Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The NBA Lockout Arrest Fantasy Draft

HE'S MINE!
You all wanted this.  I am a man of the people (not really) so here it is.  Since it's all but a certainty that the stupid NBA players are going to take the year off like idiots, they have to occupy their time somehow.  We're all in agreement that at least 80% of these guys will spend some time in the back of a cop car.  The questions remain "Who" and "How" though.  That's where we come in to play.  The rules:

*You can draft a "team" of up to 4 players (your Fearsome Foursome)
*Round 1 will begin at 5:30 AM where you can draft your first rounder.  Round 2 begins at 11 AM.  Round 3 at 1 PM.  And Round 4 at 3 PM.  Eastern Time Zone, obvz.  No order, just show up and pick a criminal.
*Once someone is taken, they are gone for good.
*If you miss a round, don't worry.  You can double-pick if you miss a round.  If you show up at noon for the first time, go ahead and take two guys.
*After the first round, start listing your picks with your most recent selection so we can have some sort of order for who has been taken.
*Guys that were drafted this year (like Jon Diebler) are eligible.  Guys that retired (like Shaq) are not.
*Your team's "rap sheet" starts NOW and ends the day that the lockout ends.
*Arrests count...they don't have to be convictions.  They're all guilty anyway.
*It is YOUR responsibility to tally your own scores and to announce to the world (or at least the commenters) when one of your Foursome has been arrested.
*We can't have a contest like this without some casual racism.  If you own a white guy OR a foreigner who gets nailed, that is double points.  If you have a question on the ethnicity of a player, ask me and I will determine how their points will be weighed.
*Finally, we are not going to punish Prime for living in Sac-Town and thus not checking in until round 2.  So I am awarding him his hometown boy, DeMarcus Cousins, as the first pick in the NBA Lockout Arrest Fantasy Draft.  Prime, you are in no way permitted to entice DeMarcus into illegal activity.  Someone called that tampering yesterday and I agree.  Leave DeMarcus alone...LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!

You're probably wondering how this is going to be scored (by the way, there is no cap for how many points can be earned per arrest...if a guy kills a cop while smoking crack and fucking a goat, well sir, you just won the universe).  Here is how points will be accrued:

Marijuana (1 point)  Everybody in the NBA smokes pot.
Brought in for questioning on anything (1 point)  Not an arrest but it means your man is doing something shady.
Drunk and Disorderly (2 points)
Trespassing or B&E (2 points)
Assault/Fighting (2 points)  IF the assault/fight occurred at a Strip Club, that's a 4 point play!
Tax Crime (3 points) It would be hilarious if these guys started getting nailed for tax evasion because they can't afford accountants anymore.
DUI (3 points)
Restraining Order/Owes Months of Alimony (3 points) Pretty much a guarantee even when they're playing.
Domestic Violence (3 points)
Resisting Arrest (4 points) This is how you double dip in the point pool!
Sex Crime (5 points) Rape...pretty much rape.
Gun Charges (5 points) Also a guarantee.
Assaulting A Cop (5 points)
International Incident (6 points) Some of these guys will go overseas.  Make sure you stay on top of your roster's wheelings and dealings!
Armed Robbery/Theft (7 points)
Animal Crimes (7 points) If someone has the balls to go the Vick route, good God.
Hardcore Drug Arrest (8 points) Crack, coke, heroin, Oxy...they all count.  HGH and roids do not.
Girl Pedophilia (9 points)
Murder or Manslaughter (10 points) If you kill someone or are a person of interest, that's 10 big points for you.  And yes, "Attempted" counts!
Deportation (15 points) Might be a nice handcuff with International Incident
Boy Pedophilia (Don't worry, you just won) If you can pick a player that likes to fuck little kids then you are probably a pederast yourself.

It's that easy.  The winner of this (and again, YOU keep track of your own team's shit) will get a Money Shot Prize Pack.  PAY ATTENTION!!!  If you are the first team to reach 32 points (and that's not going to be easy), everyone participating in this contest will pitch in and BUY YOU A FLESH LIGHT.  Repeat-draft 4 awesome deviants that average 8 points each and you will be beating off like the King of England! 

