Welcome back to another winners/losers edition at this sanctuary of sporting bliss. Before we start...Breaking news: Matt Schaub is out for the year which means this guy holds Houston's playoff hopes in his greasy, stink palm moving forward. Prepare yourself for a lot of this. And this. Now...let's all watch in complete euphoria as Matt Leinart rips the heart out of Texan fans everywhere and finally accomplishes something that's been in the works for years. Getting Gary Kubiak fired. Since we're talking about Leinart, king of the losers, I can't think of a more fitting place to start...
Drew - I think we can all agree that Captain Loudmouth got what he deserved this past weekend. As you all know, while Drew was deeply submerged in his reoccurring fantasy of licking bacon grease off Matt Stafford's jelly tits, OSU was getting fuckin worked by Purdue. Here's where Buckeye fans use a whole lot of "if it weren't for this" and "they're lucky we didn't do this" and other useless excuses. Nobody cares and it doesn't matter. You lost because your coach is terrible. And you let Robert Marve beat you which is more humiliating than getting caught running your fingers through Rosie O'Donnel's chest hair. You lost to an albino/burn victim hybrid who couldn't cut it at a second rate ACC program. Bad weekend for Drew, GREAT weekend for the rest of The Money Shot.
Penn State Fans - Delusion at its finest, people. This is the closest thing I have ever seen to a religious cult. The insane cults where people die/get hurt /force 13 year old
Boise State - Fuck you and congratulations. You just set back mid-majors 20 years. Laces out, Dan! Holy lightsaber cocksuckin blues! My pristine research ability tells me that kid's name really is Dan! Well, it used to be. Now it's probably something like "Afterbirth" or "Fetus Fucker". That makes this so much better. This worthless turd nugget should be hearing "Laces Out" so many times in the next 3 years his anus will hemorrhage. I hope someone YouTube's it. Hey Dan...I bet when you decided to kick for Boise State you never thought you would single handily destroy all hopes at the first mid-major National Championship bid EVER, did you? If I were on that team, I would pepper spray the inside of that choad's dick hole.
Stanford - Way to show up, faggots. I stayed up for that?? My favorite part of that game was seeing the sparkle in the eye of Kirk Fourthstring and hearing the lustful desire in his voice while talking all things Andrew "I need my tonsils removed" Luck. My God...just ask him to wear your Varsity jacket and get it over with, Kirk. I'm sure if you ask nicely, Andrew will be more than willing to let you tickle his naked buttcheeks with a down feather. The absolute best moment was after a late backbreaking pick 6 from Luck that fuckin rocketed off the frying pans of some Freshman. Herbs wouldn't shut his toilet about how impressed he was with Luck's reaction after Oregon was done cabbage patching in the end zone. What was he supposed to do? Go full blown Ryan Leaf on the Freshman fuck responsible and start flipping Gatorade tables over? Put him in the Steiner Recliner until the pelvis shatters? So fucking stupid, Hermie.
Prime - I know I'm relegated to strictly college football, but I simply couldn't help myself. I can't believe how professional you handled the Bears win, Prime. After the brow beating you took from Drew I was expecting sweet, delicious, violent revenge. You should have done something incredibly over the top...like force Drew to bleach his own anus. Or Facebook post that picture you found of Drew and Dut making out while wearing nothing but Ohio State boobie tassels. I suppose for a rational person such as yourself, living well in the playoffs is the best revenge. Enjoy your wildcard berth while Nick Fairley spends the off season participating in food challenges.
Alabama - Pull out the fancy overalls. Shine up the high end dentures with what's left of the bleach grandma uses to stiffen up the moonshine. Dust off the lavish paper plate set, dab some motor oil on the neck and hide the pigs. It looks like Roll Motherfuckin Tide is heading back to the National Title game for "Bore the Fuck out of me Bowl 2". I know Bama's still ranked 3rd behind Okie State but I have a feeling that Oklahomo is about to show the Staties who the main boss in the "Fat Gross Bitch Obesity" state is. That would put Alabama at 2 since Oregon and Oklahoma winning out won't have the juice to push the Tide out of contention. Of course this crack theory of mine all hinges on this guy (look down) fucking up...
Brandon Weeden (Oklahoma State) - Underdog Heisman alert! I can't figure out if Weeden is that good or if Justin Blackmon is that big of a freak. Maybe it's a harmonious combination of both. But what I do know is that it can't hurt that Blackmon runs like a deer...a robot deer...on steroids. Both players have put up super dumb stats this year and are the driving force behind keeping Mike Gundy from having another gnarly public meltdown. My gut tells me that Oklahoma beats them this year...but my gut is also filled with peanut butter Snickers squares and 2 pounds of spaghetti. I'm sure that analogy explains everything. Secretly I'm pulling for the Cowboys because nothing would make me happier than Drew's overrated preseason pick winning the National Title this year. Owning puppies that puke up $100 bills every 10 minutes. That would actually make me happier.
By the time you read this, Define Rape will have claimed another victim in the MSFL. You know, unless Randall Cobb does his best Leonard Hankerson impression. Since playoffs are out of the question for me, I'm out to ruin people's lives like herpes at a gang bang. This season has been a complete fucking nightmare and the least I can do is share that misery with as many people as I can. I'm comin for ya, fuckers. Time to go shit out some spaghetti. Enjoy, shitdicks.