Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Seabass Says Make It Four Boilermakers!

                                                       "Roll Tide."




Welcome back to another winners/losers edition at this sanctuary of sporting bliss.  Before we start...Breaking news:  Matt Schaub is out for the year which means this guy holds Houston's playoff hopes in his greasy, stink palm moving forward.  Prepare yourself for a lot of this.  And this.  Now...let's all watch in complete euphoria as Matt Leinart rips the heart out of Texan fans everywhere and finally accomplishes something that's been in the works for years.  Getting Gary Kubiak fired.  Since we're talking about Leinart, king of the losers, I can't think of a more fitting place to start...

Losers

Drew - I think we can all agree that Captain Loudmouth got what he deserved this past weekend.  As you all know, while Drew was deeply submerged in his reoccurring fantasy of licking bacon grease off Matt Stafford's jelly tits, OSU was getting fuckin worked by Purdue.  Here's where Buckeye fans use a whole lot of "if it weren't for this" and "they're lucky we didn't do this" and other useless excuses.  Nobody cares and it doesn't matter.  You lost because your coach is terrible.  And you let Robert Marve beat you which is more humiliating than getting caught running your fingers through Rosie O'Donnel's chest hair.  You lost to an albino/burn victim hybrid who couldn't cut it at a second rate ACC program.  Bad weekend for Drew, GREAT weekend for the rest of The Money Shot.

Penn State Fans - Delusion at its finest, people.  This is the closest thing I have ever seen to a religious cult.  The insane cults where people die/get hurt /force 13 year old boys girls to marry Jerry Sandusky 50 year old men.  The same cults that build walls up around the community to keep the insanity trapped in so the people living there have no choice but to inhale the horror.  I compare it to a body crippling fart that could potentially fry nerve endings that was let loose inside a greenhouse locked from the outside.  Fight it all you want, but once you're in, there is no escape.  Paterno helped cover up a child rape to protect the future of a football program, you fuckin kooks!  Why would you ever want someone with such a distorted moral fiber to keep their job?!  What if it were your kid getting hollowed out by Sandusky?  I bet you would have wanted Gargamel Paterno to do more, then.  Any Penn Stater saying Poopy Pants should have kept his job needs their fuckin head checked.

Boise State - Fuck you and congratulations.  You just set back mid-majors 20 years.  Laces out, Dan! Holy lightsaber cocksuckin blues!  My pristine research ability tells me that kid's name really is Dan!  Well, it used to be.  Now it's probably something like "Afterbirth" or "Fetus Fucker".  That makes this so much better.  This worthless turd nugget should be hearing "Laces Out" so many times in the next 3 years his anus will hemorrhage.  I hope someone YouTube's it.  Hey Dan...I bet when you decided to kick for Boise State you never thought you would single handily destroy all hopes at the first mid-major National Championship bid EVER, did you?  If I were on that team, I would pepper spray the inside of that choad's dick hole.

Stanford - Way to show up, faggots.  I stayed up for that??  My favorite part of that game was seeing the sparkle in the eye of Kirk Fourthstring and hearing the lustful desire in his voice while talking all things Andrew "I need my tonsils removed" Luck.  My God...just ask him to wear your Varsity jacket and get it over with, Kirk.  I'm sure if you ask nicely, Andrew will be more than willing to let you tickle his naked buttcheeks with a down feather.  The absolute best moment was after a late backbreaking pick 6 from Luck that fuckin rocketed off the frying pans of some Freshman.  Herbs wouldn't shut his toilet about how impressed he was with Luck's reaction after Oregon was done cabbage patching in the end zone.  What was he supposed to do?  Go full blown Ryan Leaf on the Freshman fuck responsible and start flipping Gatorade tables over?  Put him in the Steiner Recliner until the pelvis shatters?  So fucking stupid, Hermie.

Winners

Prime - I know I'm relegated to strictly college football, but I simply couldn't help myself.  I can't believe how professional you handled the Bears win, Prime.  After the brow beating you took from Drew I was expecting sweet, delicious, violent revenge.  You should have done something incredibly over the top...like force Drew to bleach his own anus.  Or Facebook post that picture you found of Drew and Dut making out while wearing nothing but Ohio State boobie tassels.  I suppose for a rational person such as yourself, living well in the playoffs is the best revenge.  Enjoy your wildcard berth while Nick Fairley spends the off season participating in food challenges.

Nevada Houston - You are now the only mid-major team that anyone gives a shit about.  Welcome to "We sort of give a fuck about you" land.  Meh...I'll be honest.  You're kinda like the less hot sister who's tits aren't as big who also has that crazy, unexplainable mole resting on the middle of your upper lip.  But hey...keep blowing people out and maybe some day someone will be stupid enough to look past the glaring physical deformity that's nearly impossible to ignore and give you a shot at the big boy table.

