Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Arizona Did WHAT???

                               "Ooooooo.  That fart was totes wet."


First...fuck that guy ^.  Second, here's something I will never understand and completely irrelevant to college football.  Why some drunk people will go to impossible lengths to sleep in their own bed when perfectly acceptable sleeping quarters are made available.  I'll set the scene for you.  Me, my lady and my buddy are at my house at 3AM after countless beers/shots and post Taco Bell gorging.  After charging through 5 Doritos Locos tacos and a beefy 5-layer burrito I'm pretty ashamed of myself at this point so I decide step outside to choke down one last cig before bed.  Go for broke, right?

So.  I come back in from my cancer dance and my buddy is nowhere to be found.  I'm tapping out and walk into the bedroom to sleep where ever my autopilot body lands and my woman asks me why I went out the front door to smoke.  At that moment I realize what just went down.  Full blown prison break.  Now, my buddy is cut from a different cloth.  He's a good guy but gets pretty weird when he's blown out drunk.  It's hard to explain but I'm sure everyone has those friends and sort of knows what I'm talking about.  And if you say you don't, then you're that friend.  So my friend...who had been drinking non stop since noon...decides a bed in my house by himself at 3AM is not making the grade and proceeds to walk home.  Normally this wouldn't be a problem...unless you live 6 miles away from where you're currently at.  That's right.  He walked from Central and McCord to Airport Highway and Holland-Sylvania, by himself, drunk as fuck, at 3AM.  Anyone not familiar with the area, just put it in MapQuest to see how fucking stupid that was.  Let's see who else did really dumb shit this past weekend.

Losers

Oklahoma State - Waaaa Waaaa Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  Season over, queers.  Look at you, Iowa State.  Dick swingin giant killers.  Let's get a round of pussy for those lovable bunch of future K-Mart managers.  In Obesity State's defense, they were mourning the loss of some basketball coaches that died in a plane wreck only a day before this game happened.  So in honor of Kurt Budke and Miranda Serna, we'll momentarily pretend that women's basketball is a real sport.  And you think The Iceman doesn't have heart.  Nonsense.

Clemson - Ahhhhhhh.  The sweet stench of rotting failure.  Never trust the ACC.  Taj Boyd showed us that he's not quite there yet and the rest of the team showed us they're fucking terrible.  I'm sure Marmalard Rivers broke the record for most white guy fist pumps completed in one minute after he saw the final score of this game.  Then in another act of celebration...murdered his neighbor's dog.  This has nothing to do with this game, but I just cannot get enough of this picture.  FakeNeck Beamer jiggles his titty chin in approval of this loss.

Arizona - I know the entire state cares more about things like stealing land from Native Americans, cacti and not dying from heat stroke than they do about football, but come on!  DickRod as your coach?  Did you learn nothing from Michigan?  I guess it doesn't matter that much since there aren't actually any real Arizona Wildcat fans out there...unless you count Luke Walton.  He seems gay enough to still keep up with Arizona sports.  My advice is that if there are any actual Wildcat fans out there that matter, they should cut out the buttholes in all of their jeans to make it easier.  You can fight it all you want but the scabby midget dick of Rich Rodriguez will penetrate your anus at some point.

Georgia fans - Mark Richt is keeping his job.  You can get the noose back out now.  That is all.

Oregon - What the fuck! You fuckin handle Stanford, look almost like a National Title contender, start creeping back into the conversation, then lose to boner lover Matt Barkley. I'm sure G$ spermed the inside of his boxer shorts watching The Erection King work Oregon's shaft on Saturday. The Pac-12 is fuckin terrible. They reek of egg farts and spoiled oatmeal. If you want to know exactly what that smells like, you just need to catch a whiff of Damman's last sexual partner. She has the body of Kathy Bates and a face like Dave Grohl.

Winners

Baylor - RG3 is a God damn stud.  This is why the Heisman is stupid.  Insane stats, Big-12 schedule, plays for a ranked team and not a single mention of the Heisman.  Why should RG3 be penalized because the rest of Baylor sucks?  I'm not saying he should win it, but I definitely think he deserves an invite.  His stats are just as good as the other QBs getting fluffed every 12 seconds.  I digress...but let's put our hands together for not one, but TWO Oklafatass schools sucking the hairy under tit of the upset.  Hooray, Baylor.  Now when people talk about the Bears they don't have to talk about basketball players murdering each other and Bill Brasky playing center for the women's team.  Strike that last comment from the record.  We've pretended long enough to care about women's basketball.

