Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Welcome back to the Tuesday edition of The Money Shot where we do Tuesday things. Today, I will be showing the Internet world how dumb we all are as a collective group. Well, not me...but all of you, since these are all of your sloping forehead caveman picks. But first...God damn you Rusty Wilson! How dare you and the Badgers make me look like a silly nanny! I was perfectly content with watching you plow through Michigan State's vaginal wall en route to a murderous blowout. Instead, you let Kirk Cousins and his 3rd string CFL talent beat you with a desperation heave caught by Keith Nichol's nose. Dear God, did you see that thing? Talk about a pussy restricter. Don't fart in front of him...it could actually kill him. Now that William Gholston is back I can't wait to see what he gets suspended for next. My guess would be attempting to punch a hole through someone's face after presenting him with a 4th grade math problem on a flash card. I don't know where I'm going with this. God, I fucking hate the Spartans. Moving on. What say we revisit some preseason predictions from The Money Shot commenters and find out who the winners and losers are.
Iceman - Because I always win.
GSaul - Picking Shittsburgh as your underrated team didn't help your cause, but you found redemption in the state of Texas when most people find obesity or crystal meth. Ryan Tannehill has been impressive and you called it good sir! I won't penalize you for LaMichael James since he's still 11th in rushing yards despite missing two games from the most gnarly elbow dislocation this side of the Prime Meridian. He would be in the Heisman talk if not for that injury...and should be despite it. In the future do yourself a favor and ignore the Big East like the rest of the world.
Drew - Fuck. I can't believe you made the cut, but the numbers don't lie. You had a complete meltdown in your overrated/underrated picks (Ok State 4 losses, Ohio State finishing in the top 10), but are the only one who still has BOTH picks for the title game still alive (Alabama over Stanford). Your Heisman pick is currently sitting at 3rd and I'm pretty sure JoePa's funeral is scheduled for sometime in April when the ground thaws. We clearly fucking hate each other, but at least you know your shit...some of the time. You know, when you aren't sucking the sperm from Ohio State's bumpy shaft like a starving, strung out, third world country prostitute.
GMoney - Even though you took the pussy way out, I suppose I'll let you in to the ELITE club of winners. Notre Dame overrated? Oooooooo, what a risk taker! Andrew Luck for the Heisman?! Someone talk this man down from the ledge!! What will he blow our minds with next? Watch in jaw dropping awe as GMoney drives FIVE miles an hour over the speed limit. Gasp in astonishment as he orders a SECOND helping of Spanish rice. Such an adrenaline junkie. Okay, I'm done. I was mildly impressed with your Eric Page and Brock Osweiler picks. Good, not great. At least you untucked your balls for a second to make those picks. But you lose points for sucking the juice out of Beamer's silicon turkey neck and buying into V-Tech. Even with Miami OH's schedule these snatch napkins aren't going undefeated.
Damman - I almost instantly banished you to the loser category on a knee jerk reaction for calling for Dabo Swinney's head at the end of the season. But I decided to allow it since Clemson usually disappoints in brilliant fashion. Overall, there was just too much fowl odor here to ignore. The Virginia Tech Fake Necks are 7-1, Purdue still blows and neither Boise or Oklahoma will sniff the title game. Also for the record, I want to keep my eye on Juron Criner as much as I want to keep my eye on Oprah's mangled beef curtains spread wide open with her Johnsonville John Madden sausage fingers.
Dut - /fart noise. Good call on Arkansas, genius. And tell me again why I'm supposed to keep my eye on John Brantley. So I have a better reason to mail you a bag of my shit? Brantley is worse than your call for Florida State to be in the national championship game. You are a terrible, rotten person and are definitely NOT elite. Unless we're talking about making dumb predictions. You are PLATINUM ELITE in that category. But at least you didn't suck as much as Damman. Damman is so rotten he probably hates stuff like ice cream and fake tits.
The Wig Master - Do you even read this blog? Well if you do, congratulations. LSU overrated and Ohio State underrated was incredibly dumb. Why would you pick a team who finished 8th in the country last year to be overrated? Not to mention the fact that LSU has finished 1st, 8th and 10th in recruiting since 2009. Les Miles may drink out of the toilet, but son of a bitch can that fucker recruit talent. The better than average year that Stedman Baily is having doesn't even come close to making amends for this brutal error. And Landry Jones is a dick sucking hobo.
In conclusion, it would only be fair to point out that I was completely wrong about Wisconsin. Don't get me wrong, they're good. But they aren't national title good. I made the mistake of going all in despite the weak competition. Wisconsin reminds me of this: A few years ago, I was at a bar with some friends. We were all a little fried when this group of girls walk in. My buddy turns to me and says, "I can't figure out if that chick in the black is hot or fat, but I intend to find out." The next morning I get a text that reads, "She just got into the shower. Come get me...quickly. And for the record she was more fat than hot." Thanks for playing, fat girl. Oh yeah, and Jaamal Berry got arrested. So it looks like there's at least one guy who is a bigger fuck than anyone on this website. Enjoy, piss stains.