Tuesday, November 01, 2011

More Winners and Losers...

                         "Yep.  I definitely have a sweat pants boner."



Look at all of you yesterday.  Trying to whitewash The Iceman into posting shit about storming the field.  The Iceman cannot be bought!  Unless you have cookies...or cupcakes that look like tits with frosting baked on the inside of them.  Then The Iceman is listening.  No cookies or titty cakes?  No deal.  But truthfully it's because I really don't give a fuck about rushing the field/storming the court crap one way or another.  I stormed the court once when I was at BGSU, was nearly trampled to death by a herd of land hogs, and never had the desire to do it again.  The only thing I got out of the deal was a sweaty black guy shoulder in my mouth and an accidental nut check to Dan Dakich.  So I don't do that anymore.  Some nights I can still taste the salt.  Moving on.  I think the whole winner/loser thing was pretty successful last week so much like Drew paying for sex, let's stick with what works.

Losers

Lane Kiffin (Resident Butt-Fuck):  What a sore fucking loser cry baby faggot fuck.  I'm so God damn sick of Kiffin.  I would accept the trade off of shitting nails for eternity if it meant Kiffin's mouth was glued shut in return.  Learn how to lose gracefully instead of bitching about how some ref "lied" to you.  That's what children do...complain about how it's everyone else's fault but their own.  I would say locate your testicles, but I know you have flat plastic down there like a Ken doll.

Kirk Cousins (QB - Michigan State):  See?  Straight up terrible.  Maybe if that fucking dunce Cowturd would come up for air in between deep throats, he could prevent himself from saying stupid shit by actually watching Cousins play.  If I need a substitute gym teacher or a guy to prepare my taxes for me, I'll give Cousins a buzz.  Outside of that, I'll go ahead and pass.

Luke Fickell (Place Holder):  Dumbass.  Maybe if you would have been starting Braxton Miller from the start you would have a chance to keep this job next year.  That's why you schedule laughers at the beginning of the year.  So your 17 year old QB can get his dick wet and slay some hoodrats first instead of getting thrown to the wolves.  Bauserman should have never even been considered.

BCS:  Why even put Boise State in the top 5 if you just intend for every major school to jump them in the polls?  Stanford's resume isn't any more impressive than Boise's at this point, so why?  Because they beat boner connoisseur Matt Barkley in triple OT?  Fucking stupid.  I can't wait until the BCS totally contradicts itself this year and has a 1-loss LSU or 1-loss Alabama play an undefeated for the title after they didn't allow Ohio State and Michigan to do the exact same thing.

Clemson:  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I trust the ACC as much as I trust a fart.  The minute you let your guard down, it's too late.  Shart City.  Taj Boyd is pretty damn good but there is a thick fog of losery that breeds failure and disappointment within this boring fucking conference.  No amount of talent or voodoo can conquer that fury.

Winners

Braxton Miller (QB - OSU):  The passing numbers weren't overly impressive, but the legs were working and he took care of the ball while making good decisions in a YOOOUUUUGE (copyright Al Michaels) game at home.  Not to mention that the entire world, including some of Buckeye Nation, assumed OSU was getting all 18 inches of Hail Mary revenge boner collapsing their anal wall Saturday night.  Columbus had to look like post outbreak NYC from I am Legend Sunday morning after all the dust cleared.  God, I hope Dut was tear gassed and shot in the throat with rubber bullets.

Eric LeGrand (DT - Rutgers):  This is one of the few times I will speak on a completely serious level.  One month ago, doctors told LeGrand he would never breathe on his own without a ventilator.  LeGrand kindly told them all to go fuck themselves and is on his way to walking again.  If watching LeGrand lead his team out on the field Saturday didn't make you want to be a better person, than I don't know what will.  We could all learn something from people like Eric LeGrand.  God speed in your recovery.

Case Keenum (QB - Houston):  Holy Jesus Christ.  Nine fucking touchdowns in one game?  That seems made up to me.  I don't know how a defense allows that to happen.  Stop shaving each others balls and make a play for fuck sake.  Keenum is now FBS #1 in career touchdown passes because of that onslaught.  Let's see who he shares the list with.  Graham Harrell, Colt Brennan, Kellen Moore and Ty Detmer.  So by this list we can assume that Keenum will be one of four things: someone who gives Mike Leach bare belly raspberries for eternity, a drug addicted skid mark washout who fingers buttholes for whippet money, the next Tim Tebow or dead from ritual suicide.  What's that?  Detmer is still alive??  Fuck.

Iceman:  Because I always win.  And because I was Indiana Jones for Halloween on Saturday.  Do you know what's better than using an actual whip to try and snatch drinks out of people's hands when you're flat wrecked?  Nothing.  Just know I was in a tiny minority of people who thought this was hysterical.

There you go dick smacks.  Tasty college football.  Now that bowl season is approaching, I'm taking suggestions from all you cock sniffers.  Did you ferries enjoy what Ape did last year?  Are you interested in having another Money Shot commenters competition picking bowl game winners?  Or are you content with just joining the Yahoo shit that G$ does, making your picks then mutilating your privates to pornography?  I suppose I could probably find some sort of prize to give away to the winner if you queens want to make picks on here again.  The prize will NOT be a used fleshlight.  It definitely will not be a used Rita Hayworth fleshlight I stole from Grumpy's house.  Promise.

