"Imma poke ya in yer penis!"
Can you believe that book title is real?! Holy fuck sauce! Thanks for making this post that much more hilarious, inappropriate sexual innuendos. Oh gosh. Where to begin today? Heard any good rape jokes lately? Stop me if you've heard this one. A Penn State assistant coach walks into a locker room and face fucks the 13 year old towel boy thus driving him to constant contemplation of suicide...
Oh...you've heard it. Fuck. Okay. What about this one? A Penn State assistant coach uses a charity for at-risk youths as a cover up for his adolescent male brothel enterprise...Really?! You've heard that one too? Well, shit. I've got nothing then. Here's a better question. Who wants to party at Jerry Sandusky's house? It's a teenage utopia filled with tit mags, drugs/alcohol and porno DVDs. But by the time you make the connection that it's the wrong kind of porno it's too late. You're already deeply rooted in the restrictive web of forced homo sex. I bet he has ecstasy candy necklaces on every last night stand in the joint. Also, I would avoid drinking anything since it's most likely spiked with a rape accelerator. Wait...it's not rape if you tape their mouth shut and threaten to kill them if they tell anyone about the game of "hide the weenus" you just played. Right? On that note, let's talk winners and losers. Losers first.
Chris Spielman (Neanderthal Announcer) - John Waters hides his homosexuality better than Spielman hides his hatred for Michigan. Kudos to the skid mark who allowed this homer fuck to announce a game of his arch rival. That's like having Ide referee an And-1 tournament in Los Angeles. Granted, Michigan didn't do much right on Saturday, but they pay you to be unbiased...not to pounce on every chance to fillet the Michigan offensive scheme. Newsflash. It's worked all year, dick mouth. Just because it doesn't work as good one week doesn't translate to scrapping the game plan forever. Stick to what you know, Spielman: crayons, sand castles, ThunderCats pajamas and farting in the bathtub.
Over used announcer cliches - It's time to finally bury phrases like, "pin your ears back" and "punched in the mouth" when talking about football. It was clever at first, but fuck...come up with something new already. Mark May abuses these phrases better than Jerry Sandusky sucks 12 year old cocks. I would think after all these years we would evolve a touch on the announcing side of things. I guess it doesn't help when networks constantly employ former players/coaches who are 90% brain dead. I sometimes wonder if Lou Holtz's heart would cave in if someone shined a light directly into his eye. Or would he morph into a soul sucking Imp sent by Satan to birth the End of Days? I would chance it just for the gamble of a life sans-Holtz. Unless we're talking fake Lou Holtz. He can stay. But that's me. /lisp noise
America, after the LSU/Alabama game - Bor-fuckin-ring. That is unless you're a hundred years old and have no idea you've been sitting in your own piss for the last 2 hours. Then I'm sure this game got you more jacked than Jerry Sandusky at a junior high wrestling match. I heard he tapes his dick to his leg in the parking lot no one can spot the erection as he watches young sweaty men tear each other apart. Smart. Anyone that says they love a defensive football game is a fucking liar. Just like Tim Curley. I enjoyed absolutely nothing about this game...and that's all I'm gonna say so I don't ruin a future post that may happen. In the future. By someone other than myself. Yeah...I'm smooth.
Gmoney - For correctly calling an obvious Ferentz move leading into Saturday's Michigan meltdown. Well, you don't really win because the next time I see you I'm going to do something exceedingly villainous to your physical being. I'm thinking a possible quick throat strike. Or maybe an uppercut punch directly to the butthole. I don't even care about getting poop fisted...I will do it. Fair warning: Stop helping my team lose.
Alabama - They kept it close enough against LSU to drop only one place and stay ahead of two unbeaten teams in the BCS (*cough* bullshit *cough*). But on the negative scope it's 2011 and they still enjoy sex with animals and fat, toothless relatives that smell like
Andrew Luck - Heisman winner. California pussy champion. First overall NFL draft pick. Voted best handshake 2011. American taco authority. He has it all. Except a good voice. I watched an interview with him last Saturday and nearly shat myself laughing. He sounds like he has peanut butter stuck in the back of his throat, or like he's half choking on a potato. Or like he's being force fed Jerry Sandusky's Brillo padded vanilla night stick. BOOM! And you thought I was done with the J-Sand cock jokes. But seriously. Luck sounds fucking ridiculous and should consider getting one of those voice box things that can make him sound like Darth Vader...or Sam Elliott.
By the time you read this, I'll be using Grumpy's fantasy football corpse as a victory cape. Most of you know that my MSFL team is in the top 5 worst teams ever assembled. Grumpy and Wigmaster can go cuddle each other in shame while I haunt their dreams. But hey, chin up, old timer. At least you had the scrote to play this year. We all respect you for that. It's just too bad respect doesn't win you shit around here. Take comfort in the fact that you have ample time to redeem yourself when The Money Shot Bowl pick em competition thingy starts up. Most of you expressed interest in this so here's how it's gonna go down. Don't worry, I'll remind you all again of the rules when it gets closer.
Picks need to be in BEFORE the games start (obvs). Leave them in the comment section along with your name (obvs again). We will honor the official spread like Ape did last year since that's how the real men do it. That also prevents guys like Damman from getting lucky by picking the teams to win that have the most O's, S's and U's in their team name. Or have the players with the nicest asses. You know...kinda like how girls pick the NCAA basketball game winners. The winner gets a prize, picked by me. No refunds! Feel free to post your best Jerry Sandusky pedophile jokes in the comment section. Whoever wins I will like them a little more than I do right now. Which is not very much. Stay away from the underage butthole everyone!