*You can draft a "team" of up to 4 players (your Fearsome Foursome)
*Round 1 will begin at 5:30 AM where you can draft your first rounder. Round 2 begins at 11 AM. Round 3 at 1 PM. And Round 4 at 3 PM. Eastern Time Zone, obvz. No order, just show up and pick a criminal.
*Once someone is taken, they are gone for good.
*If you miss a round, don't worry. You can double-pick if you miss a round. If you show up at noon for the first time, go ahead and take two guys.
*After the first round, start listing your picks with your most recent selection so we can have some sort of order for who has been taken.
*Guys that were drafted this year (like Jon Diebler) are eligible. Guys that retired (like Shaq) are not.
*Your team's "rap sheet" starts NOW and ends the day that the lockout ends.
*Arrests count...they don't have to be convictions. They're all guilty anyway.
*It is YOUR responsibility to tally your own scores and to announce to the world (or at least the commenters) when one of your Foursome has been arrested.
*We can't have a contest like this without some casual racism. If you own a white guy OR a foreigner who gets nailed, that is double points. If you have a question on the ethnicity of a player, ask me and I will determine how their points will be weighed.
*Finally, we are not going to punish Prime for living in Sac-Town and thus not checking in until round 2. So I am awarding him his hometown boy, DeMarcus Cousins, as the first pick in the NBA Lockout Arrest Fantasy Draft. Prime, you are in no way permitted to entice DeMarcus into illegal activity. Someone called that tampering yesterday and I agree. Leave DeMarcus alone...LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!
You're probably wondering how this is going to be scored (by the way, there is no cap for how many points can be earned per arrest...if a guy kills a cop while smoking crack and fucking a goat, well sir, you just won the universe). Here is how points will be accrued:
Marijuana (1 point) Everybody in the NBA smokes pot.
Brought in for questioning on anything (1 point) Not an arrest but it means your man is doing something shady.
Drunk and Disorderly (2 points)
Trespassing or B&E (2 points)
Assault/Fighting (2 points) IF the assault/fight occurred at a Strip Club, that's a 4 point play!
Tax Crime (3 points) It would be hilarious if these guys started getting nailed for tax evasion because they can't afford accountants anymore.
DUI (3 points)
Restraining Order/Owes Months of Alimony (3 points) Pretty much a guarantee even when they're playing.
Domestic Violence (3 points)
Resisting Arrest (4 points) This is how you double dip in the point pool!
Sex Crime (5 points) Rape...pretty much rape.
Gun Charges (5 points) Also a guarantee.
Assaulting A Cop (5 points)
International Incident (6 points) Some of these guys will go overseas. Make sure you stay on top of your roster's wheelings and dealings!
Armed Robbery/Theft (7 points)
Animal Crimes (7 points) If someone has the balls to go the Vick route, good God.
Hardcore Drug Arrest (8 points) Crack, coke, heroin, Oxy...they all count. HGH and roids do not.
Girl Pedophilia (9 points)
Murder or Manslaughter (10 points) If you kill someone or are a person of interest, that's 10 big points for you. And yes, "Attempted" counts!
Deportation (15 points) Might be a nice handcuff with International Incident
Boy Pedophilia (Don't worry, you just won) If you can pick a player that likes to fuck little kids then you are probably a pederast yourself.
It's that easy. The winner of this (and again, YOU keep track of your own team's shit) will get a Money Shot Prize Pack. PAY ATTENTION!!! If you are the first team to reach 32 points (and that's not going to be easy), everyone participating in this contest will pitch in and BUY YOU A FLESH LIGHT. Repeat-draft 4 awesome deviants that average 8 points each and you will be beating off like the King of England!
As I mentioned at the beginning, Prime opened the Draft up by drafting DeMarcus Cousins. And since I'm such a nice guy, I will be picking next. You better believe I'm going after the double points, too.
Team G$ selects: Chris "Birdman" Andersen. Look at all those tats (notice the $ behind his ear which has to be a sign from God)! He was once suspended for almost two years for HARDCORE drugs. He is trying to pitch a reality show where he and his friends go hunting (seriously). Guns? Meth? Animal Crime? Murder? WELCOME TO THE TEAM, BIRDMAN!!!
Let's have fun with this today. And we're off...