Monday, November 07, 2011

The Worst Of Week Nine Vol.V

COME TO PENN STAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!
I don't want to stomp on Iceman's toes because I want to believe that his entire post tomorrow will be dedicated to the hilarity of Jerry Sandusky, but I can't NOT talk about it.  Look, we all know that football is a dangerous game and that's BEFORE you mention the threat of little boys getting raped!  Now football seems as deadly and lethal as the sport of "hunting humans".  I like it.  The next time that James Harrison gets flagged for trying to decapitate a QB ten seconds after the whistle (which probably happened last night), he should just threaten the ref with the damage he could do to that ref's son.  And the ref would have to believe him.  Why?  Because people associated with football are now kid fuckers.  FACT.  I'm not saying that football needed more rape...but I'm not not saying that either.  Actually, you know what, don't rape people.  But feel free to use it as a threat.  That seems fair.

OK, so we're officially over the halfway point in this NFL season.  I really have nothing to add after that previous statement so why don't we just get into the Worst of the Week then.


Ryan Fitzpatrick/Fred Jackson - 3 turnovers too many from these nobodies.  The Jets are a bad matchup for the Bills.  They can silence the passing game and they play physical.  If the Bills want to prove me right and make the playoffs, they can't lose games like these.  I did like the whiteout though.  Way to go Buffalo!  WHITE POWER!

Mike Williams (SEA) and Mike Williams (TB) - What happened to these guys?  Are they on IR?  They might as well be.  Do they suck?  I think they suck.

Peyton Manning - Nothing is official, obviously, but it's feeling pretty likely that he is going to have a new home next season.  It seems like he knows it, too.  Let's say that Indy gets Luck and Miami has the #2.  Is Peyton for the #2 pick a fair deal and Manning would go to Miami?  I think it might.  The last time that the Colts had the first two picks in the Draft, they took Steve Emtman and Quentin Coryatt.  Great picks!

The Chiefs - I don't get the NFL sometimes.  KC looked legit on Monday night even though they only won because Philip Rivers is shit.  Now on Sunday (with SEAL IN ATTENDANCE), they get curbstomped by winless Matt Moore?  That makes no sense.  The moral of the story here is that Seal went to a Dolphins/Chiefs game for question mark reasons.

Josh Freeman - Not good.  Tampa Bay just isn't very good.

Peyton Hillis - Coming off of my hate-filled lecture on Thursday, I was hoping that that would motivate this big white idiot to play football.  It did not.  Apparently, a bunch of his teammates held some sort of an intervention for #40 to ask him to stop being a poopy-pants dickface.  And now the Browns have openly said, "FUCK YOU, WE GIVE YOU NOTHING, BYE BYE".  I love it.  They would be better off drafting Trent Richardson in the top 5-7 anyway.

Pat Shurmur - Wasn't he some sort of an offensive guru?  Why is his offense completely unwatchable?  Are those glued pubes on his head?  Firing Mangini was a mistake (I've always said that), especially when you replace him with someone terrible.

John Beck - He is the worst QB in the NFL.  There is no other candidate.  Not even Trung Canidate.  My favorite Beck-throw is when he "lobs" a screen pass or a check-down (which are the only throws he can make by the way) at about 140 mph.  At least Roy Helu proved to be the truth.  14 catches!  WEEEEEEEE!!!

Dan Snyder - You know that stupid NFL Fan Shop commercial where women are throwing their old gear at their douche bag husbands?  I can not not laugh when Mrs. Snyder throws her Skins gear at Li'l General and leaves the restaurant.  That's exactly what I have wanted to do for ten years.  Bitches be crazy.

Mrs. Harbaugh's Smile - Speaking of that commercial, what's going on with her grill?  Was she in Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun video?  I'm sure that she's quite lovely since she married a Miami Man, but--ummm, yeah, still creepy.

Rams Special Teams - Only because this game was played and I feel like I should say something.  Beanie Wells sucks, too.

Schedule Makers - Is is it just me or do the Bengals play dog shit teams every week?  When are they going to start playing someone decent?  I was totes wrong about Andy Dalton though.  I will admit that.  That kid (he is 8 years younger than me...I'm going to go cry now) looks like he's going to be alright.

Carson Palmer - That's 6 picks in 6 quarters now.  Hope he was worth it, Hue Jackson!

Tebow H8RZ - He looked really good yesterday.  It helped that McGahee was back being all sick.  Never doubt that God does make appearances at the Oakland Coliseum.


