Friday, November 18, 2011

Coach K Can Eat Shit and the Rest of My CBB Preview

Gross.
To round out this week (which was highly entertaining I must say), let’s get a tiny college basketball preview/prediction piece together. For most of you, there are big expectations in 2011-12 as OSU, UK, UNC, and Michigan should all have great (or better than usual for Bielein's sake) seasons barring injury. Thus, you should all be pumped up. I’m going to do my best here to drop knowledge bombs on you but I make no promises. All I know is that Anthony Davis goes to UK (but definitely not classes), is likely the #1 pick in the NBA Draft apparently, and does not own a mirror. He looks like a goddamn McPoyle! I get how guys could think that growing a ‘stache or mutton chops is hilarious, but a unibrow? No. No non-whore is banging a unibrow even if that brow is going pro.

Before we get going, this needs to be said. Fuck Mike Krzyzewski. As George Carlin used to say, “Fuck him in the ass with a big rubber dick”. You would think that a coach breaking the all time win record would be inspiring and touching and some other gay cliché. But it wasn’t anything. It wasn’t anything when Bob Knight broke it years earlier. Why? Pretty easy actually, all basketball coaches that have been around for awhile are old assholes. And nobody likes an old asshole except for OTHER old assholes like Vitale and Digger. I’m not going to throw out some blanket generalization that coaching at a high level is easy, but when you can get a steady stream of McDonald’s All-Americans constantly walking through your doors, it ain’t exactly bench-pressing Mizark Henry either.

Seriously, Coach K does very little anymore. He has surrounded himself with sick talent and smart assistants and a rapey lacrosse team…that is all he needs. I like Jay Bilas a lot because he’s self-aware, smart, and not afraid to poke fun at himself but I wanted to scalp him on Tuesday night. It’s amazing how a Dukie is soooooo smart but has no idea why the world hates them. It was because of nights like that where you all patted yourself on the back without realizing that no one cares. NO ONE CARES ABOUT WIN #903. But there you were, hijacking the Worldwide Leader for a week.

Whew, glad I got that off my chest and was able to incorporate a reference to The World’s Strongest Man. On with the preview/predictions:

Remember This Name: Mitch McGary, not yet at Michigan. Don’t worry. For the next 12 months, he’s all that Michigan fans will want to talk about anyway. I don’t care where he’s ranked by who, no one named Mitch is good at anything except being a TV lifeguard and drunkenly eating hamburgers off the floor. Also, John Henson is pretty sick for the Heels. He does everything well...really like that kid in a non-Sandusky way.

Most Overrated Team - #7 Vanderbilt. They already proved this ranking obsolete by getting crushed at home via Cleveland State minus Norris Cole’s bad ass flat top. I don’t even know why an SEC team south of Harlan County would be ranked. They clearly don’t care about the sport outside of Big Blue U and Billy Donovan’s Widow’s Peak. Back to Vandy though, they always suck and Kevin Stallings has the most affluent "loser vibe" in the country.

Most Underrated Team - #14 Xavier. They will probably end up a 4 or 5 seed in the tournament and they’re pretty much a guarantee to make the Sweet 16. In fact, you could probably make an argument that over the last decade, the Musketeers are one of the 5 most consistent programs in the country. But they will lose tonight, dammit!!!

Most Overrated Player – Robbie Hummel, Purdue. I’ll say it: if he was black, no one would care. He would just be another tragic case of a guy not living up to his potential due to injury. The state of Indiana tends to turn average white basketball players into legends.

Cinderella – The MAC East. Ladies and gentlemen, look what former mid-major power appears to be awake again! Akron slaughtered Miss State down South already. Miami (projected 5th on our side) beat Dayton. Ohio U needed overtime to beat Lamar at home! And Kent State crushed Bob Huggins in Morgantown. The conference has been way down recently, but it looks like this could be a really solid year (for the East, the West is banana shits).

3 Bold Predictions:
1. The Big Ten only gets 4 teams into the tournament this year (5 tops but I’m calling 4 with OSU, Wisky, UM, and Sparty).
2. Digger Phelps will finally admit that he is not an “undertaker’s son”.
3. I will stop picking Notre Dame to do anything in the tournament (remember when I had them winning it all last year???).

The Naismith Award Goes To…Harrison Barnes, North Carolina. No diggity, no doubt. He struggled at the start last year but I think he’s ready to roll in year 2. I don’t know if he had motivation problems last year or what, but he looked totes different in the tournament. He should be a fucking Cav right now…goddamn lockout.

