My mother never ceases to amaze me with the barrage of bullshit Christmas gifts that get unloaded on me every year. It's like she robs the homeless and wraps up what she's stolen. It's times like this where I question how my mother has gone this long and successfully learned nothing about me. Here's a short list I've compiled of completely useless gifts I've had to return over the years.
-ANYTHING from Kohl's. For some reason she thinks I love that store. And sweaters. Who the fuck purposely buys sweaters? Fat truckers, pedophiles and people terrified of sexual contact. I think that covers it.
-Every single t-shirt she has ever bought me. I've never been a huge guy. Currently I go about 6'1" 215 lbs and that's the biggest I've ever been. Yet every year I get XXL t-shirts from my mom because she claims one year I said I like my clothes big. For the record...never said anything close to that. And even if I did, that doesn't mean I want fucking trash bag sized shirts like Ben Roethlisberger. I don't have C-cup sized man tits I'm desperate to keep a secret.
-Footwear of any kind. Shoes, slippers, sandals, socks...all of it. Let's ignore for a second the ferociously hideous style of footwear she gets me. Even if I did want fucking dragons or wolves plastered all over my sneakers, the fact that she consistently gets me size 12 of everything makes it a moot point. I've worn size 14 since I've been twelve. Fucking twelve. For 20 years she has been completely bricking on my shoe size. Now that's love.
-Picture frames. I'm not a girl. Or in Junior High. Or gay. Or Dut. And I certainly don't give a shit about pictures which is why I've never owned a camera in my life.
So let's fast forward to this year. No different...in any way. First, I got a 8 pack of white ankle socks. I fucking hate ankle socks with a feverish passion and emphatically voice my opinion on them every single year. They're quite possibly the dumbest thing on the clothing market next to fishnet shirts and dumb as fuck Ugg boots. I felt betrayed when I tore away the paper and saw these fuckin things staring back at me. I just shook my head and blindly heaved them over my head without saying a word.
Second, I got a pair of sandals...and you guessed it. Size 12. I was flabbergasted. How the fuck does my girlfriend's mother know more about my than my own mother? It's truly astonishing. Every year at Christmas it's like we've never met before. It would be sad if it weren't so hilarious. After that my expectations were so absurdly low I was actually pumped when I opened a four pack of underwear that were actually my size. Merry fuckin Christmas, Iceman. While I go return 90% of my gifts for cash, let's unwrap some bowl predictions.
Little Caesars Bowl
W. Michigan (+3) vs. Purdue
Western Michigan likes to score but they also hate defense. Purdue just has better athletes. Robert Marve looks like leatherface and I think that helps him be a better football player. I'm also pretty sure his mother sold him as a baby for drug money. Purdue (-3)
Louisville (+1) vs. NC State
What the fuck is a Belk? What a stupid fuckin name for a bowl game. Fitting that two stupid teams are playing in it. Louisville is better in basketball sooooooo........Louisville (+1)
Toledo (-3) vs. Air Force
The Air Force is good at flying planes and making sure we don't die in our sleep at the hands of filthy terrorists. I heard they're also highly underrated bakers. But that's it. I know Toledo has a lot of criminals on their team, but none that are a big enough threat for AF to care. Toledo (-3)
California (+3) vs. Texas
There is nothing more powerful on this earth than the homosexual love between Case McCoy and Jaxon Shipley. It can make Nuns weep. You've seen what Ace and Gary can accomplish when they combine their powers. Expect the same from McCoy and Shipley. Texas (-3)
Champs Sports Bowl
Florida St. (-3) vs. Notre Dame
Brian Kelly slices the femoral artery of a back up linebacker who misses a tackle with a shaved whale's tooth he keeps in his sock at all times. After winning the game, Kelly's apology falls on deaf ears. Kelly celebrates by murdering another student videographer. Dayne Christ still blows. Notre Dame (+3)
Washington (+10) vs. Baylor
G$ will get over his Boner Lover Barkley hangover real quick after realizing the Redskins will be drafting RG3 this year. The next Doug Williams?? Perhaps. Now you just need the next John Riggins. Begin the search in Montana. There's an abundance of weird fucks there. Baylor (-10)
Armed Forces Bowl
BYU (-1.5) vs. Tulsa
Mormons suck at having premarital sex, suck worse at being normal people and suck even more than that at football. Furthermore, Cowturd thinks BYU is a good team and Steve Young infected the campus with retardery at one point. Just too many negatives here. Tulsa (+1.5)
Rutgers (-1.5) vs. Iowa St.
