Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Day I Realized That No One Cares What I Think

I wish that Sinbad was coming over.
It’s been awhile since I’ve went on an angry rant regarding my personal life. That ends now. If there is one thing that I am sure of, it’s that when you see an e-mail from your wife that is titled “Don’t Be Mad”, that means that in less than a minute, you will be trying to eat Lennox Lewis’s children. Don’t tell me that I can’t be mad. I never agreed to be civil! I’m sure that you’re dying for some back story here.

Remember back in May when I wrote this post? You should re-read it anyway (because it’s hilarious) but the gist was that She$ was going back to her parents house for the weekend to visit yet, for some reason, they were coming to the ‘bus on Saturday and wanted to know if it was OK to stay with me. It most certainly was NOT OK with me but since I have no say and no one listens to my logical complaint, I shared the house that night with my in-laws while the wife got their house all to herself. This still makes zero sense to me.

So, her parents go down to Florida over Thanksgiving every year (for at least a week, maybe longer) and stay with the same people (their daughter and family) that allowed me to shoot a gun last month. It’s great because it means that I only have to endure one family Thanksgiving (unless you count Naptown Wolverine’s decade old annual Thanksgiving Night poker night…which I should now that I think about it). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-family time. It’s just that I bore easily and suck at small talk. Anyway, they are heading down to SoFla on Sunday but have tickets to the OSU/Interracial Butt Rapers game on Saturday. Fine, whatever, they’ll go to the boring ass game, stay with us on Saturday night, and be on their way early the next morning. If only it were that easy.

You see, She$’s family has developed a nasty little habit of telling us what they’re going to do as opposed to asking if it’s OK. But then again, that might not be fair. They could be treating the wife like a doormat and she just caves into their demands constantly. If they have a planned day-trip down for a Saturday, the day before I will be told that whoever is coming has decided to show up on Friday night instead which means two nights at Hotel G$. THIS IS NOT COOL. You live, at most, 2 hours and 15 minutes away. There is no excuse for a two night stay at my house. Ever. There's barely an excuse to stay over at all let alone for three fucking days!  I am not an entertainer.

Now that you know the backstory of her diabolical family’s treachery, let’s talk about this weekend. You know what, let me just copy and paste the “Don’t Be Mad” e-mail from yesterday for you.

Got a call from my mother today and it is looking very strong that they will be joining us tomorrow night. According to her, they thought they could hang out with us Thursday night.
--What the fuck does that mean? “Hang out”? By the way, again, the only reasons they are coming down is because they have football tickets to a 3:30 game on Saturday which apparently requires an arrival time of 48 hours prior to kickoff and it's on their way to Palm Beach. GAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Friday they will visit with their friends (names redacted) and then Friday night we are invited over to (two gay guys, not joking). Saturday she is trying to schedule maybe breakfast or lunch with (my old high school football coach).
--That sounds like the weekend from Hell if you ask me. STOP MAKING GODDAMN PLANS FOR ME WITHOUT ASKING.
I am making a deal with you…I will go with them Friday night and say that you have to go to the gym and need to take care of (the dog…not sure why I’m redacting his name though), but I don’t think I can come up with anything to get you out of the (my old HS football coach) meal if she schedules that.
--I’ll make a deal with you…here’s the number to Motel 6. I’m not doing any of that. Make what deal? I never agreed to meet at the negotiation table. I have to admit, I’m a little impressed that they are so receptive to the gay culture, but I’m not getting shoe-horned into a bunch of crap that I would never consider doing. That’s stupid. I’m 31 damn years old! By the way, I DO have to go to the gym tomorrow in order to get SWOLL.
I know you are mad, but suck it up I haven’t seen my parents for more than 2 hours since we were at the lake in late July and I won’t see them again until Christmas.
--Suck it up, huh? I’m not against a visit but I am TOTES against a lengthy visit that makes no sense at all and having an itinerary. My biggest gripe about this (and I have told her this numerous times) is that I always hear about how the family never sees each other but when they do get together, WE DO NOTHING. We just sit there! It’s maddening. My brain is mush at this point; I need to constantly be stimulated. These types of weekends will not do that.

