Thursday, November 10, 2011

Happy Trails, Joe Paterno

You would think that someone with a low moral compass (such as myself) might be able to get over what’s going on in central PA. Well, you would be wrong. In fact, the more that it’s being discussed, the more it still pisses me off. I’m glad that heads are going to roll over this. Whatever happens is 100% deserved. So, obviously, the big news yesterday was that Joe Paterno is finally going to retire at season’s end. We’ll see if he even makes it that far. If the Penn State board of trustees had any stones, they would tell Joe AND Mike McQueary to stay home forever because their services are no longer needed. Hopefully, the media pressure forces the board to do this because you know damn well that they won’t on their own.

Anyway, Joseph Moses Paterno’s coaching career has come/is coming to an end. From purely a professional standpoint, this has to be tough. When you’ve been doing something for 61 years, it can’t be easy to just walk away. And that is where I come in to play. JoePa likely wants to stay busy still and I’m more than willing to help. Consider this blog to now be a head-hunting service for octogenarians, so to speak. I’ve come up with a list of ten ideal jobs/activities for Joe Paterno now that his “coaching” days are over:

1. NFL Replay Assistant Helper Guy – It seems like this job is all the rage with disgraced former college coaching icons. Lovie Smith could use all the help with challenges that he can get and Joe is used to sitting in the box anyway.
2. Shuffleboard Hustler – A classic old person game if there ever was one. I’m talking about the type on the court and not inside bars, by the way.
3. Wal-Mart Greeter – 84 years old might be a little young for this job actually (just how Jerry Sandusky likes 'em). I think the main requirement for this position is “not having fully-functional legs”.
4. CIA Operative – I would imagine that this job requires secrecy and expert ability at making things disappear. He has plenty of experience doing that!
5. Food Blogger – The internet could use a new voice (if Joe can figure out how to turn on his Apple IIGS) on the topic of oatmeal, bran, and rice pudding. Joe would probably want the moniker “Grumpy” though and some asshole already took that name.

6. Adult Film Star – “Jurassic Cocks” is totally a real thing. Apparently, there is a section of deviants out there that like watching dirty old men plowing hot young chicks. This is one genre that I do not support. It’s still better than dirty old defensive coordinators doing gross shit. That is another genre that I do not support.
7. Gerry Sandusky Apologist – The radio commentator for the Ravens is named Gerry Sandusky (not Jerry like the rapist). Imagine how shitty that guy’s life just got and he didn’t do anything! Joe should move next door to this guy and apologize every day for ruining his name.
8. Product Endorser – Why not? We all saw how great he was in those Big Ten Network ads, why not throw his support behind some companies. Need an oil change, come to Quaker STAAAAAAAAAAAAATE. Got eye problems, get LAAAAAAAAAAASIK. Contact the police if you are a victim of RAAAAAAAAAPE. Whoops.  Dammit, stop making jokes about this!
9. Pants Pooper – Not really a career, mind you, but I’m sure that people would pay to watch a famous person shit himself. I would. Probably just once though. Actually, yes, I can confirm that I would pay $100 to watch Joe Paterno shit his pants one time. I’d bet that the face he makes would be priceless.
10. ESPN Analyst – How about we finally give Desmond Howard something to do by re-creating the “magic” of the Dr. Lou/May Day pairing? Mark May is a fuckstick. Fire him. Let Joe and Desmond start arguing with each other…maybe Wendi Nix could host and be all sexy-like. I would watch this, I think.

You’re probably asking yourself, “Was this a mail-in post?” Yes. The answer to that question is a resounding yes. I spent last night watching America’s favorite new pastime, November Weeknight MAC Football. It was either “post making fun of Joe Paterno ‘retiring’” or “live blog of Miami/Temple”. Consider yourself lucky. But if you would like to talk about that game, don’t let me discourage you!

28 comments:

Grumpy said...

Miami has the worst OL in the world. McQueary should never coach again. I love porn with old women getting plowed by anybody.

I am not an asshole.

Anonymous said...

Yes you are.

Mail in post indeed. Not even topical.

Ide

GMoney said...

Joe Paterno isn't topical? Anyone that can make Matt Millen bawl on TV will always be topical.

Shame on those Penn State students for rioting with no reason at all last night.

Miami's OL is mos def terrible. They should not have lost that game (although I did make the Wig Master money by telling him to take the points).

Our TRIVIA TEAM is getting back together tonight!!! Over/under on Penn State-related team names: 4.5. I hope that there's another question asked about the Tigers so Dut can be the most confident wrong guy ever.

GMoney said...

Just a couple off the top of my head:

*No means Paterno
*Sandusky's Musk
*Smear the McQueary
*We Just Got A Questions Right, Time To Hit The Showers

Anonymous said...

He was fired!

Names for trivia should go as follows:

How old is 10 really?
Soap fight!
We were just wrestling
Second Miles
I like raping black children. Go Lions.

