Friday, December 30, 2011

The 2011 Money Shot Man Of The Year

The end of the year is nigh so we must reflect on 2011 and figure out who was truly the greatest man of the year. It took me awhile to shrink the talent pool down to 7 living (and 1 dead) finalists, but I am confident that we have the right men and we will honor them like the titans that they are. Who will join last year's co-winners of Corey Wootton and Arthur Moats? No more setup, let's get to the nominees:
Macho Man Randy Savage - RIP Macho...it took your tragic death to remind everyone of how awesome you truly were. The fact that your father set a world record for sit-ups while Nazi prisoners held his feet down only made you even more badass. Dig it. Dig it indeed. May you spend all of eternity banging the also deceased Miss Elizabeth.
Dirk Nowitzki - Speaking of Nazis, thank you for vanquishing the Miami Heat in June, Dirk. You will always hold a special place in my cold, black heart for delaying what should be an inevitable.
Mike Judge - Bringing Beavis and Butthead back was possibly the greatest decision in TV history. The show has not lost a step. I will never stop laughing at Butthead saying something followed by Beavis remembering it with an "Oh yeah". Simple and hilarious. MTV is sneakily becoming a decent network again.
Gus Johnson - 2011 was his last year for calling March Madness AND the NFL. So sad. But he was glorious on the Big Ten Title Game call and it would be a crime if I failed to nominate Gus this year. HE KNOCKED OFF HIS 'DO RAG!
John Surma - It was not the most enviable job in the world to take that first press conference at Penn State after the Sandusky/Paterno shit broke. But the CEO of US Steel just fucking dominated that bitch. He was direct with his answers, he pulled no punches, he didn't sugarcoat, and he sort of treated the stupid media members there like the shit that they are. If this guy somehow became the next coach at Penn State, they would be my favorite team.
Terry Francona - I bet this a surprise to see. I respect Tito for taking the blame for the Red Sox collapse and I respect him even more for quietly dealing with the obvious smear campaign that ownership labeled him on the way out. Yeah, Tito's addicted to drugs. Sure thing, chach. Francona, who proved to be quite good as a commentator for Fox during the playoffs, now slides into Bobby V's spot on the ESPN Sunday Night telecast. Good for Tito.
Shane Walsh - Most deranged guy on TV? I think that he's up there with Gary Busey. He went from protecting his best friend's family after the zombie apocalypse to a genocidal, sex-crazed, glass half empty serial killer. It was outstanding. I can't wait for what he has in store next. I'm guessing that he gives Lori an abortion with his fist.

THE WINNER OF THE 2011 MONEY SHOT MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD IS:

Steve Shubin - Who? Oh, he's no one of importance...just the INVENTOR OF THE FLESHLIGHT. I wonder how he thought of this actually. Was he just sitting around one day watching softcore porn and said "Man, I would really like to stick my dick in that flashlight." Actually, if you watch the video (and you mos def should), dude is a genius.  I would love to live in "the house that fleshlight built".

As Ice Cube once proudly stated: Bow down to a (n-word) that's greater than you. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that Steve Shubin is, without question, greater than us. And thus, he is the 2011 Money Shot Man of the Year.

23 comments:

Grumpy said...

Outstanding!

GMoney said...

While I want Steve Shubin to have his day, I will drop some breaking site news later on this afternoon considering the future of this site.

Grumpy said...

That sounds ominous. I hate change.

Anonymous said...

Looks like a tough crowd today. Maybe the fleshlight craze of 2011 has run its course.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

That was an amazing YouTube. I'm so happy that that man is worth millions and millions of dollars.

I'm happy to say that I can name both of the girls that are featured in that youtube as well.

First one: Lisa Ann
Asian: Asa Akira

I hope Ape isn't coming back.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Run it's course? I think not. Everyone is just in awe at how bear-like Steve Shubin is.

Prime99 said...

Those are some damn excellent choices. I get why you wouldn't put two wrestlers on the list, but Million Dollar Man also seems deserving.

The inventor of the fleshlight was a great decision. Millions of dollars from that invention is hilarious and just.

I agree with your assessment of Beavis. His "oh yeah" always gets a laugh out of me.

