Monday, October 31, 2011

The Worst of Week Eight Vol.V

Saturday, some friends asked She$ and I to babysit their young daughter over night.  I didn't care, I was going out drinking.  But She$ had to work Sunday morning which meant that I would have the day shift and I'm a fucking disgrace around younglings.  Let me tell you something, watching a kid is murder.  I was awaken from my drunken sleep at the robust hour of 7 am.  Then I got to help put together a puzzle while watching multiple episodes of Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Pony, SpongeBob, and Pound Puppies.  It was brutal.  I was confused.  The only things that I know about babysitting, I learned from porno.  This was not like that at all.  Babysitting sucks.  Let this be a lesson to all of you childless winners out there.  I know that I learned a lot.

Oh well, at least it's over.  Watching girly cartoons is still more entertaining than The Sports Reporters.  Anyway, football yesterday was pretty terrible.  The early games might have been the worst slate of matchups in NFL history (and somehow the late games were worse).  Let's get to it.


Drew Brees and Company - The Saints seem to do something like this every year.  They always lose to at least one really rotten team (last year was Cleveland).  But the Rams are legitimately shit.  That should not have happened.

Not Sam Bradford - That win probably keeps the Rams out of the Luck sweepstakes.  That would have been an interesting dilemma actually.  If the Rams get the #1 pick, do they dump Bradford already?  I would.  Tony LaRussa was wearing a Rams 14 jersey on the sidelines yesterday...awful.  Speaking of the Series, that was some really entertaining baseball.  I could watch Tony's flinch on the last out everyday.  Hilarious reaction.

Li'l Strut - I was discussing fantasy football (the MSFL to be exact) and was complimenting LS for his 6-1 start.  You know what he told me his strategy on draft day is?  "Draft consistent players".  WHAT A BOLD IDEA!  NO ONE HAS EVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE!  God, you are worse than prison rape.

Chris Johnson - I think that we can officially write his 2011 season off now.  If you can't break 40 yards against a team that just gave up 62 7 days earlier, you're terrible.  And he is totally fucking over Matt Forte with his "holdout then shittiness".

Jim Tressel - Rumor has it, he got commenter Daniel and his wife an OLIVE TRAY for their wedding.  OMG LOLZ!  It's better than an autographed copy of The Winner's Manual though.  Barely.

Tony Sparano - He is a terrible coach and apparently put his house up for sale last week.  Nothing beats a coach getting fired.

Giants fans that participate in ESPN chats during games - These are always hilarious idiots.  The frontpage of ESPN.com had stupid Giants fans posting stuff as soon as they beat a rotten Dolphins team by a FG like "Eli is a top 5 QB" and "See, Eli would not allow the Giants to lose!"  Fans are 'tards.

Olindo Mare - Nice missed chip shot, whatever-your-race-is.

Terry Bradshaw - He ranked Andy Dalton ahead of Cam in his uber-scientific rookie QB rankings because of wins.  Yes, TB would rather have Dalton over Cam.  He is a child molester.

Kevin Kolb and Joe Flacco - Both of these guys suck.  That is all.

Worst Christmas Gift Ever - Courtesy of -Rex, comes this gem...yes, this gentleman is selling a USED FLESHLIGHT!
I got it from my ex-girlfriend Lauren for my birthday, in 2003, and truthfully I have had absolutely no use for it for about 3 years. From 2003-2004, I used it a few times at the most. After every time of use, I cleaned it out very well. If you don't, the smell gets really bad.
Good God.  WHO WOULD BUY THIS???


Hines Ward - Yeah, buddy, you're not needed here anymore.  Us "haterz" have been waiting for this day for years now but I think it's official...Hines Ward is completely worthless and makes the Steelers worse when he's on the field.  They have 3 receivers and a TE all better than him.


Teams that lost late games - I don't want to get into these games because they were brutal.  Simply put: The Browns suck, the Seahawks suck, and the Broncos really, really suck. 

John Beck - He should just put LOL on the back of his jersey.  God, the Redskins are awful.  The Bills had 4 sacks in their first 6 games this year.  They had EIGHT yesterday.  Sorry, Matt Barkley, but you're about to get murdered behind that same line.  The Redskins got SHUTOUT by the Bills.  ZERO POINTS AGAINST THE BILLS DEFENSE.  This performance pretty much defines yesterday's NFL action...awful.

She$ - The wife asked me how many bags of candy she should buy for Trick Or Treat tonight.  We get a decent flow in the neighborhood but not a ton of kids.  I told her 3 (Twix, Snickers, and Reese's).  She came home from the store on Saturday with...NINE BAGS!  Who eats fucking Sweet Tarts?  Those things are mung!  My wife is a fucking lunatic.  We're going to be eating that candy until next Summer.  Bitches be crazy.  And please go back and read my post from two years ago about acceptable Halloween candy.  Come for the sugary breakdown, stay for the blurb about "Phil From Pantera".

In conclusion, let me give you a piece of advice.  Whenever life gets you down, keep your chin up and remember that it could be worse.  You could be selling your used sex toys on the internet.  I hope that that guy has never been asked to babysit anyone's kids.  In that aspect, maybe I'm not the worst babysitter ever.

24 comments:

Grumpy said...

Thanks for the link; I'm all for saving some jack.