As I mentioned at the beginning, Prime opened the Draft up by drafting DeMarcus Cousins.  And since I'm such a nice guy, I will be picking next.  You better believe I'm going after the double points, too.

Team G$ selects: Chris "Birdman" Andersen.  Look at all those tats (notice the $ behind his ear which has to be a sign from God)!  He was once suspended for almost two years for HARDCORE drugs.  He is trying to pitch a reality show where he and his friends go hunting (seriously).  Guns?  Meth?  Animal Crime?  Murder?  WELCOME TO THE TEAM, BIRDMAN!!!

Let's have fun with this today.  And we're off...

74 comments:

Anonymous said...

Gilbert Arenas.

Im guessing child support = alimony?

Ide

Grumpy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grumpy said...

Delonte West. He'll kill his Mother.

The Iceman said...

I'm taking J.R. Smith. He hangs out with a crazy white guy (Andersen) and someone with that many neck tats is for sure up to no good.

GMoney said...

Yes, my apologies...alimony and child support are the same thing here.

I was hoping that Delonte and JR would be available later. Dammit!

Anonymous said...

Andray Blatche

I love my # 1 overall pick.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Iceman....J.R. was a risky pick as he's playing in China right now. So, he's keeping busy.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I'm not lying, I was going to hand my BLATCHE card up to the podium at 11:01. Damn you, Drew, damn you to Hell!

Anonymous said...

Michael Beasley

-Damman

The Iceman said...

Basketball or no basketball, Smith is getting arrested. Especially playing with a bunch of Asians. You know that guy HATES Asians.

I just wish we would have done this before Crittenton murdered someone. Anyone drafting that guy would have hit a fuckin gold mine.

GMoney said...

Be afraid...I just spent the last 20 minutes combing over every roster in the league. My war room is buzzing right now.

Early hint for my 2nd pick:
His name rhymes with Borden Wayward!

Anonymous said...

Ron Artest will do something stupid right? I'll go with him.

G$ - you have a little college hoops post planned? Whats your feeling on UK this year? I know you like the Davis unibrow.

Seal

Anonymous said...

There is a guy still available that has no business being still available.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Ron Artest is dead. In his place was birthed Metta World Peace. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

Mr. Ace said...

If I take Crittenton and he is convicted of murder during the lockout does that count? Even though he was charged in August.

How about NBA analysts? I would love to have Barkley on my squad.

Anonymous said...

I have a great pick strategy lined up for round 4. It will prove beneficial.

You will find no white guys on my roster.

And I have my next pick all ready

Ide

Anonymous said...

Ape...stick to the fucking rules. G$ made it clear that only NBA players and those drafted this past season count.

Iceman...was he birthed or birfed?

I gotta figure out a good white player to draft. Diebler ain't gonna cut it.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Ace, the points count when he gets charges not convicted. Good call on a guy in a holding cell for murder.

GMoney said...

Seal, I'll get something up on college hoops maybe later this week. TO be honest though, I'm not really an expert on the topic. But we'll do something.

Ace is a moron. No you can't draft people behind bars already or guys that have been out of the league a decade.

Mr. Ace said...

Well, Sir Charles is my teams honorary coach.

I will roll with Zach Randolph.

Prime99 said...

Thank you for Cousins- there will be no tampering. I'm not ghetto enough to hang out with NBA players.

Mr. Ace said...

From my Facebook stalking I have gathered that Lange is officially a father(I believe). So congrats to him. We will see you again in 18 years.

GMoney said...

Congrats, Lange! Make sure you show your son how a real man plays fantasy football when I kick your shit around this weekend with Joe Flacco leading the way.

The Iceman said...

OJ Mayo for me.

His dad tried killing someone with his car. OJ's got murder in his blood.

GMoney said...

Team G$:

1. Chris "Birdman" Andersen
2. Kris Humphries

This guy is WAAAAAAY past due for a public meltdown of epic proportions. By the way, he is considered black (which is why he nailed Kim in the first place).

Anonymous said...

2nd round pick...

