Tuesday, November 22, 2011
First...fuck that guy ^. Second, here's something I will never understand and completely irrelevant to college football. Why some drunk people will go to impossible lengths to sleep in their own bed when perfectly acceptable sleeping quarters are made available. I'll set the scene for you. Me, my lady and my buddy are at my house at 3AM after countless beers/shots and post Taco Bell gorging. After charging through 5 Doritos Locos tacos and a beefy 5-layer burrito I'm pretty ashamed of myself at this point so I decide step outside to choke down one last cig before bed. Go for broke, right?
So. I come back in from my cancer dance and my buddy is nowhere to be found. I'm tapping out and walk into the bedroom to sleep where ever my autopilot body lands and my woman asks me why I went out the front door to smoke. At that moment I realize what just went down. Full blown prison break. Now, my buddy is cut from a different cloth. He's a good guy but gets pretty weird when he's blown out drunk. It's hard to explain but I'm sure everyone has those friends and sort of knows what I'm talking about. And if you say you don't, then you're that friend. So my friend...who had been drinking non stop since noon...decides a bed in my house by himself at 3AM is not making the grade and proceeds to walk home. Normally this wouldn't be a problem...unless you live 6 miles away from where you're currently at. That's right. He walked from Central and McCord to Airport Highway and Holland-Sylvania, by himself, drunk as fuck, at 3AM. Anyone not familiar with the area, just put it in MapQuest to see how fucking stupid that was. Let's see who else did really dumb shit this past weekend.
Oklahoma State - Waaaa Waaaa Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Season over, queers. Look at you, Iowa State. Dick swingin giant killers. Let's get a round of pussy for those lovable bunch of future K-Mart managers. In Obesity State's defense, they were mourning the loss of some basketball coaches that died in a plane wreck only a day before this game happened. So in honor of Kurt Budke and Miranda Serna, we'll momentarily pretend that women's basketball is a real sport. And you think The Iceman doesn't have heart. Nonsense.
Clemson - Ahhhhhhh. The sweet stench of rotting failure. Never trust the ACC. Taj Boyd showed us that he's not quite there yet and the rest of the team showed us they're fucking terrible. I'm sure Marmalard Rivers broke the record for most white guy fist pumps completed in one minute after he saw the final score of this game. Then in another act of celebration...murdered his neighbor's dog. This has nothing to do with this game, but I just cannot get enough of this picture. FakeNeck Beamer jiggles his titty chin in approval of this loss.
Arizona - I know the entire state cares more about things like stealing land from Native Americans, cacti and not dying from heat stroke than they do about football, but come on! DickRod as your coach? Did you learn nothing from Michigan? I guess it doesn't matter that much since there aren't actually any real Arizona Wildcat fans out there...unless you count Luke Walton. He seems gay enough to still keep up with Arizona sports. My advice is that if there are any actual Wildcat fans out there that matter, they should cut out the buttholes in all of their jeans to make it easier. You can fight it all you want but the scabby midget dick of Rich Rodriguez will penetrate your anus at some point.
Georgia fans - Mark Richt is keeping his job. You can get the noose back out now. That is all.
Oregon - What the fuck! You fuckin handle Stanford, look almost like a National Title contender, start creeping back into the conversation, then lose to boner lover Matt Barkley. I'm sure G$ spermed the inside of his boxer shorts watching The Erection King work Oregon's shaft on Saturday. The Pac-12 is fuckin terrible. They reek of egg farts and spoiled oatmeal. If you want to know exactly what that smells like, you just need to catch a whiff of Damman's last sexual partner. She has the body of Kathy Bates and a face like Dave Grohl.
Baylor - RG3 is a God damn stud. This is why the Heisman is stupid. Insane stats, Big-12 schedule, plays for a ranked team and not a single mention of the Heisman. Why should RG3 be penalized because the rest of Baylor sucks? I'm not saying he should win it, but I definitely think he deserves an invite. His stats are just as good as the other QBs getting fluffed every 12 seconds. I digress...but let's put our hands together for not one, but TWO Oklafatass schools sucking the hairy under tit of the upset. Hooray, Baylor. Now when people talk about the Bears they don't have to talk about basketball players murdering each other and Bill Brasky playing center for the women's team. Strike that last comment from the record. We've pretended long enough to care about women's basketball.
Ark-Kansas - They actually control their own destiny to play in the title game. Wonderful. The only question is how many more jokes can I make about racism, pedophilia, incest and poverty? Jesus, this is fucking exhausting. Razorback...even the team name sounds like a hillbilly rape move. "Got that skank smoked on Drain-O bombs last night and gave her the razorback on my rape rack. Once I realized she wasn't dead, I lost my boner so I had to finish up with my sister. Took her and the pet goat to get me hard again. Don't worry...I kept the blood." Fuck...that was even a little too raunchy for me. More than anything I'm stunned the community allows black guys on the team. After football games the downtown scene HAS to be like Remember The Titans, right?
Lee Corso - This is the day we've been waiting for. The day Lee Corso finally loses it completely. I was hoping for something more along the lines of publicly shitting or pissing himself like a newborn, or getting completely nude during the middle of a broadcast while swinging a pillowcase full of dog shit at Chris Fowler...but a good ol' fashioned home cooked "fuck" will do just fine. I can think of nothing more majestic than Corso shouting "Fuck It!" on national television. Not even a bald eagle wearing a head band ripping off thousands of M-16 rounds would be more American. I would even argue Joey Chestnut hoarking down 65 hotdogs in 12 minutes isn't even in the same stratosphere. Lee Corso is my new Captain America. From now on, Corso should wear a thong cut from the cloth of the American flag.
We're closing in on the end of the college football season, my friends. Unfortunately with the end of college football comes the beginning of the holiday season. And with the holiday season comes one of the most fucking annoying things ever. The Salvation Army bell ringer standing outside every grocery store. Got to experience that shit this evening while leaving Kroger. What a pleasant fucking surprise that was...RING RING RING RING RING RING RING! SON OF A BITCH!!! Put that God damn bell away before I make you fucking eat it. Yes, I see you. You are a giant man standing next to an even more giant red thing full of money. And you're there every fucking year at the same time. And you smell like Queen Latifah's dirty clothes hamper. Give it a rest, jackass because as long as you're clamoring that bell you're getting shit from me. Happy Lions getting gang raped by Packers day, everyone.