Philip Rivers - Just terrible.  His GM actually said that "sometimes you just have an off year".  An off YEAR???  Honorable terribleness to whoever was supposed to guard V-Jax.  Also, Aaron Rodgers sick.  Which leads me to...

Mr. Ace - This faggot had the nerve to rank my #1 MSFL team FIFTH in his official rankings last week.  I just went out and ENDED The Wig Master behind A-Rodg, Roy fucking Helu, McGahee, and Welk-ah.  Highest points of the week.  8-1...going to win the league.  FUCK YOU!


Bill Belichick/Tom Brady - HAHAHAHAHA Eli Manning PWNS you!  You can't beat the Manning boy that sucks.  This makes me laugh (because the Bills are still in first!).  You can't spell ELITE without ELI!

Finally, on a bit of a somber note, jovial Stube character, Julio, apparently passed away from cancer this weekend.  At least according to Ide, he did.  He was the only Mets and NY Giants fan that I ever knew.  I like to think that the G-Men won for him yesterday.  Rest in peace, Julio, may you have endless 1-and-1's in the afterlife.

20 comments:

The Iceman said...

Don't worry, there will be Sandusky jokes a-plenty.

Firing Mangina will always be the right move. Nobody liked playing for him. Shit. No one liked him period. No matter how much talent you have on your team, if your coach is a dick nosed blow hard, no one is going to play for him. Just look at my senior year under Snoad. 3-7. LOADS of talent. Wait...

I'm gonna give Marmalard a pass this week despite two pick sixes. Unless Devin Hester puts up a herculean effort tonight, Define Rape will make it's climb toward ELITE status with what we call a winning streak. Anything else you want to guaranSHEED Grump?

GMoney said...

Now that I've met and know Grumpy, it's hard to take too muc satisfaction from his Steelers getting kicked in the nuts last night. Then again, it's always great when the Steelers lose because they can't stop Joe Flacco from going 92 yards. HA!

Hines Ward...YA DONE! That was the best hit ever. Ray Lewis just earned himself two more free murders.

G$ also moves to 8-1 in the DFL after Flacco-esque comeback and a win by 1.2 points. I also beat Daniel by .8 points a month ago. What does this mean? I AM DESTINY'S TEAM!!!

GMoney said...

I guaranSHEED that the trade that we made this weekend (Kevin Walter to Ice, DeAngelo to $) will launch both of our teams to glory!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey fuck ass - my dad lives in kansas city. Im obviously not a Chiefs fan.

All that matters is the Steelers lost at home in dramatic fasion to Joe Flacco.

Seal

GMoney said...

Whoa, relax, Seal. I was just wondering why you would accept the punishment of Chiefs/Dolphins football (to go along with your usual self-punishment of Browns football). And while I'm sure it's more complex than this, just because your dad lives in KC doesn't mean that you are forced to watch horrible football teams.

I'm assuming that Grumpy is dead. That is a fair assessment of the situation, no?

Anonymous said...

What in the world is a "fuck ass"? Is that even a noun that someone can be called?

I hope Iceman hits Paterno as hard as he hits Sandusky tomorrow...also that big Ginger. They should all be in jail. Way to just completely ruin your legacy Joe Pa.

Andy Dalton does seem like the real deal. Very impressive to have him and Green.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I think the combination of the Steelers losing and getting skull fucked by the Iceman in fantasy football was too much for Grumpy to get out of bed today.

That trade was the most ELITE trade ever executed.

I assume Seal was there to punch Todd Haley's nuts.

The Iceman said...

This needs to be said. If you choose to bang some farm hand in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, for Christ sake, lock the God damn front door before sliding your unit in. That Asian and Little House on the Prairie bitch deserved to be zombie fodder for their carelessness.

I'm also pretty pumped for double the hillbilly action next week with the return of Mearle and his clap.

Prime99 said...

That final Flacco drive killed Murder Panties. Let's hope for less that 8 points from DeSean Jackson tonight... Fuck.

Joe Pa can now rot in hell. No wonder he doesnt want to retire, he was worried a new guy would find out about all this shit. What a fucking dicknose.

I like you guys, but the second I find out one of you is a real child molester rather than a jokey Internet one- I'm turning you in!

Anonymous said...

G$- replace "assume" with "hope" and ill agree about grumpy.

I pushed Moden hard to pick up Hines ward. All he needed was 15 yards,.. Fuck!

Mike Wallace stole a td from Antonio brown last night.. Which also likely stole a victory from the Fleshlights. I hate fantasy football. Let's hope Brent celek gets aids before getting 22 yards tonight...

I really hate being a browns fan. They have taken a back seat to fantasy football once again.

