Anyway, Joseph Moses Paterno’s coaching career has come/is coming to an end. From purely a professional standpoint, this has to be tough. When you’ve been doing something for 61 years, it can’t be easy to just walk away. And that is where I come in to play. JoePa likely wants to stay busy still and I’m more than willing to help. Consider this blog to now be a head-hunting service for octogenarians, so to speak. I’ve come up with a list of ten ideal jobs/activities for Joe Paterno now that his “coaching” days are over:
1. NFL Replay Assistant Helper Guy – It seems like this job is all the rage with disgraced former college coaching icons. Lovie Smith could use all the help with challenges that he can get and Joe is used to sitting in the box anyway.
2. Shuffleboard Hustler – A classic old person game if there ever was one. I’m talking about the type on the court and not inside bars, by the way.
3. Wal-Mart Greeter – 84 years old might be a little young for this job actually (
4. CIA Operative – I would imagine that this job requires secrecy and expert ability at making things disappear. He has plenty of experience doing that!
5. Food Blogger – The internet could use a new voice (if Joe can figure out how to turn on his Apple IIGS) on the topic of oatmeal, bran, and rice pudding. Joe would probably want the moniker “Grumpy” though and some asshole already took that name.
6. Adult Film Star – “Jurassic Cocks” is totally a real thing. Apparently, there is a section of deviants out there that like watching dirty old men plowing hot young chicks. This is one genre that I do not support. It’s still better than dirty old defensive coordinators doing gross shit. That is another genre that I do not support.
7. Gerry Sandusky Apologist – The radio commentator for the Ravens is named Gerry Sandusky (not Jerry like the rapist). Imagine how shitty that guy’s life just got and he didn’t do anything! Joe should move next door to this guy and apologize every day for ruining his name.
8. Product Endorser – Why not? We all saw how great he was in those Big Ten Network ads, why not throw his support behind some companies. Need an oil change, come to Quaker STAAAAAAAAAAAAATE. Got eye problems, get LAAAAAAAAAAASIK.
9. Pants Pooper – Not really a career, mind you, but I’m sure that people would pay to watch a famous person shit himself. I would. Probably just once though. Actually, yes, I can confirm that I would pay $100 to watch Joe Paterno shit his pants one time. I’d bet that the face he makes would be priceless.
10. ESPN Analyst – How about we finally give Desmond Howard something to do by re-creating the “magic” of the Dr. Lou/May Day pairing? Mark May is a fuckstick. Fire him. Let Joe and Desmond start arguing with each other…maybe Wendi Nix could host and be all sexy-like. I would watch this, I think.
You’re probably asking yourself, “Was this a mail-in post?” Yes. The answer to that question is a resounding yes. I spent last night watching America’s favorite new pastime, November Weeknight MAC Football. It was either “post making fun of Joe Paterno ‘retiring’” or “live blog of Miami/Temple”. Consider yourself lucky. But if you would like to talk about that game, don’t let me discourage you!