Friday, December 16, 2011

Because Fridays Were Made For Mail-Ins

Angelina Valentine is good at what she does.  Familiarize yourself with her.
I really, REALLY want to breakdown my fantasy football playoff matchups this week but I understand that you all would hate me for that. If my opponents would like to give it a go, then I will reply in the comments. I’ve got Reba in the G$FL, Damman in the MSFL, and Daniel in the DFL…I’m favored in all 3. Let’s get three big dubyas this weekend! In lieu of me blabbing on and on, today is just going to be a hit-and-run type post. I’ve got some topics, a few opinions, and I’m out.

Tebowmania is starting to get kind of annoying…even to me. I’m not mad at the kid though since it isn’t his fault. It isn’t going to make me ever root against him (because I won’t). But it would be nice if ESPN and—who am I kidding, it’s just ESPN—would take a little break on telling me every little detail of his existence that I already knew anyway. And to those of you who hate the guy, let me ask you this: How awesome is it that Trent Dilfer and Merrill Hoge were wrong? It’s very awesome. I want them (especially Hoge) to continue to be wrong because he is an asshole. And I’d rather keep being beaten over the head with Churchy McGee than find out more details about child molestation. I guess I’m just old fashioned.

That being said, I kind of like Denver to pull the upset on Sunday. If Bill Belichick is this awesome coach then why the fuck is he playing a college QB converted to punt returner converted to wide receiver converted to defense now in the secondary? You can’t tell me that there are ZERO people on the planet that play better nickel corner than Julian Edelman (who apparently thinks he’s good enough to talk shit on the field…he is definitely not). At least he spent two second round picks on terrible RBs and has Ryan Mallet for no reason at all.  Belichick sucks. Prediction: Tebow throws for 300 yards and scores three touchdowns in a 27-24 Denver victory.

Speaking of child rapists, how about that new lawyer on the Sandusky defense team?  Implying that ol' Jerry was teaching those boys how to properly take a shower is LOLZ.  I used to think that Roger Clemens had the worst lawyer ever, but Team Sandusky is ELITE at being putrid.

I like how the Browns are throwing their medical staff under the bus with this whole Colt McCoy concussion fiasco. Apparently, they didn’t see the play because they were tending to other injured players. OK, well when the quarterback comes off the field reciting the alphabet in Martian, a chimp could figure out that he might have something wrong upstairs. I say it every week and I’ll say it again: The Browns are terrible. Damman was telling me that a month or so ago, after another great Browns loss, some guy called into STO or sports talk or whatever 100% convinced that Pat Shurmur was retarded. Best phone call ever?

Did you know that Marshawn fucking Lynch has scored a touchdown in NINE straight games? That sounds like a lie since Lynch blows but I assure you that it is not.

Chris Paul was finally traded. Everyone seems to want to kill Dan Gilbert for his letter to Stern vetoing the CP3 to Lakers deal (like Simmons) yet Mark Cuban voted against it, too. Nobody is saying shit about Cubes giving a big FUCK YOU to the Lakers. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I want my owner to shut the fuck up.

Anyone else watch the pilot episode for Luck last Sunday on HBO? I thought it was great. Richard Kind sucks like he does in everything but the rest of the cast seemed solid including the crotchety Nick Nolte (still the best mug shot ever). And any time that I can watch a woman stick her arm up a horse’s ass, I’m watching that shit.

The only thing that my wife wants for Christmas is an upgrade on a kitchen appliance that is currently the most frustrating piece of machinery that I’ve ever been forced to use. I tell her that I will get whatever she picks out. But she won’t pick out anything and leaves the final decision up to me. Why? Because she wants to be surprised on Christmas! I am GUARANTEED to fuck this up and get the wrong one. Why does she continue to play mind games with me? JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT DAMMIT! Never get married.

A new business took over half of the first floor offices in my building this week and I swear that they only hire hot chicks. I haven’t even remotely seen one uggo come out of their doors yet. That’s my kind of company.

