It doesn't make any sense if Paul won't sign an extension.

Anonymous said...

It appears this site is actually phone friendly now. Score!

LeBron has admitted the decision. was a bad idea several times. Now he has a boo boo ego because he's the bad guy. I can't wait for the camera work on their first game. Im putting the over under on his face during the banner raising at 50%.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Ide...I noticed how this site is phone friendly on my drive into work this morning. Yes....I read this site while I'm driving...almost drove into a barrier Tuesday morning.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I am saddened that the Heat only come to Believeland once this year. I still get giddy thinking about Baron and Ryan Hollins go all LOB CITY on those fools last year.

Most of the people who talk about how much they hate the NBA are the same people that were loving the Mavs Finals win last June. They make no sense.

Grump, it's the risk that teams are going to have to take. Can you imagine if racist Donald Sterling pulls that off though and can put Ide's bitch and Blake on the floor together? I just got hard.

Luke Harangody has already reported to Cavs facilities. CHAMPIONSHIP!

GMoney said...

If this site causes any deaths then I've done my job.

Anonymous said...

This new layout is totes awesome.. Especially if it almost killed someone.

I love that the nba is starting on Christmas day (an nfl Sunday).. Do those retards think they can compete with the nfl!? Their rating will be shit.

I was hoping the nba would be locked out 4-life. I guess 3 months wasn't a bad constellation prize.


Dut

GMoney said...

Hey dumbass, you know nothing about everything. The NFL is playing all of their games on Christmas Eve (Saturday) except for Bears/Packers which is Christmas night. Try again.

I have never had any issues accessing this glorious corner of the internet with my Blizzitybizzity. Was it not iPhone friendly or some shit? Can Zack Morris not access it from his cinder block phone?

MUDawgfan said...

Tryann Mathieu will either be in jail or working at Popeye's in 3 years. Book it.

Motherfucker looks like the type of guy who is waiting to rob you the moment you step off your all inclusive resort in the Carribbean.

Miami Hockey is going to rape Ohio State at gunpoint this weekend.

Home Leg: 4-1
Road Leg: 4-2

Anonymous said...

Dut...figure out your days.

I LOVE the NBA on Christmas I will watch every game until I pass out...so hopefully I make it til' 10:30.

PUJOLS TO LAA FOR 10 YRS, $ 260M. That is ridiculous.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The Angels are so dumb. Mark Trumbo gave them 75% of Pujols numbers last year for less than a million dollars. And what do they do with Kendry Morales now? Way to plan ahead, guys!

Anonymous said...

Mark Trumbo sucks.

Morales has one leg.

That being said, that contract is way too much and it's gonna fuck them just like A-Rod's contract has begun to fuck the Yankees.

--Drew

GMoney said...

And they signed CJ Wilson, too? The Angels are awful.

Why would you give Pujols 10 years when he has been declining for the past few years? Whatever, it's not my team. I give no shits.

By the way, I saw that Buehrle was just getting 3 years/30-35 mill offers yet here come the Marlins with 58 million. Who were they bidding against?

Baseball teams are fucking stupid.

The Iceman said...

"I LOVE the NBA on Christmas I will watch every game until I pass out...so hopefully I make it til' 10:30."

Agreeeeeeeeeeee.

Stuckey's only gonna get 25 million. Get it right. And never forget that Stuckey will ALWAYS be better than Mo Williams...no matter how hard you guys tried convincing yourselves he was an ELITE point guard.

Battier's gonna sign with the Heat. They're already starting to build that championship roster. Can't wait for all the tears to flood the streets of Cleveland when Lebron wins a title in year 2.

"Retiring Orlando Magic chairman and chief executive officer Bob Vander Weide says he wasn't intoxicated when he spoke to Orlando's Dwight Howard during a late-night phone call earlier this week and that it hasn't affected their professional relationship in any way."

Hahaha. Yeah. I'm never hammered either when I call people at 3AM.

