Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wi...Just Your Kids. Male Kids.

"Imma poke ya in yer penis!"




Can you believe that book title is real?!  Holy fuck sauce!  Thanks for making this post that much more hilarious, inappropriate sexual innuendos.  Oh gosh.  Where to begin today?  Heard any good rape jokes lately?  Stop me if you've heard this one.  A Penn State assistant coach walks into a locker room and face fucks the 13 year old towel boy thus driving him to constant contemplation of suicide...
Oh...you've heard it.  Fuck.  Okay.  What about this one?  A Penn State assistant coach uses a charity for at-risk youths as a cover up for his adolescent male brothel enterprise...Really?!  You've heard that one too?  Well, shit.  I've got nothing then.  Here's a better question.  Who wants to party at Jerry Sandusky's house?  It's a teenage utopia filled with tit mags, drugs/alcohol and porno DVDs.  But by the time you make the connection that it's the wrong kind of porno it's too late.  You're already deeply rooted in the restrictive web of forced homo sex.  I bet he has ecstasy candy necklaces on every last night stand in the joint.  Also, I would avoid drinking anything since it's most likely spiked with a rape accelerator.  Wait...it's not rape if you tape their mouth shut and threaten to kill them if they tell anyone about the game of "hide the weenus" you just played.  Right?  On that note, let's talk winners and losers.  Losers first.

Losers

Chris Spielman (Neanderthal Announcer) - John Waters hides his homosexuality better than Spielman hides his hatred for Michigan.  Kudos to the skid mark who allowed this homer fuck to announce a game of his arch rival.  That's like having Ide referee an And-1 tournament in Los Angeles.  Granted, Michigan didn't do much right on Saturday, but they pay you to be unbiased...not to pounce on every chance to fillet the Michigan offensive scheme.  Newsflash.  It's worked all year, dick mouth.  Just because it doesn't work as good one week doesn't translate to scrapping the game plan forever.  Stick to what you know, Spielman:  crayons, sand castles, ThunderCats pajamas and farting in the bathtub.

Over used announcer cliches - It's time to finally bury phrases like, "pin your ears back" and "punched in the mouth" when talking about football.  It was clever at first, but fuck...come up with something new already.  Mark May abuses these phrases better than Jerry Sandusky sucks 12 year old cocks.  I would think after all these years we would evolve a touch on the announcing side of things.  I guess it doesn't help when networks constantly employ former players/coaches who are 90% brain dead.  I sometimes wonder if Lou Holtz's heart would cave in if someone shined a light directly into his eye.  Or would he morph into a soul sucking Imp sent by Satan to birth the End of Days?  I would chance it just for the gamble of a life sans-Holtz.  Unless we're talking fake Lou Holtz.  He can stay.  But that's me.  /lisp noise

America, after the LSU/Alabama game - Bor-fuckin-ring.  That is unless you're a hundred years old and have no idea you've been sitting in your own piss for the last 2 hours.  Then I'm sure this game got you more jacked than Jerry Sandusky at a junior high wrestling match.  I heard he tapes his dick to his leg in the parking lot no one can spot the erection as he watches young sweaty men tear each other apart.  Smart.  Anyone that says they love a defensive football game is a fucking liar.  Just like Tim Curley.  I enjoyed absolutely nothing about this game...and that's all I'm gonna say so I don't ruin a future post that may happen.  In the future.  By someone other than myself.  Yeah...I'm smooth.

Winners

Gmoney - For correctly calling an obvious Ferentz move leading into Saturday's Michigan meltdown.  Well, you don't really win because the next time I see you I'm going to do something exceedingly villainous to your physical being.  I'm thinking a possible quick throat strike.  Or maybe an uppercut punch directly to the butthole.  I don't even care about getting poop fisted...I will do it.  Fair warning:  Stop helping my team lose.

Alabama - They kept it close enough against LSU to drop only one place and stay ahead of two unbeaten teams in the BCS (*cough* bullshit *cough*).  But on the negative scope it's 2011 and they still enjoy sex with animals and fat, toothless relatives that smell like moonshine Steeler fans.  But they are still an openly racist/sexist state which was probably the deciding factor that kept them 3rd.  Please...like the people in charge of the BCS aren't all at least 65, have dicks and are white supremacists.  I guess sometimes it pays off to shun things like equality.  And ethics.  And modern technology.  And hygiene.  And condoms when fucking your sister.  That's okay though...in Alabama coat hanger abortions are not only legal, but encouraged.  It really ruins the uterus.