Which guy from the Stube died? Was he there saturday?

Dut

GMoney said...

Iceman, I will freely admit that I was pumped when we got some farmgirl sideboob last night. Why would the Asian use a condom though? Who gives a fuck? Everyone is going to die soon anyway. Might as well raw-dog it.

I've said this ever since Prison Break, but the woman that plays Lori is the worst actress ever. EVER.

How long are they going to keep looking for that little girl anyway? She's been missing for like a week now! Totes a zombie. Totes. I look forward to that crazy blonde bitch finally quenching her blood lust and putting the little kid down for good.

I'm pumped that Merle is back next week. Maybe he will explain what it feels like to be stinkpalmed by Jason Lee.

GMoney said...

I knew that you were the driving force behind that moron trying to beat me. Unfortunately, I am a superior man and will not succumb to your chicanery.

You probably don't know Julio. And since he had cancer and died either Saturday or Sunday, I'm guessing that he wasn't at the bar on Saturday night.

How much would you like to see T-Rich wearing a Browns helmet next year though???

Mr. Ace said...

I wish I knew a Penn State fan. That entire program was built on butt fucking young boys. Looks like Notre Dame has some company.

I can't believe the Book Hockey Facials shitted on me against Ide. Fucking McGahee. But Vick, McCoy, and Henery will put up 80 tonight and pull out the W.

G$, I know we are concerned about Grump, but can we confirm Wig Master is alive? Letting Iceman pop his cherry last week and then putting up 151 in a loss this week is a recipe for Wiggy consuming 47 Zima's.

Mr. Ace said...

G$, but don't you think Lori looks like an anorexic Lisa Ann? She deserved an Oscar for Nailin' Palin.

The Iceman said...

That was the most envelope pushing side tit in the history of television. If that camera was one more millimeter to the right, America sees a hillbilly nipple. I'm certain of that. It's only a matter of time before shows like that start showing full on tit. Last night's sided boob shot was revolutionary.

I think the little girl is still alive. If she can withstand rapes and beatings from her dead father she can outlast a zombie forest. Also, because if she dies they only have one more child left to get the group into horrible situations that should have never happened to begin with. They gotta keep both kids around. Well, that and so Carl can get himself a piece.

Really looking forward to the nameless black guy and Merle reunion. Honestly...does anyone know that black dude's name? Or is he simply in the credits as "Black Guy"?

GMoney said...

T-DAWG!!!! That is the worthless black guy's name. I'm honestly starting to think that The Walking Dead isn't a show but is actually what Georgia is. It almost has to be, doesn't it? Because if it was a show, they wouldn't hire actors THAT bad, would they?

Lori does not look like anorexic Lisa Ann. I consulted my penis and we both agreed on that. What a terrible comparison. Lisa can at least act.

I hope that someone gets this reference but I'm pretty sure that "Well Zombie" last night was either Bobo or Little Devil from "Nothing But Trouble". If you get that reference, just give me a mental HJ because that was terrific.

Wiggy is still alive. He sent me an anti-Helu text last night. Talk about bad luck, he also lost the week that Ide/Buke dropped 200+ and he scored the 2nd most points.

Prime99 said...

I love the thought that they would keep the lost girl around solely for Carl to have dirty sex with her in their teens.

Didn't they say that there were 5 wells on farm property?! Why did they send Glenn down there? Just seal that well and call it a day. I'm certain the group wants Glenn dead because they keep giving him shitty/dangerous jobs.

It is a bad idea to go raw dog in dangerous zombie times. Pregnant ladies and babies are causes for extremely dangerous situations (Lori being pregnant makes the lost girl expendable.)

The Iceman said...

They would name him T-Dawg. I'm not sure if that's really how Georgia is, but the writers of this show are for sure from the south with a racial stereotype like that. Writing for this show would be Ide's dream job.

Couldn't agree more about the raw dogging, Prime. You DO NOT want to impregnate during zombie takeovers. Giving birth with blood thirsty zombies nearby is like ringing the fucking dinner bell. I'm sure they can smell that bloody gash from miles away. That's like hiding from Charlie Weis in a house made of double cheeseburgers.

GMoney said...

By the way, to get today's pic, I image searched "pedophile". Surprisingly, it wasn't as horrible as I thought as it was mostly just those stupid motivational posters. I think I've said too much.

Grumpy said...

Yes, I lost to The Iceman. Yes, I played an inactive player. Yes, I suck at fantasy football. Yes, Flucko drove 92 yds. and skull fucked me. Yes, I am depressed about all of the above.

FUCK YOU DUT!!!!!!!!!!!!