Ide

GMoney said...

He wasn't fired at 4 pm yesterday and I'll be damned if I go edit anything at 11 pm. Bo Ryan wants you to deal with it.

Anonymous said...

I called Paterno getting fired over this on Sunday morning. I also called him losing his job in the middle of the season in the college football preview. Lots of winning going on for Drew right now due to this child rapist scandal.

U.S. News and World Report should immediately update their rankings with a big Penn State drop this morning due to their students rioting over a child rapist enabler.

That PSU Board Of Trustees guy that was doing the Q&A last night was a fucking boss. He's the only person at PSU that looks good after this. I read he's the President of U.S. Steel...buy some stock in that company. That guy is a winner.

I think Joe Pa should live with Grumpy as a job.

--Drew

GMoney said...

1. You predicted that he would die so you get no points...yet.

2. I liked the tone of that press conference. Every media member that asked a question sounded like they wanted to murder someone. They were screaming at the board. That was great.

3. I will never understand how some people can love a football coach so goddamn much that they completely lose self-control over him. The Penn State Student Body will not be nominated for Money Shot Man of the Year this year.

Anonymous said...

Oh I definitely get those points. His soul is dead and so is the sould of PSU football. This nigga called it.

This could get even crazier if this is true...

Mengus22 Mark Ennis
Investigative journalists are looking into reports that Sandusky pimped out kids to wealthy donors to his charity!?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

In an unrelated but great note, I have the honors of posting on the DFL board. It may be the best power rankings ever crafted.

Ide

Prime99 said...

The quiz team names are LOL material...

Then I read what Drew wrote about Sandusky being the Big Daddy Kane of 10 year olds... That is fucked up.

GMoney said...

Mengus22 Mark Ennis
Investigative journalists are looking into reports that Sandusky pimped out kids to wealthy donors to his charity!?


WE ARE. PENN STATE.

Why exactly is Mike McGinger still coaching this team? He and his dad can use as many excuses as they want, but he pretty much had this reaction; "Oh! Sorry to interrupt you, Coach and Little Boy. Please continue. Don't mind me." And then he went in his office and cried for awhile.

GMoney said...

Ide, why are you doing the rankings? It's not like you have a 2 game lead on the entire league and will be wrapping up a playoff spot this week after killing Damman's butthole. Then again, my rankings would suck since I would rank Caylee Anthony Makeout Party #1-13 with everyone else a tie for last.

Ace said...

Jerry's book hockey party.
Jerry's pimp hand

Pretty pumped for trivia night.

Penn State has the worst rioters ever.

Anonymous said...

Trivia night is back!!! Woooo!!! I'll try to get us a table at 6:40.

IDE- I better be #1, bitch.

The leader of the board was gettin slammed, and gave it right back. He should be the face of the blog.

Sandusky is innocent I tell ya!

I'll take the over on penn state related names tonight. Can't wait.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Can we get Sandusky's face added to the Money Shot banner?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Potential trivia names:

1. Nittany Liars
2. The Second Mile

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Drew, you'll have to ask Ace for that. I'm a fucktard when it comes to photoshopping.

I just nominated "Second Mile High Club" as trivia team name for tonight. It seems to be going over quite well.

Anonymous said...

What about "Pedophile State University"? I do like "Second Mile High Club", though.

-Lil' strut

Anonymous said...

"Line-Backer U? More like Butt-Fucker U"

"Joe Pa Has 10 Year Old Boy's Butt Blood On His Hands"

--Drew

The Iceman said...

How does Jerry Sandusky make a 12 year old boy cry twice? Use the kid's teddy bear to wipe the blood off his dick.

Be sure to tip your waitresses.

GMoney said...

KSK did it. They made something about this story absolutely hilarious.

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2011/11/now-with-us-the-very-public-face-of-grief.html

Just do it.

Grumpy said...

Will I be invited for a guest appearance on a Trivia Night this year?

GMoney said...

Grumpy, you were worthless!

CONFIRMED FOR THIS EVENING: Dut, Mr. Ace, G$, Li'l Strut, Li'l Poopson
PROBABLE: Mr. Ace's Black Buddy, Ide
QUESTIONABLE: Drew, Damman
DOUBTFUL: Dut getting a question correct
OUT: Grumpy

Anonymous said...

Grump- you're always invited. Bring your rapin ass down tonight!

The real question is... Will ace bring the fly for our cereal bowl!?

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Unfortunately, my #1 black go to guy is in Spain(Yes, a cultured young black man). I figured if Ide was involved then minorities shouldn't be considered.

GMoney said...

Ide is to black people as Jerry Sandusky is to little boys. This is on the SAT.

Dane Morrow said...

Best Comic Books For Investment - Top Comic Books To Invest In Smaller investors should target mutual funds for their lower acquisition costs. You certainly want the best people to work for you, but you also don't want people to work for you who might be tremendous liabilities.