Tuesday, October 04, 2011

College Football...The Triumphant Return!

               "That Bauserman sure is purty.  He can suck my tooth any day."

I just want to throw this out there first.  Cam Newton can get fucked and float back down to earth at his earliest convenience.  I'm not gonna bore you with the details, just know I want Cam to suffer a knee injury so severe they have to fix him with dead guy parts.  Upon further review, that last statement was a little too harsh so I'll back off some and revise to:  I want Cam to start hanging out with Vince Young in the hopes of whatever Young has that makes him so terrible rubs off.  That's better.  I heard there was some college football on Saturday.  The envelopes please...

Pussy Magnet award - Russell Wilson (Wisconsin)

I'm selling all of my personal items and putting it all in Russell Wilson stock.  I'm calling it now.  Heisman Trophy winner.  Who the fuck needs baseball?  This cat is currently playing himself into the first round of the NFL draft.  The only problem I had was being forced to listen to Mushmouthburger and Kirk Thirdstring crank each other's meat wagons every time Russell did ANYTHING.  Don't get me wrong, dude's good but fuck beans!  Even on a 3 yard scramble by Rusty (that's what I'm calling him now) I could barely make out what Hermie was saying over the slurps.  Christ almighty, it was almost like watching soft core porn.  That's a love triangle no one wants a part of.

Colostomy Bag Award - Ohio State's offense

Were those girls playing?  Holy fuckin moley, God damn powder puff team out there.  Loosen up the Twilight  thongs next time and you can probably muster more than 178 yards of total offense.  My personal favorite stat line from the game was 39 rushing attempts for 35 yards.  Tasty.  The Best Text I Received award goes to a shit faced Damman.  Thanks for taking a break in between making out with other drunk men to send me this gem:  "I wish Rex was our QB was Rex.  I just saw that text I sent you...drunk ass.  Whatever, we suck regardless."  That you do Damman.  That you do.  But to defend Sexy Rexy, no one throws the slant like Ol' One Three does.  I do have to say that I am in a glass case of emotion with the return of Joey Ballgame.  It's like when that dog you wrote off for dead comes wandering back into your life unannounced.  Dust off your trucker hats and Fabreze your spaghetti stained Jimmy Johnson t-shirts, Hillbilly Nation.  Bauserman is back to show you what being a 1-star QB is all about!

I Guess You're Okay Award - Michigan's defense

Doth mine eyes deceive me??  Michigan is 2nd in the nation in points allowed and 32nd in overall team defense?  I'm laughing like a bastard.  I know it's early and I know the Wolverines have played brain dead KFC cooks through week 5, but fuck it.  I'm getting excited anyway.  At this point last year, that dick sore Greg Robinson had zero answers for anything and Michigan was forced to just outscore everyone.  And Greg just stood there...smelling like a French whore.  Stood there digging for shit in his asshole while the camera caught everything and the world laughed.  But not anymore baby!  This group of fuck ups from last year is really starting to grow on me and I take back half of the bad things I probably said about all of their mothers.  It was the heat of the moment...telling me what my heart meant...I will not apologize for quoting Asia.  I know you can't cover a festering AIDS lesion with a Transformer Band-Aid and this group will get exposed at some point this year.  But you HAVE to admit they look light years better than last year...and that's worth celebrating.  Naked.

I Bet You're A Sex Offender Award - Taylor Martinez (Nebraska)

Zero emotion.  This guy played with absolutely zero emotion.  And I bet he sniffs people's morning boners while they're still sleeping.  I fuckin hate guys like that.  And to boot, his game is a compost pile/gorilla afterbirth mixture.  Throws a pick six, stone faced.  Wins 30 free burritos at Del Taco...stone faced.  Conducts a game winning drive, stone faced.  Watches mother get raped with a tire iron, applauds loudly.  Just kidding.  But you get my drift.  The guy was responsible for so many dumb plays on Saturday and whenever the cameras showed him it looked like he couldn't wait to hit the showers and wash his teammates dicks for them.  Even when Pelini's nose looked like it was about to strangle the life from Martinez, he was completely dead behind the eyes...like he was in one of those Corona commercials.  I was secretly hoping for one more interception so I could watch Big Bo puke blood all over Martinez's helmet.  Because you know it was almost to that point.  Fuck Martinez.  I hope John Simon breaks this queen in half on Saturday.

For Realsies Award - Wisconsin (again)

I'm trying not to have repeat winners in any category, but fuck!  This needs to be said again.  Wisconsin is a real threat to play for the National Title.  They are hate fucking everything in their path and I can't be happier that Michigan was able to dodge this double headed power dildo this year.  I honestly thought that Nebraska would have the juice to hang with the Wisconsin Honey Badgers.  Go fuck yourself, Iceman.  Dead wrong.  There are six funerals left on Wisconsin's schedule and none are a real threat to blemish the perfect record that is almost certain to happen.  MSU's defense is tough, as is the Buckeyes but neither have an offense that can even come close to putting points on Wisconsin.  OSU has either a NASCAR pit crew member or a deer in headlights freshman quarterbacking while Cousins is trying his best to INT Sparty to a loss every week.  Plus Cousins pays people to fart in his mouth.  Pencil Wisconsin into the title game, but get the pen ready because 1-3 could lose at any point.