Anonymous said...

Pujols has not really been declining the past few years.

He won MVP in 2009.

He was second in MVP voting in 2010.

He played through a broken bone last year and still hit 37 homers with a .300 BA. He also had 3 homers in the WS.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Ape is close to losing Tim Beckman to Illinois.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The sabre-nerds would agree with my view, Drew.

Iceman, while I don't really care about Mo Williams anymore, you're kidding yourself if you think that Stuckey was anything better than equal to him.

Battier to the Heat makes me a sad panda. That's a really saavy move for the most loathesome franchise in sports. Goddamn Riley and goddamn Dukies.

GMoney said...

Ask Urban Meyer how awesome it is to follow in Ron Zook's footsteps.

The Iceman said...

Stuckey 15.5 5.2 1.1

Williams 14.0 6.6 .9

And those stats for Mo include the 3 inflated years of playing with arguably the best basketball player in the world.

Stuckey has always been the superior PG...including the year that like 4 people had to die in order for Williams to slime his way into an all-star game he had no business being in.

Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady said...

I am happy for the season to start if for no other reason than to piss Iceman off. NBA sucks but Sportscenter has to fill up their show with something over the winter. Might as well be a bunch of overpriced thugs that would be hard pressed to spell their own names. It's not that I hate Basketball but unless I am watching live there is no way I make it through a whole half of an NBA game.

When do pitchers and catchers report?

Side note: Holy shit! While I am typing this, Schefter just threw out the possibility of the Browns trading for Peyton Manning. My dick just tingled a little bit with that thought.

The Iceman said...

Might as well be a bunch of overpriced thugs that would be hard pressed to spell their own names.

Better than watching grown men grab their dicks 40 times in between pitches. You like dicks. Fag.

GMoney said...

The team that trades for Peyton Manning is an awful organization. I am scared shitless that my awful organization will trade at least 2 first round picks to do this. His entire contract is guaranteed for the next 4 years and his neck is made out of old toilet paper rolls...why would you want him?

Who would you rather have as your starting PG: Mo or The World Leader in Illiteracy? If you answered anything other than "Neither", you are an idiot. Mo may not be anything special, but Stuckey is nothing more than a guy that accrues garbage time stats on shitty teams. Can we at least agree on that?

Prime99 said...

Having PooHoles out of the NL Central is fan-fucking-tastic.

I wanted to not like the NBA anymore, but I know I'll care because the Bulls will be excellent. The public will care because they can cheer against the Heat again. Win fucking win.

Going Reno tomorrow... If my liver fails, it's been nice knowing you guys.

GMoney said...

Prime, bet against your Bears, my Redskins, and take Navy without worrying about the points.

Anyone else find it humorous that a Cubs fan is relieved that Pujols is gone like it will actually matter for them???

Anonymous said...

Reno? Is there a bingo or bowling tournament in town? Say hi to Earl McCracken for me.

Ide

The Iceman said...

What I'll give you is that PG is not Stuckey's natural position. He wants to score first. Hopefully with Brandon Knight on the team Detroit can move Stuckey to SG then kill Ben Gordon and Rip Hamilton.

But since Dumars has a dog poop collection, he'll probably keep and start all 4.

Prime99 said...

G$- I can't bet against the Bears. I won't bet on them either though.

IDE- Reno is awesome if you know where to go. Because of the town's bad rep, it's easy to get free rooms at 4 star casino resort The Peppermill. People can keep hating on the city and I'll keep driving up (2 hours) for basically free trips.

Anonymous said...

I see UM fans are already trying to intimidate the VT student body (and security guards). Bold moves.

Ide

GMoney said...

That's Ernie McCracken, you dolt.

Michigan fans better watch out. There are a lot of Asians in Ann Arbor that could go all VaTech on them, too.

Anonymous said...

Oh shit. Autocorrect on my phone fucked me on that one!