My Final Four in which I pick three top ten teams and then one team at random:
Ohio State – If they lose more than one game in the Big Ten this year (barring injuries to their big 3), Matta should be fired.
North Carolina – Did you watch The Carrier Classic (which was badass by the way)? They sick.
Kentucky – Although they won’t win because I want to keep saying the phrase, “Calipari has still never won a Final Four game”.
Marquette – Because I like a coach named Buzz

National Champion – Soulja Roy and the Tar Heels – Duh, this wasn’t that tough to figure out.

Well, how did I do? What I lack in actual knowledge I thought I made up for with Coach K hate. You know, there are a few other things that need mentioned before I end this. Zak Novak is still gay. Stu Douglass is the worst player in the country. Aaron Craft chokes on dick. White people are awful. I do not respect the scrappy white basketball player.  There that about does it. I’m on stay-cation all next week and the schedule for posts will look like this: NFL Monday, Iceman Tuesday, MR. ACE RETURNS Wednesday, and we are dark Thursday and Friday. Peace out, brah.

30 comments:

Grumpy said...

I like Coach K. Makes your point I guess.

GMoney said...

UH OH...more kid fuckers out there in the coaching ranks. Bernie Fine plowing ball boys at the Cuse, eh? Although those whistleblowers looked like liars to me. Hell, one of their names is MIKE LANGE. Only homos go by that!

You can write off the title chances for Syracuse now.

Anonymous said...

I think those two guys in the Syracuse deal are liars too. I like Boeheim going on the offensive. If he thought Fine was a kid fucker he wouldn't do that...he must be damn sure that Fine likes adult women.

This is gonna be the best year of college basketball in a long time. I really hope the Buckeyes get Laquinton Ross eligibile at the beginning of December. He could be a huuuuge piece to our title chances.

Great calls on Novack and Douglass.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I bet he cuddled with those kids in the crevice.

Ide

Anonymous said...

First of all his name was Mike Lang (no e on the end). Secondly, conveinent these two molested men came out after PSU incident, CHILD PLEASE! Totes to Boeheim for calling out these two queermos. If its true I will redact that statement.

I enjoyed the Soulja Roy usage for the champioship pick. The tar heels will be good as long as Henson (Dude be sick) can keep his 10 foot wingspan around the rim.

I now have my future T. Hansborough. Born 11/16/11 weighing in at 7lbs 10 ounces 21 inches long with the name of Cooper.

Tired. No sleep. Newborns don't sleep well.

----Lange

Anonymous said...

This Urban Meyer to OSU buzz is really picking up steam. Multiple sources are actually giving contract numbers around the 7 year $35 Million range. Not saying I believe it yet, but there are a lot of sources stating the same thing.


-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I'm sorry, LS, but we're we talking about that at all? No, we were not. Go punch yourself in the cunt.

Say what you want about the ballboys, but that takes some stones to go on camera and say that some old dude fucked your little pre-teen butthole. If that is a lie, holy shit, that's not worth the pay day (in my PERSONAL OPINION).

Hey Dad, quit being stupid. It's spelled MANSbrough! Congrats again though. Make sure he votes for me as Viewer's Choice on Big Bro this summer.

By the way, I got yelled at last night by the missus for yesterday's post. BOOM!!!

Anonymous said...

There's a private jet en route from gainesville to Columbus that lands at 11:40.... It must be urban!

I will bet any amount of $$ that the b10 gets 5 or more to the tourney.

I like coach k, but I hate that espn is trying to make us care about him breaking the record. Who gives a shit!?

Dut

Anonymous said...

Correction.. The flight is en route to Gainesville from THE Ohio state university airport. Deal must be done.

Dut

The Iceman said...

Michigan will finish 20-10, be a 8 or 9 seed in the tournament, win one game then get bounced. That's what I've come to expect out of Beilein.

McGary will be a nice addition next year. At least I can be somewhat happy with Beilein pulling in 5-stars. He also got Glenn Robinson Jr to sign and currently sits 6th (last I checked) in recruiting for 2012.

But this is 2011 and we still have Zak Novak and Stu Douglass. Tim Hardaway Jr. can only win you so many games. Darius Morris is so fucking stupid for leaving early. I'm almost happy this lockout is happening just to teach guys like that a lesson. Don't be stupid.

The Iceman said...

Jesus Christ, can we go one fucking week without sucking Urban Meyer's gray dick?

Anonymous said...

How do you know its gray, Iceman? Do you have sources, too?

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

I found pictures in Damman's bathroom. They were pretty graphic.

Anonymous said...

Yup...the Urban deal appears to be almost done. I'm surprised...well done Les Wexner. Throw that scrilla around.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Can we start your 2014 coaching search yet? Because you can bank on needing a new coach (if this is true) in 3 years. And someone get Urban Meyer a good divorce attorney as his wife and kids should be filing any minute now. Scumbag.

