Friday, November 04, 2011

A Great Post To Read On The Toilet...

As I promised yesterday, today we will be previewing tomorrow night's National Championship game. But first, let's talk about shitting, shall we? I bet you didn't see that coming! About a year and a half ago, I wrote a lovely post about office bathroom etiquette. You can read it HERE. And daddy needs to get paid so please click that link a few times today. I wanted to add a few things (that I have noticed recently in my new building) to that glorious list of 8 bathroom rules .

9. Don't jerk off in the work bathroom - I added this rule in the comment section on that day linked. It still applies today.  Save your Wayne Chism's for your own time.

10. You are in a No Clog Zone - I am not kidding. Three times last week, I went in to take care of some business, looked into "my" stall, and it was clogged. THREE times. Who does this? It looked like the perpetrator used a roll of TP each time. Look, buddy, if you can't finish a wipe in 4-5 strokes then just get comfortable because you aren't done shitting. A grown man can not possibly be that oblivious to think that after 15 attempts at the wipe that the wads are just going to go down the drain. What an asshole.

11. What you read is YOURS - Some (I assume) old guy has a knack of bringing the newspaper into the head with him sometimes. Whatever, people have been doing that for years. But when you are done in there, take it out with you. Don't just leave it on the fucking floor for the next guy like he's actually going to read something laying on pee-stained tile. That's disgusting. If you bring it in, take it out. The bathroom is not a fucking library.

There. I feel better. Fellas, it isn't that hard to be a gentleman in the restroom. Now, onto the predictions:

Michigan @ Iowa - I am so sick and fucking tired of people calling Kirk Ferentz a great coach. HE IS AVERAGE AT BEST. Want proof? OK.
1. He has won 59% of his games while at Iowa which equates to a 7-5 season every year.
2. In the last five years, Iowa has lost NINE times...when they were DOUBLE DIGIT FAVORITES.
#2 there might be the most pathetic stat I've ever seen. But this is Ferentz that we're talking about and after a horseshit loss to Flipper and the Gophers last weekend, you know damn well that the Hawkeyes win tomorrow so people can once again praise this asshole. Iowa wins 27-23.

Indiana @ Ohio State - I'm not sure why this wasn't the homecoming game but whatevs. If you are still paying attention to this game in the third quarter then you have serious problems. OSU 41-10.

South Carolina @ Arkansas - Did you know that these two teams are both ranked in the top ten? It's true. Jesus, College Football is having a pretty shitty season this year, no? This game will be boring as fuck. Arkansas 16-10.

Kansas State @ Oklahoma State - The Cowboys are going to keep slaughtering fools which will make their Bedlam loss look like a choke. KSU got exposed last week by an offense not nearly as good as the one they face tomorrow. THEEEEE OSU 55-20.

#1 LSU @ #2 Alabama - Let's all be honest here, we have not watched either of these teams play this season while sober. It's OK, we can admit it. I couldn't name one player on Bama besides Richardson and McCarron and the only the QBs for LSU are known to me. So what do I know?
*Les Miles is overdue to coach like a 'tard.
*Jordan Jefferson deserves to lose.
*Kiper says that every starter on LSU's defense could play in the NFL (impressive!).
*While google searching "LSU Girl" and "Alabama Girl", my penis preferred the LSU option.
*LSU is the best road night team in the country (TRUE! Cowherd said so!).
*Alabama has the best running back in the country.
*Bama has just as good of a defense.
*They are playing at home.
*Nick Saban is an asshole but I trust him more than Lester the Molester.

That is what I know. The line opened at Bama -5 which confused me. I figured it would be a field goal at most. You would think that the public would sway the line down in favor of LSU but it has remained fairly steady all week. What does that mean? The smart guys in Vegas like the Tide. Which means you should like the Tide because those guys actually know what they're doing. Should be a good one, Alabama 27-20.

Thoughts? Picks to click? More bathroom rules? You know where to flush 'em. See y'all on Monday.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

No joy on your office shitter etiquette link
-Dave

Grumpy said...

I'll take LSU and the points. I like it when someone leaves me the sports page in the stall.

Anonymous said...

Proper etiquette when leaving a newspaper is to hang it on that cripple bar. Anything else is just uncivilized.

Ide

GMoney said...

Link fixed, Dave...my apologies.

If you are going to leave it, I suppose the bar is the best place but it still doesn't make it right. I don't want to hold something that you were holding while dropping off the Cosby Kids.

Anonymous said...

I honestly think it's impossible to clog up our toilet at work...industrial toilet. I think I could dump five pounds of shit into it and it would suck it all up.