Stephen Jackson

Where was everyoen on that?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Iceman, fix yo drafting...list your previous picks, faggot.

Anonymous said...

1.) Andray Blatche
2.) Stephen Jackson

--Drew

The Iceman said...

1. JR Smiff
2. OJ Mayo

Happy?

Anonymous said...

1. Gilbert Arenas
2. DeShawn Stevenson

My next two picks will be scientifically proven to get me points.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Fine pick, Drew. He was on my list but does too much God stuff which knocked him down the list a little. The Lord looks out for his own (see Tebow, Tim). Even still, Jackson is good for an assault or 3.

Anonymous said...

Damn! I was gonna be all over SJax with my 2nd pick.

I'll go with Kenyon Martin.

1. Michael Beasley
2. Kenyon Martin

-Damman

Anonymous said...

If you want a good laugh Google Image search "Stephen Jackson".

The first picture is of him sitting at a media table...lifting up his jersey to show a tattoo he got on his chest of a praying hands holding a gun. No joke.

The third picture is him dressed in all red (he was/probably still is a blood) chugging a big bottle of vodka.

How a man with those credentials slipped to the second round I do not know.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

1) DeMarcus Cousins
2) Marquis Daniels

Marquis recently tweeted he's going on tour rapping AND he has a tattoo of guy blowing his head off with a shotgun. Let's do this.

Grumpy said...

1. Delonte West
2. Kendrick Perkins.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy with the Kendrick Perkins pick. I like it...he's a very angry person.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

1. Ron Artest
2. Rafer Alston

Seal

Anonymous said...

Not gonna lie....a little surprised Jimmer is still out there.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Seal....Rafter Alston has not played in the NBA since March of 2010. He does not fit the eligibility rules.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

ok then ill go...
1. ron artest
2. jason richardson

Seal

Anonymous said...

1. Gilbert Arenas
2. DeShawn Stevenson
3. Keith Benson

Born and raised in Detroit, college in Oakland, and drafted by Atlanta. And he isis a brokegreat ass rookie. That is pedigree gentleman.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I see my phone likes gibberish today.

Anonymous said...

1.) Andray Blatche
2.) Stephen Jackson
3.) Lance Stephenson

2008 -- Lance beat up a high school teammate.

2009 -- Lance groped a 17 yr old and got a sexual assault charge.

2010 -- Lance pushed his girlfriend down a set of stairs.

2011 -- Hasn't been in trouble......yet...it's coming.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

1. JR Smiff
2. OJ Mayo
3. Josh Howard

The man loves pot and hates American. Welcome to my team.

Grumpy said...

Delonte West
Kendrick Perkins
Matt Barnes

The Iceman said...

Dammit! I was hoping Barnes would slide to the 4th round. Good value pick, Grumpy.

Anonymous said...

1. Jeremy Tyler
2. Kenyon Martin
3. Michael Beasley

Tyler's brother was charged with aggravated assault in relation to a gang shooting 2 years ago. Let's hope Jeremy is right behind him.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Wow, I was targeting Lance Stephenson for the last round. Great pick.

1. Chris "Birdman" Andersen
2. Kris Humphries
3. Caron Butler

I believe that when he was a teenager, he was arrested like 100 times or something. He's due.

GMoney said...

By the way, the Denver Nuggets are going like fucking hotcakes.

Nice research on Jeremy Tyler. I'd never heard of that future convict before.

Prime99 said...

Ah! I had Barnes for the 4th as well! Dammit!!!

1. D Cousins
2. Marquis Daniels
3. Tyreke Evans

I'm hoping for a Sactown meltdown! Tyreke loves driving 130.

The Iceman said...

Tyler was my sleeper pick. He opted not to play his senior year of HIGH SCHOOL so he could play for money oversees. One year into his deal, he was benched and almost deported because he was such a head case and couldn't learn the offense.

Solid pick in the 3rd round.

Anonymous said...

To level the playing field, I just found this website, and it is the Fantasy Football guide of this draft.

http://www.shamsports.com/content/pages/data/character/index.jsp

Ide

Anonymous said...

