Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Bowls, Bowls and More God Damn Bowls

             "MOTHERFUCKIN MAN STUFF, BITCH!  RAAAAWWWRRRRR!"



My mother never ceases to amaze me with the barrage of bullshit Christmas gifts that get unloaded on me every year.  It's like she robs the homeless and wraps up what she's stolen.  It's times like this where I question how my mother has gone this long and successfully learned nothing about me.  Here's a short list I've compiled of completely useless gifts I've had to return over the years.

-ANYTHING from Kohl's.  For some reason she thinks I love that store.  And sweaters.  Who the fuck purposely buys sweaters?  Fat truckers, pedophiles and people terrified of sexual contact.  I think that covers it.

-Every single t-shirt she has ever bought me.  I've never been a huge guy.  Currently I go about 6'1" 215 lbs and that's the biggest I've ever been.  Yet every year I get XXL t-shirts from my mom because she claims one year I said I like my clothes big.  For the record...never said anything close to that.  And even if I did, that doesn't mean I want fucking trash bag sized shirts like Ben Roethlisberger.  I don't have C-cup sized man tits I'm desperate to keep a secret.

-Footwear of any kind.  Shoes, slippers, sandals, socks...all of it.  Let's ignore for a second the ferociously hideous style of footwear she gets me.  Even if I did want fucking dragons or wolves plastered all over my sneakers, the fact that she consistently gets me size 12 of everything makes it a moot point.  I've worn size 14 since I've been twelve.  Fucking twelve.  For 20 years she has been completely bricking on my shoe size.  Now that's love.

-Picture frames.  I'm not a girl.  Or in Junior High.  Or gay.  Or Dut.  And I certainly don't give a shit about pictures which is why I've never owned a camera in my life.

So let's fast forward to this year.  No different...in any way.  First, I got a 8 pack of white ankle socks.  I fucking hate ankle socks with a feverish passion and emphatically voice my opinion on them every single year.  They're quite possibly the dumbest thing on the clothing market next to fishnet shirts and dumb as fuck Ugg boots.  I felt betrayed when I tore away the paper and saw these fuckin things staring back at me.  I just shook my head and blindly heaved them over my head without saying a word.

Second, I got a pair of sandals...and you guessed it.  Size 12.  I was flabbergasted.  How the fuck does my girlfriend's mother know more about my than my own mother?  It's truly astonishing.  Every year at Christmas it's like we've never met before.  It would be sad if it weren't so hilarious.  After that my expectations were so absurdly low I was actually pumped when I opened a four pack of underwear that were actually my size.  Merry fuckin Christmas, Iceman.  While I go return 90% of my gifts for cash, let's unwrap some bowl predictions.

Little Caesars Bowl
W. Michigan (+3) vs. Purdue

Western Michigan likes to score but they also hate defense.  Purdue just has better athletes.  Robert Marve looks like leatherface and I think that helps him be a better football player.  I'm also pretty sure his mother sold him as a baby for drug money. Purdue (-3)

Belk Bowl
Louisville (+1) vs. NC State

What the fuck is a Belk?  What a stupid fuckin name for a bowl game.  Fitting that two stupid teams are playing in it.  Louisville is better in basketball sooooooo........Louisville (+1)

Military Bowl
Toledo (-3) vs. Air Force

The Air Force is good at flying planes and making sure we don't die in our sleep at the hands of filthy terrorists.  I heard they're also highly underrated bakers.  But that's it.  I know Toledo has a lot of criminals on their team, but none that are a big enough threat for AF to care.  Toledo (-3)

Holiday Bowl
California (+3) vs. Texas

There is nothing more powerful on this earth than the homosexual love between Case McCoy and Jaxon Shipley.  It can make Nuns weep.  You've seen what Ace and Gary can accomplish when they combine their powers.  Expect the same from McCoy and Shipley.  Texas (-3)

Champs Sports Bowl
Florida St. (-3) vs. Notre Dame

Brian Kelly slices the femoral artery of a back up linebacker who misses a tackle with a shaved whale's tooth he keeps in his sock at all times.  After winning the game, Kelly's apology falls on deaf ears.  Kelly celebrates by murdering another student videographer.  Dayne Christ still blows.  Notre Dame (+3)

Alamo Bowl
Washington (+10) vs. Baylor

G$ will get over his Boner Lover Barkley hangover real quick after realizing the Redskins will be drafting RG3 this year.  The next Doug Williams??  Perhaps.  Now you just need the next John Riggins.  Begin the search in Montana.  There's an abundance of weird fucks there.  Baylor (-10)

Armed Forces Bowl
BYU (-1.5) vs. Tulsa

Mormons suck at having premarital sex, suck worse at being normal people and suck even more than that at football.  Furthermore, Cowturd thinks BYU is a good team and Steve Young infected the campus with retardery at one point.  Just too many negatives here.  Tulsa (+1.5)

Pinstripe Bowl
Rutgers (-1.5) vs. Iowa St.