This is My Shocked Face Award - Clemson

Everyone in the ACC is a sexual predator with fake postings on Craig's List.  Clemson is no different.  They present you with a false reality and even though every fiber of your body screams danger, you let your guard down and believe the hype.  Next thing you know, your butthole is being raped, you get murdered and some weird guy named Melvin is wearing your back skin as underwear.  Don't become Melvin's flesh underwear.  Stay far far away from Clemson and the ACC.  Don't make your family suffer in a moment of weakness.

After reviewing this post it appears I was all things Big Ten with a splash of ACC nonsense this week.  I didn't mean for that to happen but fuckin deal with it.  Tuesday's are all mine!  Next week I promise to spread it around like a 40 year old married business man, father of two at a high end strip club.  Please, come closer.  You can aaaaaall put your titties in my face.  It's only my kids college fund.  They can either be sweet at sports or pay their own way.  Your 20 year old flesh muffins are currently way more important than my childrens future.  What the fuck just happened there?  I'm losing it.  Happy Tuesday fucksticks.


Grumpy said...

As much as I hate to admit it, Tuesdays are becoming my favorite day of the week. Well done, Iceman, well done.

GMoney said...

Wisconsin is a real threat to play for the National Title.

--Eh, not really. LSU or Bama is already in. Oklahoma is more talented than every team on their schedule. Clemson's sched would jump Wisky's if they run it (HUGE if). Same with Stanford. Maybe Boise, too. Face it, Oregon State and the rest of the conference is taking a dump all over the Badgers this year. I mean, it's possible but they need a ton of right to happen.

Grump, so what you're saying is that I was right all along and Iceman was a good hire? I told you so.

Might as well get this out of the way...Gerry Davis is in the Klan. That is the only explanation for what he did last night. A very good game was ruined by the goddamn strike zone. Bullshit. And yes, it was terrible on both sides (but bizarrely more toward CC). What the fuck was that? It's like he wanted to punish those two for going on two days rest.

Whatever, I beat Dan in the DFL by .8 points this week. He is not happy I'm told. ELITE AS A MOTHAFUCKA.

Anonymous said...

"Eh, not really" -- You serious bro-ham? You're an idiot if you think an undefeated Wisconsin team would "need a ton of right to happen" to make it into the NCG....especially with the big ten having a championship game. A good chuckle was spent at the thought of an undefeated Clemson making it over them...wouldn't happen.

Quit crying like a little bitch about the strike zone too. Have some class like C.C.

Braxton's gonna throw for 250 and 2 TD's....plus run for 110 and 2 TD's this weekend and the Buckeyes crush the Huskers.

No...in no way do I think Braxton or OSU are doing that this weekend. Fuck me.


GMoney said...

My boy, Herbie, agrees that Wisky needs a lot of help. An undefeated Clemson with wins over Auburn, VT, FSU, GT, and Spurrier would MOS DEF make it over an undefeated Wisky team with wins over Nebraska and nobody else. OBVZ Clemson usually sucks but Tahj Boyd pretty sick.

I rarely complain about the officials (Angel Hernandez is the exception) but it appeared that the Grand Wizard was using his brown eye to track pitches last night. It was embarrassing. Gerry Davis should not be the goddamn lead story at 8 am on Fatso and the Fag (with Cris Carter!).

Anonymous said...

The only reason it's a story is because your boy Girardi is crying.


MuDawgfan said...

You better hope that either Oklahoma, LSU, Alabama all three lose if you want Wisconsin in the title game.

Their schedule is garbage and there is nobody left to give them a bump in the standings.

Meanwhile, Oklahoma goes OOC and beats FSU, Bama pounds Penn State, LSU mans the fuck up and smokes WVU and Oregon. All of them are more qualified than the Badgers.

Another Rose Bowl is more likely.

MuDawgfan said...

Actually, I'd love to see a Wisconsin/Stanford Rose Bowl. Matchup of the two top QB's in the 2012 NFL draft?

Anonymous said...

Thanks Grumpy. I bring my "A" game every week. You silly bastards deserve it.

Oklahomo has 5 ranked teams left of the schedule. They aren't winning all of them. Plus Laundry Jones hasn't shown shit against good teams so far. Like I said last week, they'll probably fuck up and lose to a much less talented Texas team on Saturday.

Bama and LSU play each other and if Bama loses (which they probably will) a then #3 Wisconsin will jump them and play for the title. As long as Wisconsin keeps blowing everyone out (including the one ranked team they have left), no one is jumping them. Especially if they murder whoever they play in the Big Ten Championship game.

Didn't you just read about Melvin and his skin underwear, G$? No ACC!!! I see Ga. Tech's running game humping Clemson into submission and Clemson probably losing at least another game after that.

