Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Championship Week Recap

                                 "Ahhhhhhhh....Nooooooo!!!  Boobies!!!"



So as you may or may not know, I recently moved in with my girlfriend (September).  First, let me say that the benefits of that move FAAAAAAAAR outweigh the negatives.  For example, here's what the bathroom sink looked like the week I moved out of my last house.  Looks like there was an abortion performed in there, right?  While I was living there (a full calender year) I often referred to my living quarters as "The Fight Club House".  Watch Fight Club and you will know exactly what I'm talking about.  Oddly enough, I had a great time there but the house, as a whole, was incredibly dangerous.  Back to my big move...but let me first correct myself.  I shouldn't say negativeS (plural).  There's only been one negative actually.  Her choice of television programming is absolutely fucking putrid.  Let me rattle off a list of bullshit I've caught her watching over the last 3 months.

-Toddlers and Tiaras (Social Services...do your fucking job.)
-Judge Judy (My woman would actually engage in lesbian sex with Judith.  Confirmed.)
-Say Yes to the Dress (Should be re-named to Spoiled Bitches Acting Like Retarded Bitches)
-Long Island Medium (Anything based out of New York automatically sucks.  FACT.)
-19 Kids and Counting (Someone, please for the love of Christ, rip that woman's uterus out of her body!)
-Sister Wives (Contrary to popular belief, having 5 wives would actually be the equivalent to an eternity baking in the fiery bowels of Lucifer)

You get the idea.  But despite all of these fucking dreadful shows I walk in on every night when I return home from work, every once in a great while her penchant for terrible, unwatchable television pays off.  Last night I was introduced to a show called The Virgin Diaries.  Fucking tremendous.  If at any point you are ever feeling a little depressed about your shitty life, just use this little pick-me-up right here.  It's like your own version of happiness in a bottle.  I felt like I could move buildings with my farts after I watched that for the first time.  Just beaming with confidence.  Notice how Ryan literally tries to eat the skin right off that gross mutant's face.  If you're looking for losers filmed in the most awkward situations ever created, look no further.  While everyone absorbs that train wreck, let's check out what lifted our spirits during "Championship Week" in college football.

BCS - I would rather Hadouken diarrhea out of my tender anus for 3 straight hours than watch a re-match of LSU/Alabama.  I would rather suck on a hobo's tooth then be exposed to this fucking bore fest again.  In fact, I doubt I watch a second of that game.  As we all groan about a title game made for the 80 and over crowd (with the exception of all the black players), let's travel back in time to 2006.  Remember when Michigan (#2) lost to Ohio (#1) by 3 points?  So then you would also remember the main argument that kept Michigan from a title game re-match.  I believe it was "a team that doesn't win their conference can't play in the National Title game".  I guess just throw that shit right out the fucking window when it's the SEC involved?  Am I getting that right?  What a bunch of hypocritical fuckface, dick twisters.

Michigan in a BCS game - Brady Hoke's first season and he makes a BCS game.  Glorious.  All the haters can fuckin clamor on about how they played a ton of home games and didn't play anyone and blah blah blah.  Suck a dick and fuck yourself because they're in.  They're in with recruits from a known fart huffer, Bitchrod.  I'm sure once Damman swallows the mouthful of Urban Meyer spunk he bought on Ebay, he'll have something super intelligent to say here.  Can't wait for that nugget.  I guarantee it'll be as stupid as a dog rolling around in its own shit.

Nevada Houston's perfect season - There.  We can stop caring about Case Keenum and Houston now.  Except if you're Colon Cowturd.  I'm sure he thinks Keenum is a first round talent...along with Mel Kiper.  Cowturd and Bird Face can jack each other off to Keenum highlights on draft day while the rest of us compare him to what he really is.  Timmy Chang.  Did you know this fag attempts an average of 41 passes per game?!  Fuckin 41!  Care to be a running back on this team?  First priority...block.  Second priority...block more/contemplate suicide.  Third priority...delay hand off when it's 3rd and 25.  Then cry.  After the season's over...transfer.  No fucking thank you.  I was actually shocked to discover they have 33 rushing TDs this year.  Probably garbage time.  Definitely garbage time.

My predictions from last week - I got two out of three but was a little off on the scores.  Fuck it.  I still rule.  I guess that's what I get for putting my faith in a guy with bean bag leather sewn to his fucking neck.  I can't wait til Denard titty fucks that neck suitcase in the Sugar Bowl.

