Friday, December 02, 2011

Cookies: An Open Forum

In case you hadn’t noticed, we are now in December. I know, I just blew your mind. Everyone is in full holiday mode now which means that there are baked goods everywhere. You can’t escape them. People bring trays of homemade shit to the office. The missus is whisking her ass off. And you have to eat it. You would be an asshole if you didn’t. So needless to say, we are all going to put on a little weight this month whether it is due to chocolate, cake, pie, YULE LOGS, Christmas cookies—it doesn’t matter. It’s inevitable (unless you are 80% vegan, natch). December is the one month out of the year when we welcome onset diabetes.

Now I should say that I don’t care much for desserts. I’m pretty sure that I have never ordered a dessert at a restaurant. I don’t possess a sweet tooth. But that doesn’t mean that I hate desserts. In fact, I’m a huge fan of cookies. And now we have reached today’s open forum topic…COOKIES. It should help you get into the holiday eating spirit.

First things first, I won’t touch a crunchy cookie. Them shits are terrible. My sister always cuts her baking times in half so that that is never a problem. Soft cookies are the truth. She$ makes cookies a couple times per year and they are always overcooked. I die a little on the inside when I see them. Then I wonder how I could have married such a monster. DON’T BURN YOUR COOKIES, GOD DAMMIT.

Chocolate Chip – The king of cookies. Have you ever met anyone that doesn’t like these? I wonder if they exist. If they do, those people should be eaten by bears.
Oatmeal – This is a style that I didn’t appreciate until I got older. I also believe that the Oatmeal Cream Pie should be on the American Flag.
Snickerdoodles – Homo name, solid eat.
Macadamia Nut – Most underrated cookie out there.
My mom’s Christmas press cookies – I can’t describe them at all just know that they were my inspiration for this post and that they rule. I would literally be half the man I am today had I never been introduced to them.
Chipwich – 2 cookies with ice cream in the middle? Can I have sex with this?

Spice – This goes for spiced cake, too…WHO LIKES THIS SHIT?
Sugar – Even with frosting, these assbags have no flavor.
Oatmeal Raisin – To steal a line from Stewie Griffin, “Yeah, that’s what kids want in their cookies…fruit”. Is the raisin the most disgusting food ever? Does anyone older than 8 and younger than 80 like raisins? What did oatmeal do to get paired up with raisins?
Chocolate – I don’t like brownies since 95% of them are dryer than Steven Wright’s comedy act. I feel like chocolate-based cookies are just brownie rip-offs.
Peanut Butter – Eh, these do nothing for me.
Black and White – I’ve never seen these sold in Ohio because we are simple folk. I had one the last time I was in New York since it was all the rage in that one Seinfeld episode. It was very disappointing. The black and white frosting tasted exactly the same and the cookie part was so cakey that I had to chug a bottle of water just to swallow it. And I’m usually awesome at swallowing…HEY-OHHHHHHH!!!
“Ookie Cookie” – Yeah…just no.

Now that we’ve got the different types of cookies out of the way, let’s get into brands…
Oreo – On the surface, these things are pretty shitty (sorry, Teddy KGB). But about once a year, the wife will buy Double Stuff which means that I get to become a mad scientist by taking two of them, ripping off one of the awful chocolate sides, combine the two remainders, and creating the ELITE QUAD STUFF OREO. A culinary delight.
Soft Batch – By far my favorite cookie and nothing comes close. They are prepared perfectly as I’m pretty sure they aren’t even cooked. Delicious. While I was on vacation last week, I remembered that we had a bag in the pantry. There were about 5 left. I wanted two and instead ate all five. Why? Because I would have forgotten about the remaining three and I’ll be damned if I let the wife finish the bag. I didn’t need five but I took them down anyway because I’m good at sharing. I am a wonderful husband.
Pepperidge Farm – They look so goddamn fancy but every type they make features a heavy dose of concrete in the batter. What the hell? These things are shit.
Mrs. Fields/Cheryl & Co. – I think I can speak for everyone here that Mrs. Fields and Cheryl can ram me with a strap-on whenever they want. When you make a cookie that good, do with me as you please.
Individually wrapped big gas station cookies – HIGHLY underrated. They’re always sitting there, all huge and whatnot, just staring me down. Taunting me with their 2 minutes of oven-time and heavy butter quotient. You are delicious, random gas station giant cookie. Don’t ever change. And keep being 2 for $2, please.