Andrew Luck - Heisman winner.  California pussy champion.  First overall NFL draft pick.  Voted best handshake 2011.  American taco authority.  He has it all.  Except a good voice.  I watched an interview with him last Saturday and nearly shat myself laughing.  He sounds like he has peanut butter stuck in the back of his throat, or like he's half choking on a potato.  Or like he's being force fed Jerry Sandusky's Brillo padded vanilla night stick.  BOOM!  And you thought I was done with the J-Sand cock jokes.  But seriously.  Luck sounds fucking ridiculous and should consider getting one of those voice box things that can make him sound like Darth Vader...or Sam Elliott.

By the time you read this, I'll be using Grumpy's fantasy football corpse as a victory cape.  Most of you know that my MSFL team is in the top 5 worst teams ever assembled.  Grumpy and Wigmaster can go cuddle each other in shame while I haunt their dreams.  But hey, chin up, old timer.  At least you had the scrote to play this year.  We all respect you for that.  It's just too bad respect doesn't win you shit around here.  Take comfort in the fact that you have ample time to redeem yourself when The Money Shot Bowl pick em competition thingy starts up.  Most of you expressed interest in this so here's how it's gonna go down.  Don't worry, I'll remind you all again of the rules when it gets closer.

Picks need to be in BEFORE the games start (obvs).  Leave them in the comment section along with your name (obvs again).  We will honor the official spread like Ape did last year since that's how the real men do it.  That also prevents guys like Damman from getting lucky by picking the teams to win that have the most O's, S's and U's in their team name.  Or have the players with the nicest asses.  You know...kinda like how girls pick the NCAA basketball game winners.  The winner gets a prize, picked by me.  No refunds!  Feel free to post your best Jerry Sandusky pedophile jokes in the comment section.  Whoever wins I will like them a little more than I do right now.  Which is not very much.  Stay away from the underage butthole everyone!

42 comments:

Grumpy said...

Good job bringing it today Iceman. How does Jo Pa stay after hiding behind telling his superior? Who doesn't call the police at even the hint of shit like this?

Mr. Ace said...

"Who doesn't call the police at even the hint of shit like this?"

Pederast old men...you should know Grump.

How much do you like me now Iceman?

I actually like it when Spielman calls games. It's not like he was wrong about anything he said. Bringing in Gardner for 6 plays is stupid. Not getting Denard on the outside with a run/pass option in our last four plays was stupid. Going under center all fucking game was stupid.

How much do you like me now Iceman?

GMoney said...

Here are my thoughts:

1. I don't blame Paterno. He didn't see anything (because he hasn't been able to see in 20 years). All he had was a story from a ginger implicating one of his oldest friends as a deviant. It's kind of like that old Chappelle Show bit about R.Kelly. If I'm going to turn in my buddy, I better have ironclad proof.

2. Mike McQueary saw an old man soaping up a 10 year old in the shower, told the coach, saw that nothing really happened, and decided to just keep working at that same place for another decade. Seriously. This all happened. Anybody else think that the Daywalker only witnessed this because he was going to soap up the kid himself but he was beaten to the punch???

3. LAST WEEK, J-Sand was working out at Penn State. Probably kegels, I imagine.

4. It is hilarious that J-Sand is still being seen in public wearing Penn State gear. Just hilarious.

I like Spielman, too. He says a lot of ex-jock shit, but he's honest and more right then wrong.

WHY PLAY DEVIN GARDNER AT ALL??? Now I haven't seen UM play as much as the next chach, but I do know that Denard can take it to the house every time he touches the ball. Gardner only hucks incompletions.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, sometimes I disagree with what Spielman says, but never about X's and O's. I think he is one of the most football knowledgeable commentators there is.

Lastly, the Jerry Sandusky story is disturbing as fuck. I read the grand jury report and I would caution those with a weak stomach to not do the same as it is VERY graphic. There is a special place in He'll (and the prison showers and yards) reserved for Jerry Sandusky.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Li'l Strut reads grand jury reports in his spare time. HOW IS THIS MAN STILL SINGLE???

