Friday, December 02, 2011
Now I should say that I don’t care much for desserts. I’m pretty sure that I have never ordered a dessert at a restaurant. I don’t possess a sweet tooth. But that doesn’t mean that I hate desserts. In fact, I’m a huge fan of cookies. And now we have reached today’s open forum topic…COOKIES. It should help you get into the holiday eating spirit.
First things first, I won’t touch a crunchy cookie. Them shits are terrible. My sister always cuts her baking times in half so that that is never a problem. Soft cookies are the truth. She$ makes cookies a couple times per year and they are always overcooked. I die a little on the inside when I see them. Then I wonder how I could have married such a monster. DON’T BURN YOUR COOKIES, GOD DAMMIT.
Chocolate Chip – The king of cookies. Have you ever met anyone that doesn’t like these? I wonder if they exist. If they do, those people should be eaten by bears.
Oatmeal – This is a style that I didn’t appreciate until I got older. I also believe that the Oatmeal Cream Pie should be on the American Flag.
Snickerdoodles – Homo name, solid eat.
Macadamia Nut – Most underrated cookie out there.
My mom’s Christmas press cookies – I can’t describe them at all just know that they were my inspiration for this post and that they rule. I would literally be half the man I am today had I never been introduced to them.
Chipwich – 2 cookies with ice cream in the middle? Can I have sex with this?
Spice – This goes for spiced cake, too…WHO LIKES THIS SHIT?
Sugar – Even with frosting, these assbags have no flavor.
Oatmeal Raisin – To steal a line from Stewie Griffin, “Yeah, that’s what kids want in their cookies…fruit”. Is the raisin the most disgusting food ever? Does anyone older than 8 and younger than 80 like raisins? What did oatmeal do to get paired up with raisins?
Chocolate – I don’t like brownies since 95% of them are dryer than Steven Wright’s comedy act. I feel like chocolate-based cookies are just brownie rip-offs.
Peanut Butter – Eh, these do nothing for me.
Black and White – I’ve never seen these sold in Ohio because we are simple folk. I had one the last time I was in New York since it was all the rage in that one Seinfeld episode. It was very disappointing. The black and white frosting tasted exactly the same and the cookie part was so cakey that I had to chug a bottle of water just to swallow it. And I’m usually awesome at swallowing…HEY-OHHHHHHH!!!
“Ookie Cookie” – Yeah…just no.
Now that we’ve got the different types of cookies out of the way, let’s get into brands…
Oreo – On the surface, these things are pretty shitty (sorry, Teddy KGB). But about once a year, the wife will buy Double Stuff which means that I get to become a mad scientist by taking two of them, ripping off one of the awful chocolate sides, combine the two remainders, and creating the ELITE QUAD STUFF OREO. A culinary delight.
Soft Batch – By far my favorite cookie and nothing comes close. They are prepared perfectly as I’m pretty sure they aren’t even cooked. Delicious. While I was on vacation last week, I remembered that we had a bag in the pantry. There were about 5 left. I wanted two and instead ate all five. Why? Because I would have forgotten about the remaining three and I’ll be damned if I let the wife finish the bag. I didn’t need five but I took them down anyway because I’m good at sharing. I am a wonderful husband.
Pepperidge Farm – They look so goddamn fancy but every type they make features a heavy dose of concrete in the batter. What the hell? These things are shit.
Mrs. Fields/Cheryl & Co. – I think I can speak for everyone here that Mrs. Fields and Cheryl can ram me with a strap-on whenever they want. When you make a cookie that good, do with me as you please.
Individually wrapped big gas station cookies – HIGHLY underrated. They’re always sitting there, all huge and whatnot, just staring me down. Taunting me with their 2 minutes of oven-time and heavy butter quotient. You are delicious, random gas station giant cookie. Don’t ever change. And keep being 2 for $2, please.
I wanted to conclude today’s sermon with these. Girl Scout Cookies are strange. They are OK I guess, but pricey. They only come around once a year and then they’re gone like a fart in the wind. Everyone gets so damn excited about these. But I have a problem. First of all, parents need to stop selling them for their little shit daughters. My last name is not Sandusky and thus little girls should be allowed to ask me if I want a bite of their sweet, sweet cookie (ewww). Second, how about a little fucking effort? Third, I assume that the Girl Scouts preach honesty and integrity so why do these girls get to claim their cookie sales even though they probably only sold ten boxes themselves. It’s madness.
But let’s get to the cookies themselves. I enjoy the Tagalongs and Samoas even though they are supposed to be called Peanut Butter Patties and Caramel Delights. For some reason, Thin Mints are popular. THIN MINTS ARE AWFUL. People that like Thin Mints rape the elderly. It’s like the Girl Scouts got together and asked, “How do we make the terrible part of Oreos even worse”? Then someone else presented an Andes mint that had been in their pocket for 6 weeks. And that’s how Thin Mints were born. Thin Mints blow.
Well, that was long and took up way too much of my time. Have at it. As fat Fred Durst would probably say, “I DID IT ALL FOR THE COOKIE”!