Alabama - Pull out the fancy overalls.  Shine up the high end dentures with what's left of the bleach grandma uses to stiffen up the moonshine.  Dust off the lavish paper plate set, dab some motor oil on the neck and hide the pigs.  It looks like Roll Motherfuckin Tide is heading back to the National Title game for "Bore the Fuck out of me Bowl 2".  I know Bama's still ranked 3rd behind Okie State but I have a feeling that Oklahomo is about to show the Staties who the main boss in the "Fat Gross Bitch Obesity" state is.  That would put Alabama at 2 since Oregon and Oklahoma winning out won't have the juice to push the Tide out of contention.  Of course this crack theory of mine all hinges on this guy (look down) fucking up...

Brandon Weeden (Oklahoma State) - Underdog Heisman alert!  I can't figure out if Weeden is that good or if Justin Blackmon is that big of a freak.  Maybe it's a harmonious combination of both.  But what I do know is that it can't hurt that Blackmon runs like a deer...a robot deer...on steroids.  Both players have put up super dumb stats this year and are the driving force behind keeping Mike Gundy from having another gnarly public meltdown.  My gut tells me that Oklahoma beats them this year...but my gut is also filled with peanut butter Snickers squares and 2 pounds of spaghetti.  I'm sure that analogy explains everything.  Secretly I'm pulling for the Cowboys because nothing would make me happier than Drew's overrated preseason pick winning the National Title this year.  Owning puppies that puke up $100 bills every 10 minutes.  That would actually make me happier.

By the time you read this, Define Rape will have claimed another victim in the MSFL.  You know, unless Randall Cobb does his best Leonard Hankerson impression.  Since playoffs are out of the question for me, I'm out to ruin people's lives like herpes at a gang bang.  This season has been a complete fucking nightmare and the least I can do is share that misery with as many people as I can.  I'm comin for ya, fuckers.  Time to go shit out some spaghetti.  Enjoy, shitdicks.

25 comments:

GMoney said...

I think that you meant Houston not Nevada. But it doesn't matter, does it.

Drew had the GALL to text me Saturday night cocking off about how Boise State sucks or something as if having a 54th trimester abortion for a kicker suddenly invalidates how great that program is. Oklahoma lost at home to a much worse team than TCU this season. Do they automatically suck now (besides legendary shit bucket Bob Stoops of course)? You are usually on point with your criticisms, but the Boise hate is just retarded. Shame on them for winning 90+% of their games, right?

And a guy whose alma mater is currently 1-2 in the last three meetings versus Danny fucking Hope should be saying nothing negative about anyone.

Anyone watch the Sandusky interview with Costas last night? Bob is pretty tiny, I bet that Jerry tried to fuck him. "I ejaculated into the intestines of hundreds of black boys, but I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE"! Good to know, Jerry, good to know.

Anonymous said...

The real loser of this week is Dut. Dut hopefully got bounced from the playoffs and has to once again give up his board to us again. And that Brady/Bush for Schaub/Forte trade doesn't look too shabby anymore.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Fuck Boise! Woot! Woot! Lose to Nevada last year...lose at home to a shitty TCU this year when they were favored by 16 points!

I predicted that OSU would lose to Purdue this past weekend, so I was not shocked. It was obviously disappointing, but not shocking to me.

Also, I'm not sure why you keep mentioning that the OSU coaches are terrible. Why would anyone take offense to that? These coaches were forced on the program and will be out next year. It's not like they hired Rich Rod and were forced to sit through his era for three years.

I was also fairly confident for some resaon that Oregon would throttle Stanford. Stanford has been digressing...for some reason I think USC will give Oregon a much better game this Saturday than Stanford did.

G$...How would Sandusky try to fuck Costas when it was a phone interview? I did watch it...and I have no idea why his lawyer let him do that. It took him forever to get to "no" when asked if he was sexually attracted to young boys. Turrible.

Can we do the NBA Lockout Arrest draft that was discussed in the comments yesterday? Already have three people in.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

That's exactly what I'm talking about. Houston is undefeated and I can't even remember the name of the God damn school. Houston, Nevada, Fresno State, Utah...same shit to me.

I did't think you would take offense to that. It's just fun to bring up every once in awhile.

GMoney said...

Is it possible to be forced coaches who have been around for a decade plus???

You aren't the only one that felt that Oregon was a lock. Stanford is a Big Ten team...slow and plodding.

I'm working on the rules for this draft (tomorrow maybe?). Stay tuned.

Boiler Up.

The Iceman said...

We're doing this for money, yes?

Prime99 said...

I watched the Sandusky interview (it was over the phone, not in person.) I felt dirty after watching it and needed to take a shower- uh wait...

I appreciate the shout out, and yes the Bears skull fucked the Lions and that was great. However, I got fucked in the MSFL by scoring the second most point but losing to Ide/Buke by 3. They needed a Cobb punt return and 2 TDs by Whordy Nelson. Fuck. Not helpful.