Girl Scout:
I wanted to conclude today’s sermon with these. Girl Scout Cookies are strange. They are OK I guess, but pricey. They only come around once a year and then they’re gone like a fart in the wind. Everyone gets so damn excited about these. But I have a problem. First of all, parents need to stop selling them for their little shit daughters. My last name is not Sandusky and thus little girls should be allowed to ask me if I want a bite of their sweet, sweet cookie (ewww). Second, how about a little fucking effort? Third, I assume that the Girl Scouts preach honesty and integrity so why do these girls get to claim their cookie sales even though they probably only sold ten boxes themselves. It’s madness.

But let’s get to the cookies themselves. I enjoy the Tagalongs and Samoas even though they are supposed to be called Peanut Butter Patties and Caramel Delights. For some reason, Thin Mints are popular. THIN MINTS ARE AWFUL. People that like Thin Mints rape the elderly. It’s like the Girl Scouts got together and asked, “How do we make the terrible part of Oreos even worse”? Then someone else presented an Andes mint that had been in their pocket for 6 weeks. And that’s how Thin Mints were born. Thin Mints blow.

Well, that was long and took up way too much of my time. Have at it. As fat Fred Durst would probably say, “I DID IT ALL FOR THE COOKIE”!


Grumpy said...

You are so fucking wrong about Pepperidge Farm. Mint Milano is the King of Cookies. Only homemade chocolate chip is better.

I hate raisins.

GMoney said...

Grumpy eats milanos...fag.

But I would think that an old-timer such as yourself would agree with my feeling that "today's girl scouts aren't even trying anymore".

Grumpy said...

I would agree. Now my wife's co-workers post on Facebook that their little rug rat is selling cookies. No sale unless a kid actually shows up at my door.

Anonymous said...

If you think raisins are disgusting, try them in warm Cream of Wheat. Nasty, nasty, nasty.

Anonymous said...

What about the parents who don't even put forth any effort either. I hate the people at work that just put out a sign-up sheet for their little darlings. I like to make up fake names and order lots of cookies for just such lazoids.

Anonymous said...

I like thin mints, but Samoas are indeed the GOAT Girl Scout cookie. It's amazing how many people don't like them. Some people view coconut like it's the fucking devil.

Agree with you that warm/soft chocolate cookies are the best. In high school I worked at a restaurant in Michigan called "The Moose Preserve". One of their dessert options is a plate of fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies...unreal dessert. I learned while working an internship with Max & Erma's (worst decision ever) that they actually stole their chocolate chip cookie dessert plate idea from The Moose Preserve....which was weird to find out.

Milanos actually seem like something an old man woud eat, so I support Grumpy eating them.

I like Oatmeal Raisin too.

Thoughts on chocolate chip cookie dough itself? I mean...that shit is tremendous.


GMoney said...

Dough is God's skeet. Fact. I'm not a big ice cream guy, but chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream is the tits.

Drew, now that I think of it, when we worked at the 2110 together and just ate food off the line all the time, I can't even remember eating dessert then. Why eat a piece of cake when there's a perfectly good steak or fish sitting there? Steak is the best dessert ever.

The missus was telling me that she's seen girl scouts camped out in front of Sam's. That's a great marketing strategy and at least they are doing it themselves.

GMoney said...

By the way, Mr. Ace adopted a german shepherd (I think) and is asking for name options. I think he's leaning toward Farooq which is the greatest name ever. If I had a dog named Farooq, I would give him the black panther fist on the reg. If you want to throw your names in the hopper, have at it.

Anonymous said...

I don't really eat cookies. I do enjoy snickerdoodles aside from the gay name. The best cookie ever made was only around for a year or two around 1995. They were called Bananaramas. Banana cookie with fudge on one side. If Im not mistaken, God himself passed down that recipe.


Anonymous said...

Oero cookies are vegan friendly!!!

My mom makes chocolate chip pumpkin cookies every year around xmas and they are ridiculous. I have never eaten less than 8 at a time.

And yes, I will be getting a German Shepard Sunday. Mrs. Ace likes Buster. I like Farooq. Farooq is far superior. I know we have discussed this before, but I am open to awesome dog names.


Anonymous said...