Just to gross you guys out a bit. I love eating peanuts...and I eat a good amount of them with the shell still on the peanut...cuz' that's the saltiest part. Well, a couple weeks ago I must have done a terrible job of chewing the peanut shells the night before...because when they came out the next day it felt like razor blades were cutting through my ass-hole. For the next four days or so...any shit produced a piece of toilet paper that looked like my butt was on a period. It was terrible, but it finally went away when I went two days without shitting...it healed in that 48 hour window. I have vowed to curb my peanut eating ways...we shall see.

I think Bama is gonna win a close one, but I'm gonna root for the grass eater and his skull punting QB.

I think Michigan wins by 2 TD's. Iowa lost to fucking Minnesota.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, I don't think I will ever eat peanuts again now. And that sucks because peanuts are amazing. I am VERY happy that you had a bleeding asshole for awhile though.

Losing to Twitchy last week and then beating Hokeamania would totes be a Ferentz thing to do though, right?

REDHAWK FOOTBALL CAN NOT BE STOPPED*!!! WE COMIN' FO YOU GIMP ASS, BERNARD PIERCE!


*Mizzou, BG, Minny, UC, and UT excluded

Anonymous said...

So, you dabble in the practice of eating peanuts with the shell still on as well? Definitely tastier than just cracking them open and eating the peanut. Obviously if you just eat the peanut you will not run the risk of the bloody butt hole.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Kiper also said that Joe Flacco was a can't miss NFL prospect.

No fucking way Michigan loses to Ferentz. If your QB shares the last name of a white cross country runner I graduated high school with, you have no chance.

This doesn't pertain to shitting but is still bathroom related. If I'm pissing at a stall all the way to the right (where I normally go) and some fucking joker comes and pisses right next to me when EVERY OTHER STALL is open. I do my best to fart as loudly as I possibly can while he's next to me. Some privacy please. Fag.

GMoney said...

Iceman pisses in stalls because he sits down to pee.

Who eats shells other than cavemen? I bet Joe Girardi eats the shells? Just the delicious nut-meat please.

UPDATE: Just got warned by a guy sitting near me to not go in the restroom. Why? BECAUSE SOMEONE SHIT ON THE FLOOR. A grown man shit on the bathroom floor of my office building this morning. Please nuke us, China.

Iceman, with V-Twin at QB, I'm betting my house on the Hawkeyes.

Grumpy said...

I'll never look at Drew the same way again.

The Iceman said...

Sitting down to pee is another way to celebrate laziness. I'm in.

I didn't mean stall...I meant urinal. Same thing pretty much. Except you can't crap in a urinal...unless you're a fucking disgusting freak.

Anonymous said...

G$...Surprisingly lots of people eat the shells. Us people with salt addictions find the tastiest way.

I do not sit down to pee, but I bet Grumpy does.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I just read this on the shitter.. And I wiped 8 times. That is not normal, but sometimes you get the ones where you could wipe for days and it's still not enough. I believe this is called mud butt.

I'm tAking lsu and the points. Money in the bank. Also, since I am hitting 73% this year, I figured id help you losers out. Take lsu, Oregon, okie st, Stanford, USC, and Ohio state. Pay me in bud.

Dut

Grumpy said...

Sure I sit down to pee, but so would you if you had my prostate.

Anonymous said...

I sit down to pee conditionally. If im at a girls house, or drunk (unless at a bar, fuck that), or I have some time to kill at work (right now), or at the middle of the night. Say what you will about that last one but the area on or around my shitter is pristine due to these simple rules. Why do I have these rules you ask? My answer is, fuck you, racist.

Ide

GMoney said...

Update: Just did some investigating about this floor-poop and, yep, still there underneath the handicapped shitter. It's sizable...probably about an inch and a half in circumference. It's been sitting there for at least 5 hours now. Glad to see that the janitorial staff (AKA Mexicans) are on top of this.

Dut likes the favorites...WHAT A BOLD CALL! You know what I like? Schiesse porn.

Anonymous said...

So its reasonable to assume that you broke your own rule of masturbating in the bathroom?

Ide

Anonymous said...

I like the favorites with the points, douche! Also, lsu is not a favorite.

Dut

GMoney said...

Let me drop some troof on you:

Have you heard ANYONE this week that likes Bama by more than a field goal? No, you have not. So why has the line not moved at all from 5??? You've got to think that public is hammering the Tigeauxs, right?

Ace Rothstein knows how to gamble. You do not. Tide covers.

Prime99 said...

Nickelback is playing halftime for the Detroit Thanksgiving game. Of course they are. What a trash organization.

Chad Kroeger said...

We're gonna show you bitches what rock and roll is all abooot.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious that Prime thinks the Lions have the choice of half-time act over NFL/The United Way. You made Iceman look smart with that comment.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Well I do know that the Lions were the only NFL team to lose money last year. That's not a sign of a great organization.

Chad Kroeger is also an unfrozen caveman and likely enjoys peanut shells as his main diet.

The Iceman said...

Drew will defend to the death everything he believes in...no matter how gay. Including butt sex to Nickelback songs.