I was planning on going to Hineygate on Saturday but this may throw a wrench into things (especially if my apparent lunch date with Jerry Sandusky runs long). You know what, fuck it. I don’t care. I’m going anyway. Someone has to go to campus and remind Penn State fans that they are Pa-tard-nos. Maybe I can hitch a ride to Champions Lane with my in-laws!

In conclusion, here was my reply to the “Don’t Be Mad” e-mail:
I hate you. Can't wait to "hang out" tomorrow night...whatever that means. Hope they like Beavis and Butthead. Again, I hate you.

As all the stupid kids on the internet are saying these days “SMH” and “FML”. As I said earlier, I’m not against spending time with family but I am 100% against inept planning and nonsensical time-spending. Do I feel better getting my frustrations out onto the internet? Talk to me Friday night after a fruit tells me that I’ve got to try his salmon caviche. This weekend is going to suck cocks.  Never get married.

Much like Mike McQueary, my life is a snow globe (whatever the fuck that means).

30 comments:

Grumpy said...

Best post ever. Comes with the territory bucko. Enjoy the salmon.

Anonymous said...

Nothing a little domestic violence couldn't fix.

Ide

GMoney said...

I figure that everyone will get a chuckle out of this today.

The wife accused me of being selfish last night. I don't think so. What's selfish about not wanting to have a shitty weekend?

Again, congrats to commenter Lange on the birth of his son, Lamar Demetrius Lange.

Anonymous said...

First tell her broke ass parents to....

A.) Get a hotel.
B.) Fly to fucking Palm Beach...don't drive.

Secondly, if I'm going to choose between a night with their gay friends or ruining my Saturday football experience....I'm going with the homos. In all likelihood the gays are very nice, humorously different, love booze and will serve you some damn good food. You can wash off the gay the next morning when there is frost on the grass and your sipping on a Budweiser with no worries in the world.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I just saw this tweet and it cracked me up...there is a city in China called "Guangdong"? That's awesome.

Phoenix restricted free agent Aaron Brooks has reached agreement on a deal with Guangdong in China, sources tell Y! Sports.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, about the choices:

1. Miami/Xavier hoops is on FSN-OH tomorrow at 7 and now I can watch it in peace and quiet. I've never been to a gay dinner party before but for some reason I still prefer televised Charlie Coles.
2. The wife has to work at 1 on Saturday so whatever I may be dragged to will be over by noon.

For some reason, they prefer that long ass drive because they can visit with their friends in different states on the way down and back. I would never do that. Case in point:

We are doing a bachelor party in NOLA over St. Patty's Day weekend coming up. So far, we can't find any flights under $380 and someone has suggested driving. I told them FUCK NO. I'd rather pay out the ass and only take up 6 total hours of my time than save a few bucks but be stuck in a van for well over a day. Time > Money. And if I was in a van with Big Strut (excuse me, COUNCILMAN Big Strut) for 30-35 hours, he would end up dead on a roadside outside of Knoxville, TN.

The Iceman said...

Who's fault is it that she hasn't seen her partents since July? Certainly not yours. I love how people use the "haven't seen my parents in so long" excuse when they could drive for 2.5 hours ANY WEEKEND they choose to change that. If I'm getting hookwinked into a weekend with the in-laws, at least respect me with a better excuse.

Anonymous said...

I hate it when women come up with these nonsense plans. Women can't compartmentalize different aspects of their lives. Case in point: how your mother-in-law insists on seeing all these friends in one trip that started as a simple trip to the PSU game. How does a trip to the PSU game turn into a 3 day stint in Columbus where she has to see everyone they know in the 614? People won't take it personal if you do not see them and you shouldn't feel like you have to see them. Different parts of your life do not have to constantly bleed together! Compartmentalize, women!

Also, I can tell you anything over three hours in a car with the Original Strut is brutal. You can usually maintain interesting conversation for the first three hours. After that, topics begin repeating themselves and his A.D.D. habits start kicking in.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Flights to NOLA are really expensive right now for some reason...I don't get it.

As for your in-laws. Are you sure they aren't homeless? They came down a few months ago for a night...and your wife went "home". They are spending two nights at your place this weekend. They are driving down to Florida so that they can "stay" with friends along the way.

