Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Bowl Season, Bitches.

         "HEYYYYYYY!!  GOT ANY FIELD MICE??  I'M FUCKIN STARVING!!"


^ This joke should make sense later.  There are few things worse than listening to someone bitch about a bad fantasy football beat.  But this tale is especially gruesome so I'm venting today because A) I'm super pissed and this is the only way I know how to cope and B) you don't have anything else better to do.  I'm basically doing this for me because I really don't care about any of you or what you want.  Let's set the stage...

The auction league I'm in starts 2 QB, 3 RB, 3 WR, 1 kicker and has 3 divisions of 4 teams each.  Gayer than AIDS, I know...but it's how it's always been done.  Just like Ide hating everyone who isn't white.  I started off 0-4 and slowly battled my way back into contention.  This week (final week of the regular season) the stakes were simple...win and win the division ($100)/make the playoffs, lose and miss the playoffs completely.  Obviously, you know what happened or else I wouldn't be boring you with this.  I lost.  But this wasn't any normal loss.  This was a special kind of loss.  A deep pounding of the anus so dirty and rough it will leave stress fractures on your pelvis.  Here is the short version details.

I found out early that AP was inactive.  I squealed like a pig-tailed bitch eating pudding when I heard this news since my opponent then had to start Dexter McCluster instead of AP.  Mark it zero, Dude.  Things were going perfectly so I shut the computer down and began watching a movie.  Around 7:30 PM I received a text from my younger brother that read, "How pissed are you right now?".  Now, I never get "good news" texts from him since it's his life long fucking quest to intentionally evoke volcano anger from me so I instantly knew something sour was in the oven.  Without even looking, I already knew.  Kevin Kolb got hurt and John Skelton went fucking off.  That's right.  My opponent started John Fucking Skelton as his #2 quarterback and broke off 31 points in my asshole thus knocking me out of the playoffs.  Let me repeat.  My opponent started a quarterback INTENTIONALLY who has not seen game action in four weeks and I lost because of it.

I want John Skelton dead.  I want to light his pubes on fire...and I know he has them.  Virgins always have pubes.  Only people who get pussy on a regular basis manscape the crotch.  There's no way this ogre has ever been within 500 feet of a naked vagina without deliberately breaking some sort of restraining order.  This is easily top 5 worst losses of all fucking time.  While I head butt a stack of kitchen knives, let's preview the 3 bowl games happening this week.  Remember...get your picks in today or suffer the fate of John Skelton.

Ron New Mexico Bowl

Temple (-7) vs. Wyoming - 2PM

John Chaney looks like an owl.  That's all I can ever think of whenever I see anything Temple related.  Here's the deal.  Wyoming has a hard time scoring and Temple doesn't give up a lot of points.  Plus everyone forced to live in Wyoming is most likely battling depression constantly.  You can't win football games if you're constantly thinking about deep throating the tail pipe of your uncle's '62 Chevy after putting a cinder block on the gas pedal.  Temple will control the clock with the run game and keep what Wyoming is calling an offense off the field.  Temple (-7).

Idaho Potato Bowl

Utah State (-3) vs. Ohio - 5:30PM

Even though the Bobcats have to travel to the other side of the fucking earth to play against Utah State (who pretty much has a home game here) I'm going to say "Fuck it, two tears in a bucket" and go with OU despite that.  It's not that OU has an offense that will twist your tits off.  I mean, OU can move the ball a little but when you play a team who's defense ranks close to 100 in points against like the Aggies, I'll bet on the offense.  I saw first hand last year (Michigan) what a fucking horrific defense is capable of.  Bobcats (+3).

New Orleans Bowl

LA-Lafayette (+4.5) vs. San Diego State

Hmmmm.  Tough call here.  On one hand, Jake Delhomme was a Rajun Cajun and that means LA-Laf's football program should never be taken seriously.  Ever.  On the other hand Herman Edwards went to SDSU...and he reminds me of that creepy old guy who touches girls inappropriately but in an inconspicuous manner so that he can always claim ignorance.  Not only that, but he's totally that guy who just gets too God damn close to your face whenever he's talking to you.  So close that the garlic stench coming off his moustache brings you to tears from the violent dry heaving it causes.  And STOP FUCKING TOUCHING MY ARM WHEN YOU TALK TO ME, HERM!!  SOME PEOPLE ENJOY THEIR PERSONAL SPACE!!!  Yeah...Aztecs (-4.5).

