Monday, November 14, 2011

The Worst Of Week Ten Vol.V

And you might get to sit by them...
Before I get into how bad the Lions are and the rest of the NFL from yesterday, I would first like to give you a piece of advice:  Never throw away your college ID.  It doesn't matter how old it is or how decrepit you are, keep that sumbitch.  Why?  Because there are always discounts for students and you should be receiving those discounts.  Case in point: the Blue Jackets charge a goddamn fortune to attend one of their games.  They are the worst team in the NHL by far so it doesn't really make sense to pay $100 to sit in the lower bowl.  The team doesn't advertise it at all, but if you ask the ticket people for a student fee and present them with an ID, BAM, $25 for lower bowl seats and $15 for upper deckers.  I will now never stop taking advantage of this secret deal.  I thought that the only time that I would ever use my old college ID was for the movies and strip clubs.  Oh how I was wrong.  They probably student discounts everywhere.  You just have to ask.  Keep in mind, these places are openly trying to fuck you in the butt and wallet.  There is nothing wrong with getting a little bit even.  A $15 ticket sure does make a $9 beer more tasty.

By the way, I absolutely hate Thursday night football.  It's a waste of time.  Fuck the NFL Network.  And why were there no teams on byes this week?  4 teams are off next week.  That makes no sense.  I think someone told me at Trivia Night that it had to do with Roger Goodell having repairs done to his sex dungeon this week.  I'm not really sure how that relates at all though.  On to the action from Week 10:

Philip Rivers - No "superstar" QB has ever played worse.  Ever.  How has Norv Turner not been fired yet?

Mike Smiff - The fuck?  Who goes for it on 4th and inches from your own 29 in overtime?  If you don't get it, the game is totes over!  And they didn't get it and it was over!  That was dumber than shit.  Here's another thing, any time that you only need a few inches, QUARTERBACK SNEAK is the only play.  Dumbasses.

Those that dislike the Bungholios - The Bengals aren't good enough to be discounting moral victories, so they should accept this one.  Cincy played the Steelers damn tough.  You've really got to like what the Bingles are doing and how they're playing this season.  And, you know, fuck Ocho Cinco.

Browns LULZZZZ - What a terrible team.  They were trying to win their second game this year with just Phil Dawson's foot and, instead, decided to piss it away with a classic LACES OUT moment.  Brian Pontbriand gained fame this past week in the awesome Factory Of Sadness video and he rewarded that guy by hitting a 12 hopper back to the holder.  Awesome.  Way to lose at home to the Rams, losers.

Ryan Fitzpatrick - Maybe they shouldn't have backed the BRINKS truck up to his house yet.  It seems like Chan The Man's offense just doesn't work against those savage Ryan boys.

People that think that DeMarco Murray is elite - Let's not crown this guy until he does something against a defense that doesn't belong to the Rams, Seahawks, or Bills. 

Curtis Painter - So bad.  (horn, horn) BOILER UP!!!

Todd Haley - The Chiefs are a weird team.  I don't like weird teams that are hard to figure out.  When in doubt, root for someone to lose their job.  By the way, I realize that Tebow only completed 2 heavenly passes but his touchdown to white guy from Minnesota was beautiful.  Tim Tebow = Elite.

Rex Grossman - I was so happy to wake up on Sunday to see that EL SEX CANNON was back as the starter.  Really made my crippling hangover seem worth the pain.  And Rex (Mickey Rourke's favorite QB apparently) was LOL.  His interceptions were just gorgeous fecal bombs.  No more Beck, please, if we're going to continue to lose, keep it funny with Rex.

Mike Shanahan - WHY THE FUCK WAS RYAN TORAIN BACK THIS WEEK, FUCKO?  I hate it when Shanny does this crap.  Roy Helu was the shit last week and in Miami, one touch in the first half so that Torain could average less than 2 yards per carry.  Shanahan is shit.

DREAM TEAM!!! - These guys are awful.  Fire Andy Reid.  I guess I'm trying to say that giving Mike Vick 100 million dollars might not have been a good idea.  The Eagles are a disgrace.