GMoney said...

Drew, I turned it off right before your 300 pound fluke closer started dancing like an asshole and I heard/read no quotes. So I don't know what you're talking about of if the Yankees made a big deal about it or not.

All I'm saying is when was the last time that Austin Jackson walked in consecutive at-bats??? History shows that he has a terrible eye yet there he was...benefitting from a rotten strike zone. AJ walked TWICE.

Whatever. You guys are in big, big trouble now with AJ Burnett taking the bump tonight. Best 80 million that the Steinbrenner's ever spent!

Oh, and let's not let Iceman off the hook here...Rusty Wilson will not win the Heisman. Jesus, that was 'tarded.

Anonymous said...

Whatever, G$. I'm assuming you're like the rest of the country and have already given it to Luck.

If you look at Rusty's stats compared to Luck, they're actually better than Goblin Face's. And Rusty has played tougher competition to this point. I don't think it's a ridiculous comment at all.

Anonymous said...

I like how MUDawg uses "Bama pounds Penn State" to prop Bama up and then uses "there is nobody left to give them a bump in the standings" to take down Wisconsin....when they still play Penn State.

So dumb....for real.


Anonymous said...

I thought the strikezone was tight, but he was calling it the same way for both teams. Valverde had to strike out Jeter twice!

Anyway, the Yankees were lucky to be in that game. The Tigers didn't capitalize on their opportunities and the Yankees did for the most part on their few chances.

The Yankees seem to be in panic mode, but I don't feel good about tonight either. Porcello is probably a bigger wildcard than Burnett. Hopefully Avila and Victor can stop playin like a bunch of Nancys.

Brandon Inge, Ramon Santiago, and Don Kelly PWN the Yanks.

Can this college football season just get over with already? I'm not sure I can handle any more of this garbage.


Anonymous said...

Drew- that's typical SEC logic. Regardless, Penn State is awful this year. Using them to brag about Bama is dumber than hail.


Grumpy said...

I agree with Iceman on several counts. (Jesus, did I just type that?) Oklahoma and Bama will lose and Wisconsin will play in the title game. Wilson has to be a serious Heisman contender. Is he really better at baseball, because he's sure impressive at QB?

Anonymous said...

They talked about Wilson's baseball skills week 1, Grump. It sounds like he's good but just couldn't hack it...which is probably why he chose to use his final year of eligibility. Kid can play, that's for sure.

MUDawgfan said...

Drew - if I could read to you slowly, in a childlike voice, I would.

As it goes, I'll have to type it in small fragments so you and your Ohio State education will comprehend.

The author of the blog post, Iceman (REMEMBER HIM BIG GUY??)

He argued that if Wisconsin finished undefeated

They would be in the championship game!

Except (WHOOPSIE!) their ability to beat other good teams is really limited now

and they are depending on getting a bump from beating teams like

PENN STATE (Hurray!)

(this is where it gets tricky, so sit down for a minute or come back later after you've had some milk or juice).

Alabama plays in a much much much much much better league than Wisconsin (I used "much" multiple times to make it fun for you! LOLZ).

So while they get to beat a team like Penn State

Which helps them AND Wisconsin

They also get to beat Auburn, Florida, LSU (maybe), Arkansas...etc

Thus (stay with me) the Penn State win DOES prop up Alabama now, but wins over Florida, Auburn, Arkansas and (maybe) LSU

Will do much, much, much, much (again - isnt this fun kiddo!)more to help Alabama than it will to help Wisconsin.

If you made it this far, take a nap, burn a couch and shit in a cooler kid. You've earned it.

MuDawgfan said...

Didn't realize Dut commented too. My HTML skills are limited, otherwise I try to make it clear to him in coloring book fashion why the win over Penn State helps Bama and Wisconsin, but the SEC schedule puts them way over the top if they finish unbeaten.

Anonymous said...

MUDawg...I thought to myself originally taht that could have been your point, but then I remembered that you have English skills of not just a downie, but a dumb downie and realized that wasn't your path. I'm glad you found it after we were able to show you how dumb you were though.


Anonymous said...

What happens when Michigan goes undefeated and bests Wisky in the b10 title game? A 2012 title game preview of the 2012 opener vs UM and Bama. I think so. You heard it here first.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

MUDawg > Drew and Dut

You just got served and hopefully severed.

Who would've ever thought that that win over Toledo might be the win that gets anOSU to a bowl game this year? Bizarre. Can the NCAA just give OSU a TV ban already? No one wants to watch that shit anyway.

Anonymous said...

What happens when Michigan goes undefeated and bests Wisky in the b10 title game? A 2012 title game preview of the 2012 opener vs UM and Bama. I think so. You heard it here first.

If that happens I will absolutely be spending the weekend in jail. FACT.

GMoney said...

FACT - It is impossible to prison rape The Iceman. How do you rape a willing participant?

Anonymous said...

Easy: Make Iceman be the top. Won't be so willing then.


Anonymous said...

My best defense to prison rape? I try and rape you back. Makes things awkward.