You know what's hilarious: Mr. Ace loves Zack Novak.

Prime99 said...

Urban's dick is scarlet and gray, amirite?!

As a former basketball player, it pains me that basketball is the most uninteresting sport these days. Wake me up in March.

Anonymous said...

The Torg just posted on his Facebook that the Urban rumors are not true. This makes it a slam dunk that they are true.

I love hijacking the comment section with OSU football talk$

Iceman, I thought we made deal that you wouldn't tell people about my Urban pics and I wouldn't tell people about your Walt pics.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Good point and this proves that Ohio State fans are fake basketball fans. They'd rather discuss their Alamo Bowl-bound program over their Final Four-bound hoops team (although they'll probably choke again). PHONIES. YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF GREAT BIG PHONIES.

More Walt references please...

Anonymous said...

I'm willing to talk hoops all fucking day. Don't call me a phony...I got full season tickets and will be attending the showdown with Jackson State tonight.

Any Urban new is obviously huge news. Top three coach in college football wants to coach the Buckeyes? Oh let do it.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Damman. I was drunk, there was home made pizza involved and I was really lonely. Walt took advantage of me. I should have known when I saw the Jerry Sandusky autobiography on his book shelf.

The Iceman said...

Are any of you fags going to Rick's on Wednesday this year? We have to have our family dinner that night because my gay brother lives in Jacksonville now, but if you queens are going I'll do my best to stop up there.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Iceman, the lure of the Walt homemade pizza can be strong indeed.

I will most definitely be in attendance at Rick's on Wednesday.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Will any of the Jackson State players tonight be offended if I drunkenly keep yelling at them "None of you guys are as good as Lindsey Hunter! Lindsey Hunter is ashamed of you!". They should know who their GOAT bball player is amirite?

Since the subject is college basketball. Here's a story from back when I was in college. OSU was playing Georgia Tech in the ACC Challenge. GT was loaded that year and OSU was terrible. I drank a 12 pack before the game...then brought a pint of Jack to the game and drank it. Our seats wer about 5 rows behind the GT bench. I was shit-faced and just screaming at them the whole game in an empty Schott. I kept calling their coach "Herb Sendek"....until finally someone in the second half yelled "That's not his name you fucking idiot!". They were right...it was not Herb Sendek.

With a few minutes left an old OSU fan in his 80's walked past me...and said "Son, you are a disgrace to this university". I was able to mumble out "Thanks. Nice to meet you."

I ended up getting kicked out with a couple minutes left for something someone else yelled...wasn't even me. Moment of drunken pride was when somebody yelled at the usher "Why are you kicking him out? He's the only one here that cares."

--Drew

GMoney said...

"Son, you are a disgrace to this university"

Awesome and totally true. The best part of this story is that I hope you were yelling Herb Sendek at Paul Hewitt. I would like to find out on Monday that MUDawg was calling Chris Mack "Nolan Richardson" tonight.

Iceman, I'll be there. I haven't hit my quota for rubbing elbows with dirty Spaniards this month yet.

Rumors are not news. While I'm not saying it's impossible, the guy's dad died less than a week ago and we're supposed to believe that he's flying back and forth to negotiate for a job that isn't open? Seems a little far-fetched to me. Plus, I heard Spielman on the radio this week (obvs he works with Badheart) and he said that Urban has not spoken to anyone within the University about coaching yet. Spielman seems like a straight shooter to me.

But, as I've said, Urban is a scumbag so it's not out of the realm of possibility.

Anonymous said...

G$....It was most definitely Paul Hewitt.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I can see where Hewitt and Sendek look a lot alike.

GMoney said...

Here's a thought (goddamit, you idiots are dragging me off-topic, too!):

All of these are apparent facts:
-Urban loves Ohio State
-Urban has terrible health that forced him to retire twice from a great job
-Gene Smith sucks and the FTM charge should get him canned soon

I wonder if maybe becoming Ohio State's AD wouldn't be the best thing for him. It isn't very stressful and he can oversee his dream job. Is that crazy? Obviously he has no experience, but AD's are usually idiots anyway.

Anonymous said...

G$...You're an idiot. He's gonna be the coach...not a fucking AD.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Hey, I'm just trying to keep him alive. Don't hate because I think outside of the box and outside of the bun.

Thank God that Senate Bill 5 went down so now their will be enough police around here to handle Urban's recruits.

The Iceman said...

I'll do my best to get my ass to Rick's Wednesday. Should be a white trash good time. I just hope Naptown Wolverine doesn't try giving me a belly raspberry again.