The power of paralysis.  Not quite as polarizing as the dick/butt love of McCoy/Shipley, but still quite magnetic.  Tell me Rutgers isn't starving to win this for their team mate who can't.  This one's for Eric LeGrand.  Rutgers (-1.5)

Music City Bowl
Miss St. (-7) vs. Wake Forest

I'm not sure why the spread is 7 here since Mississippi St. really didn't compete well in the SEC.  They were pretty much dominated by every decent team they played where at least Wake was able to keep it close against the better teams in the ACC.  Wake Forest (+7)

Insight Bowl
Iowa (+14) vs. Oklahoma

Is there a more fuckin boring team in all of football than Iowa?  Isn't it hilarious how Kirk Ferentz's name continues to be mentioned as a potential NFL head coach when he's clearly is dumber than clam juice?  Am I the only one who thinks 14 is too low?  Oklahoma (-14)

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Texas A&M (-10) vs. Northwestern

I'M PAT FITZGERALD!!  I'M ETERNALLY ANGRY BECAUSE I HAVE A UNISEX NAME SO I'M CONSTANTLY FORCED TO PROVE MY MANHOOD BY DOING IRRATIONAL THINGS LIKE  BURNING MY GENITALS WITH BOILING WATER OR HEADBUTTING TREES UNTIL MY EARS BLEED!!  AHHHHHHHH!!  FUCK YOU!!!  INTENSITY!!!!  Texas A&M (-10)

Sun Bowl
Georgia Tech (-3) vs. Utah

Did you know Urban Meyer coached at Utah?!?!?!  Just throwing a fun Urban Meyer fact out there so we have another irrational reason to talk about Buckeye football.  Utah lost to Colorado this year.  That's all I needed to know.  Georgia Tech (-3)

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Illinois (-3) vs. UCLA

Well, this sure as shit isn't the Kraft Fight Boredom Bowl.  Is Nueheisel's plastic face allowed to coach this game after getting fired?  No?  Damn...UCLA may have a chance.  Last question: Is Nathan Scheelhaase white or black?  Whether or not I pick Illinois depends on the answer.  What's that??  White and black?  Close enough.  Illinois (-3)

Liberty Bowl
Cincinnati (+1.5) vs. Vanderbilt

What's the over/under for 6'8" black dude haymakers?  There's too many fucking bowl games if Vanderbilt is in one at 6-6.  This is getting re-God damn-diculous.  Hey!  Remember when Cincy fans thought Zach Collaros was going to be a stud?  Those laughs got me through some dark days.  Still like the BearCats though.  Cincinnati (+1.5)

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Virginia (+3) vs. Auburn

Soooooooo maaaaaaaaaany boooowwwwwwl gaaaaaaaaames.  Auburn (-3)

Ticket City Bowl
Houston (-6) vs. Penn State

Can Houston PENETRATE Penn State's suffocating defense?  Can the Nittany Lions PLUG the right HOLES and keep the Cougars from SCORING OFTEN on these YOUNG BOYS MEN?  The key is to ATTACK when the defense looks VULNERABLE and RAM IT HOME when you have the chance.  Pedophilia.  Houston (-6)

Gator Bowl
Ohio State (+2) vs Florida

Urban Meyer's new team vs. Urban Meyer's former team.  It's only interesting to Buckeye fans since the rest of the country hates terrible football.  Ohio State (+2)

Outback Bowl
Michigan State (+3.5) vs. Georgia

Since Matt Barkley can't play in a bowl game this year, expect Colon Cowturd to gush uncontrollably about Kirk Cousins to fill the empty void USC left.  Also expect Cousins to make double digit terrible decisions.  Georgia (-3.5)

Capital One Bowl
Nebraska (+3) vs. South Carolina

Fuck.  Who do I want to lose more?  Taylor Martinez or Steve Spurrier?  My heart tells me Spurrier.  Unfortunately my brain knows that Martinez is fucking terrible and throws like a bitch.  Also, Stephan Garcia is too busy crushing lines of blow off of cock shafts and won't be there to be responsible for 8 turnovers.  SC (-3)

Rose Bowl
Wisconsin (+6) vs. Oregon

It's gonna be a shoot out and when that happens Oregon is just better than everyone.  Sorry, Rusty Wilson.  Oregon wins by a lot.  Then we all watch in horror as LaMichael James chews through the goal post with his robotic underbite.  Oregon (-6)

Fiesta Bowl
Stanford (+4) vs. Oklahoma St.