Ark-Kansas - They actually control their own destiny to play in the title game.  Wonderful.  The only question is how many more jokes can I make about racism, pedophilia, incest and poverty?  Jesus, this is fucking exhausting.  Razorback...even the team name sounds like a hillbilly rape move.  "Got that skank smoked on Drain-O bombs last night and gave her the razorback on my rape rack.  Once I realized she wasn't dead, I lost my boner so I had to finish up with my sister.  Took her and the pet goat to get me hard again.  Don't worry...I kept the blood."  Fuck...that was even a little too raunchy for me.  More than anything I'm stunned the community allows black guys on the team.  After football games the downtown scene HAS to be like Remember The Titans, right?

Lee Corso - This is the day we've been waiting for.  The day Lee Corso finally loses it completely.  I was hoping for something more along the lines of publicly shitting or pissing himself like a newborn, or getting completely nude during the middle of a broadcast while swinging a pillowcase full of dog shit at Chris Fowler...but a good ol' fashioned home cooked "fuck" will do just fine.  I can think of nothing more majestic than Corso shouting "Fuck It!" on national television.  Not even a bald eagle wearing a head band ripping off thousands of M-16 rounds would be more American.  I would even argue Joey Chestnut hoarking down 65 hotdogs in 12 minutes isn't even in the same stratosphere.  Lee Corso is my new Captain America.  From now on, Corso should wear a thong cut from the cloth of the American flag.

We're closing in on the end of the college football season, my friends.  Unfortunately with the end of college football comes the beginning of the holiday season.  And with the holiday season comes one of the most fucking annoying things ever.  The Salvation Army bell ringer standing outside every grocery store.  Got to experience that shit this evening while leaving Kroger.  What a pleasant fucking surprise that was...RING RING RING RING RING RING RING!  SON OF A BITCH!!!  Put that God damn bell away before I make you fucking eat it.  Yes, I see you.  You are a giant man standing next to an even more giant red thing full of money.  And you're there every fucking year at the same time.  And you smell like Queen Latifah's dirty clothes hamper.  Give it a rest, jackass because as long as you're clamoring that bell you're getting shit from me.  Happy Lions getting gang raped by Packers day, everyone.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

First off, I couldn't agree with you more on how stupid it is that some people only want to sleep in their own beds. I'm good to pass out on couches or floors...just give me a pillow if it's the floor. The amount of drunk driving, insanely long cab rides or long walks home that some people do to get in their own bed is retarded.

I'm not sure what to think about Dick Rod at AZ. I don't think he's going to be successful as he has no recruiting ties to that area. But, he may be successful enough. I read that Arizona has NEVER been to a Rose Bowl. All he has to do is get a freak offense for one year and somehow get there...and he'll get like a 10 year contract. Never know.

You write about Arkansas but make no mention of their Tight End dying? When did you got soft Iceman?

Speaking of dying...that's what Aaron Rodgers is gonna do on Turkey Day.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

He was a backup tight end. It's barely news. BOOM! I'm kidding. This sounds terrible but he may do more for that team post mortem than he ever did while alive. You know Arkansas will be rallying behind this kid. Hopefully it works...I do not want a LSU/Bama rematch.

The only reason is may work is because there is no other team in college football with lower expectations than Arizona. Well, maybe Washington State. It's not like Arizona has this rich football tradition that he's going in and totally ruining. But like you said, how the fuck is going to get players out west? I hope he fails. I hate that motherefucker.

Remember, Drew. Discount Double Check.

GMoney said...

I donb't understand why Richie took that job. His wife's face looks like THAT from time in WV and MI. What will happen to it in the sweltering heat of Arizona? Of course, it's a DRY HEAT.

The best part about Corso is that nothing will happen to him because he pretty much IS that show.

By the way, when did Lane Kiffin sneakily become an ELITE coach? USC is legit. Lane should be the coach of the year IMPO (that's Demetrius shorthand).

Anonymous said...