Prime...nice pick on Tyreke...I was a little surprised he was still left. He's got some bad crazy in him.

I also love the Jeremy Tyler pick for the reasons that Iceman stated. He was on my draft sheet as a possible fourth round pick.

Last round coming up...do I go for a white guy or stay dark? Decisions decisions.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

The Denver Nuggets are the new Portland Trailblazers.

This is MUCH more fun than actual fantasy basketball.

The Iceman said...

Too bad White Chocolate retired, Drew. But would he still be around in the 4th round?

Anonymous said...

I had no idea who this Jeremy Tyler character was. I googled "troubled NBA players" and came across him. I didn't read the whole article so I didn't know his whole body of work. Thank you Iceman. I'm liking that pick more and more.

-Damman

Grumpy said...

Delonte West
Kendrick Perkins
Matt Barnes
Derrick Caracter

The Iceman said...

1. JR Smiff
2. OJ Mayo
3. Josh Howard
4. Marcus Camby

You can never have too many pot heads on your team.

Anonymous said...

1. Ron Artest
2. Jason Richardson
3. Zach Randloph
4. JJ Redick

JJ is raping someone for sure.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Fucking Grumpy just took my Derrick Caracter pick! FUCK.

Back to the fucking drawing board.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Seal, Mr. Ace took Z-Bo as his first pick but hasn't shown up again for anyone else so please make another choice.

1. Birdman
2. Mr. Kim Kardashian
3. Caron Butler
4. Terrence Williams

He seems like a lunatic and hopefully he learned a lot about morals from Rick Pitino.

I like my team. We aren't focused on the past but what these men's potentials are.

The Iceman said...

This is one of the best things I've ever seen and always think of it whenever I see J.J. Redick's name.

http://smithbeachwood.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/284899288alihib_ph.jpg

Anonymous said...

1. Michael Beasley
2. Kenyon Martin
3. Jeremy Tyler
4. Byron James Mullins

Byron is too white trash to not be arrested soon. Maybe crystal meth?

-Damman

Grumpy said...

Sorry Drew, I really want that fleshlight.

Anonymous said...

1.) Andray Blatche
2.) Stephen Jackson
3.) Lance Stephenson
4.) Nate Robinson

I think my top three guys are capable of hitting grand slams (ie murders)....Robinson seems to be a little wild guy so I'm hoping for a weed, alcohol, club fight out of him.

That Caracter pick pisses me off Grump...well done.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

1. Gilbert Arenas
2. DeShawn Stevenson
3. Keith Benson
4. Marshon Brooks

Going after young black males with no contracts seem easy pickins to me.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I propose an addendum to this league as well. There should be a waiver wire, a sign and drop if you will for arrest warrants that have been issued. Just post who you take and drop one name on this board so it is timestamped and not up for debate. That way the fleshlight can go to its rightful owner. THERE ARE NO BYE WEEKS IN THE LOCKOUT PEOPLE.

Ide

Anonymous said...

fuck it, im taking carmelo. he is going to get busted for coke or meth to help him lose the 75 pounds he has put on this off season.

1. ron artest
2. j rich
3. carmelo
4. jj redick

Seal

The Iceman said...

Ooooo. Good pick Seal. He's due to do something really fuckin stupid.

Prime99 said...

1. Cousins
2. Marquis Daniels
3. Tyreke
4. John Wall

Calipari grows criminals. I hope.

GMoney said...

The plan of taking Calipari prodigies is a smart one. There's no way that he preaches morals.

No waiver wire. That's crazy.

Best comment day ever...thanks for playing!

I wish I could draft Victor Cruz (was at night club where someone got shot last night).

Prime99 said...

My guy John Wall was at the club that got shot up!

So was Reese Witherspoon!

Ace said...

Damn work...really screwed me over. I had Caracter and Jackson on my radar for rounds 2 and 3. Fuck.

I will take Sebastian Telfair, Shawne Williams, and Joakhim Noah

GMoney said...

So, for the record, Mr. Ace has

Z-Bo
Telfair
Shawne Williams
Joakim Noah