G$...I don't remember eating desserts too much off the 2110 buffet......EXCEPT.....I loved that apple pie that that old cunt used to make with the caramel fudge like stuff glazed on top. Hot damn that was delicious and I had completely forgotten about that. Between that free buffet and my alcoholism back then, I got very fat. I can't believe that I had an attractive girlfriend that woudl have sex with me during those years....what in the world was she thinking...can't blame her one bit for tossing me to the side finally.

I will say my favorite dessert these days is "Magic Bars". I don't even know how to describe them, but I could sit down and eat a whole fucking plate of them and still want more....and like I said...i'm not a dessert guy either.


MuDawgfan said...

I love Oatmeal Rasin and if you can ever get your hands on a good "Gingerbread Man" (soft, not crunchy) they are damn good too.

I challenge G$'s logic of including the Chipwich on this list. While delicious and always appreciated - the chipwich CLEARLY falls into the catagory of "Frozen Treat" not cookie.

If that's considered a cookie than the much beloved "Choco Taco" must also be considered a cookie and given equal billing.

Anonymous said...

Ape....may I suggest Urban?

Also, Farooq is definitely a better name than Buster. IF and I expect this to happen, you get owned by your wife and you settle on Buster....make sure you only call him Buster Douglas. Naming a dog Buster Douglas is kind of he's a Columbus guy.


The Iceman said...

You know who eats burnt cookies? The homeless. Because it's either burnt cookies at a shelter or a cracker they had to sweep cat shit off of in order to eat.

People who hate chocolate chip cookies are the same people who hate money. And fast food. And America. So we have hippies, Mr. (Gr)Ape Leaves and Rashard Mendenhall. Great company there.

You couldn't be more right about the gas station cookies. I think Jesus manifests those with his magical hands...I guess a Mexican guy named Jesus is more likely. Those cookies are the Hall of Fame guys drafted in the 6th round. The Tom Brady's if you will.

Nailed it again with Thin Mints. Awful. I fucking hate the people that freak out and buy like, fuckin 30 boxes of thin mints and freeze 29 of them. Have fun throwing away 29 boxes of cookies in 11 months when they start selling girl scout cookies again. When they do, try not to go berzerk like a girl ready to lose her virginity at a Beiber concert.

The one flaw you had on this list was peanut butter. Made from the right hands, they can liquify your dick.

GMoney said...

The chipwich is more of a cookie (because there are two...duh) than the Choco Taco! I included it because I don't know why. I just wanted to give the chipwich a shoutout for being delicious.

Drew, I feel your pain, the 2110 did a number on my clothes. Thank God I went back to school because I was a month away from having to buy Hawaiian shirts.

Also, if the wife doesn't like 90's WWF nostalgia (how could you marry a woman that didn't!), you could always compromise with Brady or something. I might swing for the fences with The Hokester though.

My wife makes this pan of stuff that is half brownie mix and half chocolate chip cookie. It is legendary. When she makes this, I actually compliment her.

The Iceman said...

You should name your dog Jerry Sandusky. That way when parents walk up to you while holding their child's hand and ask, "Is he friendly?" you can say:

"Oh yea. Jerry Sandusky loves little kids...especially boys. He just can't get enough of them."

Grumpy said...

I eat burnt cookies. Not totally burnt, just crispy around the edges. Fuck you Drew, I've been eating Milanos since I was your age.

I am not old.

Prime99 said...

Girl Scout cookies are highly overrated. I never buy them, yet manage to eat a few each year. They could never return and I wouldn't give a fuck.

Peanut butter cookies are the shit when cooked correctly.

I can't tell you how many dogs are named Buster in NorCal. Buster Posey has caused an epidemic. Adam Dunn would be far more appropriate for Ace's pup.

GMoney said...

Grumpy saying he's not old is like Pacman Jones saying he's not black.

Here's a thought: With Soft Batch being the king of bagged cookies, how is Chips Ahoy still in business? Who the fuck named that product anyway? Who buys those little bags of Famous Amos? And what's the deal with Cookie Crisp!!!

The Iceman said...

How is Chips Ahoy still in business?

Because the white trash still dominate the American landscape.

Grumpy said...

I love Chips Ahoy.

The Iceman said...

You must also love chipping your, dentures.

Anonymous said...

Kaiser is an excellent German Shepherd name.