College Football Week 6

                        "And you can suck on these Big Ten nuts, faggots."


What's up cock warts?  This week all things Big 10 will be touched on in the intro and outro.  Welcome back evil Denard.  Those three first half interceptions were fucking masterful.  Each one was more horrifically shitty than the previous.  Hopefully Borges can find a way to keep you hidden forever...the same way Dave Thomas successfully kept his beast face whale of a daughter Wendy hidden for the majority of her life.  If anyone ever wondered what a strict diet of beef looks like, well here it is.  Drink it in fellas.  Jesus Christ, talk about false advertising.  I would at least accept a hand job from the ginger in pig tails you see on every building.  Wait..she's 18, right?  But you can keep the boar that could shut down a buffet away from me.  I bet her ham wallet smells like a Baconater.  Extra cheese.  While I go throw up my stomach lining, here are some awards.  The envelopes please...

Pussy Magnet Award - Landry Jones (Oklahoma)

I've been doing a lot of Jones/Oklahoma bashing lately but for good reason.  They haven't played shit all year and it's hard to get pumped about Jones' numbers while caving in Ball State's anus.  When they did play a good team (or what we thought was a good team in FSU), Jones sucked the high, hard one.  Now, let's be true to ourselves. Texas probably isn't any good because male homosexuals aren't that good at contact sports.  That's what I've been told anyway.  Steers and queers?  Isn't that the state motto of Texas?  So we have to wait and see how this performance looks at the end of the year.  But in the mean time I'll throw some love out right now.  This was a big game, a tough rivalry and Jones came out of the gates inspired.  I'm also treating this as a back handed compliment to Jones, so I still win in the end.  Being a pussy magnet in Oklahoma isn't something to celebrate.  I bet the best looking chicks have dried trucker sperm crusted around their bellybuttons and smell like a county fair deep friar.  Southern girls have even lower standards then whores who spread the snatch for a pill fix.  Good luck finding a broad with all her teeth, Landry.

Colostomy Bag Award - All of the Florida Gator's quarterbacks

What the fuck happened in Baton Rouge Saturday?  This is the best you've got to throw out there, Muschamp?  A limp dicked Freshman who couldn't even manage 100 passing yards?  John Brantley is a walking piss stain and will go down as one of the worst QBs in the history of Florida football...and you would have been better off if he played on Saturday.  Yeah, yeah...it's LSU and those aren't Muschamp's recruits.  Don't care.  Shit, Mississippi State kept it closer against LSU than Florida did.  And no one in that state can read.  Or breathe without sweating like Charlie Weis at The House of Meats.  There had to be something else Slick Willie could have done to keep it more competitive than 41-11.  I don't know...pay the cheerleaders to be topless the entire second half, get Billy Blanks to start shooting defenders like he did in The Last Boyscout, fucking coach better.  Something.  When you step in for a guy like Urban Meyer, you don't get passes for games like this.  I'm sorry, but you just don't.

I Guess You're Okay Award - David Wilson (Virginia Tech)

I usually make it a point to hate all things Virginia Tech.  It's just a part of my daily routine.  And just like scratching my ballsack after a fresh groom of the fingernails, it's something I really enjoy doing.  Like all the other things I hate, I really don't have a good reason.  Maybe I don't like the way Beamer's fake rubber neck-chin jiggles like belly fat whenever he moves or talks.  Maybe I don't like the mind bending nightmares the chin skin gives me.  Maybe I hate the entire state of Virginia for their loose regulations on stuff like incest, hygiene and bestiality.  Maybe I hate Asian terrorists that go on a shooting rampage because they grew tired of mother beating them with a rolling pin because the leaves didn't get raked.  Whatever the reason, I've always despised Virginia Tech.  But I like Wilson.  Go figure.  He runs hard, doesn't do a whole lot of talking and flies under the radar despite the great season he's having.  He's a huge reason why the Hokies are 5-1 instead of 3-3.  But if he's the reason their record is better...shouldn't I hate him?  I don't know what to do now...

I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Pat Fitzgerald (Northwestern)

Gaaaaaaah!  Fuck.  I tried.  I wanted to avoid all things Big 10 this week but I just can't help myself.  Fitzgerald is the asshole's asshole.  Watching this walking bulging neck vein get flagged for sprinting to midfield in a hurricane of wild fury to argue a call at a pivotal point in the game was a God damn work of art.  Temper, temper Patrick.  "He coaches with PASSION!"  No, he coaches like a coked up sociopath.  A thousand dollars says Pat goes home after losses, stands in front of a full body mirror naked and tests his manhood by seeing how many punches to the marble bag it takes until he passes out.  Real men watch themselves piss blood in the nude.  The good news is that it'll only take three broken fingers until his second grader finally takes home the Spelling Bee Championship.  We don't tolerate losers in the Fitzgerald family, Pat's Kid.  Whatever the fuck your guaranteed homo name is.  Probably something next level gay, like Sabastian.  I hope all his boys end up on the gymnastics team...or in gay porn.

For Realsies Award - Arkansas

Apparently there is more to Arkansas than meth labs and poverty.  I'll be honest, I really didn't expect a whole lot out of Ar-Kansas now that Mallett is wolfing down massive amounts of narcotics in the NFL.  There's a couple mildly impressive wins on the schedule so far and while I don't think they're a lock to run the table, they might have enough to help play spoiler for a national title hopeful and sneak into a BCS bowl at the same time.  They're a long shot to beat LSU this year, but who knows what could happen going into that game.  The SEC is super serial tough and any of the top half can take anyone out at any time.  Tyler Wilson has looked great so far and I think he has the talent to make Arkansas matter in the end.  Just keep him out of the brothels Mallet highly recommended and you should be fine.

This is My Shocked Face Award - West Virginia

Nothing in West Virginia is as it seems.  Ever.  That chick you fucked last night while visiting your cousin on the WVU campus wasn't hot or even a chick.  It only seemed that way because your entire body had fallen victim to a moonshine utopia.  That's why people in West Virginia pound gallons of that shit...because the reality of that state is a lot more depressing than the drunken fictional paradise that has been created.  Even the game against LSU was a mirage.  People who watched a few minutes of that game were most likely under the impression the game was close.  They were also under the impression that every West Virginia woman is born without a moustache.  Erroneous on both accounts.  The Big East is as fraudulent and mind numbingly boring as ever.  I've already spent too much time talking about it.  They're lucky they got this much out of me.

It wouldn't be a college football post if I didn't mention a single thing about OSU's violent collapse against Nebraska.  Holy pelvic thrusting!  I bet that loss really makes the butthole pucker.  It's games like this you wish you just got fuckin blown out.  You can pin this whole thing on Bauserman, Buckeye fans.  He just oozes failure.  It's impossible to spend that much time around a loser and not emulate the behavior.  Look at the Indians (hey!  I talked about baseball!).  That's my theory of what happened with Ohio State's defense on Saturday.  Bauserman infected the entire team by breathing his sour, shit odor onto every last soul on that sideline.  He's just a festering, cancerous boil residing on the hairy buttcheek of a high school janitor named Horace.  I wouldn't be surprised if there was a yellow-green loser fog that was hovering over the sideline that night.  Enjoy your season, guys.  It's already over.  As I promised, there's some variety for you.  Enjoy, queers.