|And you might get to sit by them...|
By the way, I absolutely hate Thursday night football. It's a waste of time. Fuck the NFL Network. And why were there no teams on byes this week? 4 teams are off next week. That makes no sense. I think someone told me at Trivia Night that it had to do with Roger Goodell having repairs done to his sex dungeon this week. I'm not really sure how that relates at all though. On to the action from Week 10:
Philip Rivers - No "superstar" QB has ever played worse. Ever. How has Norv Turner not been fired yet?
Mike Smiff - The fuck? Who goes for it on 4th and inches from your own 29 in overtime? If you don't get it, the game is totes over! And they didn't get it and it was over! That was dumber than shit. Here's another thing, any time that you only need a few inches, QUARTERBACK SNEAK is the only play. Dumbasses.
Those that dislike the Bungholios - The Bengals aren't good enough to be discounting moral victories, so they should accept this one. Cincy played the Steelers damn tough. You've really got to like what the Bingles are doing and how they're playing this season. And, you know, fuck Ocho Cinco.
Browns LULZZZZ - What a terrible team. They were trying to win their second game this year with just Phil Dawson's foot and, instead, decided to piss it away with a classic LACES OUT moment. Brian Pontbriand gained fame this past week in the awesome Factory Of Sadness video and he rewarded that guy by hitting a 12 hopper back to the holder. Awesome. Way to lose at home to the Rams, losers.
Ryan Fitzpatrick - Maybe they shouldn't have backed the BRINKS truck up to his house yet. It seems like Chan The Man's offense just doesn't work against those savage Ryan boys.
People that think that DeMarco Murray is elite - Let's not crown this guy until he does something against a defense that doesn't belong to the Rams, Seahawks, or Bills.
Curtis Painter - So bad. (horn, horn) BOILER UP!!!
Todd Haley - The Chiefs are a weird team. I don't like weird teams that are hard to figure out. When in doubt, root for someone to lose their job. By the way, I realize that Tebow only completed 2 heavenly passes but his touchdown to white guy from Minnesota was beautiful. Tim Tebow = Elite.
Rex Grossman - I was so happy to wake up on Sunday to see that EL SEX CANNON was back as the starter. Really made my crippling hangover seem worth the pain. And Rex (Mickey Rourke's favorite QB apparently) was LOL. His interceptions were just gorgeous fecal bombs. No more Beck, please, if we're going to continue to lose, keep it funny with Rex.
Mike Shanahan - WHY THE FUCK WAS RYAN TORAIN BACK THIS WEEK, FUCKO? I hate it when Shanny does this crap. Roy Helu was the shit last week and in Miami, one touch in the first half so that Torain could average less than 2 yards per carry. Shanahan is shit.
DREAM TEAM!!! - These guys are awful. Fire Andy Reid. I guess I'm trying to say that giving Mike Vick 100 million dollars might not have been a good idea. The Eagles are a disgrace.
DeSean Jackson - Buy a fucking clock that works, fart face. One of the year's biggest disappointments must have been confused by the separate knob.
People waiting on the Texans to fold - It ain't happening this year. Houston is going to end up getting the one seed. They are legit and are about to get one of the best players in the league back.
Cam Newton - UH OH! Dude has a tired arm and is starting to get exposed. I hate to break it to you, but Cam is not going to lead any team to fantasy glory. I am looking right at you, Dut.
DJ Moore and Nick Fairley - Don't do that, you faggots. That's dirty pool and totes unnecessary. It's not like you're going to get away with cheap-shotting a QB.
Matthew Stafford - Hot garbage...possibly the worst game that a quarterback has played this season. Ol' 12 chins clearly used his bye week well. 2 pick sixes is Rivers-bad. I don't really know what to think about this game. Are the Lions fading? Are the Bears a legit Super Bowl contender? Is Jay Cutler actually (gulp) good? I'm starting to think that the answer to all three is yes.
Jim Schwartz - WHY ARE YOU KICKING TO DEVIN HESTER!!!
Carlos Rogers - Thanks a lot, asshole. He has about 20 interceptions for the Niners this year and he couldn't catch shit in Washington for seven years. I hate it when guys leave your team and then are awesome. Good game between the Giants and Frisco though.
The Ravens - Fuck you guys. Seriously. Every time you have an impressive win, you follow it up with a loss to the Jaguars or the Seahawks. I will never buy into these losers.
That's it. It was not a good fantasy week for me (it appears). I hate it when that happens. I'm going to focus the rest of the day on tomorrow's BOILERING UP.