Anonymous said...

Grumpy...spot on.

"I don't blame Paterno"......You are a fucking idiot. Paterno will have a nice place in hell with Sandusky after this. You do realize that in 1998 they caught wind of him doing shit with boys in showers....and then he just happened to "retire" in 1999. So, then the Ginger catches him raping a kid...tells Joe Pa....and he DOES NOT GO TO THE POLICE. Are you fucking kiddding me that you don't blame him? He's a terrible human being.He knew about shit in 1998 and then covered it up in 2002. Not to mention that 2002 was when he was on rocky times at PSU and getting close to the wins record. He couldn't afford to have that happen on his watch. He put the program before a child...and then who knows how many other kids got fucked/sucked off by this sick fuck Sandusky. You are the 1% that think Paterno doesn't have any guilt in this and that's pathetic.

Strut...I read that grand jury report as well. Disgusting.

Spielman's a very good announcer even if he is an idiot. Funny that Michigan fans have gotten real pissed about his games this year when he ahs done the MSU and Iowa games...the games they lost.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

The difference between Spielman and other announcers is that he just won't let it go. He probably said 15 different times during the game that Gardner shouldn't be playing. He's wrong. Gardner is not only a better passing QB than Denard, he's going to be the quarterback in the very near future. You have to get him meaningful game action before his Junior year or else he'll be a God damn deer in headlights after Denard is gone. Or a running back next year.

Paterno was sane enough to realize back then that "horsing around" in the shower is another term for butthole play. Although he did his job by notifying the AD, he didn't do what he should have by notifying the authorities.

This first comment moved you up, Ape. The second comment moved you back down to your original place...which is equal to picking up dog shit and realizing there's a hole in the bag.

GMoney said...

It's funny because you all think that Paterno has some sort of idea what's going on around him. It's hard for us to wrap our heads around what transpired, can you imagine what is going on in the mind of a 75 year old man hearing this shit for the first time???

Does anyone think he'll lose his job over this though? I don't.

Anonymous said...

My Grandpa is over 75 years old. If I told him that I saw someone he plays tennis with in the shower fucking a child, he would most definitely go tot he police. There is ZERO doubt in my mind that he would. This may be the dumbest stance you have ever taken.

I do think he will lose his job over this. If that means that he just happens to "retire" at the end of the year, he still will lose his job because he was planning on coaching next year.

It's going to be messy in Happy Valley for YEARS with the civil lawsuits that are about to be dropped on Penn State because Joe Pa still let Sandusky run camps and fuck boys in the PSU showers.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

For once, I agree with Drew. Paterno had to have known something was up. If a graduate assistant comes to you and says that he saw an assistant doing some pretty scetchy things in a LOCKER ROOM with a CHILD (those are the key words) then its not your duty as a coach, but as a person to investigate that further. Not just tell the AD something happend and wash your hands of it. Follow up and make sure you cover your own ass by finding out if one of your staff has an unquenchable thirst for 12 year olds. I don't think he'll lose his job, but Paterno isn't as innocent as he's claiming he is.

GMoney said...

I should probably read that grand jury report before I absolve Joe Paterno then, shouldn't I?

Devin Gardner is terrible.

Hey Mr. Ace, DREAM TEAM!

Anonymous said...

They may want to say that Paterno didn't know about what happened in 1998, but there's no fucking way it was just a coincidence that Sanduky left the team in 1999. Then you are told of him fucking a kid in the PSU locker room and you still don't go to the cops? Ridiculous.

Nobody's as guilty as that pussy ass ginger McQueary though. What a piece of shit he is. See thathappening with your own eyes and then run to Daddy for advice? Then you don't do shit when they don't take it to the cops? Fuck him.

As the State Police Commissioner said yesterday. While a couple of people somehow fulfilled their legal obligation...he was disgusted that so many people had knowledge and nobody took it to the cops and he had never seen that before...that's where he threw McQueary and Paterno under the bus.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The Eagles lose and Ace gets swept in two leagues by my superior teams. That may be worse then being one of those kids.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Great post, Iceman. I liked the Andrew Luck section (which was very overshadowed by all the, ya know, rape of boys.)