31 comments:

Grumpy said...

So that's where it went. Nice tribute to LeGrand; you do have a heart.

Just because all those QB's failed in the pros (you could add Akili Smith, Timmy Chang, David Carr) doesn't mean they're worthless. They were excellent college QB's. The fact that didn't cut in in the NFL is irrelevant.

The Iceman said...

Hopefully you can beat all these fools and collect the prize that is rightfully yours, Grump.

I would actually argue the opposite. No one plays division 1 college football to have the pinnacle of their career be "excellent college QB". Almost all of those guys are striving to be excellent NFL QBs...except Eric Crouch who only played football because his dad attached electrodes to his genitals. Or something like that.

GMoney said...

You use the word "boner" so much that it is starting to lose its meaning. It's probably why Growing Pains Boner killed himself.

LOSER - Kirk Ferentz. Way to lose to MINNESOTA! This guy is the most OVERRATED coach in all of football. They do shit like this every year.

I still don't understand how Ohio State won that game. I mean, the QB clearly threw a punt on that one play. Since the receiver caught it, shouldn't it have been a touchback?

Bret Bielema is a terrible coach. Nice prevent defenses in back-to-back embarrassing losses.

I would have guessed that punching Dan Dakich in the nuts would make you more inclined to storm the floor.

I like the "in the comments" challenge for bowls (since I won it last year). But I will also do the Yahoo pool as well (which I also won last year). Clearly, I am the 1% (don't really know what that means but I think it means ELITE).

7-1, 7-1, 6-2...DOMINATING.

Grumpy said...

Oh, and my MSFL team pulled the upset of the week, beating the 1st place team. This week I take down Iceman. Guaranteed.

The Iceman said...

I have to use it that much because I talk about Matt Barkley that much. Barkley and boners are like peanut butter and jelly.

Get in line Grumpy. I'm the town skank with zero morals. If you have a heart beat I'll let you have your way with me.

Anonymous said...

I like the bowl comments shindig.

Kirk Ferentz is most definitely a loser...but he will probably win Big Ten COY somehow like he does every year.

G$...that was NOT a punt...that was an ELITE across the body game winning TD pass.

I was pukeing in trash cans at the Out R Inn after that game...it was glorious.


If Eric LeGrand had former Rutgers great/Lions QB Mike McMahon's legs....well...he'd be able to walk again.

I was really happy to see Kiffin lose it and get fined. That USC AD Pat Haden either had the testicle electrodes that you already mentioned put on Kiffin to keep him from acting up...or he had been drugging him. Because he hadn't done anything real bitchy/childish in too long of a time. Nice to see it come out again and remind everyone of just how big of a faggot he is.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Grump, did you beat Li'l Strut then? Because you didn't beat my meat. Li'l Strut's team of CONSISTENCY had a rare lapse in averageness this week apparently. Not me. I just keep being the elitest.

The Big Ten is even worse than we all thought, by the way. The highest ranked team is either Michigan or Nebraska and those two teams are poop burgers.

I would have totes respected Kiffin if he pulled a Chris Farley/Colombian frozen coffee crystals and screamed "YOU LIED TO ME, I'LL KILL YOU" while chucking pies at people. Easily a top 5 SNL sketch.

Philip Rivers = overrated. Nice fumble, shitstack.

Mr. Ace said...

I would like to congratulate Iceman on winning the GMC Never Say Never Trophy in the MSFL. Way to hang in there.

The game of the week is on tonight. Go Rockets.

Anonymous said...

I only do pick em pools if there is $$ on the line. Otherwise, who gives a shit!?

Look at all the love for tosu today! It's amazing that this late in the year, osu could make the motor city bowl and the rose bowl! While a am pumped about Saturdays win, and now for the rest of the season, I am nervous that osu will keep fickell and the rest of the staff. Fickell wouldn't be all that bad- but if I have to see Jim bollman coach next year I'll puke.

Stanfords win at USC is better than anything Boise has done this year. Also, Stanford is better than Boise... That's why they jumped them. It was just a matter of time.

Who did Michigan suck off for that schedule?

Dut

The Iceman said...

pffftiiichhchhpffftiiichhchhpfff...

I can't believe someone actually lost to the worst fantasy football team ever assembled. I wish I knew how to change the Douche Lord banner because Mr. Brownstone would be gracing the cover for sure.

The Big Ten has 5 ranked teams. They aren't that bad.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...the Big Ten is pretty bad. No team is actually a top ten team...and the bottom rung is just putrid.

Dut...relax on worrying about Bollman for next year. This is his last year.


Stanford would definitely beat Boise.

Chuckling at the fact that Ape roots for a college football team that plays on Tuesday nights.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Boise's win over Georgia > Stanford's win over USC.

The Iceman said...

Drew, I'm not saying they're fucking totally sweet. I'm saying they aren't as bad as G$ and his deep seeded hatred for the conference says.

