Before we get going, this needs to be said. Fuck Mike Krzyzewski. As George Carlin used to say, “Fuck him in the ass with a big rubber dick”. You would think that a coach breaking the all time win record would be inspiring and touching and some other gay cliché. But it wasn’t anything. It wasn’t anything when Bob Knight broke it years earlier. Why? Pretty easy actually, all basketball coaches that have been around for awhile are old assholes. And nobody likes an old asshole except for OTHER old assholes like Vitale and Digger. I’m not going to throw out some blanket generalization that coaching at a high level is easy, but when you can get a steady stream of McDonald’s All-Americans constantly walking through your doors, it ain’t exactly bench-pressing Mizark Henry either.
Seriously, Coach K does very little anymore. He has surrounded himself with sick talent and smart assistants and a rapey lacrosse team…that is all he needs. I like Jay Bilas a lot because he’s self-aware, smart, and not afraid to poke fun at himself but I wanted to scalp him on Tuesday night. It’s amazing how a Dukie is soooooo smart but has no idea why the world hates them. It was because of nights like that where you all patted yourself on the back without realizing that no one cares. NO ONE CARES ABOUT WIN #903. But there you were, hijacking the Worldwide Leader for a week.
Whew, glad I got that off my chest and was able to incorporate a reference to The World’s Strongest Man. On with the preview/predictions:
Remember This Name: Mitch McGary, not yet at Michigan. Don’t worry. For the next 12 months, he’s all that Michigan fans will want to talk about anyway. I don’t care where he’s ranked by who, no one named Mitch is good at anything except being a TV lifeguard and drunkenly eating hamburgers off the floor. Also, John Henson is pretty sick for the Heels. He does everything well...really like that kid in a non-Sandusky way.
Most Overrated Team - #7 Vanderbilt. They already proved this ranking obsolete by getting crushed at home via Cleveland State minus Norris Cole’s bad ass flat top. I don’t even know why an SEC team south of Harlan County would be ranked. They clearly don’t care about the sport outside of Big Blue U and Billy Donovan’s Widow’s Peak. Back to Vandy though, they always suck and Kevin Stallings has the most affluent "loser vibe" in the country.
Most Underrated Team - #14 Xavier. They will probably end up a 4 or 5 seed in the tournament and they’re pretty much a guarantee to make the Sweet 16. In fact, you could probably make an argument that over the last decade, the Musketeers are one of the 5 most consistent programs in the country. But they will lose tonight, dammit!!!
Most Overrated Player – Robbie Hummel, Purdue. I’ll say it: if he was black, no one would care. He would just be another tragic case of a guy not living up to his potential due to injury. The state of Indiana tends to turn average white basketball players into legends.
Cinderella – The MAC East. Ladies and gentlemen, look what former mid-major power appears to be awake again! Akron slaughtered Miss State down South already. Miami (projected 5th on our side) beat Dayton. Ohio U needed overtime to beat Lamar at home! And Kent State crushed Bob Huggins in Morgantown. The conference has been way down recently, but it looks like this could be a really solid year (for the East, the West is banana shits).
3 Bold Predictions:
1. The Big Ten only gets 4 teams into the tournament this year (5 tops but I’m calling 4 with OSU, Wisky, UM, and Sparty).
2. Digger Phelps will finally admit that he is not an “undertaker’s son”.
3. I will stop picking Notre Dame to do anything in the tournament (remember when I had them winning it all last year???).
The Naismith Award Goes To…Harrison Barnes, North Carolina. No diggity, no doubt. He struggled at the start last year but I think he’s ready to roll in year 2. I don’t know if he had motivation problems last year or what, but he looked totes different in the tournament. He should be a fucking Cav right now…goddamn lockout.
My Final Four in which I pick three top ten teams and then one team at random:
Ohio State – If they lose more than one game in the Big Ten this year (barring injuries to their big 3), Matta should be fired.
North Carolina – Did you watch The Carrier Classic (which was badass by the way)? They sick.
Kentucky – Although they won’t win because I want to keep saying the phrase, “Calipari has still never won a Final Four game”.
Marquette – Because I like a coach named Buzz
National Champion – Soulja Roy and the Tar Heels – Duh, this wasn’t that tough to figure out.
Well, how did I do? What I lack in actual knowledge I thought I made up for with Coach K hate. You know, there are a few other things that need mentioned before I end this. Zak Novak is still gay. Stu Douglass is the worst player in the country. Aaron Craft chokes on dick. White people are awful. I do not respect the scrappy white basketball player. There that about does it. I’m on stay-cation all next week and the schedule for posts will look like this: NFL Monday, Iceman Tuesday, MR. ACE RETURNS Wednesday, and we are dark Thursday and Friday. Peace out, brah.