The power of paralysis. Not quite as polarizing as the dick/butt love of McCoy/Shipley, but still quite magnetic. Tell me Rutgers isn't starving to win this for their team mate who can't. This one's for Eric LeGrand. Rutgers (-1.5)
Music City Bowl
Miss St. (-7) vs. Wake Forest
I'm not sure why the spread is 7 here since Mississippi St. really didn't compete well in the SEC. They were pretty much dominated by every decent team they played where at least Wake was able to keep it close against the better teams in the ACC. Wake Forest (+7)
Iowa (+14) vs. Oklahoma
Is there a more fuckin boring team in all of football than Iowa? Isn't it hilarious how Kirk Ferentz's name continues to be mentioned as a potential NFL head coach when he's clearly is dumber than clam juice? Am I the only one who thinks 14 is too low? Oklahoma (-14)
Meineke Car Care Bowl
Texas A&M (-10) vs. Northwestern
I'M PAT FITZGERALD!! I'M ETERNALLY ANGRY BECAUSE I HAVE A UNISEX NAME SO I'M CONSTANTLY FORCED TO PROVE MY MANHOOD BY DOING IRRATIONAL THINGS LIKE BURNING MY GENITALS WITH BOILING WATER OR HEADBUTTING TREES UNTIL MY EARS BLEED!! AHHHHHHHH!! FUCK YOU!!! INTENSITY!!!! Texas A&M (-10)
Georgia Tech (-3) vs. Utah
Did you know Urban Meyer coached at Utah?!?!?! Just throwing a fun Urban Meyer fact out there so we have another irrational reason to talk about Buckeye football. Utah lost to Colorado this year. That's all I needed to know. Georgia Tech (-3)
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Illinois (-3) vs. UCLA
Well, this sure as shit isn't the Kraft Fight Boredom Bowl. Is Nueheisel's plastic face allowed to coach this game after getting fired? No? Damn...UCLA may have a chance. Last question: Is Nathan Scheelhaase white or black? Whether or not I pick Illinois depends on the answer. What's that?? White and black? Close enough. Illinois (-3)
Cincinnati (+1.5) vs. Vanderbilt
What's the over/under for 6'8" black dude haymakers? There's too many fucking bowl games if Vanderbilt is in one at 6-6. This is getting re-God damn-diculous. Hey! Remember when Cincy fans thought Zach Collaros was going to be a stud? Those laughs got me through some dark days. Still like the BearCats though. Cincinnati (+1.5)
Virginia (+3) vs. Auburn
Soooooooo maaaaaaaaaany boooowwwwwwl gaaaaaaaaames. Auburn (-3)
Ticket City Bowl
Houston (-6) vs. Penn State
Can Houston PENETRATE Penn State's suffocating defense? Can the Nittany Lions PLUG the right HOLES and keep the Cougars from SCORING OFTEN on these YOUNG
Urban Meyer's new team vs. Urban Meyer's former team. It's only interesting to Buckeye fans since the rest of the country hates terrible football. Ohio
Michigan State (+3.5) vs. Georgia
Since Matt Barkley can't play in a bowl game this year, expect Colon Cowturd to gush uncontrollably about Kirk Cousins to fill the empty void USC left. Also expect Cousins to make double digit terrible decisions. Georgia (-3.5)
Capital One Bowl
Nebraska (+3) vs. South Carolina
Fuck. Who do I want to lose more? Taylor Martinez or Steve Spurrier? My heart tells me Spurrier. Unfortunately my brain knows that Martinez is fucking terrible and throws like a bitch. Also, Stephan Garcia is too busy crushing lines of blow off of cock shafts and won't be there to be responsible for 8 turnovers. SC (-3)
Wisconsin (+6) vs. Oregon
It's gonna be a shoot out and when that happens Oregon is just better than everyone. Sorry, Rusty Wilson. Oregon wins by a lot. Then we all watch in horror as LaMichael James chews through the goal post with his robotic underbite. Oregon (-6)
Stanford (+4) vs. Oklahoma St.
The battle of the quarterbacks...but only one sounds like Fozzy Bear when he talks. EDGE: Luck. Stanford's only loss is to Oregon and Oklahoma State's only loss was to Iowa State. EDGE: Stanford. And I'm not fully convinced the Big 12 was that much better than the Pac-12. Stanford (+4)
Here are the standings through the first two weeks.
Lil Strut 3-5
Lange 1-7 (way to not submit picks, dick head)
Two new developments this week. We have Lange who didn't pick a single game and slipped into last, and we now have Justin joining the ranks. I allowed his picks (before the games kicked off) because he's terrible at picking stuff like this and it'll be a gas mocking him. Currently Dut is in first but I anticipate that changing rapidly since he probably picked the first two weeks based on who has the hotter players. Next week I'll preview the remaining games all the way up until the national title game. Then a champion will be crowned and a super awesome prize will be mailed to the winner. It's a lock of my pubes. On that note, I hope all you fags got what you wanted for Christmas this year and make sure you get shithouse hammered on New Year's Eve. See all you funky butt lovers in 2012.