The battle of the quarterbacks...but only one sounds like Fozzy Bear when he talks.  EDGE: Luck.  Stanford's only loss is to Oregon and Oklahoma State's only loss was to Iowa State.  EDGE: Stanford.  And I'm not fully convinced the Big 12 was that much better than the Pac-12.  Stanford (+4)

Here are the standings through the first two weeks.

Dut 6-2
GMoney 5-3
Iceman 4-4
Ace 4-4
Andrew 4-4
Drew 4-4
Prime 4-4
Brady 3-5
Lil Strut 3-5
Damman 2-6
Justin 2-6
Lange 1-7 (way to not submit picks, dick head)

Two new developments this week.  We have Lange who didn't pick a single game and slipped into last, and we now have Justin joining the ranks.  I allowed his picks (before the games kicked off) because he's terrible at picking stuff like this and it'll be a gas mocking him.  Currently Dut is in first but I anticipate that changing rapidly since he probably picked the first two weeks based on who has the hotter players.  Next week I'll preview the remaining games all the way up until the national title game.  Then a champion will be crowned and a super awesome prize will be mailed to the winner.  It's a lock of my pubes.  On that note, I hope all you fags got what you wanted for Christmas this year and make sure you get shithouse hammered on New Year's Eve.  See all you funky butt lovers in 2012.

25 comments:

Grumpy said...

I'm 6'1", 216 and I wear XXL t-shirts. And white ankle socks every day. Send your shit to me. No cash but you help out a senior citizen.

GMoney said...

How can you not own a camera or desire picture frames? THAT IS PART OF YOUR DNA!!!

"It's like we've never met"...I think everybody gets a few things every year that gets this response. You are not alone. I say the same things.

WMU
Louisville
Air Force
Texas
Notre Dame
Baylor
BYU
Iowa State
Wake
Iowa
Northwestern
GaTech
UCLA
Cincy
Virginia
Penn St
Ohio
Georgia
S Carolina
Oregon
Stanford

Jesus, that's a ton of games.

Anonymous said...

Belk is a department store down south similar to Macys. Picture frames are terrible. Digital picture frames are pure faggotry. And sweaters are not gay at all.

Ide

Anonymous said...

*WMU
*Louisville
*Toledo
*Texas
*FSU
*Baylor
*BYU
*Iowa State
*Wake
*Oklahoma
*Northwestern
*Utah
*Illini
*Cincy
*Auburn
*Houston
*Florida
*Michigan State
*South Carolina
*Oregon
*Oklahoma State

--Drew

GMoney said...

Ide, if you know Iceman's mother, I'm guessing that her sweater choices are very gay as Hell.

Big ups to Lange for holding on for dear life last night in the MSFL Super Bowl for a 103-99 win over Damman. It was fairly high drama indeed. I scored 176 points this week and was one of 7 teams that outscored the two finalists in week 16. No big deal, I'm not fucking bitter or anything.

The G$FL Super Bowl pits Reba vs. GSaul this coming weekend. I feel like I pay GSaul in every league I run. He needs to stop being consistent. Both managers are gunning for title #2.

Mr. Ace said...

Not gonna lie, I fucking raked at Xmas this year. The worst gift I got was a Craftman utility knife and that was in a $10 gift exchange. Solid.

I was very disappointed that G$ didn't respond back to me yesterday when I sent him a picture of my great find. I was at my parents house digging through the basement and found my old collection of football/basketball/baseball cards. My collection is sick...Mickey Mantle, Carl Yastrzemski, Nolan Ryan, a bunch of Jordan shit. Used to be worth a ton but now is worth dog shit. But I was going through my rookie card collection and guess who I saw staring back at me... Rae Carruth. The single greatest boyfriend/baby's daddy ever. I also found a Jordan card with Charlie Sheen on the back. I might fire up a post about my card collection. I can already hear the Maniacs buzzing.

Picks:
WMU
L'ville
TOLEDO BY 40
Cal
ND
Baylor
Tulsa
Rutgers
Wake
Iowa
NW
GT
Ill
Cincy
Virgina haha
Pedo's
FLorida
UGA
NEB
Wiscy
Ok St.

Why are all 35 bowl games this week? Fuck.

Mr. Ace said...

Lil Strut and G$ I need your addresses for MSFL payouts or you will be getting White Castle gift cards. No jokes.

Prime99 said...

WMU
Louisville
Air Force
Texas
Notre Dame
Baylor
BYU
Iowa State
Wake
Iowa
Northwestern
GaTech
Illinois
Cincy
Virginia
Penn St
Florida
Georgia
S Carolina
Oregon
Stanford

I got my wife a MacBook Pro. She got me an Alpaca sweater that sheds worse than 5 cats combined. It's the gift that keeps on giving!