I think they are homeless and don't want to tell you.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Are they retired? Because if not, get ready for more hell. Since my MIL retired, we have been seeing them in one way or another at least once a month.

Also, anything over 2 days is an imposition. That's why the world has hotels/motels.

Lastly, figure out some way to use this for good. Yours :)

GMoney said...

Who's fault is it that she hasn't seen her partents since July? Certainly not yours.

MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT! I'm being punished because the wife is a terrible daughter!

I can't WAIT to shhhhhh them while I watch Parks and Rec tonight. They won't know what hit them.

Drew, they are not homeless or nomads, I think. I'll ask them tonight.

As I told the wife last night, a meal with my old football coach may sound like something that I would find cool, but it isn't at all. After "good season this year", what the fuck am I supposed to say? Nice to hear that you aren't going to get fired! Big gulps, huh? How's the jaw cracking coming along? BRUTAL.

GMoney said...

No, anon, not retired. I do not envy you at all. I have no idea what Yours ;) means. Is it gay? I bet it's gay.

The Iceman said...

Ha! That's the coach you have to eat with? Ol' Blow Your Load Snoad? Maybe you can talk about the wing-T offense while he touches himself under the table.

I would have asked to come along if it were Downey. I would do just about anything to be there when he snaps & gets the waitress in a sleeper hold.

Anonymous said...

I'm sticking with the call that your inlaws are homeless. It also explains why the wife never goes home to visit them. Nowhere to go/doesn't want to squat in the shelter.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Iceman, the brunch has not been confirmed. I will keep you posted though.

The Iceman said...

Please do. Also, give him a gnarly ball tap for me.

Anonymous said...

You should bring the in-laws to Hineygate with you. That way you can partake in an activity you can all enjoy.

-Damman

MUDawgfan said...

"I hate it when women come up with these nonsense plans. Women can't compartmentalize different aspects of their lives."


Look at Lil' Strut - trying to play it off like he's not gayer than a soup sandwich. "Oh hey guys, don't you just hate it when women, blah blah blah"
Nice try - everyone knows you suck dick and LOVE IT.

Here's hoping you cock-touchers have a great weekend. I've got seats to watch Xavier try and play some Charlie ball. Nice #13 ranking you got their XU....be a shame if anything happened to it.

Anonymous said...

Was it that obvious, MUDawg?

-Lil' Strut

MUdawgfan said...

hahaha! Outstanding response. I like a commentor who can take a ribbing.
You're off my shit-list.

Henceforth I shall focus on that shit-for-brains Drew

Anonymous said...

I was also a victim of your in-laws staying at my place (she$ used to be my roommate!!). The last time they stayed, I got home around 2:30 am and woke them up with the garage/ drunken debauchery. They said the next morning that they thought they could hear a keg getting dragged down the road. Winner me. I suggest you do the same... They wont come back!

Mudawg- you were right on que with lil strut! His girlfriend owns him. I believe last year he went to a lame Notre dame game during a big osu game because she "an Irish fan." At some point you gotta show a hoe who's boss. BE A BOSS!!!!

Dut

GMoney said...

MUDawg is bringing some aggression today. I like it. It's as if he has to play QB behind Miami's OL which is quite possibly the worst OL in football history.

But you aren't going to make anyone jealous bragging about Charlie Coles.

Taking them to Hineygate? Richard Karn says I don't think so, Tim.

Anonymous said...

Dut,

OSU was @ Minnesota for night game that I made it home in time to see. Also, as a college football fan, I enjoyed going to a game at Notre Dame, hoe!

-Lil' Strut

Grumpy said...

Dut & She$ were roomies? Now I'm paying attention.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you Grump. My ears just perked up.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Yep, where do you think Dut got his drugs?

Brady said...

That was a beautiful rant of epic proportions. I don't know you personally G$ but I feal your pain man.

GMoney said...

If you're the same Brady that knows Iceman, then I should be feeling bad for you.

Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady said...

Yup that's me. Apparently I am also the Brady that misspells the word "feel". I took my grammar lessons from that douchebag Iceman. Love the blog man. It has definitely made it into my do-anything-but-work-while-at-work blog rotation.