Urban Meyer is starting to build his DREAM TEAM staff. He has Tom (and Doug) Herman coming from Iowa State to run the offense and Luke Fickell is apparently NOT the DC yet but will be calling plays (I don’t understand what this means). As an Ohio State hater, I’m more than happy to see the Cyclones offense combined with the 2011 terrible anOSU defense. 7 straight BCS titles are all but a formality now!!! For the record, I don’t know if these are good or bad hires, but they don’t feel like DREAM TEAM hires.

Who watched the 24/7 Rangers/Flyers Road to the Winter Classic on Wednesday? This series continues to be fucking awesome. Ilya Bryzgalov might be the most insane athlete ever. I want to no more about his thoughts on the universe.

Those are enough talking points for the day, I believe. Before we exit for the weekend, I would like you all to wish my fantasy football teams (Franklin and Bash Bros, The Million Dollar Men, and Caylee Anthony Makeout Party) the best of luck. We don’t need it, but you should want to be a part of a winning team for once in your life.

35 comments:

Grumpy said...

If Tebow beats the Pats I will kiss your ass at high noon on the Statehouse lawn.

GMoney said...

Request denied. Maybe you can teach me how to properly shampoo though, you old queen.

Daniel said...

Where do you work location wise? The logistics situation you described is eerily similar to my wife's situation (her office just moved this week to the first floor of some building).

GMoney said...

Emerald Parkway...the home of legends

Grumpy said...

Ewww, you've been ogling Daniel's wife. Sick bastard.

Daniel said...

If it's 6500 Emerald parkway...then that's my wife's office. You better not become a homewrecker like known homewreckers Dut and Lil Strut.

Matt Bryant was a little too productive last night. Though I did enjoy atlantas decision to go for it on 4th down inside the 20 with 4 minutes left. Shonn Greene and Rex grossman will take me to the promised land.

Anonymous said...

RODDY!

I can only hope your prediction about Jesus is right so he can lead me to the promised land in the MSFL. Tebow, lynch and the bush's have turned my team around.

How bad is Blaine Gabbert btw? I mean I guess he is throwing the ball to Taylor Price and Chastin West. I feel bad for MJD and Im surprised at how well he has done this year.


Good luck with the xmas shopping. Just get her a gift card that she can take to buy the appliances.

Oh and in my courtesy basket I would leave...... Tyler Hansboroughs jock strap, a Soulja Roy t-shirt, a kriss kross rap cd.

----Lange

GMoney said...

I was under the impression that Chastin West was a contract actress with Brazzers until I saw him catch a TD pass last night.

Matt Bryant was ELITE last night. I have no idea why ESPN projected him for 6 points against the goddamn Jags though.

It is 6500, bitch! Prepare to have the home wrecked! Although if I had seen your wife, I think I would have at least thought "she looks familiar" so I don't think I've seen her yet. There is some guy from Tinora that works here that knows who I am but I don't know him yet he has never said anything to me. Goddamn Ram. I'm in your head now. So does she work for an escort service or what??? Fuck it, I'm taking her out for lunch at Taco Bell today.

Daniel said...

She works for a staffing company, Aerotek. If you take her to Taco Bell that will ruin my planned "date night" tonight.

Prime99 said...

Sam Hurd gets arrested on federal drug running charges and can't get in the hodgepodge post?! I find that story hilarious.

After the way the Pats played against the Skins, a Tebow victory wouldn't surprise me.

Prime99 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I would like to again thank Grumpy for cutting Julio Jones. He has been huge the last couple weeks.

It's gonna be an uphill battle for me but I got the good start I needed last night. I'm banking on Beanie blowing up on the Browns (not exactly going out on a limb there) and my Cowboys duo having a big day against the Bucs. I like where I'm at.

-Damman

Grumpy said...