So there it is, fudge packers.  That is top notch fucking bowl coverage if I do say so myself.  Next week I'll be previewing games from Tuesday December 20th to Monday December 26th.  Oh yeah...talk about the Heisman too if you feel inclined to do so.  Personally I think it went to the right guy since most Heisman trophy winners spit shine taints in the NFL.  If you want to know how RG3's NFL career is gonna go, just use Troy Smiff's career as a guide.  Enjoy, penis wrinkles.

39 comments:

GMoney said...

Since he didn't explain it at all, you have to make a pick against the spread here and not saying who wins. Idiot. Ace ran a much better awful pool.

I'll take:
Temple -7
Utah State -3
ULL +4.5

Iceman, you bitch and you moan but just wait until Prime shows up today to explain his feelings after getting knocked of the MSFL playoffs by Damman last night. Damman needed 18 points out of SEAHAWKS DEFENSE to tie. He got 18. Tiebreaker was QB points. Prime has Brees, Damman has Eli. Eli outscored Breesus by ONE point. Prime goes home...because of Seattle's defense and the Tard Manning. Ouch babe.

Mr. Ace said...

Wyoming +7
Utah St -3
SDSU -4.5

Tracking this shit sucks fucking balls. Enjoy.

Pretty sure I felt Damman's nut through his text message last night. Has anybody heard from Prime? Brutal.

Also, how about the Rockets having the youngest head coach in D1. I like the hire. Beckman was a defensive coach...and our defense was absolute dog shit. Campbell will keep the offense moving forward. MAC Championship!

Anonymous said...

Ohio U has never won a bowl game in their history!!

The streak will continue for the Green Weenies!!

GMoney said...

This is news to me...who is this guy and where is he from? I realize that I could just look it up but I want to hear it from you so that when it fails, we all have something to laugh at.

Anonymous said...

Wyoming
Utah St
SDSU

Holy shit. What a finish last night. G$ summed up what happened, so I don't need to re-tell it. But another note. I would have lost by 1 point, but the Seahawks got a meaningless sack with under a minute left in the game to pull me into a tie. I love fantasy football.

-Damman

Mr. Ace said...

Campbell wass our current OC for the past 3 years. I just hope he can recruit like Beckman. UT will continue to make it rain on you hoes for decades.

The Iceman said...

G$...I explained already in previous posts that we are picking against the spread, dick sniffer. The picks I made were against the spread but to erase any confusion I went back and put the spread in there with my pick. Satisfied?

Prime's loss is pretty brutal given the fact that points were taken away from him yesterday. But WHO THE FUCK STARTS JOHN SKELTON??? I just found out this morning that a win would have given me a first round bye. That means John Skelton fucked me out of guaranteed money.

Ace, the cutoff is 5PM today. Any picks submitted after that I won't look at...and I have a super nerd friend who claims he can set everything up for me on a spreadsheet. What he tells me is that it takes little time to calculate the results. We'll see...

Anonymous said...

Temple
OU
San Diego State

--Drew

GMoney said...

Beware, Ace, I once was OK with my team promoting the OC to head coach and it set the program back ten years because he was a dumbass piece of shit.

SHANE MONTGOMERY WAS THE WORST COACH IN FOOTBALL HISTORY.

I've got to be honest, this post sucked. Time to talk to all the dog owners out there to salvage this. So apparently they make this pill now that takes care of heartworm AND has flea prevention qualities all in the same tablet. That's fucking incredible! How were they able to do this? That's like buying a bag of delicious pizza rolls that can satisfy your hunger AND comb your hair! They are expensive as shit (6 pills is over $100), but I applaud the breakthrough technology.

Prime99 said...

I was Dammaned. Way worse than being Tebowed. I'll put in my picks later in the day...

Mr. Ace said...

G$, I believe Trifexis is the drug you are referring to. We looked into that, but it will likely destroy your dogs liver/kidneys in a couple years. Also causes siezures, diarrhea and all other terrible shit.

Heartworm meds are a joke as well, especially in Ohio. Don't buy them, ever.

Anonymous said...

Be careful G$ we have used those pills before and they did not work. The problem with the pills we had were that it kills flea eggs but not the actual flea. So we bought the heartworm pill and a flea killing pill. Just FYI.
.
G$ could we meet in the finals in both the DFL and MSFL? Possible but I like ur odds better than mine.