Gus Johnson - As my Facebook status said Saturday night, I want Gus Johnson to follow me around and commentate my life.  Every day would be a blessing.  As G$ alluded to yesterday, there is no greater announcer at anything.  I think what makes him so good is that he reacts the way people are supposed to react to great plays.  He's one of us.  I just started cackling with 5 or so minutes to go in the 4th quarter when Abbrederis almost busted a kick to the house.  Gus was so overcome with emotion the only thing he could do to keep his heart from exploding like a fucking water balloon was scream "ABBREDERIS!!" every 2 seconds until he was finally tackled.  That's what I want out of my announcers.  Not Aikman and Buck drawing pictures of each others boners during time outs of Cowboys games.

Heisman Finalists - I think they got it right.  People are going to say Kellen Moore was robbed by not getting an invite, but he faints every time he sees a woman's camel toe so he's out in my opinion.  So who's the favorite here?  According to ESPN, RG3 has the most first place votes.  Is it his to lose?  Does Trent Richardson cry like a bitch as he accepts the award the same way Ingram did two years ago?  What about Goblin Face Luck?  Can being dressed in a suit fix his fucked up face and Kermit the Frog voice?  Sound off, assholes.  Who's taking home the most over hyped award in all of sports?

Alright, homos.  Next Tuesday starts Bowl Mania here at the Money Shot.  What I'll do is preview the 3 games kicking off the 17th and make my predictions.  Then you fagnastys will make your picks in the comment section.  As always, we will honor the spread.  Even though the games aren't until Saturday, get your picks in on Tuesday.  Don't be a fuck.  Hey G$...are you doing the Yahoo! thing on top of this?  Be useful for once and let these bitches know.  In closing, I've been doing some reminiscing and will close this week with one of my all time favorite quotes that happens to come from this distinguished site.  A quote I still use in every day life to this day.  "Fuck it.  Two tears in a bucket.  King ding-a-ling."  Enjoy, dildos.

41 comments:

Grumpy said...

Say Yes To The Dress will make you appreciate your wife/girlfriend. Speaking of which, Iceman has a girlfriend? Who knew?

GMoney said...

Living with a woman automatically means that you will find dumbass shit on the DVR. Examples:

*Millionaire Matchmaker (that woman is a hideous gargoyle)
*Real Housewives of 40 different cities
*Some show with cross-eyed flamer Andy Cohen hosting
*The Sing Off
*Project Runway
*Everything on the DIY Network

I can't stress enough how awful Millionaire Matchmaker is.

We'll see about putting together a bowl pool via Yahoo channels. I need to defend my crown, I suppose.

Thanks for not going on many rants today. Now I have something to bitch about tomorrow (by the way, it's a lot).

Are we buying the rumors that Jim Delaney blacklisted Boise State from the Sugar Bowl in lieu of a VaTech team that couldn't be St. Ignatius? It wouldn't surprise me.

Mr. Ace said...

Millionaire Matchmaker is horrible, as is Say Yes to the Dress. But the most awful, terrible abortion of a television show is Grey's Anatomy. Makes me want to go blow up a hospital.

Why wouldn't Delaney do that? He's da boss. If some fucked up club wants to give you all the power you might as well use it.

X Factor is also terrible.

Anonymous said...

National Championship Game...

Do I wish Okie State got in? Yes.

Is the BCS system retarded? Yes.

Do I think Alabama and LSU are the two best teams in college football? Yes.

I for one can't wait to watch Alabama/LSU part 2 and I think anyone that says they won't is either retarded or a liar. For some reason college football is the only sport where people don't seem to think rematches should be allowed to prove a champion. LSU skull-fucked every team in their path this year except for Bama whom they needed OT to beat. Yeah, the offense sucked in it...but that was the hardest hitting game of the year and I'm willing to bet anyone there is more offense the second time around.

It sucks for Okie State, but DON'T LOSE TO IOWA FUCKING STATE if you want to make that game. I've said for years...once you lose a game then you lose your right to bitch about who gets in the game because of the system that is in place. If three teams from big conferences finished undefeated then the team that was left out has every right in the world to cry all over TV. But, when you lose to IOWA STATE you have lost that right.

These teams earned their "playoff game" by this system. The Saints lost to the Packers earlier this year...if the Saints knock the Packers out of the playoffs are people going to say now they are tied 1-1 and bitching? No...because it's a playoff game...they know the stakes...just like Bama and LSU now. I'm excited to watch that national championship game.

As for Michigan and the BCS...whatever. You should have just said "Michigan finished in the top 14!". Dumb thing to brag about when teams ranked way ahead aren't chosen for a BCS game....it's all due to who will bring more fans, not how sweet you were.


Who do I think will win the Heisman? Luck.

Who do I think should win the Heisman? Ball.

Who am I rooting for to win the Heisman? Richardson...solely because he was my pre-season pick for Heisman on this blog.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Careful, Drew, you said a lot of things that I'm going to re-say tomorrow (only better and with more "faggots" tossed in).