Anonymous said...

It was definitely a heart stopper last night in the msfl. Lance Moore being a bitch killed me. But I guess that's why you don't count on Lance Moore. After my Houdini like escape against Prime in the opening round, it was all icing on the cake.

I'll be back with picks later.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Thanks G$. I dont know how I won but Ill take it. I will miss FF.

Iceman- I dont appreciate the dickhead comment but if you look closely on last Tuesday I did put my picks in. Dickhead.


----Lange

The Iceman said...

I got my wife a MacBook Pro. She got me an Alpaca sweater that sheds worse than 5 cats combined. It's the gift that keeps on giving!

This had me LOL'ing for five minutes.

Jesus Christ, Grumpy. It's like you're my much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much older evil twin. You like exactly the opposite of all the stuff I like.

Ide, somehow my mother managers to locate sweaters that inhabit every fucking member of the color spectrum shoved into one glorious mess. It's like a fucking rainbow blew its load all over the fabric.

How does my girlfriend's mother get me better shit than my own mother? Remote car starter and $100 in gift cards. BOOM! Nailed it.

GMoney said...

But did she get the remote starter from Scuba Steve at Car Stereo One? TURTLE!

Iceman's mother believes that she gave birth to Bill Cosby apparently.

Like all UT alums, Lance Moore is a bitch.

I was too much in awe of the Rae Carruth card staring back at me to respond. My card collection is my 401K. All of those Jordan cards better be worth something HUGE in 2035 should the Mayans allow us to live beyond next year of course.

GMoney said...

Can we get an update from Dutford regarding his foray into the seedy Detroit underbelly???

GMoney said...

Lange's picks last week were terrible but they were made.

FIU
TCU
BSU
USM
UNC

The Iceman said...

Sorry lange. I guess I'm the dickhead. But g$ is right. Those really are awful.

Anonymous said...

Purdue
NC State
Air Force
Cal
FSU
Baylor
BYU
Rutgers
Wake
Okla
A&M
GT
Illinois
UC
Auburn
Penn St
OSU
Georgia
South Carolina
Wisc
Okie St.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Wait a minute, Drew picks Florida???

Brady said...

Whoa, I have seen Iceman wear a Dragon shirt on AT LEAST 2 occasions in my life. The number is probably higher since we are usually fucked up but there is no way he doesn't own a dragon shirt.

Whats wrong with sweaters? Is it because they don't have fire-breathing mythical beasts on them?

Purdue
Louisville
Air Force
Cal
Florida St.
Baylor
BYU
Iowa St.
Miss St.
Oklahoma
NOrthwestern
G. Tech
UCLA
Cincy
Auburn
Penn St.
Ohio STATE
MIchigan st.
Nebraska
Wisky
Oklahoma St.

Anonymous said...

Yes I did....faggot.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

*WMU
*Louisville
*Toledo
*Texas
*FSU
*Baylor
*BYU
*Iowa State
*Wake
*Oklahoma
*Northwestern
*Utah
*Illini
*Cincy
*Auburn
*Houston
*Florida
*Michigan State
*South Carolina
*Oregon
*Oklahoma State

-Dut

Anonymous said...

Detroit was fantastic. We sat at the hotel and slammed 2 dolla drafts then hit up MGM. Within 3 minutes of playing craps I was already down 100$. Then I went to another table and lost about 80 more. After that I went and got my mind right at the bar for an hour or so. All of a sudden we stumbled upon the hottest craps table ever. Commenter jsaul raked in 2 G's, grant raked in over a g, and I won a little over $700. Would have won more if I wasn't shitfaced playin higher stakes blackjack. Fuck that game. Craps is where its at!

Dut

GMoney said...

Dut, I have a feeling that your new found love of craps would make you and Prime best buds. I wish you went broke though...and then got raped by one of the millions of homeless black guys in Detroit.

The Iceman said...

Brady's just confused about my clothing choice.mjust because every one of my shirts doesn't have Brutus the buckeye on them...

Justin VanAusdale said...

There's a lot of games.
Purdue, NC state, Toledo, Texas, Florida St, Baylor, byu, rutgers, wake, Iowa, northwestern, gt, Illinois, vandy, auburn, Houston, Florida, Mich St, Nebraska, wiscy, Stanford.

Fuck...

Anonymous said...

Louis
Toledo
Texas
ND
Baylor
Tulsa
IA St.
Miss. St.
Oklahoma
NW
Utah
Illini
Cinci
Auburn
Houston
OSU
Georgia
USC
Oregon
OK St.

Andrew