Monday, November 28, 2011

The Worst Of Week Twelve Vol.V

Borderline acceptable but I'll allow it.
No witty openings this week because I need to get something off of my chest first...Yousodumbakong Suh is the biggest bag of dicks in the NFL.  I know that Drew and other Lions fans will try to anyway, but how can you possibly defend this guy?  It is now officially clear as day that he is the dirtiest player in the game (like Ric Flair!).  But Suh is also a hypocrite and a dumbass, too.  So he went out of his way to send himself to the principal's office a few weeks ago to find out why he kept getting fined.  OK, whatever, that was stupid.  Yet I'm fairly certain that Ginger Goodell didn't say that it was OK to go all Fat Albert Haynesworth on the dude blocking him.  It's pretty obvious to me that Suh can't control himself on the field.

And please, bitch, don't you fucking dare tell the world that you were trying to brace your fall or some shit.  NO ONE is buying that.  We're you falling down while you kept trying to imbued a Packer's face into the turf multiple times?  Or when you were attempting to perform an appendectomy on that same guy with your shoes (a bold strategy indeed)?  Look, you're a smart guy.  You sound really intelligent in all of your interviews.  But the reality is that Ndamukong Suh is a cheap-shotting twat.  Period.  I'm getting sick and fucking tired of hearing announcers talk about how the Lions are trying to show the world that they won't be bullied anymore or some other braindead horse manure.  No, they just aren't a smart team.  They are just a bunch of faux-bullies that don't know how to intimidate within the guidelines of the rule book (like say the Steelers and Ravens do).  Thursday was supposed to be a coming-out party for the Lions and instead they came across as even more embarrassing than the team that finished 0-16.

Albert Haynesworth got 5 games off for stomping on the neck of Andre Gurode.  I hope that Suh gets the same punishment.  A guy that is compared to Reggie White shouldn't have to resort to such cunty behavior.  And I am absolutely not overreacting to this.  On to the rest of the week:

Matthew Stafford - Ironically, I didn't get any stupid text messages from Drew on Thursday.  I guess the gloves weren't magical after all.  Eat a dick.  Although I will admit that I was not aware of his broken finger (shocked that he didn't put himself on IR over that non-injury).  So I'll give Bubba a bit of a pass but not those that defend him.

Kevin Smith - That was an awesome 5 quarter comeback before he did what he does best...getting hurt while doing nothing.  Speaking of Kevin Smiths, Dogma was a shit movie.

Rob Ryan - We get it, he's some sort of weirdo photogenic disgusting man-blob.  But he is a defensive coordinator.  STOP SHOWING HIM ON TV.

Dallas? - I swear to Christ that this is a bad team that is skating by on dumb luck.  Needing a FG at the gun to beat Matt Moore?  Two wins over the Skins by a total of 5 points?  I haven't made a wager yet this year but when the Cowboys win the East and host a playoff game on Wild Card weekend, I will be dumping my life savings (42 bucks!) on whoever the Cowboys play.

Harbaugh Bowl - I didn't watch any of this because FagNasty doesn't get the NFL Network.  Doesn't look like I missed much unless I'm somehow related to Billy Cundiff (which I am not).  Ray Lewis:  still gay.

The University of Akron - Prepare yourselves because this is pretty awful.  Akron fired head football coach Rob Ianello on Saturday over the phone...while Ianello was driving to this mother's funeral.  That is totes weak sauce.

Bengals Fans - Come the fuck on...what's it going to take to get you people into that stadium.  I know that Mike Brown and family are greedy fuckers, but that isn't Marvin or Ginger or AJ's fault.  Embarrassing to see that many empty seats.

Peyton Hillis - Welcome back, cracker-ass bitch.  You're still worthless.

Phil Dawson - You blow.  Go eat your boogers.

Michael Turner - I say this all the time but "Burner" might as well change his last name to Molina.  He's by far the slowest player in the league.  I'd bet that Haynesworth could beat him in a race.

Tampa Bay and Tennessee - Just an awful, awful game.