It's probably going to be pointless and pretty much just whining about how shitty the bowls are. You know, GREAT WRITING.

Fear not because the ballots are in for the 2011 Weisman Award and that results show will take place here LIVE on Friday. Here's a spoiler: Joe Bauserman did not get an invitation but he is parking cars at the event.

The Iceman said...

That's right, Grumpy. I have a girlfriend. That means you can stop emailing me those inappropriate pictures of yourself.

Just so I don't ruin G$'s post (again), I will just respond with...don't be a fucking hypocrite and people won't bitch.

So according to Drew...making a BCS game doesn't mean you are good at football. Noted. And here I thought Damman was gonna be the one to say something stupid.

GMoney said...

DFL AND MSFL PLAYOFF UPDATES!!!

DFL:
3. Dut vs 6. Lange
4. Daniel vs 5. Jeff (or the other way around...who cares, the winner will get killed by me next week anyway)

The winner of Dut/Lange will see me in the Super Bowl since Ide/Buke did not plan for a Forte knee issue and DMac coming back. See you in the Super Bowl, faggots.

MSFL:
3. Naptown Wolverine vs. 6. Lange
4. Prime vs. 5. Damman

NW/Tebow winner to face Li'l Strut. I need Damman to win because I don't feel like facing Brees and Foster again this season and Damman sucks at fantasy football. Last night, I officially eliminated Ide/Buke from these playoffs and that felt terrific.

Either way, put me down for two championships.

Anonymous said...

No Iceman...I did not say that you fucking retard. I was mocking the false level of greatness that some people seem to attach to a BCS game. Michigan finished in the top 14...I believe # 12...so they obviously did play good football. But, I also believe that I read they are the lowest ranked team to ever play in a BCS bowl. Georgia is a better team than Michigan this year, yet they are in the Outback Bowl. Hell...I think Georgia and MSU are both better than Michigan and VT.

What the hell does this even mean...."don't be a fucking hypocrite and people won't bitch."?

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I just wanted you to say Michigan was good.

That's directed towards the BCS, not you. But G$ seems to be writing about this tomorrow so I'll save it for then.

Prime99 said...

The #4 seed... with the most points in MSFL... game on!

The BCS sucks. Drew's NFL example made me happy because it involved the Packers losing.

GMoney said...

Here's an example for you, Prime:

Brett Favre is open to signing with the Bears. That reminds me of nothing about today's post but I just wanted to remind you of that.

Mocking the false level of greatness from playing in a BCS game? So can we retroactively go back and silence all of you after pointless wins over K-State, Notre Dame, and Arkansas? Whoops, that last one never happened.

Getting there is an achievement. Don't act like it isn't. And no one cares who you think is better anyway. DURRRR my eyez tell me dat West Virginny is better than Alabama! I don't how anyone can use "the eye test" with Bama when they didn't beat anyone all year (yes, Arkansas and Penn State are nobodies).

Anonymous said...

G$....What does OSU's opponents ahve to do with OSU's season? STOP BEING SO DUMB FO REAL. OSU finished in teh top 5 in all three years you just cited. Michigan is the lowest ranked team to ever play in a BCS bowl...they will come as close to sniffing a top 5 ranking as Grumpy will to sniffing a blow job from his wife tonight. Do you realize how dumb the analogy you just used is? Michigan IS the Kansas State, Notre Dame, etc...except they are ranked lower than those teams were. Go talk to a KSU or ND fan...not the team that crushed them. SO DUMB FO REAL.

Since you are Mr. Boise shouldn't you be up in arms that they aren't in a BCS bowl?

I would love for Prime to have to root for Favre.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Boise didn't even win whatever conference they're in now so they have no argument. The one year that Chris Peterson talks shit is the one year where he had no real gripe.

What are you basing "Georgia is better than UM" on? Your awesome eyes? Get fucked. And you're wrong, there is no way that UM is the lowest-ranked BCS team ever. Not with the Big East involved. Way to lie to everyone. Stop lying to everyone. WHY MUST YOU LIE TO ALL OF THESE NICE PEOPLE CONSTANTLY???

G$ continues to pwn your ass. Forever and ever.

Prime99 said...

Favre saying he's interested in playing for the Bears is like any one of us saying we want to fuck Elisha Cuthbert. We may want to fuck her really, really badly, but you need her to be on board as well. Unless Favre rapes the Bears, it ain't happening.

The Iceman said...

"But, I also believe that I read they are the lowest ranked team to ever play in a BCS bowl."

It took me 12 seconds to tell you that is wrong. Uconn played in a BCS game last year as an unranked team...or #25 depending on which ranking system you care to use. Get different sources.