You're welcome Damman. I expected Jones to blow up, but when he was injured and sat out a couple games I needed WR's and so he had to go.

GMoney said...

Grumpy, didn't you also cut Roy Helu? Thanks (if that was you). You are a terrible owner. At least you kept Emmanuel Sanders over Julio.

Jones-Drew got me 12 hard earned points and was easily the worst matchup of all my players this week. It's Tampa's run defense that is shit (due to Haynesworth no doubt). You're still going to lose big.

Anonymous said...

I'm having trouble deciding who I hate worse in fantasy.. Damman or g$? Fortunately Damman is AWFUL in my league every year. G$ is on an incredible run of luck and the cockiness levels are unbearable. I think I hate then equally.

Wasnt roddys bombshell predictable last night? Thanks for not doing that last week, asshole.

Dut

Grumpy said...

Yes, I cut Helu. No regrets about that one. I am a terrible owner, but have learned a lot in my first year.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dut, I got 3rd in your league last year and I dominate you in G$'s league every year. But I guess I dominate everyone in that league every year so that's not saying much.

The fact that you hate me so much in fantasy makes me think I'm doing something right.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Incredible run of luck? More like ELITE NOT OVERRATED DOMINANCE.

Unbearable cockiness? I don't even know what this means. By the way, I have already picked you first to be in my division next year. You are so irrelevant and unthreatening that I want you in my half of the league.

Brady said...

I can't believe I was sucked into the Walrus hype machine when he was hired in Cleveland. Clearly his 1st head coaching hire has been a disaster. I kind of hope Paddy O'Shurmer turns out to be retarded. It would go a long way in explaining his pressers and game management. Per Usual, I am longing for the end of the Browns season so I can eagerly anticipate which college star's career they can end next. I used to say "I hope to see a championship before I die" with tongue in cheek but now I'm not so sure it will ever happen. Fucking worthless excuse for an organization.

Urban's coaching hires may not be that sexy (although I'm still excited to have anyone besides Bollman calling the plays) but his real splash has been in the recruiting wars. Fucker is straight poaching 5 star studs from the rest of the Big Ten. Our D-Line is going to be 3 deep next year. I'm not even shitting you. Hope everyone enjoyed their 1 year window without the Buckeyes. Shit gets real next year boys!

The Iceman said...

"but his real splash has been in the recruiting wars. Fucker is straight poaching 5 star studs from the rest of the Big Ten. Our D-Line is going to be 3 deep next year. I'm not even shitting you. Hope everyone enjoyed their 1 year window without the Buckeyes. Shit gets real next year boys!"


This is why we hate Brady, G$. You should have heard the slurps coming from his living room when OSU landed Jaamal Berry a few years ago. Brady is the number one offender in hyping up OSU recruits before they have done a thing. Just to recap here are Berry's stats for his OSU career.

35 carries, 271 yards and a single score. Dude can throw an right cross though!

The Iceman said...

Tracy McGrady is now on the Hawks and I promise almost no one knew about it. That's hilarious because that means that officially no one cares about Tracy McGrady except for McGrady...the way it should be.

Brady said...

Berry was a top 3 running back when he was recruited. Shoot me for getting excited over that. So he turned out to be a thug who gets into fights every other night. Aren't the chances on that happening to a RB from Florida about even money? Good thing OSU still has Hall, Hyde and Smith returning while also aquiring Warren Ball and Brionte Dunn via recruiting. You remember Brionte Dunn right Ice? Yeah, I thought you did. Your "#1" recruiting class isn't looking so #1ish these days.

GMoney said...

Gotcha, Iceman, Brady is showing his true colors now by bragging about 18 year olds. Ugh.

By the way, is it really that big of a deal to "steal" a recruit from Penn State? That Schutt guy was considering my offer of an unpaid internship at this blog over playing for the Lather, Rinse, Repeat University.