DeSean Jackson - Buy a fucking clock that works, fart face.  One of the year's biggest disappointments must have been confused by the separate knob.

People waiting on the Texans to fold - It ain't happening this year.  Houston is going to end up getting the one seed.  They are legit and are about to get one of the best players in the league back.

Cam Newton - UH OH!  Dude has a tired arm and is starting to get exposed.  I hate to break it to you, but Cam is not going to lead any team to fantasy glory.  I am looking right at you, Dut.

DJ Moore and Nick Fairley - Don't do that, you faggots.  That's dirty pool and totes unnecessary.  It's not like you're going to get away with cheap-shotting a QB.

Matthew Stafford - Hot garbage...possibly the worst game that a quarterback has played this season.  Ol' 12 chins clearly used his bye week well.  2 pick sixes is Rivers-bad.  I don't really know what to think about this game.  Are the Lions fading?  Are the Bears a legit Super Bowl contender?  Is Jay Cutler actually (gulp) good?  I'm starting to think that the answer to all three is yes.

Jim Schwartz - WHY ARE YOU KICKING TO DEVIN HESTER!!!

Carlos Rogers - Thanks a lot, asshole.  He has about 20 interceptions for the Niners this year and he couldn't catch shit in Washington for seven years.  I hate it when guys leave your team and then are awesome.  Good game between the Giants and Frisco though.

The Ravens - Fuck you guys.  Seriously.  Every time you have an impressive win, you follow it up with a loss to the Jaguars or the Seahawks.  I will never buy into these losers.

That's it.  It was not a good fantasy week for me (it appears).  I hate it when that happens.  I'm going to focus the rest of the day on tomorrow's BOILERING UP.

40 comments:

Grumpy said...

I still have my college ID. Think it will work?

Grumpy said...

Just so everyone knows, because he's not going to bring it up, unless Aaron Rogers puts up about 500 pts. tonight, the old guy thumped G$ in the MSFL.

How's that Browns defense look now, dickhead?

GMoney said...

Did they do anything? I would think that Denarius goddamn Moore, Ray Ray, and CJ400 had more to do with it. McGahee getting hurt in the first quarter and Helu getting skull-fucked for no reason really hurt. I think I need between 60-70 from Rodgers tonight...DO WERK, AARON!!! Since Fagnasty lost as well, this week meant very little to The Million Dollar Men.

I beat Drew in the G$FL and my old man in another league so that was nice. I've got a 20 points lead on Damman in the DFL and he has Jennings left but I'm not too concerned because Rob Gronk is ELITE.

But I do think your college ID will still work. They are ticket people, not the Feds. Old people go back to college all the time.

Grumpy said...

The Browns defense weren't ELITE, but they were better than your putting the Ravens D in there.

The Iceman said...

In Pontbriand's defense (according to Damman so take that for what it's worth), the left guard stuck his leg into the path where the ball would be traveling thus producing the most hilarious game winning FG attempt of all time. I didn't see it from where I was sitting. All I could see was misery. Pontbriand is still ELITE.

Jim Schwartz moustache should have made this list. He looked like he was gonna be giving away puppies out of the back of his van after the game.

The Eagles are worse than the Browns. FACT.

Matthew Stafford doesn't take his shirt off when he goes swimming. DOUBLE FACT.

Anonymous said...

Iceman....hate to serve you this early in the morning, but Matthew Stafford most definitely takes his shirt off while swimming and I have photo evidence... http://beargoggleson.com/files/2009/09/matthew-stafford-girlfriend-dating-300x220.jpg

It's worth checking out just for the girls in bikinis that are with him.

I'm second in points in the G$FL and teams have scored more against me than any other team...which is why I'm about to drop to 4-6 and another reason fantasy football sucks.

That Lions game was depressing. I didn't think Fairley's hit was that dirty. At least Scam Newton is coming to town this weekend...that's a must win/should win and a bump up to a 7-3 record.