The Iceman said...

The fleshlight is ELITE. It will never run its course.

I was pretty upset Shane didn't take home the award this year. Any man who leans back and tells a chick to "c'mon and get it" when rubbing the outside of his denim jeans boner in the middle of a zombie takeover is the champ in my book.

No Sam Hurd nomination?? His late run at the title with his federal drug arrest was pretty impressive.

Brady said...

I have to admit that I didn't have any idea what a fleshlight was until just now. Sure I saw you guys post about it but I was just too lazy to look it up. That's the beauty of message boards. I wasn't actually in the same room with you guys so we didn't have to share uncomfortable laughs and glances while I racked my brain trying to figure out what a fleshlight was.

Now that I have seen this wonderful Youtube video, I have seen the light (see what I did there). What a GREAT product. It combines convenience with a weird sexual fetish. USA! USA! Bravo good sir.

For what it's worth, my vote would've went to Gus Johnson. He has always been sweet but that Big Ten title game call was EPIC. I was sitting in the sports book at Mandalay Bay in Vegas during that game and the place was fucking electric. Grown men weeping for joy and agony all in one drunken clusterfuck of chaos. It was a sight I'll never forget. You had a big hand in that chaos Gus. Thanks buddy.

Anonymous said...

Great choices! Long story short, last night I happened by the garden and they had the ENTIRE Fleshlight collection. It was glorious. Just one hitch: They were $85!

Ide

The Iceman said...

I would have loved to have been in Vegas last night at the end of the Baylor/Washington game. To see the euphoric highs and tragic lows of Baylor beating the spread in the last 2 minutes of the game would have been quite the scene.

GMoney said...

What's The Garden? Can you plant seeds and fleshlights grow from the Earth? You would have to impregnate the ground though, I imagine. Nothing wrong with that. A hole's a hole.

I am intrigued by your idea and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Breaking news to be broken after I get back from lunch today. Hold your butts...it's a doozy.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't think of a more fitting person to win the award. His life is so much better than ours and it's not even close. I wonder if he gets to test drive the models before they get their insides sculpted? Someone has to do it.

I get a feelin g$ will be ordering the gay version.

Its not a tough crowd today, Damman. I didn't wake up till noon today, so I apologize for the delay. Breaks from work with nothing to do are fantastic.

Dut

The Iceman said...

Dut didn't wake up until noon because he was up until 5AM watching Japanamation porno.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes you gotta switch it up, Iceman!

Dut

Brady said...

I'm tired of holding my butt (or am I?) waiting for this breaking news. Did G$ travel across state for this lunch or what?

GMoney said...

***BREAKING NEWS***

The Money Shot lockout is over. It took a painlessly short time to iron out the details, but I, the owner and creator of this terrible site, am happy to announce that The Iceman has resigned with the company for an undetermined time period at no finanacial cost whatsoever. What was initially thought as just a college football poster has now morphed into "weekly conrtibutor" status. I'm sure that Grumpy is pumped.

Iceman seems to be embracing and loving his role as Tuesday writer and I want no part of the 5 day work week so this was a perfect fit.

Again, America's least publicized or cared about lockout is over. Iceman 4 Life.

Anonymous said...

Easily the most irrelevant display of faggotry ever to grace the internet.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Alright! I got a promotion at work and at the Money Shot all in the same day. I don't know which news is better.......probably the Money Shot upgrade.

Grumpy said...

Rumor has it that Iceman settled for a fleshlight sculpted from G$'s ass.

Anonymous said...

"Rumor has it that Iceman settled for a fleshlight sculpted from G$'s ass."

That might be the greatest post in the history of these comments..

Brady said...

THAT was the news. I suppose there will be more opportunites to break down, cautiously rebuild and then finally destroy the Iceman's confidence with my witty banter.

I can't wait for more "Ohio" statments (easily the gayest attempt to copy Woody Hayes), off the cuff NBA references and baseball bashing during the summer. But seriously Iceman, congrats on your promotion here at the Money Shot. Don't let it go to your head though. I want just as many rude and crude metaphors/analogies that currently reside in your writing.

The Iceman said...

I can't wait for my "no one cares about baseball" posts.