Commenter Papa Lange - That genius dumped Reggie Wayne in both the DFL and MSFL this past week.  Who picked him up in both and watched him be ELITE yesterday...THIS GUY.  You suck, Pops!

Steve Smiff and Cam Juice - Where did you go?  Oh, you mean I might just have been 100% right when I said that they would taper off?  Thought so.

Beanie Wells' Family - I mean, seriously, WHO DRINKS SODA?  I wish that someone would call Cowherd out for that, I don't care if he did say it 3+ years ago.

Stevie Johnson's hands but NOT his touchdown dance - So what if he lost yet another game because he dropped a touchdown in the final minute, did you see that celebration!!!  I loved it!  He'll probably get a hefty fine for mock shooting himself in the leg and that's bullshit.  Since when was it wrong to make fun of a guy that shot himself?  FINGA GUNZ!!!

Matt Leinart - That was one glorious quarter and a half of his comeback, wasn't it?  Jesus, I'm starting to feel bad for the Texans.  TJ Yates and Kellen Clemens?  You know what they should do is just have Ben Tate and Foster run the wildcat for half the game.

Terry Bradshaw - I watch the Fox pregame show (because I like to feel smart) and EVERY week, when they do their picks, ol' TB never remembers who he picked to win.  This will never stop be amusing to me.  He only has to pick FOUR winners and he is so inbred that he can't.  Hilarious.

Graham Gano - Still the worst kicker of all time.  Fortunately, he has a Cannon fueled by Sex on his team.  Stupid Redskins winning meaningless games...

DREAM TEAM!!! - They are 4-7 now.  Mr. Ace is terrible at rooting for good professional football teams.

Everyone but Janikowski and Gould - I still think that both the Raiders and Bears are good teams.  Cutler be damned.  It would be nice if DMac took the stitches out of his gash though.

Marmalard - How the fuck can the Chargers be 4-7?  This just in:  TEBOW RULES!

My In-Laws - Remember what happened a week and a half ago?  Sure you do.  Guess who made the drive back North yesterday?  Yep.  Guess who got into town at 7 last night and asked us to go out to dinner with them even though we JUST ate?  Yep.  Guess who asked during dinner (while I'm just sitting there watching them eat) if they could stay the night?  Yep and my reply was a Tim Allen-esque grunt.  Guess who stayed the night last night for the 4th time in 11 days while they live a short 2.25 hours away?  Yep.  Guess who would have been home by 10:30 last night if they just decided to STOP BOTHERING ME?  Goddamn right.  I'm sick of this.  The wife is avoiding me because she knows that I'm ready to blow.  This is so fucking frustrating.  I can't believe that normal people would behave this way.  It sort of ruins the fact that I have wrapped up my division in the DFL and MSFL.  Family sucks.

To wrap things up this week, yesterday was 4 years since Sean Taylor was murdered by a bunch of beaners in his own home.  21 will always be one of my favorite football players ever.  Play on, playa.

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

RIP Sean Taylor. Stevie Johnson's celebration was priceless I'm sure ole Goodell will dig down in his bag of gold to dish out some sort of worthless fine. I feel your pain for the in-laws, mine have been here for 8 days and it's time to give them the boot. The best part is that I live in Italy, they don't speak a damn word of italian so they ask me to translate every stupid word they see and they're worthless vegans, going back to work today never felt so good.

-Dave

Grumpy said...

Who's Dave?

The Iceman said...

That was an awesome 5 quarter comeback before he did what he does best...getting hurt while doing nothing.

This might be the best sentence you've ever written.

McFadden is King of the Pussies.

Ide needs 25 from knuckle dragger Jacobs to beat me in the MSFL. Add Ide to your list for losing to my rags.

Prime wins best Tweet of the day.

"Suh is more dirty than Chad Kroeger's facial hair."

Well done.

Anonymous said...

Sean Taylor died by being shot in the dick. Almost as funny as Clarett buttfucking him during the Championship. Almost.