I'll take
Temple -7
Utah state -3
SDSU -4.5

Ugly loss Prime..... can't wait to hear your rant.

Lil Strut,
Tebow aka (Mansborough 2.0) is coming for you.

Anonymous said...

----Lange

Anonymous said...

I'll take:

Temple -7
Utah State -3
ULL +4.5

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I am going to admit that I am probably fucked this week in the MSFL. Losing 3 out of the top 4 running backs on a team built around running backs tends to lower the output of that team. Combine that with the fact that I have shitty matchups and Lange has great matchups across the board, and it appears that I will get slaughtered. If I upset Lange this weekend, I am a team of destiny.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Wait. Ohio plays in the Potato Bowl and The Gator Bowl? I'm so confused as to why they play in two games???????

--Brady "Who wants me to titty fuck them?" Hoke

The Iceman said...

This post was ELITE. Speaking of dogs. Apparently my new vet is for fucking celebrities only. Two weeks ago I had my dog there for less than an hour (thought he had diabetes), they did blood work on him only and it was $200. Now he's there again today (hacks like he smokes 4 packs a day) for x-rays, an ultrasound and a urine culture. Dare I say this bill should ring up ar around 4 digits?? Can't wait for them to charge me a grand to tell me jack shit.

GMoney said...

Now I'm nervous about this Trifexis stuff. If it cause all sorts of damage, then why would the vet recommend it? We'll give it a shot I suppose since She$ already bought them.

Lange, I was thinking about that last night. It would be pretty amazing if we Super Bowl'ed both leagues. I like my odds in both since:

DFL vs. Dan - He has to deal with Brees in the Metrodome against the Vikes rotten defense while he debates the merits of Josh Freeman and Fitzpatrick

MSFL vs. Damman - He just lost Greg Jennings which he planned to use to counterbalance Rodgers and Eli faces the tremendous REDSKINS DEFENSE!

I am guaranteeing victory in both. That's right: GUARANTEE.

Anonymous said...

Ace- all drugs have possible side effects. Your herpes medication probably causes seizures and destroys your liver too. What I'm trying to say is stop being such a pussy and just take the damn pill. My god I hate vegans.

How about osu all of a sudden rollin into the top 10 in recruiting rankings? A 5 star dt and a 4 star de switching their commitments from b10 rivals to osu in the same day? Also, the #1 ranked DE is expected to commit next week. Yes please. Good luck to b10 qbs in the future when they play osu and Michigan. Both teams have ridic talent coming on the dlines.

I would love to see the confusion on fatass' (hoke) face when he sees Ohio play this week.

I'll take temple, Utah state, and ull.

Dut

GMoney said...

Ace only uses the all-natural tampons now.

Anonymous said...

I also hate fantasy football. Im thinking about taking the next 8 months off. ALL THAT WORK TO BUILD AN ELITE TEAM RIGHT DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN BECAUSE OF PACKERS DEFENSE AND A BROKEN DEMARCO ANKLE!?!? I am also officially breaking up with cam.

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Here is some info on heartworm meds in general: http://www.dogs4dogs.com/blog/2009/05/13/heartworm-medication-safety/

And here is a site that references Trifexis: http://www.toypoodlerescue.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=223:trifexis-side-effects&catid=3:blog&Itemid=14

Seriously, dogs don't need heartworm meds, unless you treat your dog like shit and it is unhealthy. If you are determined to give your dog heartworm meds then it should only be done during late spring and summer.

How about Sandusky's lawyer promoting a gay sex line on accident during the presser, 1-800-REALITY!!! Ide answered when I called.

Mr. Ace said...

Also, Dut is the worst FF commish ever. When is the last time you updated that front page? August?

Anonymous said...

The only odd part about that 1-800-REALITY joke is that Ape didn't get off the phone for 98 minutes.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Your erotic voice hypnotized me.

Prime99 said...

First my picks...

Temple, Utah St, and SDSU

Now, onto my beef with goddamn football this weekend.

Poor Iceman lost to John Skeletor in fantasy! Wah! Well, I lost money on the game that the Niners should have wrapped up in the first half. I also lost money on the Pats who would've won me money had they run the ball or NOT had Tom Brady thrown an INT in the end zone.