I would like to know what percentage of 4 and 5 star recruits actually amount to good players at college. By good, I mean a definite starter for at least 2 years (or if they lived up to expectations which is totes unquantifiable but whatever). I bet it's not that high (like 60% give or take).

The Iceman said...

That's my point. Just because someone is a "5 star" athlete doesn't mean they're a lock to be a stud. You need to learn how to pump the brakes.

You mean the guy who committed to OSU first, then decomitted then committed again? The guy who can't decide what the fuck he wants? They guy who will probably transfer in 2 years? Yeah...you can have him. Besides, I'm sure he'll never see the field since OSU has RB talent falling out of their dick holes...right?

The Iceman said...

Yeah, I thought you did. Your "#1" recruiting class isn't looking so #1ish these days.


You can start talking when OSU gets into the top 10.

Brady said...

It's true that 4 and 5 star guys aren't guaranteed to become studs. In fact probably over half either flunk out or are involved in some sort of drug/assault/cheating scandal before they reach their potential. But this is a numbers game fellas and the more highly rated guys you can get, the better chance you will find the star you're looking for. Urban has a history of recruiting questionable guys (I don't give a shit but some people care about "morals" instead of winning for some reason) but he also has a laundry list of college stars from his Florida days. I'm psyched to see what he can do with a football factory like Ohio St. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

/punches self in face for using that line

GMoney said...

Going full circle here, I agree that it is a numbers game but it still come down to development, work ethic/"want to", and coaching. Like I said in the post, Herman and Fickell don't pass THE EYE TEST for this bitchin' staff that Meyer was apparently supposed to be putting together. But maybe they're great...we'll have to wait and see.

Has Meyer ever put a RB in the NFL (Harvin does not count OBVZ)? I can't think of one off the top of my head.

The Iceman said...

Urban has a history of recruiting questionable guys (I don't give a shit but some people care about "morals" instead of winning for some reason)

Remember all that bitching you did when Tressel was fired? Remember how Tressel recruited shit heads that have given your "storied program" a gigantic black eye? Remember how the NCAA will be breathing down OSU's neck for eternity waiting for someone to fuck up in the smallest way? Yeah...that's why people care about "morals".

Anonymous said...

According to Urlacher, Urban put Tebow in the draft. He is a decent RB.

On a side note I just arrived in Toledo for the holidays. I will attempt to snag a fleshlight.

Ide

Brady said...

Bottom line is that Urban's a way better recruiter than 95% of the coaches out there and I'm excited to see the talent he can bring in. Ice, I was never one to gloat or stand on my soapbox about Ohio St. and its' morals before this shitstorm hit. I really don't care how they win... just fucking win.

On a seperate note, I have to agree with G$ and his disbelief at his wife's Christmas guessing game. My wife does the same thing every year. Just tell me what you want so everyone can be happy on the 25th. We aren't fucking 8 years old anymore. This Christmas game o' chance is insanity at it's highest level.

Anonymous said...

No,Iceman, he's the guy that wanted to be a Buckeye all along but with the troubles of the program in the last year had 2nd thoughts as any rational human would. Then once Urban came on board he dumped the ugly chick he was with (insert your joke about my sex life here) and went back to his first love. Not hard to figure out.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Best of luck in your scavenger hunt for masturbatory glory, Ide!

Anyone else miss Drew today? Thought so.

GMoney said...

Not saying that this applies for everyone but I've noticed that alums of schools care about the perception of the school more than those that don't hold a diploma from that college. Like some sort of "represent us well" vs. "who cares, just win" debate.

Me, personally, would never subscribe to the "just win baby" approach. I have a hard time rooting for criminals or assholes.

The Iceman said...

Yeah Damman...he lacks committment. He's the type of player who is looking for the bigger better deal at all times. That's why he'll be transferring in 2 years.

Oh yeah...fat girls.

Anonymous said...

I don't think it gets any better than Urban Meyer and Ohio State, does it? That's pretty much the cream of the crop. I think he'll be prety content.

-Damman