Antoine Dodson said...

I don't even use "so dumb for real" anymore. Loser.

GMoney said...

They aren't even the worst BCS team THIS YEAR.

GMoney said...

Thank you, Antoine, you are accurate like always. Drew writes monologues for Jay Leno. So fresh.

I just wish that he would stop spreading lies in our beautiful comment section.

Anonymous said...

Sorry...they are the lowest ranked "at-large" BCS selection ever. I left out a big part, but I did sort of reference that when I said they weren't picked cuz' of skill but because of how many fans they bring.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, I am more than happy to have the #2 seed in the MSFL, especially with my original team decimated by season ending injuries (Jamal Charles, Jahvid Best, Fred Jackson). My team is running on fumes and nobodies right now. No offense to Lange or Glick, but I would much rather face them in the second week than Murder Panties.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Drew, you embarrassed all of us today. You have brought great shame to our tribe. May Tebow have mercy on your soul.

LS, I will never concede that another team is better than mine, but I'm not excited about drawing Prime in my bracket. I will be pulling for Damman this weekend. I don't know who this "Glick" person is but in the future, the proper nomenclature is Naptown Wolverine or FagNasty.

The Iceman said...

What's a Glick?

Anonymous said...

Sorry for breaking the blog code...

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

G$...You have embarrassed us with your absolutely atrocious analogy.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

It kinda sucks that Michigan gets to play shitbomb VT. I would have love to see Kellen Moore light up that terrible secondary.

Beware, Prime. Eli Manning is finding his groove and will take no prisoners this week. G$, I'm quite sure I still have a better head to head record, more titles and more SB appearances than you all time. So be careful what you wish for in the semis.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

My team runs on your fear!!!

Anonymous said...

It definitely sucked losing to Iceman (embarrassing), which knocked me from 3rd to 5th. Definitely would have liked avoiding Prime in round 1. Hopefully Drew Brees's mole turns cancerous this week.

-Damman

The Iceman said...

"Beware, Prime."

As you know Prime, Damman lost to me in the MSFL this week. You should fear him as much as B.J. Raji fears the Golden Corral.

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/7322580/women-ndamukong-suh-detroit-lions-car-say-hid-their-injuries

This is awesome. What a fuckin turd.

GMoney said...

Damman, bitch please. That's like saying that since Michigan has a better record than Ohio State in the history of the rivalry, that makes Michigan a better program now. I'm sure many of you will like that analogy.

Drew, my analogy passed the eye test. Eat shit.

This is the week to beat Prime though with Brees outside of the Dome in (hopefully) a cold and shitty Nashville December afternoon.

My team is fueled by Roy Helu.

Anonymous said...

Napoleon Wildcats vs. Liberty Center Tigers (football) - 2014

Anonymous said...

It's about damn time Napoleon gets to beat up on their little brothers of the county. CAN'T WAIT

Dut

GMoney said...

OH SNAP! That's badass! I would have loved to play those fags in 1998.

The Iceman said...

Hahahahaha! Those clowns are gonna get killed. The most hilarious thing about Liberty is watching kids that wiegh 130 lbs. roll their jersey sleeves up like they can power clean 600.

Text I just received from my brother:

Fun Fact: My work content filter blocks gmoneysack under the category of "pornography". Other Blogspot blogs work fine...what are you guys doing over there??"

Mr. Ace said...

"what are you guys doing over there??"

Uhh....porn.

I just posted my dog's first shit on Facebook. I'm a better dog owner than you.

Anonymous said...

We haven't had Forte on our team for 6 weeks

GMoney said...

Whatever, you still suck cock. Way to not make the playoffs with Brady and McCoy*.





*Ide based his team around Colt McCoy and Kyle Brady...a bold move.

Wait--NO! In the MSFL, you have Brady, Forte, and Gronk and FAILED. Terrible ownership.

GMoney said...

Shit. I'm so confused. I'm in too many fantasy leagues.

Anonymous said...

RIP Brent Darby. One of my top three favorite Buckeye basketball players of all-time. Dude was a boss on some absolutely terrible OSU basketball teams. Sad.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Are you sure it was Brent Darby? It may have been Herb Sendek.

Brady said...

Congrats the BCS bid Ice. Unfortunately you have to play the most boring team on the planet. Seriously my eyes have started bleeding just thinking about watching Virginia Tech. Maybe it's their horribly disfigured coach, maybe it's Beemer ball or maybe it's the massive amounts of junk I'll have to shoot through my veins to watch that game but I am not looking forward to it.Hey, why don't you have a punt blocking contest instead of a game.

The Iceman said...

We all can't play Florida in the "Nobody Gives a Fuck Bowl." Now THAT'S something to entertain.