With the Niners covering I went to play Craps. Immediately, I was up and things were going great. The Bears were winning as well! Then it ALL went to shit and I began to feel like the excrement of my MSFL team name.

Niners lose, Bears get Tebowed, I lose some cash at the table and ultimately left Reno on a down note.

Then Damman's Seahawks immediately block a punt for a TD and I knew this shitty weekend had rolled into MNF. After the game, I did not want to believe G$'s text about QB points being the tiebreaker- I thought it was bench points for whatever reason. I researched the MSFL site for about 10 minutes until I finally gave up, destroyed.

In conclusion, fuck Tebow, Marion Barber, Skeletor, Damman, Plaxico Burress, Tom Brady, the Jaguars, the Craps table, the Seahawks D and Sam Bradford.

Anonymous said...

Iceman....what size is your dog? Many smaller dogs that sound like they are hacking up a lung occasionally, do that because they have a partially collapsed trachea. There isn't much that can be done about this, but if you get the dog one of those harnesses that comes across their chest and just keep it on, the hacking gets cut down big time. I'd ask the vet about that before I kept spending tons for him to figure other shit out.

--Drew

GMoney said...

That is some quality hate from Prime...and well deserved, too.

The Iceman said...

He's about 16 pounds Drew. I appreciate the help, pal. Maybe now I can stop putting my vet's kids through fucking private school.

Way to make a guy feel like a heel for bitching, Prime. You win my friend. You win. Next time I'm out west (this coming summer) the first round is on me.

Prime99 said...

Thanks Iceman. At least I won something this week...

Let me know when you're out this way. Are you going to SF? Definitely stay out of Oakland, though...

The Iceman said...

It's probably gonna be in June or July, Prime. We're looking at Northern California (San Francisco area) or Oregon/Washington. Not sure if that's anywhere near you but if it is let me know.

I just watched a gang wars episode based in Oakland. They had over 100 murders in a span of 3 months. No fucking thank you.

Anonymous said...

Picking up Seahawks D on the waiver wire last week was ELITE fantasy football management.

The Social Assassins are a team of destiny.

Prime, I was happy to add to your enjoyable weekend.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Iceman...look up collapsed trachea on the internet. It's a very common issue for small dogs (16 lbs definitely fits). My girlfriend has a dog that is roughly 10 lbs or so and he does that whole couging up a lung thing occasionally. The vet checked him and said he's got a partially collapsed trachea. She got one of those little harnesses that you wrap around the dogs chest (you can barely see it with all his fur) and connect the leash to. He jsut wears it all time now and it's very rare to ever hear him make that noise now. Occasionally, he will still make it...but it's amazing that just the support from that little strap has made it almost go away completely.

Also, don't let the vet talk you into any medicines or procedures for that. While it's annoying/makes you worry when you hear the dog cough, it's extremely rare for it to ever cause the dog any physical problems whatsoever. Just something the dog deals with. The example of "hacking up a lung" sounds EXACTLY like what her dog's collapsed trachea sounds like when it flares up. Look it up...it's common and it's not a big deal.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Social Assassins will make as much noise in the playoffs as an underwater fart. FACT.

The Iceman said...

Thanks Drew. That definitely helps. Vets are fucking crooks, man.

Prime99 said...

Consider me Virgil for next week as I'll be cheering on the Million Dollar Men.

Ice- I'm in Sacramento. SF is about 1.5 hour drive away. Oregon and Washington might as well be infinity hours away as I've never been to either. I hear they are both nice though.

GMoney said...

I've made Prime make the trip to Queertown before, Iceman. He can do it for you, too.

Who knew that the comment section here was filled with amateur vets!

The Million Dollar Man showed up on Raw last night. That's got to be a good sign for me although for some reason he failed to discuss the time that he met me this summer. That was a tad uncool but whatevs.

I will be at least a 30 point favorite this week, D, so your "destiny" has it's work cut out for it.

The Iceman said...

I'm, pushin for San Francisco. I have a boner for that place...uh, poor choice of words. I've been there twice. I just can't get enough of Alcatraz. That place is fucking boss. Once we finalize everything, I'll let you know Prime.

That's shocking G$...I figured that would be the FIRST thing he mentioned. How he met you and then made Dut suck his dick in front of 10,000 people.

Anonymous said...

Wyoming +7
Ohio +3
SDSU -4.5

Andrew