College ID's are definitely money savers. I still use mine quite a bit if I run into some student tickets for a Buckeye football game...muuuuuuch cheaper. I have used it for the Poo Jackets as well.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Your boyfriend is photoshopped in that picture.

Anonymous said...

G$,
I don't know how your ff team does it but you just might be a team of destiny. Totes on the comeback.

Am I concerned about the lions, yes. But when your dividing time between Maurice, Williams and Smith in the backfield your gonna have issues. My only question is why was stafford wearing those faggy qb gloves. Man the fuck up.

Tar heels began their run to the 'ship last friday.

---- Lange

MuDawgfan said...

I hate the god damn saints.

GMoney said...

Good point on the gloves, soon-to-be-Dad Lange. From what I could tell, it was like 50 degrees and dry in Chicago and there is Stafford, being a little bitch. You don't like to see that.

I would not be shocked if Jennings scores just enough for me to win by less than a point. That seems to be how this year is shaking out. I will win the DFL. I will win the MSFL. And I will not win the G$FL because I start Tony Romo and Jackie Battle yet am somehow 6-4.

Please no more shirtless Stafford links, thanks!

Grump, you're right about that. My Ravens defense must not have swallowed fistfuls of HGH yesterday like they do before every other game.

I saw a pic on FB yesterday from a Browns tailgate of a guy that looked EXACTLY like Jerry Sandusky. I LOL'ed.

GMoney said...

I hate the god damn saints.

That was beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Why the fuck am I on the banner? Did I do something on Friday night that I don't remember?

G$, do some research on the Browns before posting. Losing by just a bad snap is beneath them. They take it to the next level and do something that I have never seen on a football field.

Going aginst Bears D in G$FL definitely did not pay off yesterday


-Damman

GMoney said...

Ace forwarded me all the old banners and it's your turn in the rotation. Call it your punishment for losing to Purdue and pre-emptively talking shit about Denarius Moore on Thursday night.

Somehow, the Drew banner has been lost. That sucks.

Katzinger's Deli apparently gave Ide food poisoning on Saturday night. Katzinger's Deli is ELITE!

Prime99 said...

Drew- I'm hoping you enjoyed the Lions performance yesterday. Inept in every way. Highly Nickelback-esque.

If Brady could throw to someone else besides Gronkowski that would be great...

Anonymous said...

Prime...I did not enjoy that game. Unfortunately, performances like that/complete unravelings happen to young teams that are probs a season away from really reaching their full potential. Need to get back on track against Scam this Sunday in the D.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Nickelback should play every half time show of every Lions home game from now until the end of time.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Katzingers in their kosher ass. I had to eat Subway last night because I needed a lot of bread. Terrible weekend.

Ide

GMoney said...

You had to eat a lot of bread? Does bread soak up diarrhea? You're awful. You are the Subway of humans.

The Iceman said...

I had a mozzarella stick and meatball sandwich at Melt last night after the Browns game. I wanted a second sandwich so I could eat one and fuck the other.

Anonymous said...

I beleive the sandwich you are referring to Iceman is called The Dude Abides. And I agree, I would fuck that sandwich - it is amazing.

Seal

The Iceman said...

I see you're familiar, Seal. You must be from Cleveland. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to move a bed in there and sleep in the kitchen.

Anonymous said...

Iceman wants to Occupy a kitchen...what a bitch!

--Drew

GMoney said...

How are we 22 comments deep with no zombie talk yet?

I can't wait to find out why Colonel Sanders has a collection of barn zombies. My guess is that he's either trying to come up with a cure or he's heavily involved in the undead sex trade.

Dream Merle talks mad shit!

That little girl has now been lost in the zombie woods for like a year. Serial Killer Shane is right, it's time to fucking forget her.

Glenn the Asian (Glenn is the least Asian name ever by the way) asked a good questions though: Ever have sex in a hay loft? Can't say that I have. I bet that it sucks though because hay is uncomfortable and I have allergies.

