Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Suh! Tebow! Beck! Carson! Other Stuff!

Thou shalt not doubt me.
Due to circumstances that take place in a world where I’m a lot less awesome (the real one vs. the internet where I am a force), I have been unable to publish any pro football-related posts over the last two weeks. There is no doubt in my mind that you have missed my wonderful musings. Fear not, kind pedophiles, because I am going to fill the void in your souls that you usually fill with pre-teen boy pee. I will be covering two whole weeks of NFL thoughts this morning and if you think that this will be free of the QB who is seated at the right hand of the Father, then you are sorely mistaken. First things first, old news:

Jim Schwartz – It isn’t often that I would look down on anyone trying to start a fight, but Schwartz totes pulled a The Situation on Harbaugh. I still think that he acted like a cunt during that and only decided to go insane once there were 8 300 pound black dudes between the two coaches. Let me give Jim some advice because I don’t want to stop loving the guy. You can’t act the way that you do on the sidelines (which is awesome, by the way, please keep it up) and then get pissed off when someone else does it to you. That’s what ferry-ass hypocrites do. Take Rex Ryan for example. He talked shit about Norv and Norv fired back with a better zinger. Rex’s rebuttal: a win on Sunday. Don’t get mad, get Glad.

Tim Tebow – I’m not sure what to make of his performance on Sunday. Every analyst out there has already chimed in with decent pieces about Timmy. I guess I’ll just say this: the dude plays ugly ass football but somehow he is always in it in the 4th quarter. I would take him over John Beck any day. That might not be a compliment though. The Dolphins are fucking TERRIBLE by the way.

The Lions – Uh oh. Why am I getting the feeling that they’ve already peaked and now the shit is slowly starting to hit the fan? Now I’m not going to pull an Eric Karabell and say that they are going to finish 8-8, but I think the last two weeks have shown that they aren’t as close to the Packers level as some may have initially thought. Stafford is banged up (took long enough!). Jahvid Best can’t do anything if it isn’t a shotgun hand-off and those rarely work in the NFL (at least not consistently). You can run on these guys. They have almost zero discipline. That offensive line is as terrible as Nate Burleson. I don’t particularly care about Suh calling for the meat wagon when Matty Ice was down, but it was kind of a douche move nonetheless. Why would you go out of your way to piss off your opponent? The Lions still have the Pack twice, at the Bears, the Saints, Cammy Cam, TEBOW, Al Davis, and Marmalard left. You know what, 8-8 might not be that much of a stretch. That’s a pretty tough schedule.

Carson Palmer – Remember this guy? He’s still terrible. Joe Flacco-bad. I don’t really think that anyone won or lost on that trade. The Raiders would have wasted those picks anyway (and it most certainly will not be two #1’s). Mike Brown got “rewarded” for being a terrible owner. I won’t call him a winner out of spite since he’ll end up playing hardball and thus having a hold-out with whoever they draft with those picks. But, yes, Carson still blows. He still can’t get enough heat on those out patterns and thus a ton of pick sixes are coming. They should have just went with TP and just ran the wildcat for 4 quarters. Seriously.

Philip Rivers – I’ve always felt that the Floatmaster General was a tad overrated anyway, and he is doing nothing to crush those thoughts this season. The fuck is going on with Marmalard? He’s terrible this season. It’s like the Chargers are 4-2 despite his uneven and underwhelming play. But he seems like the biggest douchebag ever so I will continue to root against him.

The Texans – By the way, if you don’t visit Iceman’s home site (which you shouldn’t), he was quick to dismiss Arian Foster going into this season. Uh, check yo’self, Ice, because when that guy’s legs are right, he oh so sick. The Texans were my preseason AFC champion and I’m sticking with it. If you believe that the Packers run last year can be repeated, then Houston appears to have that same formula. Everyone is hurt early but they persevere and are ready to roll come the playoffs.

The Redskins – Well, that was a fun first 5 weeks. Not many teams can go into their bye at 3-1 and then look worse than the Dolphins after it. That takes special skills. The Skins have now lost 5 starters from a below average offense over the last 2 games and I’m ready to call this season over now. John Beck is fucking terrible. At least with Rex, he’s hilarious when he sucks. I can laugh when he throws a pick into quadruple coverage just because it’s such a Sex Cannon thing to do. With Beck, not so much. Mormons are awful. Did anyone here ever watch Big Love? Worst show ever. Since our three wins has us out of the Luck Derby due to Miami and Indy not winning three games combined this year, it’s time to start scouting the other arms in the 2012 Draft. I’m digging Ramblin’ Red Barkley more and more. Anyone that skull-fucks Brian Kelly can play for my team. I forgot how much it blows when your team’s season is over before week 8.

Fantasy Corner – As I mentioned yesterday, I’m fairly legit and elite this season in every league. Mos def not OVERRATED. The Hightower ACL tear has me scrambling a bit in the DFL and MSFL (combined 12-2!) but we will persevere. Feel free to discuss your fantasies today.

That about covers it. I’m quite certain that Drew will be quick to defend the Lions and that’s OK. I haven’t fought with him in almost a week. I will leave you with this question to ponder (not Christian): what happens on Sunday when Suh and Tebow collide? The apocalypse? Probably the apocalypse.


Grumpy said...

"Anyone that skull-fucks Brian Kelly can play on my team."