Mr. Ace said...

At least my team/school won't act like a bunch of classless fucktards and rush the field after they win tonight. Even a team that plays on Tuesday nights is better than that.

Anonymous said...

If Toledo rushed the field on a Tuesday night would anyone even see it?

*ice burn*

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Dang....burn? I'm glad Fuckeyes are back to their normal douchey self's. It just didn't feel the same around here the last couple weeks.

GMoney said...

Boise's win over Georgia > Stanford's win over USC

THIS. Why would you just make a baseless argument that Stanford would beat Boise? At what point in Chris Peterson's tenure on the blue turf has he made you not believe that they will show up and PWN the big boys? I would bet on Boise to beat Luck because Boise beats everybody.

The Big Ten is pretty much the ACC this season except that Clemson would be undefeated in the Big Ten (maybe).

Mr. Brownstone/The Wig Master ought to be embarrassed. Not for losing to the Iceman (although he should be), but for that diploma from BGSU.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me, or is ace having a hard time coping with osu's win over wisky?

Ace- rushing the field is classless?

Dut

GMoney said...

Grape Ape, probably the game of the year in the MAC tonight. Toledo should roll. It's fucking awful that the RedHawks control their own destiny in the East.

By the way, Grumpy was giving me shit on Saturday for not driving to Oxford in lieu of watching it on TV. He called me a fair weather fan (is that possible?). So I called him during the game to remind him to take his pills and he was driving to Indy. What an asshole.

GMoney said...

Ace- rushing the field is classless?

I would say in this case, yes. You idiots have not just been to bowls, but BCS bowls, seemingly every year for the past decade plus. It wasn't a hail mary on the last play of the game. Wisconsin just lost the week before and were ranked #16. OBVZ, it was an emotional victory, but it wasn't worthy of trespassing. Bush league.

And I say this as someone who ran onto Yager Stadium's hallowed grounds in 2001 when Large Benjamin launched a 70 yard hail mary TD to Edward Tillitz on the final play of the game to beat Charlie Frye. THAT was a meaningless win but was totally worthy of a storm.

Mr. Ace said...

Classless, bush league, whatever you want to call it. If I were a Fuckeye I would be embarrassed. You aren't the Indiana Hoosiers, stop acting like it.

Grumpy said...

I'm the asshole? I asked G$ to text me RedHawk score updates because I was driving. He then calls and promises to send me halftime, end of 3rd and final score. Texts me halftime score and never hear from him again.

I'm sure you were flat on your face puking in some alley off Lane Ave.

I beat Your Mom, whoever that is; said he was 6-1 and in 1st place in his division. He started Christian Ponder, which makes him dumber than me.

Anonymous said...

Boise beats everyone not named Nevada I guess huh G$?

If OSU fans rushing the field makes Ape this mad then I hope it happens after every win from now on.....EXCEPT when we beat Toledo....probably make him angrier.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I would bet on Boise to beat Luck because Boise beats everybody.

Precisely. Boise keeps scheduling Big Boy teams and keeps beating them. Kind of a catch 22 for them though. The rest of the country watches Boise beat the Georgia's and Oregon's of the world and no one wants to schedule them since they don't want their season ruined.

Anonymous said...

Kudos to Grumpy on his MSFL win. It sucks that I scored the 2nd most points this week and still lost, but it is what it is.

G$,

My averageness would explain why "Your Mom" has scored the 2nd most points of any team in the MSFL this year, right?

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

"It sucks that I scored the 2nd most points this week and still lost, but it is what it is."

<>

Vick and Shady are winning the title.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Ace,

How about you do some Power Ranking?

-Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

I have the most points, yet my record is 5-3. That sucks.

Ace has participated in the comments today more that his combined participation all season in the MSFL. Apparently one good week from the Eagles makes him come out like the Verizon guy.

GMoney said...

The Verizon Guy would kick Ape's ass.

By the way, I have a few Trick or Treating notes from last night as I actually did the candy dispensing at the Mansion from 6-7:30 because my wife had to stay at work/is worthless.

*I mentioned it on Facebook but someone on my street was giving out Highlights Magazines. They apparently thought that that they were running a doctor's office or some shit. Worst "treat" ever.

*There were a few obvious teenagers coming through. I gave them candy just so they would leave. If you're going to do that though, WEAR A COSTUME. These 4 guys just rolled through in street clothes. I would have said no, but I don't feel like getting egged.

*The other 364 days of the year it's illegal to sit on your front porch, wear sweatpants, invite kids over, and give them candy out of a bowl that is resting on your genitals...BUT NOT ON HALLOWEEN BABY!!!

*There were two moms walking their kids around clearly drinking alcohol out of plastic cups. Those are my kind of women.

Anonymous said...

Why are you guys acting like Georgia is some sweet team? They haven't beaten a single rankd team. I don't know if they are better or worse than USC, but I sure as hell wouldn't mention them with the likes of an Oregon.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

USC almost lost to Minnesota. USC is no more an impressive win for Stanford than Boise beating Georgia. That was my point. The BCS using Stanford's win over USC to justify jumping Boise in the rankings is complete bullshit.