Thursday, November 03, 2011

You Wonder Why They Call You Bitch

INVISIBLE TORTURE RACK!!!
Admit it.  The Tupac reference in the title has you mildly intrigued...

He has been called many names in the one year that he’s been relevant. The White Rhino. The Skoal Bandit. The Vanilla Gorilla. Madden Cover Boy. Uneducated Hayseed. Fumbling Machine. And all of those monikers seem fitting. But in 2011, there is only one word that should pop into your head whenever you think of #40 for the Cleveland Browns: GASH. Peyton Hillis is a dripping, yet somehow still dusty, GASH.  A Touchdown Tommy Var-GASH.

Look, I don’t think that anyone expected Hillis to do in 2011 what he did for 60% of 2010. But THIS? THIS was not what anyone had in mind. We get it, he wants to get paid. But if a guy who was traded for Brady Quinn truly wanted his money, wouldn’t an actual holdout make more sense than what he’s doing now? Why would the Browns pay a guy who doesn’t want to play? Makes no sense. Personally, I think it’s hilarious that the Browns offered him a 3 yr/14 mill extension with only 3 million guaranteed yesterday (when he wants an ungodly TEN mill per year). That makes me smile. Shitty people deserve shitty offers.

But let’s not overstate the fact that this is quite possibly one of the worst contract years of all time. He missed a game for strep throat. OK, I can buy that. Yet his agent comes out of the closet to profess that it was HIS decision for Hillis not to play. That right there is step one for getting your fans to turn on you; when your agent tells the world that he’s calling the shots. Then it’s fairly evident that he is not the same player that he was 6 months prior. It’s almost like he aged five years during the lockout. Then he tweaks his hamstring and misses a game. Again, totally understandable. He looks set to go last week but does “something” to “re-injure” that hammy and sits once again. And now he’s questionable…AGAIN. Oh, and he was hosting some sort of Halloween charity thing for poor people or something with LeCharles Bentley and then didn’t even show up. WHAT A GUY!

On the contrary, look at Matt Forte. He is killing himself to get paid. He is literally putting an average Bears team on his back and negating the semen-drenched play-calling of Mike Martz. Don’t kid yourself, the Bears are a one win team if Forte sat out for strep throat or some other fake illness. He doesn’t want to be lumped in with Chris Johnson (or Hillis). Forte, who I always felt was a bit overrated, is telling G$ to shove both of my fists up my dickhole. THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT, Peyton Hillis. No one is going to pay a one year wonder. Not even an organization as terrible and fundamentally flawed as the Browns.

Stupid people tend to worry and opine about dumb shit like “The Madden Curse”. It is a tad ironic that the cover boy has a tendency to get hurt that same year. But does it count when the cover boy Madden Curses himself? The cover of a video game doesn’t just make you into an undesirable slopbox. It can shred your knees apparently, yet it has never turned a human 18 wheeler into a pre-pubescent girl.

Again, I applaud the Browns for treating him like common street trash. He really isn’t that good and isn’t the type of player that you want to commit anything to anyway. Even if he folds up his labia and shows up this Sunday, he is still going to be splitting carries with Mr. Africa Chris Ogbonnaya (WHO?). What a fag.  Or you be smart like Demetrius and seriously say that Josh Cribbs should be the starting RB in Cleveland.  Demetrius should be murdered.

The point of today’s post was just to illustrate how big of a kooka Peyton Hillis is being. He’s making Sidney Crosby and Justin Morneau look like The Legion of Doom. He doesn’t deserve to get paid and he shouldn’t get paid…unless he comes back with a force to help The Million Dollar Men win the MSFL. Then, and only then, will he earn the riches that he seeks. I’m tired of having to play Roy Helu, Jr. instead of a guy who is supposed to be a top ten RB.

By the way, enjoy tonight’s MAC telecast of YOUR beloved RedHawks straight shitting on the Zips. You can always try to count the fans in attendance. My early prediction is 1,033. And tomorrow, we preview THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOTBALL GAME IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.

17 comments:

Grumpy said...

I just admire your ability to write a whole post based on this piece of shit.

Who is Tupac?

GMoney said...

Thanks?

The Bobcats winning last night was fairly huge for Miami to make another run at the East. And OU's students ran on the field after beating a 5-4 Temple team. Tards.

Justin Morneau said...

Hey! Leave me and my scrambled brain out of th......wait. Where am I?!

/pukes

Anonymous said...

I want to see you shove your fists up your dickhole too!

Really liked the Sidney/Morneau Legion of Doom reference.

Agree with everything you said about Hillis. Fuck him.

I can't wait for the OSU/Indiana game preview tomorrow!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Really liked the Sidney/Morneau Legion of Doom reference.

I honestly think that that is one of the best sentences that I've ever written. I laughed for a minute or so after reading it the first time. WHAT A RUSH!!!

I've been breaking down film on Kevin Wilson's offense for DAYS. It's going to be the most in depth Hoosier preview of all time.

The Iceman said...

Maybe it's Arkansas' fault Hillis can't stay on the field. Look at the team he came from

McFadden - Puss.
Hillis - Bitch.
Felix Jones - Super Bitch.

Inbreeding makes the bone structure weak.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...you left out Arkansas RB Knile Davis that was thought of in pre-season as the second best RB in the SEC and then he desroyed his ankle in August which caused him to miss this whole season.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

The LoD reference was ELITE.

I completely agree with the bulk of the article. Hillis is losing himself money/leverage while Forte is earning future money and fan support.

The Iceman said...

Yeah...that guy too, Drew.

The Iceman said...

Not a very popular post today.

y u no like Peyton Hillis?

GMoney said...

Browns talk = boring...I should have known better.

They did cut Brian Robiskie earlier this week. WHAT A TERRIBLE PLAYER.

Coming off an excellent Money Shot Night with the Clippers and Ted DiBiase this past summer, is anyone interested in doing another Money Shot Night with the CBJ at some point this winter? I'll try to get Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart to show up but I think he's in jail for oxycontin. The defending champ Bruin are in town on Sat 12/10...good be a nice chance to jump some Massholes.

Anonymous said...

I would definitely be interested in attending the next Money Shot night, provided that Ace drives me home later in the evening (drunk or sober).

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I'm definitely in for Money Shot night.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Maybe we could get recognized on the JumboTron during the game! Do the Jackets have a "Flesh Light Night"???

The Iceman said...

I hate hockey...but I would go. Just for the opportunity to vagina check Dut.

Anonymous said...

Count me in Mr. Belding. I say we pony up and get a box, they're reasonably cheap if we have enough people, and the booze more than makes up for the cost.

Ide

GMoney said...

Define "reasonably cheap"? Because if Li'l Poopson still knows his dude, we could get on the glass for like 25 bucks each. I don't know if he still has that connection though.