After careful consideration (actually took me about 3 seconds) I decided to reward Ace for his verbal anal uppercutting of Drew leading up to the Michigan vs. Ohio game on Wednesday. Well, that and probably because everything he has to say is exactly what I'll have to say. What he left out/needed correcting, I added in parentheses. Here's what Mark Wahlberg's number one fan was thinking after the game this past Saturday.
Good morning, Fuckeye fucktards. It is your former captain speaking, Mr. Ace (Ape). And let me just say, IT'S GREAT TO BE A MICHIGAN WOLVERINE! I don't think there is any point in talking about The Game. We all saw what happened. The better team won. But I would like to focus on a couple (bitter and childish) reactions from the Fuckeye faithful.
Damman (Urban Meyer's personal blow up doll, ready and willing to be fucked in all holes on film): "A note to all Michigan fans: Ohio
Damman (covered in semen): "Congrats Michigan, you beat a 6-5 team (that was picked unanimously by ALL fans to finish in the top 10)."
Lil Poopson (apparent literary wizard): "If Braxton (Tate Forcier) could make throws in stride! If you think change is coming Michigan your dumb (used "your" wrong when referring to dumb Michigan fans. Very credible accusation). 365 days until the streak begins again."
Lil Poopson (puts down application to Head Start and bandages knuckles) : "Talk is cheap see ya at the shoe next year!!! N we won't be starving, just looking for desert (?? Desert? To bury the hookers in your crawl space?)."
I responded to Lil Poopson's last comment with, "Talk IS cheap...40-34." Dagger.
Worst fanbase in the fucking world. Everything that I said Wednesday still applies today. How many games until Urban Meyer has a heart attack/cheats on his wife (gets caught naked Skyping with Dut) and is forced to quit? Seven? I'm glad Urban Meyer took this job. When Michigan runs through Columbus (with BitchRod's recruits) on the way to the Rose Bowl next year it will make it that much sweeter. No more fucking excuses (but we'll hear them anyway because Ohio fans love listening to themselves bitch more than they love beating up women). Urban Meyer is Jesus Fucking Christ, right? Nothing but undefeated seasons and unicorn gang bangs in Columbus from now on. Let the delusions of grandeur begin (continue).
But I have just one question for Urban Meyer and the Fuckeye Fucktards; WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN HOKE-A-MANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU? Now excuse me while I plan my trip to New Orleans.
Thank you Ace. Well said, as always. But you left out that Brady Hoke's 2012 recruiting class currently ranks #1 in all of college football. So there's that. Now that we have that out of the way let's talk about this weekend's conference title games...well the ones that matter anyway...while Drew puts everything in his life on hold to go look up things that were said in comment sections 4 years ago.
ACC - I wonder if I jumped off Beamer's neck I would soar 50 feet in the air like in the movie Flubber. I bet I would...or can it pick up ink from newspapers like silly putty? One or the other has to be correct. Rematch game for Beamer and the Fighting Fake Necks, here. Clemson comes in losing 3 of their last 4 including a horrible loss to NC State. In a stat I just made up for this paragraph, Beamer is 24-1 when facing a team a second time in the same season that he lost to the first time. Based on this completely false information I'm taking Va. Tech to beat Clemson in this one.
Fake Necks 27 Clemson 13
Big 10 (12) - Another revenge game and another chance for Kirk Cousins to show the world how a dickless, no talent, fucking girl throws. My first prediction is Colon Cowturd has a Kirk Cousins thong that he smells every night before bed. My second prediction is that William Gholston tries to dig out someones intestines with his bare hands. Wisconsin had chances to win this game the first time around but blew it in magnificent fashion. Also, Michigan needs Sparty to win this game to have a shot at a BCS game so naturally Wisconsin will do what they couldn't seem to do the first time around....which is win.
Wisconsin 24 Michigan State 17
Pac-12 - What a fuckin weird conference title game. USC can't play in it because OJ Mayo and Reggie Bush both bombed a school full of children then raped the charred remains...or something like that. But secretly, I think it's to support the NCAA's anit-dick lovers campaign. Sorry Matt Barkley. Go promote your boner pop-up book elsewhere. THEN we have the #4 ranked team in the country that won't be playing in it because their only loss is to the team that IS playing in it...Oregon. So that leaves us with UCLA putting on a clinic against the #9 Ducks on how to get beat by a hundred and fifty. And Chip once again shows us that just because your last name is Kelly, doesn't mean you have to act like a sociopath going through hard narcotics withdrawal.
Oregon 49 UCLA 3
SEC - After a couple deflating losses to start the season, Georgia has come roaring back and earned the right to get butthole caved by LSU. You'll be able to hear the skin rip from across the country. Think about this Georgia fans...Mark Richt will be keeping his job for at least 3 more years because of this year. I would be punching myself in the balls until I passed out right about now if I were a Bulldog fan. This LSU team might be the best overall team we've ever seen and will not be losing this year. But on the flip side, Les Miles is an NCAA scandal waiting to happen and I wouldn't be surprised if we found out some raunchy shit about him in the next few years. Like he makes 70 year old women crap in his mouth. LSU rolls and Corso says "fuck it" again on national television.
LSU 38 Georgia 10
Once again, a special thank you to Grape Ape for taking 3 minutes out of his day to contribute. You can go back to your scat porn now. I'm sure all you Fuckeye fans loved it. On another positive note, Define Rape claimed another victim (pending the best game of Brandon Jacobs career) this past weekend and gave Ide's team nuclear AIDS. Your may not win another game after me. My stench is that powerful. I ruin fuckers...like Drew's breath. Alright faggots, that's all from me. I would start a count of how many days it's been since Ohio last beat Michigan but I'm not a superhero homosexual like Fuckeye fans are. Eat shit.