That right there makes it worth getting out of bed in the morning.

GMoney said...

I thought it was your enlarged prostate that got you out of bed every morning?

I could live with Barkley though. He looked a lot better in primetime than Landry Jones did. But what about coming up with a hip slogan for these two in the same style as "Suck for Luck"? Handy for Landry? Bone for Jones? Splat for Matt? Shart for Bark?

Anonymous said...

Agree to disagree completely on Schwartz. Harbaugh is a huge douchebag and you could see the craziness flick in Schwartz's face after Harbaugh said something right after the hand/back wasn't when 300 lb black guys were in between.

I'm not sure I agree or disagree with you on the Lions. Only full-scale retards like Demetrious Stanley thought they were going to go undefeated into Thanksgiving. They had two MONSTER comebacks that got them to 5-0...they were bound to drop a couple games. I think the rush defense will shore up very well as the season goes on. I think they will finish 10-6....and that's pretty awesome for a team that just a couple years ago was 0-16 and has a make-up of young stars in Mega, Stafford, Pettigrew, Suh, Fairley and Delmas. Notice I didn't include Jahvid in there...think his brain is too mushy to be included. Loved a couple Fairley flashes last week...gonna be a stud.

I honestly hope Suh paralyzes Tebow this weekend and says "Tell Jesus to come down with the cart".


GMoney said...

It's too early to be dropping Demetrius's stupidity in the comments. I feel bad for Dee Miller (who is much smarter) because I can't tell their two voices apart.

Look, everyone knows that Harbaugh is a douche. His 49ers, a terrible franchise, just pulled off a huge upset on the road. What was Schwartz expecting? Like I said, I love the guy, but you can't call Dez Bryant a fucking idiot one week and then get all butt-hurt two weeks later when a douche gets too excited at the handshake. You just can't. It was a rare lapse in judgment.

I almost forgot to mention the HUGE SB 26 rematch this week IN CANADA! Skins/Bills! BRING BACK MARK RYPIEN! TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES, MARK RYPIEN'S DAUGHTER!

The Iceman said...

God would never allow Tebow to get paralyzed. He has a protective Jesus bubble around him. Honestly...has Tebow ever been seriously hurt? I can't remember a time.

I stand by my Foster comments G$. Since Ben Tate is also having a sweet year, is it Foster...or the O-line/teams they're playing?

You don't want Matt Barkley and his stash of tranny porn mags. He'll show up to all the parties and stick his dick in the potato salad. Besides, I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back for his Senior year.

Anonymous said...

G$....But, Dez Bryant is a fucking idiot.

Iceman...Tebow has not been hurt yet...but he also has never been on the same field with Suh.


Prime99 said...

"I stand by my Foster comments G$. Since Ben Tate is also having a sweet year, is it Foster...or the O-line/teams they're playing?"

And this is why I have the most total points and you have zero wins in the MSFL, Iceman. I thought we agreed to not make O Zline excuses earlier in the year- it goes the other way as well.

Anonymous said...

Arian foster is the truth! How many 41 fantasy point days does Tate have? Foster has 1.... Foster>Tate.. Why do I get the feeling that there is going to be a foster/elite debate today?

The lions are going to fizzle. I think we all know that. I will, however, be betting on the fighting suhs this week. Lions over broncos by .5? Yes please. Denver and tebow are rotten.

Do people think tebow is good after that performance? If they were playing against any other team they would have gotten killed. Tebow had multiple bauserman-esque throws.

Ps- autocorrect on my phone turns bauserman into "abuser-man"! Sounds about right!


Anonymous said...

Iceman- with your analogy, does that mean that Tom Brady isn't elite? Matt cassel stepped in and the pats didn't miss a beat when Tom got hurt. Must be the o-line and schedule.


GMoney said...

I'm pro-Arian as well as he just did something this week that no one since Marshall Faulk has done (100/100). Sounds elite to me.

Don't do it, Dut. That's what Vegas (or Costa Rica) wants you to do. The streets will be filled with the blood of the non-believers. And that line is 3.5 I thought, not .5.

Anonymous said...

The line is 2.5 in favor of the Lions from what I can tell.


Anonymous said...

My MSFL team sucks taint because of Marmalard. He is single handedly responsible for my 0-6 start.

You're comparing a guy who has multiple MVPs and Super Bowl rings to a guy who has had one supurb season. Relax, Dut. Deangelo Williams had 1700 yards and 18 touchdowns a few years ago. He MUST be the next coming of Emmitt Smiff.

I'm simply saying let's give it a few years before we all start waiting in line to suck off Arian Nation.


GMoney said...

I'm simply saying let's give it a few years before we all start waiting in line to suck off Arian Nation.

BULLSHIT. That wasn't your fucking argument! You said something along the lines of even if he was healthy, you wouldn't touch Foster this year. And that right there explains to everyone why you should change your team name to ROD MARINELLI.

And if you want to ask if it's Houston's OL that makes Arian ELITE, I'd be willing to bet that there isn't more than one Pro Bowler on that unit.

Does it hurt when I smack you on the forehead with my dong? Because your brothers can't get enough.

Prime99 said...

"I'm pro-Arian as well"

There is a Nazi joke in there somewhere...

Anonymous said...



GMoney said...

Getting served just like the "little brother" Red Wings! WOOOOOO!!! Carry the Flag!!! HERE WE CUM!!!