Drew and everyone who believes Paterno negated his responsibility- you are completely right.

"They may want to say that Paterno didn't know about what happened in 1998, but there's no fucking way it was just a coincidence that Sanduky left the team in 1999. Then you are told of him fucking a kid in the PSU locker room and you still don't go to the cops? Ridiculous."

That is exactly right.

Mr. Ace, Book Hockey Facials, and Michael Vick- how did you enjoy that TAINT BOMB last night? I cannot believe Murder Panties escaped with a win because DeSean Jackson scored zero fucking points. That was awesome.

GMoney said...

OK, that was even worse than I expected. Can you imagine being a janitor and just hating your life anyway but then you walk into a bathroom and there is some old man blowing an 11 year old kid. That would scar me for life.

Holuba Hall should be renamed The Rape Dungeon.

Anyone want to play some Polish Soccer???

And everyone is right, I suppose. Paterno technically didn't do anything wrong, but he should have done more. Hindsight is awesome though.

Andrew Luck is the human version of the Cookie Monster.

Prime99 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prime99 said...

C is for Colts.

Mr. Ace said...

I get that McQueary should have done more, that's a tough situation to wrap your head around. He stood to lose everything if he went to the authorities, and also ruin the reputation of his mentor, JoePa. Obvioulsy, he should have went to the authorities and everybody here would say that's exactly what they would have done, at the very least, but you don't know until you are in that situation.

And you are fucking high if you think this is all that happened. This shit likely went on for the 30 or so years he was at Penn State. Pedophiles usually don't just flip a switch and start raping boys when they turn 50. I would bet there are many more victims that we will never here about.

And think about the victims that are now having this brought up all over again. Most of them would likely rather leave it in their past and get on with their lives, but now will be forced to relive those incidents in the public eye.

100% guaranSHEED that Sandusky gets ass raped to death in prison.

The Iceman said...

Holuba Hall should be renamed The Rape Dungeon.

Great fuckin hustle.


C is for Colts.

Also excellent.


This is why redheads are terrible and no one likes them. They suck the blood out of people, burn and explode in sunlight, keep rape to themselves, suck at coaching, etc. The list is endless. In light of all this rape talk, here is a link that should make you laugh...even if you aren't a Browns fan.

http://youtu.be/tRBDMMVctu8

And yes...that is the longsnapper's jersey he's wearing.

GMoney said...

Good point, Ace. Why the fuck is the media trying to find these victims? That serves no purpose at all unless the point is to ruin these lives even more.

Grumpy said...

The media shouldn't be actively looking for victims, but the prosecutor is going to need them to make a case. Statute of limitations has probably run its course on many of the cases.

McQueary, as a GA, is at least 21-24 years old. Upon witnessing that incident he should have A. Intervened B. Gone to the nearest phone and dialed 911. He doesn't get a free pass on this.

Anonymous said...

I really don't think McQueary should get any pass. If he walked into the locker room and a dog was attacking a kid would he stop it? Yes. But, walking in the locker room and seeing a kid fucking with a man in his 50's you don't do anything? Fuck that noise.

Ape...good point on how long this has been going on. Also, don't forget that Sandusky was bringing these kids on PSU bowl trips and staying at the hotel with them. Fucking gross...all that is under Paterno's watch too. I bet there are dozens of victims.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

If I could ever play/bench the right guys, my MSFL team would be unstoppable. Once I get that shit figured out, the league is mine.

No way JoePa survives this.

-Damman

GMoney said...

His pick-up line was basically:

"We just did some mundane activity. Let's hop in the shower and have bear hug contests."

How awesome would it be if that worked on women? "Boy, that was a good movie, random hot chick, TIME FOR A SOAP FIGHT!"

Prime99 said...

Depending on the woman, I think that line does work, G$.

Anonymous said...

They just canceled Joe Pa's presser. Fucking DISASTER...he can only hide for so long.

Also....