Way to lock up the DFL division on a glorious loss.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Sean Taylor died by being shot in the dick. Almost as funny as Clarett buttfucking him during the Championship. Almost.

Way to lock up the DFL division on a glorious loss.

Ide

GMoney said...

Way to double-comment...and I'm not out of it yet. In Breesus name we pray.

Ouch, Dave, vegans?

I shouldn't have to say this but I know that I do: save the Urban Meyer shit for a little while longer.

Zombie talk begins in the afternoon.

The Steelers are terrible.

Grumpy said...

They don't give points for style douchebag. A win is a win.

Anonymous said...

Uhh...yeah you are way overreacting if you think Suh putting his cleat on some dude's arm is the same as Haynesworth stomping a face. One game is all my boy should get.

I love Stevie Johnson.

I'm surprised that you didn't know Stafford was playing with a broken finger...hence the glove...they announced that the day after the Bears game.

Why was Caleb Hanie not on this list?

I Will save any discussions for later...but We Urban!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Hanie may have made the list if I had time to properly focus on the pm games and not watch older people eat broccoli. I apologize for that.

I am not overreacting about Suh. Thursday was just the climax for all of his dirtiness. He splooged it all over your face. ESPN says 2 games, I can live with that I guess. He's a piece of shit.

If they gave points for style, Rex Grossman would be undefeated.

Anonymous said...

Please keep starting wayne..... u will see why I dropped him with curtis painter at the helm. I am a Lions fan and have common sense and i will admit Suh is acting like a bitch.... if he would have came out and admitted it then he would just be living up to the standards he has already set. All I know is anyone would want him on their team. Look out for the upset next week though, Lions 35- Saints 34.

Mr. Ace said...

Fucking Dream Team. At least I had Saturday.

Why the vegan hate. I'm not going to lie, I have switched to about an 80% vegan diet and dropped about 25 lbs. thanks to it. No dairy. Still have some meat, mostly fish. It's definitely the way to go...still won't turn down a good steak, though.

I really want to like Suh, but he is becoming a douche bag real quick.

The Iceman said...

I think people would hate Suh less about this if he just manned up and admitted he lost his cool for a second. By denying he was doing anything malicious makes him a liar, a girl and a dumb faggot. We're not stupid. We saw the replays you fuckin ape.

How was lunch with the creator of the wing-t offense, G$? That happened this week, right?

Prime99 said...

I think Subway makes the list. They sponsored Suh all week saying they were going to do something special in the Detroit area if the Lions won. Instead Suh gets ejected for some dirty ass shit. Sponsorship dollars at work!

If anything, the Raiders should be fucking worried. The Bears lost by 5 while their QB was complete dog shit. My blood was boiling watching my team get Hanied yesterday.

Nickelback is still the worst.

Anonymous said...

Suh is a boss. Wish he didn't go crazy there for a second with the stomp...as it's gonna hurt to not have him for a couple games...but anyone here wants him on their team.

Ape...that's impressive that you've successfully gone sort of vegan.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I can't believe no one has mentioned anything about Novak draining the lizard on the sideline yesterday. I would think that's kinda, sorta illegal, right??

MUdawgfan said...

I'd like to add to the worst people list: People who use the word "totes"

GMoney said...

No wonder I fired Ape. Vegans are not welcome here.

I'm pretty sure that the Redskins would have no use for Suh. They seem to be doing juuuuuuust fine without him.

That lunch never happened. It was not actually scheduled, just proposed. As a punishment for how I've been disrespected recently, they can expect a hefty upper decker come Christmas morning. Look what Santa brought you this year...

Fuck it, let's go...that was TOTES a badass final segment last night. Zombie firing squad? Yes please. At least the Sophia story is wrapped up (in a satisfying way!).

"Criminally Insane Shane" better watch himself or he's going to wind up being the 2011 Money Shot Man of the Year.

T-Dawg actually had a line of dialogue last night!!!

Prime99 said...

It was unrealistic that T-Dawg didn't tip his gun sideways to shoot the oncoming zombies.

