|INVISIBLE TORTURE RACK!!!|
He has been called many names in the one year that he’s been relevant. The White Rhino. The Skoal Bandit. The Vanilla Gorilla. Madden Cover Boy. Uneducated Hayseed. Fumbling Machine. And all of those monikers seem fitting. But in 2011, there is only one word that should pop into your head whenever you think of #40 for the Cleveland Browns: GASH. Peyton Hillis is a dripping, yet somehow still dusty, GASH. A Touchdown Tommy Var-GASH.
Look, I don’t think that anyone expected Hillis to do in 2011 what he did for 60% of 2010. But THIS? THIS was not what anyone had in mind. We get it, he wants to get paid. But if a guy who was traded for Brady Quinn truly wanted his money, wouldn’t an actual holdout make more sense than what he’s doing now? Why would the Browns pay a guy who doesn’t want to play? Makes no sense. Personally, I think it’s hilarious that the Browns offered him a 3 yr/14 mill extension with only 3 million guaranteed yesterday (when he wants an ungodly TEN mill per year). That makes me smile. Shitty people deserve shitty offers.
But let’s not overstate the fact that this is quite possibly one of the worst contract years of all time. He missed a game for strep throat. OK, I can buy that. Yet his agent comes out of the closet to profess that it was HIS decision for Hillis not to play. That right there is step one for getting your fans to turn on you; when your agent tells the world that he’s calling the shots. Then it’s fairly evident that he is not the same player that he was 6 months prior. It’s almost like he aged five years during the lockout. Then he tweaks his hamstring and misses a game. Again, totally understandable. He looks set to go last week but does “something” to “re-injure” that hammy and sits once again. And now he’s questionable…AGAIN. Oh, and he was hosting some sort of Halloween charity thing for poor people or something with LeCharles Bentley and then didn’t even show up. WHAT A GUY!
On the contrary, look at Matt Forte. He is killing himself to get paid. He is literally putting an average Bears team on his back and negating the semen-drenched play-calling of Mike Martz. Don’t kid yourself, the Bears are a one win team if Forte sat out for strep throat or some other fake illness. He doesn’t want to be lumped in with Chris Johnson (or Hillis). Forte, who I always felt was a bit overrated, is telling G$ to shove both of my fists up my dickhole. THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT, Peyton Hillis. No one is going to pay a one year wonder. Not even an organization as terrible and fundamentally flawed as the Browns.
Stupid people tend to worry and opine about dumb shit like “The Madden Curse”. It is a tad ironic that the cover boy has a tendency to get hurt that same year. But does it count when the cover boy Madden Curses himself? The cover of a video game doesn’t just make you into an undesirable slopbox. It can shred your knees apparently, yet it has never turned a human 18 wheeler into a pre-pubescent girl.
Again, I applaud the Browns for treating him like common street trash. He really isn’t that good and isn’t the type of player that you want to commit anything to anyway. Even if he folds up his labia and shows up this Sunday, he is still going to be splitting carries with Mr. Africa Chris Ogbonnaya (WHO?). What a fag. Or you be smart like Demetrius and seriously say that Josh Cribbs should be the starting RB in Cleveland. Demetrius should be murdered.
The point of today’s post was just to illustrate how big of a kooka Peyton Hillis is being. He’s making Sidney Crosby and Justin Morneau look like The Legion of Doom. He doesn’t deserve to get paid and he shouldn’t get paid…unless he comes back with a force to help The Million Dollar Men win the MSFL. Then, and only then, will he earn the riches that he seeks. I’m tired of having to play Roy Helu, Jr. instead of a guy who is supposed to be a top ten RB.
By the way, enjoy tonight’s MAC telecast of YOUR beloved RedHawks straight shitting on the Zips. You can always try to count the fans in attendance. My early prediction is 1,033. And tomorrow, we preview THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOTBALL GAME IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.