|I wish that Sinbad was coming over.|
Remember back in May when I wrote this post? You should re-read it anyway (because it’s hilarious) but the gist was that She$ was going back to her parents house for the weekend to visit yet, for some reason, they were coming to the ‘bus on Saturday and wanted to know if it was OK to stay with me. It most certainly was NOT OK with me but since I have no say and no one listens to my logical complaint, I shared the house that night with my in-laws while the wife got their house all to herself. This still makes zero sense to me.
So, her parents go down to Florida over Thanksgiving every year (for at least a week, maybe longer) and stay with the same people (their daughter and family) that allowed me to shoot a gun last month. It’s great because it means that I only have to endure one family Thanksgiving (unless you count Naptown Wolverine’s decade old annual Thanksgiving Night poker night…which I should now that I think about it). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-family time. It’s just that I bore easily and suck at small talk. Anyway, they are heading down to SoFla on Sunday but have tickets to the OSU/Interracial Butt Rapers game on Saturday. Fine, whatever, they’ll go to the boring ass game, stay with us on Saturday night, and be on their way early the next morning. If only it were that easy.
You see, She$’s family has developed a nasty little habit of telling us what they’re going to do as opposed to asking if it’s OK. But then again, that might not be fair. They could be treating the wife like a doormat and she just caves into their demands constantly. If they have a planned day-trip down for a Saturday, the day before I will be told that whoever is coming has decided to show up on Friday night instead which means two nights at Hotel G$. THIS IS NOT COOL. You live, at most, 2 hours and 15 minutes away. There is no excuse for a two night stay at my house. Ever. There's barely an excuse to stay over at all let alone for three fucking days! I am not an entertainer.
Now that you know the backstory of her diabolical family’s treachery, let’s talk about this weekend. You know what, let me just copy and paste the “Don’t Be Mad” e-mail from yesterday for you.
Got a call from my mother today and it is looking very strong that they will be joining us tomorrow night. According to her, they thought they could hang out with us Thursday night.
--What the fuck does that mean? “Hang out”? By the way, again, the only reasons they are coming down is because they have football tickets to a 3:30 game on Saturday which apparently requires an arrival time of 48 hours prior to kickoff and it's on their way to Palm Beach. GAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Friday they will visit with their friends (names redacted) and then Friday night we are invited over to (two gay guys, not joking). Saturday she is trying to schedule maybe breakfast or lunch with (my old high school football coach).
--That sounds like the weekend from Hell if you ask me. STOP MAKING GODDAMN PLANS FOR ME WITHOUT ASKING.
I am making a deal with you…I will go with them Friday night and say that you have to go to the gym and need to take care of (the dog…not sure why I’m redacting his name though), but I don’t think I can come up with anything to get you out of the (my old HS football coach) meal if she schedules that.
--I’ll make a deal with you…here’s the number to Motel 6. I’m not doing any of that. Make what deal? I never agreed to meet at the negotiation table. I have to admit, I’m a little impressed that they are so receptive to the gay culture, but I’m not getting shoe-horned into a bunch of crap that I would never consider doing. That’s stupid. I’m 31 damn years old! By the way, I DO have to go to the gym tomorrow in order to get SWOLL.
I know you are mad, but suck it up I haven’t seen my parents for more than 2 hours since we were at the lake in late July and I won’t see them again until Christmas.
--Suck it up, huh? I’m not against a visit but I am TOTES against a lengthy visit that makes no sense at all and having an itinerary. My biggest gripe about this (and I have told her this numerous times) is that I always hear about how the family never sees each other but when they do get together, WE DO NOTHING. We just sit there! It’s maddening. My brain is mush at this point; I need to constantly be stimulated. These types of weekends will not do that.
I was planning on going to Hineygate on Saturday but this may throw a wrench into things (especially if my apparent lunch date with Jerry Sandusky runs long). You know what, fuck it. I don’t care. I’m going anyway. Someone has to go to campus and remind Penn State fans that they are Pa-tard-nos. Maybe I can hitch a ride to Champions Lane with my in-laws!
In conclusion, here was my reply to the “Don’t Be Mad” e-mail:
I hate you. Can't wait to "hang out" tomorrow night...whatever that means. Hope they like Beavis and Butthead. Again, I hate you.
As all the stupid kids on the internet are saying these days “SMH” and “FML”. As I said earlier, I’m not against spending time with family but I am 100% against inept planning and nonsensical time-spending. Do I feel better getting my frustrations out onto the internet? Talk to me Friday night after a fruit tells me that I’ve got to try his salmon caviche. This weekend is going to suck cocks. Never get married.
Much like Mike McQueary, my life is a snow globe (whatever the fuck that means).