ReeseClarett13 Maurice Clarett
If Joe Paterno 10 yr old grandson was getting pounded out in the shower by Sandusky would the NCAA been the only ppl he told? #hellno

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I think there are too many details around the mcquary witnessing that we will never know of. Apparently the DA was investigating this in 2005, and all of a sudden wound up missing and was later found dead in a river. Sandusky probably had connections to have people killed. This situation is just so bizarre that it's tough to just start bbqing everyone involved because we don't know the details. It's easy to say what they all should have done in hindsight.

I feel bad for joepa and penn state. It sucks for everyone involved to be put in that scenario. This has to be the most embarassing/damaging scandal ever. What a way to end a legendary career!

I can't imagine trying to gameplan for Nebraska with a distraction of this magnitude. Good luck!

Dut

GMoney said...

Thank you, Maurice Clarett, for making me LOL my ass off.

Prime99 said...

Penn State game plan vs. Nebraska:

- Penetrate the gaps
- Spy the tight ends
- Out-muscle young men who resist
- Play dirty and make sure none of the refs see any evidence of said dirty play

Sick fucks. No one should feel bad for JoePa.

Anonymous said...

I laughed at hte thought of feeling bad for Joe Pa. Oh...and that whole "Does anyone think he will lose his job over this? I don't." thing?

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/09/sports/ncaafootball/penn-state-said-to-be-planning-paternos-exit.html?_r=1&src=tp

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — Joe Paterno’s tenure as coach of the Penn State football team will soon be over, perhaps within days or weeks, in the wake of a sex-abuse scandal that has implicated university officials, according to two people briefed on conversations among the university’s top officials.

The board of trustees has yet to determine the precise timing of Paterno’s exit, but it is clear that the man who has more victories than any other coach at college football’s top level and who made Penn State a prestigious brand will not survive to coach another season. Discussions about how to manage his departure have begun, according to the two people.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

God damn. This is really happening. Good post, Drew. And even better call on Paterno getting fired in the preseason...although you mentioned nothing about a tennage boy sex scandal. Minus 1 point.

Mr. Ace said...

....Drew, were you a young boy who was involved with The Second Mile charity?

That would explain a lot.

Anonymous said...

Fortunately, I was not Ape. But, I think it's pretty obvious when there was a media firestorm to get Tressel fired after he didn't report tattoos to his bosses....that there is going to be an even bigger media firestorm over Paterno not reporting his buddy for butt fucking a child in the PSU locker room to police...which in turn let creepy Sandusky keep running his charity...I mean personal dating service and screw more kids.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out he's not gonna last this.

--Drew

GMoney said...

BOLD PREDICTION:
This will literally kill Paterno. He will be dead by next Christmas. Mark it down.

For what it's worth, I don't necessarily think that he should be fired, but he should definitely step down. A firing makes him a victim (in a way).

The Penn State football program is done as we know it. It will take 20 years at least for this to begin to wear off. Who would send their kid here? Why would anyone want to play there? It's over.

I heard someone call Rome today and say that after all the lawsuits, Penn State (the university) will be fucking broke. Interesting.

GMoney said...

I should clarify that "victim" was not the right word there. Stepping down on his own lets the world know that he has a soul and that he knows that its the right thing to do. Getting fired tells me that he has no remorse over this.

GMoney said...

Speaking of sexual deviants getting what they deserve, the Patriots released Albert Haynesworth today. He was worthless just as I predicted. Remember kids, Bill Belichick is not that great anymore (which none of you agreed with when I said it earlier this year).

Anonymous said...

Isn't there a saying that "gingers don't have souls"? McQueary is trying to prove this with his inactions.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Someone tell OchoFuckFace he's next. Maybe if he concentrated on stuff like, oh...I don't know, football...instead of creating fuckin made up fairy tale nicknames for himself he would be better than terrible. He can't use age as an excuse either. It's common for WRs to be good well into their 30s. His suckiness makes me happy. Fuckin hate that guy.

Prime99 said...

I just listened to Rome and Dan Patrick for a little bit, and it mad me so angry I had to turn it off. Fuck all these assholes. They should roast for this.

Also, why is the chick from "Strangers With Candy" the attorney for Tim Curley?

Anonymous said...

Ocho was too busy trying to see if he was good enough to play in the MLS, remember? What a retard.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

No doubt Prime. They need to set that whole fucking place on fire it's so filthy what they covered up. They are going to lose MILLIONS in civil suits due to this.

--Drew

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