Anonymous said...

Your retarded love for Tim Tebow is hilarious. There is not a single reason that he should not have been on this list of awful from yesterday. He was TERRIBLE. Great day for anyone like myself to start Lions D in fantasy.

--Drew

GMoney said...

TIM TEBOW SUKT. Happy?

FACT: Every game sucked yesterday.

By the way, I'm going to beat Damman in the MSFL this week (unless Mike Tolbert, who is doubtful for the game, erupts for like 30+ points). I did this with A-Rodg on a bye. Winning when your stud QB doesn't play is incredibly satisfying. You should get 1.5 wins for this feat actually. It feels like a flesh light straight out of the dishwasher.

Put ol' G$ down for 7-1 in both the MSFL and the DFL. I KNOW MORE THAN YOU!!!

Will Ape pop in to talk about Shady being the best RB in the NFL? He might have a case today. A small one, but still a case.

GMoney said...

My 'tard love for Tim Tebow will pay dividends when the rapture hits, bitch!

The Iceman said...

People don't shit talk Tim Tebow because when they do, unexplainable bad shit starts happening. Like your car engine starts spitting pythons out of it.

GMoney said...

I just want to remind everyone that Colt McCoy is not a starting QB in the NFL.

Anonymous said...

G$- your 7-1 record is a fluke. You will collapse. There are 2 teams in your division that are far superior to you (suhperman thats, fleshlights).

The comments in that used fleshlight post are fantastic. Here is my favorite, after he was asked how he knows the used light wont give him an std....
im 100% clean and the reason you can be sure of that is because i swore years before (after i *didnt* fuck any of the girls i went to school with at STDSU) that if any stupid bitch gave me an STD i would kill them and then kill myself right afterward.

i dont care how trivial it is. I wouldnt care if it was HPV, id shoot the stupid fucking slut in the face and then end my own life. homicide/suicide is probably the most meaningful thing anyone can ever enact.

ive had sex with some females here and there but im not a retard. And if anyone thinks I am, they obviously dont know me. Im picky as fuck.


What a guy!

Browns are unwatchable, btw.

Dut

Anonymous said...

If unexplainable bad things happen to people that rip on Tebow...then I feel bad for Stephen Tulloch because him Tebowing right next to Tebow after he sacked him was fucking tremendous.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I saw that, Drew. Mocking God is a slippery slope.

GMoney said...

When Bill Parcells isn't hating the Japanese, he is saying things like "You are what your record says you are". I am 7-1 and KICKED YOUR SHIT. You are not better than me. You and Suhpaman That should kill each other. After all, homicide/suicide is probably the most meaningful thing anyone can ever enact.

I do play Lange on the Brees bye week though. So he will probably get me then. But 11-2 and the one seed in the playoffs sounds ELITE to me.

Anonymous said...

G$,

In regards to my oversimplified explanation of why I am doing well in the MSFL, let me give you my 2 rules to be successful in life: Rule #1 - Don't let others know what you know.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I was just re-reading my linked candy post (because I'm an egomaniac). This comment written by me...

Grumpy probably gives kids Werther's Originals.

...is absolutely hilarious.

I made a deal with the wife tonight that I would man the candy station for a half hour of the 2 hour block (so she could make the MAN OF THE HOUSE a sensible dinner). I'm giving out nothing but Sweet Tarts so that the leftovers are nothing but Twix and Snickers.

Anonymous said...

Rule #2- cam newton is jesus

Dut

Anonymous said...

I assume you didn't understand the reason for not putting rule #2 down. However, I am a beneficiary of Cam Newton this year, too, so I will allow it.

-Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

That was an awfully depressing week. Tulloch's Tebowing was pretty damn funny, though.

The Iceman said...

Cam Newton is going to be so terrible next year. He's gonna be worse than my MSFL team.

Anonymous said...

“Can you believe ’15’?” one Detroit Lions defender asked after his team’s 45-10 immolation of Tebow and the Denver Broncos. “Come on – that’s embarrassing. I mean, it’s a joke. We knew all week that if we brought any kind of defensive pressure, he couldn’t do anything. In the second half it got boring out there. We were like, ‘Come on – that’s your quarterback? Seriously?’ ”

--Drew

GMoney said...

Hey anonymous Lions defender, their other options were a drunk and a faggot.

Mr. Ace said...

I am going to rush the field tonight after the Book Hockey Facials officially beat Over Rated tonight. Iceman you better fucking have something to say about that clown shit on Saturday night. Don't make me re-post my storming the court/rushing the field guidelines.

And yes, Shady is DA BEST. Nothing has changed.

GMoney said...

Derek Lowe is a WINdian...BOW DOWN!

You know the rules, Ape. We can laugh at the rubes (that celebrated a home win over the #16 team in the country by trespassing yet will hide behind some vague excuse of exhuberance) tomorrow.

The Iceman said...

Don't tell me my business, Devil woman.

Anonymous said...

I trust Iceman to write about a sweet game and not let others try to discuss something completely irrelevant to avoid talking about something positive in regards to OSU football.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew hearts Iceman. Totes hearts.

PhoneSex said...

f unexplainable bad things happen to people that rip on Tebow...then I feel bad for Stephen Tulloch because him Tebowing right next to Tebow after he sacked him was fucking tremendous.