Anonymous said...

Best comeback ever.

Ide

Anonymous said...

"Is it possible to be forced coaches who have been around for a decade plus???" -- That is bad English....explain what you were trying to ask.

Iceman...we could all throw in a few bucks and maybe the winner gets a brand new Fleshlight shipped to them?

The Lions and Bears just protected their home turfs this year. No winner so far...we'll see how it plays out.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Although I am playing them this week, I would like to give a shoutout to Ide/Buke for defeating Murder Panties and keeping me in first place in the MSFL division. This all happened after what could have been the single worst fantasy performance I have ever been a part of.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I am hearing rumors of OSU looking at Upper Arlington's head coach Mike Golden for replacing Fickell next year. That's shitty. Everyone knows that the pride of high school football in Columbus and to a greater extent, all of Ohio, is at Hilliard Davidson.

Ide

Anonymous said...

IDE- send me your dfl writings whenever they're ready.

I really hate fantasy football. This team should be a lock for the playoffs. 2nd most points and I have to claw my way in. Not that anyone really cares, but fffuuuccckkkk!!!!

I think Sandusky is innocent. I can't wait to see the uproar when he walks away with a slap on the wrist.

I think iceman was trying to pile on by saying osu's coaching staff sucks... We knew that the minute joe bauserman started! The silver lining in this is that now its impossible to bring this staff back. If they would have somehow made the b10 title game, who knows. Thankfully we don't have to worry about that anymore.

I wish I would have started betting on Houston a few weeks ago. Now Vegas is lprobably going to move their lines to 50.

Dut

GMoney said...

Drew, that grammar was atrocious. I guess my point is that how can a coaching staff be forced on you when they've been around forever? Unless you're blaming Mike Vrabel for everything...which you should. It's not an ideal situation OBVZ, but at least there was continuity.

No money for the contest but likely a prize pack provided by me. Don't worry, they will be awful choices.

Whine all you want to about the DFL but this beefcake hunk is now 9-1. I will not be stopped.

Is Lange a dad yet by the way? Book it, I will beat him with Joe Flacco this coming week.

Anonymous said...

Dut...I hope you aren't serious that you think Sandusky is innocent.

G$...I don't think "continuity" does much when the coaches all pretty much suck. It's very obvious that Tressel built a staff of "yes men" with many that aren't worthy of their jobs. We have a Freshman QB that is being taught by a QB coach whose resume is as impressive as you listing your Napoleon football years and your fantasy football championships. The only coach that I would say is "damn good" is Jim Heacock. The rest are coaches that were built to be "yes men", which is why this team looks like it does not have leadership coming down from the coaches. Tressel's early staffs were built with some hungry coaches...Dantonio, Beckman, Hazell and Tucker. Now it's guys that are here waiting to retire (Bollman), a brother (Dick), because you basically hit the lottery and were given a job (Siciliano) or because your BFF is the head coach (Vrabel). It just doesn't work.

May I suggest that violent crimes get us more points in the NBA Lockout game? Anyone can build a team of pot heads. I wanna root for rapes and assaults.

--Drew

GMoney said...

you listing your Napoleon football years and your fantasy football championships

1. 1995-1998
2. ONE!

By the way, are you saying that Mike Vrabel sucks and has done nothing that anyone else couldn't do? It sounds like it.

Yes, crimes will be weighted. That is a fact.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea if Mike Vrabel sucks...none of us do. I do think he was a better hire than anybody else they could have got in June to join a lame duck staff. Ryan Shazier is a true Freshman LB that appears to be positioned to be one of the greats here. I'm excited to see him start against PSU.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Iceman- your MSFL team name for next year should be Define Horseplay...

That MSFL loss couldn't have been worse. 70% of my team is on a Bye this week. It's like nuclear winter for Murder Panties.

Grumpy said...

If there is a flashlight up for grabs I'm in the NBA game.

Grumpy said...

Fleshlight. Although I could use a nice flashlight also.

GMoney said...

The rules and point values have been established (on a legal pad!).

Check back in tomorrow for NBA ARREST DRAFT DAY!!! Don't worry, it's not first come/first serve but it's also not a snake order. Confused? That was the goal.

Anonymous said...

I got another nickname for justin verlander... Unanimous cy young!!!! Woooo!!!!!!! Remember when g$ blogged about cc deserving it? I do. And it was awful.

MVP tomorrow!?

Dut

GMoney said...

He also goes by "Lord of the No Rings" as well as his many nicknames given by his kin down in the holler.

Anonymous said...

JUSTIN VERLANDER IS THE GREATEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--DREW

The Iceman said...

Iceman- your MSFL team name for next year should be Define Horseplay...


Killing it.

I hate it when work gets in the way of my blogging. Meh...

Anonymous said...

Also a great trivia night name.