What fucking assholes to not tell Rick's crew that the little girl was in the barn! "We are going out to look for Sophia (again.)" Hershel replies, "alright, y'all come back now ya hear!"

That was a satisfying resolution/twist. Unlike Dexter which had a twist last night that's been obvious for about 7 weeks.

The Iceman said...

In Herschel Walker's defense, he was trying to keep the barn a secret...and he had no clue what Sophia looked like so for him to blow his own cover on a chance the walker he had in his barn was Sophia wasn't happening. Herschel has A+ racism going on.

I like Shane more and more as every week goes on. Love how he dared pussy Dale to shoot him and knew he wouldn't because deep down Dale knows Shane is their only chance to survive. He's the only one with the balls to do what needs to be done.

It's settled. Farm skank has a huge mom ass and needs to find better jeans.

Carl is going to be an even bigger pussy than his dad. And maybe gay to boot. FACT.

Thank fucking God we don't have to endure anymore Sophia search and rescue missions. Now trailer trash punching bag can go make dirty hillbilly sex with the Boondock Saints guy.

Prime99 said...

Shane's the only one with the balls to do what needs to be done... Except put a bullet in Sophia's head. Rick had to take card of that.

Anonymous said...

Urban is cumming!!!!!

5:15 presser. Get your dick in your hand ready.

--Drew

GMoney said...

That was the worst kept secret in sports other than Roberto Alomar having AIDS. Now knock it off until Iceman can ruminate on the topic.

Mr. Ace said...

Just watched Walking Dead on DVR...probably the best episode ever. Shane is the Ndamukong Suh of the zombie world. He has no remorse and gives no fucks about anybody else. Man of the year indeed.

The Iceman said...

I'm shocked Lori took Rick's balls out of her purse long enough for Rick to take that shot. Now that he killed the reason his son was shot to begin with maybe now Rick will stop being such a gash.

GMoney said...

Rick will never stop being a gash.

I was LOLing my ass off when those idiots were leading the zombies with glorified nooses. That was hilarious. Again, HOW WOULD THEY GET THEM IN THE FUCKING BARN!!!

I want to see Shane at the Urban Meyer press conference tonight. Take care of all that nonsense.

The Iceman said...

I would think they probably create a diversion...like throw more chickens with broken legs in there...or use the Asian as bait like usual.

Anonymous said...

That episode kicked ass and im glad they kill kids.

More importantly and bothersome is this 80% vegan thing. What in the holy fuck is this faggotry? You lost weight? Nice, next time instead of gay tofu use grilled chicken. Its manlier and NOT a factor of bitch tits. A high protein/high cardio routine will shed pounds faster than veganism sheds heterosexuality. Im appalled.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Ide, Meat and Dairy protein increase your chances of developing cancer exponentially, increase cholesterol and are not necessary in any diet, especially the whey and casein protein featured in most protein shakes. I didn't change the diet to lose weight, I could have just ate nothing but meat if that were the case.

And have you ever tried soy milk? Holy fuck is it delicious. It's like putting a milkshake on your cereal in the morning...and it's better for you.

Winner.

Anonymous said...

Soy milk is terrible and a bountiful source of estrogen (see bitch tit tofu comment). Red meat produces cholesterol and cancer unless you're Ron Swanson or straight. No excuse for not eating chicken, deer, duck, and buffalo. Also, there is little wrong with eating flank steak either.

Heart disease and cancer > AIDS. Fact.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Chicken, deer, buffalo and whatever other meat you can come up with all have cholesterol. I still eat meat, which is where the other 20% comes in. Mostly fish, some chicken.

I had gone pretty strict on only having plant based foods for about a week and forgot that I had a Groupon to Montgomery Inn. So I got the sampler and ate nothing but meat essentially. I had a fucking meat hangover the next morning. Felt like I drank a bottle of Cuervo. Not sure if it's because my body is a vagina temple now or because Montgomery Inn is horrible for you and meat isn't meant to be consumed like that...probably both.

And I had my bitch tits long before soy milk.