Tuesday, October 04, 2011
I just want to throw this out there first. Cam Newton can get fucked and float back down to earth at his earliest convenience. I'm not gonna bore you with the details, just know I want Cam to suffer a knee injury so severe they have to fix him with dead guy parts. Upon further review, that last statement was a little too harsh so I'll back off some and revise to: I want Cam to start hanging out with Vince Young in the hopes of whatever Young has that makes him so terrible rubs off. That's better. I heard there was some college football on Saturday. The envelopes please...
Pussy Magnet award - Russell Wilson (Wisconsin)
I'm selling all of my personal items and putting it all in Russell Wilson stock. I'm calling it now. Heisman Trophy winner. Who the fuck needs baseball? This cat is currently playing himself into the first round of the NFL draft. The only problem I had was being forced to listen to Mushmouthburger and Kirk Thirdstring crank each other's meat wagons every time Russell did ANYTHING. Don't get me wrong, dude's good but fuck beans! Even on a 3 yard scramble by Rusty (that's what I'm calling him now) I could barely make out what Hermie was saying over the slurps. Christ almighty, it was almost like watching soft core porn. That's a love triangle no one wants a part of.
Colostomy Bag Award - Ohio State's offense
Were those girls playing? Holy fuckin moley, God damn powder puff team out there. Loosen up the Twilight thongs next time and you can probably muster more than 178 yards of total offense. My personal favorite stat line from the game was 39 rushing attempts for 35 yards. Tasty. The Best Text I Received award goes to a shit faced Damman. Thanks for taking a break in between making out with other drunk men to send me this gem: "I wish Rex was our QB was Rex. I just saw that text I sent you...drunk ass. Whatever, we suck regardless." That you do Damman. That you do. But to defend Sexy Rexy, no one throws the slant like Ol' One Three does. I do have to say that I am in a glass case of emotion with the return of Joey Ballgame. It's like when that dog you wrote off for dead comes wandering back into your life unannounced. Dust off your trucker hats and Fabreze your spaghetti stained Jimmy Johnson t-shirts, Hillbilly Nation. Bauserman is back to show you what being a 1-star QB is all about!
I Guess You're Okay Award - Michigan's defense
Doth mine eyes deceive me?? Michigan is 2nd in the nation in points allowed and 32nd in overall team defense? I'm laughing like a bastard. I know it's early and I know the Wolverines have played brain dead KFC cooks through week 5, but fuck it. I'm getting excited anyway. At this point last year, that dick sore Greg Robinson had zero answers for anything and Michigan was forced to just outscore everyone. And Greg just stood there...smelling like a French whore. Stood there digging for shit in his asshole while the camera caught everything and the world laughed. But not anymore baby! This group of fuck ups from last year is really starting to grow on me and I take back half of the bad things I probably said about all of their mothers. It was the heat of the moment...telling me what my heart meant...I will not apologize for quoting Asia. I know you can't cover a festering AIDS lesion with a Transformer Band-Aid and this group will get exposed at some point this year. But you HAVE to admit they look light years better than last year...and that's worth celebrating. Naked.
I Bet You're A Sex Offender Award - Taylor Martinez (Nebraska)
Zero emotion. This guy played with absolutely zero emotion. And I bet he sniffs people's morning boners while they're still sleeping. I fuckin hate guys like that. And to boot, his game is a compost pile/gorilla afterbirth mixture. Throws a pick six, stone faced. Wins 30 free burritos at Del Taco...stone faced. Conducts a game winning drive, stone faced. Watches mother get raped with a tire iron, applauds loudly. Just kidding. But you get my drift. The guy was responsible for so many dumb plays on Saturday and whenever the cameras showed him it looked like he couldn't wait to hit the showers and wash his teammates dicks for them. Even when Pelini's nose looked like it was about to strangle the life from Martinez, he was completely dead behind the eyes...like he was in one of those Corona commercials. I was secretly hoping for one more interception so I could watch Big Bo puke blood all over Martinez's helmet. Because you know it was almost to that point. Fuck Martinez. I hope John Simon breaks this queen in half on Saturday.
For Realsies Award - Wisconsin (again)
I'm trying not to have repeat winners in any category, but fuck! This needs to be said again. Wisconsin is a real threat to play for the National Title. They are hate fucking everything in their path and I can't be happier that Michigan was able to dodge this double headed power dildo this year. I honestly thought that Nebraska would have the juice to hang with the Wisconsin Honey Badgers. Go fuck yourself, Iceman. Dead wrong. There are six funerals left on Wisconsin's schedule and none are a real threat to blemish the perfect record that is almost certain to happen. MSU's defense is tough, as is the Buckeyes but neither have an offense that can even come close to putting points on Wisconsin. OSU has either a NASCAR pit crew member or a deer in headlights freshman quarterbacking while Cousins is trying his best to INT Sparty to a loss every week. Plus Cousins pays people to fart in his mouth. Pencil Wisconsin into the title game, but get the pen ready because 1-3 could lose at any point.
This is My Shocked Face Award - Clemson
Everyone in the ACC is a sexual predator with fake postings on Craig's List. Clemson is no different. They present you with a false reality and even though every fiber of your body screams danger, you let your guard down and believe the hype. Next thing you know, your butthole is being raped, you get murdered and some weird guy named Melvin is wearing your back skin as underwear. Don't become Melvin's flesh underwear. Stay far far away from Clemson and the ACC. Don't make your family suffer in a moment of weakness.
After reviewing this post it appears I was all things Big Ten with a splash of ACC nonsense this week. I didn't mean for that to happen but fuckin deal with it. Tuesday's are all mine! Next week I promise to spread it around like a 40 year old married business man, father of two at a high end strip club. Please, come closer. You can aaaaaall put your titties in my face. It's only my kids college fund. They can either be sweet at sports or pay their own way. Your 20 year old flesh muffins are currently way more important than my childrens future. What the fuck just happened there? I'm losing it. Happy Tuesday fucksticks.