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen it yet. It's next on my dvr. However, Dexter going off the deep end was a great episode. Hung, again, has been great all year.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Wtf is up with Andrea shooting Daryl? What a crying bitch! She needs to stop worrying about shooting guns and start worrying about how quickly the group is going to leave her as bait for the barn zombies... At least, that's what I would do.

Anonymous said...

NBA players to file for decertification. There pretty much goes the fucking season.

Fuck both sides.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I'm cheering for the owners. Nothing is funnier then watching these retarded players go broke. I'm placing the over/under of criminal arrests at 20.

Bet the over.

Ide

Prime99 said...

We should start the MSBA and hire only the most thuggish former NBA players. Rasheed is a player/coach for Dut's team GUARANSHEED.

GMoney said...

No one should feel bad for either side. Although if I was Billy Hunter, I wouldn't be parading assholes like D-Wade and Melo as the faces of the movement. These guys make 8 figures every year and are 100% unrelatable. I'd have BJ Mullens, Scalabrine, and Kosta Koufos out in front because they make nothing, need paychecks, and aren't black. The public probably respects that.

Prime, Andrea is awful but then again, Daryl was gimping around like a walker. I just love how that dumb bitch gets mad because Old Gilligan doesn't feel safe with her having a gun yet she proves him right by shooting the biggest badass in the group.

I was getting a hard-on last night when they were dumping napalm on Atlanta. SUCK ON THAT, JERMAINE DUPREE!

The Iceman said...

Undead sex trade for sure. No question. Also, no question that he hates Asians. I wonder how he's gonna feel when he finds out Data nailed his slutty daughter with a suprisingly huge mom-ass.

I'm really starting to like asshole Shane. He's the only one with the balls to say what everyone in the group is thinking. I would have given up days ago looking for that chick. The minute she ran into the woods alone is when she died in my opinion.

This is exactly why no one wanted Andrea to have a gun. And it's a great footnote to illustrate why women in general should never be able to operate fire arms.

How many more episodes before T-Dawg dies? They can't keep a black guy alive for that much longer, right?

Prime99 said...

Black guys in horror movies = expendable

Token black GUY = immortal

GMoney said...

I'll ask the question:

How the fuck does Herschel Walker corral the zombies into the barn exactly? The undead don't seem like a very cooperative bunch. Let's say that Otis roped 'em up and dragged them near the barn. Then what? He can't exactly open the door because the others will get out. Take them in via ladder? Fuck that noise. This is a massive plothole in a show riddled with plotholes.

Yet I love it. Barn skank wasn't nearly as sneaky attractive this week as she was last week. Probably due to the lack of sideboob and offer to go a second time with a math genius.

The Iceman said...

Any theory on the potential sin growing inside Laurie? I'm not convinced it's Shane's. A male whore like that seems like the guy who would get snipped so he can raw dog with blanks.

I would bet almost anything she gets Hersh to give her some kind of coat hanger abortion before he kicks them out of zombie heaven.

GMoney said...

Any theory on the potential sin growing inside Laurie?

Who gives a fuck? Since the dawn of time, a baby has never improved one TV show. Ever. They ALWAYS make things worse.

The Iceman said...

You're right. But in this situation there's no way in hell that baby happens. It will be aborted. And you can't tell me that abortion doesn't improve a TV show.

Anonymous said...

Abortion improved the Miami Hurricanes.

I like this "NBA Lockout Arrests" Idea. I say one day this week...G$ pulls the names of people that want to play in this game out of a hat. First name picked gets first pick...and so on. We then each draft three NBA players in a snake order draft that we think will get arrested while there is no season. Obviously a guy like Beasley will be picked with the quickness. Just a thought...but I guaransheed we would get a fwe right. Double points should be awarded if you pick a white player and he gets arrested as well....or force everyoen to pick one white player.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The only good idea Drew has ever had. I am im.

Seal

Prime99 said...

I'm in and rooting for/want to draft hometown DeMarcus Cousins!

Do we get extra points if we personally are on the police report?

Anonymous said...

No. That's tampering.

GMoney said...

Let me think about this...