Your friend walked the dark streets of Toledo at 3 am? Surprised he didn't get robbed or Sandusky'd. Risky move!

So it's osu Michigan week... And there's no mention of either team!?

I think Richrod is a good coach, but I also don't understand him going to the west coast. He'd be better off at a mid level acc school. Richrod was set up for failure at Michigan from the start. Too many traditionalists (and queers) didn't want to give him a chance and made his job 100x harder than it should have been. Ole dicky is perfect at a school with no expectations...

Over under on Denard ints this weekend? I'll say 2.5.

Dut

Prime99 said...

I'm not sure if you've all seen the shit at UC Davis recently but it has been national news. I'm staying out of the political debate associated with this (everyone involved can suck it) but this gem of a site has sprouted up:

peppersprayingcop.tumblr.com

The Where's Waldo one is my favorite.

I still think cheering for conference rivals is gay, but it has become a necessary evil of the college football system (which blows.) I get great the SEC supposedly is, but having the Top 3 BCS teams from the same conference this late seems to show an obvious flaw in the system. Every game means so much-except 9 tenths of the country doesn't care about of national championship!

the wizard of aus said...

Packers Lions game will come down to the better offense and I can make one comparison that easily decides that dispute. Packers O is the best trent dilfer has seen the past 10-20 years. that's right..trent dilfer. Here's another sentence not talking about what your column is really about.

Anonymous said...

Denard=Stanley Jackson. Take that to the bank. I know I'm jumping the gun for tomorrow's post, but I don't care.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Iceman, no mention of Michigan's absolute beat down of Nebraska as a winner of the week...? I know we are getting a sweet preview of the BIG GAME tomorrow from studs like ACE and DREW, but I'm giving you a big 'commmeee onnn mnaaaaannn'.

Proof that leaving Denard on the field for the entire game is the obvious game plan.....

- J Saul

Mr. Ace said...

I have no ill will towards Rich Rod. I hope he does good in AZ and think he will. Oregon will get will get destroyed by sanctions, Stanford is on its way down after Harbough and Luck leave. That leaves USC. I think he will do just fine in the PAC 12.

Damman, thank you for proving my point a day in advance.

GMoney said...

Can you idiots please just fucking wait until tomorrow to go on an on about your Motor City Bowl appearance? Show some respect to Iceman!

JS is right, UM looked terrific on Saturday.

Heisman award: Is it RG3's to lose? How about future Skin stalwart Matt Barkley? Braxton Miller LOLZ?

My hard drive crashed yesterday. Sucks balls.

Prime99 said...

Everyone send G$ three files of porn so he can build his lost collection back up! I assume that porn was the only thing on your hard drive?

The Iceman said...

I'm trying to stay objective here, Saul. I'm pretty sure no one came here to read me drone on about how unstoppable Michigan looked Saturday. But they did look damn fucking good, right?

I'm sure Ace has something cooked up about Michigan vs. OSU for tomorrow. I'll show some respect to those who came before me and let him have it.

How dare you bring Trent Dilfer into my column, Wizard! You shall burn for this. Rodgers has a tiny dick...but will still beat Fat Tits Stafford Thursday.

The Iceman said...

Everyone send G$ three files of porn so he can build his lost collection back up.


Except Dut. No one wants anything in your porn collection.

Anonymous said...

I bet half of Dut's porn collection is just videos of himself jacking it in front of a mirror.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

The other half is Derec Alexander.

Anonymous said...

Riddle me this..Why would I need a video of myself jacking it in the mirror when I could just look at the mirror?!

Regardless, I don't watch porn. Grumpy's wife Fleshlights me 4 times a week...

Dut

Anonymous said...

Dut...you could record yourself in different outfits. So, then you have a volume of different videos of yourself jerking off at your disposal. Duh.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Spoken like a true pro, Drew.

Where's Grumpy? God dammit. Someone check the Cincy obits again...

Anonymous said...

Iceman...the only benefit I can think of for Dut to jerk off while staring into the mirror is that it could humor him if he shot his load onto and watched it go down the mirror like it was actually on his stomach.

I was worried about Grumpy yesterday as well, as the weekend is two more days we don't know if he survived. Maybe he's away from internet though visiting somewhere.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Dut- me and you should seriously party. Jesusss Chist.

-- Mr. Slave