Monday, September 19, 2011

The Worst of Week Two Vol.V

FUCK YOU, CARLOS!!!
In case you didn't see, my RedHawks completely choked at Minnesota on Saturday afternoon.  You see, the Gophers are fucking terrible.  Their QB is great...unless he has to throw.  Their coach tried to kill himself on the sideline last week when they lost at home to New Mexico State.  They probably won't win another game.  Miami had their shots to win with the ball and 2 minutes and change left.  However, they managed to run the worst two minute offense that I've ever seen, ended up getting a receiver decapitated in the end zone on the final play, and lost by 6.  The point?  Nothing...NOTHING is more infuriating as a fan than when your team is buttfucking the two minute drill into submission.  It is so maddening because there is nothing that you can do but scream at the TV.

Ask my wife.  It was like watching me die.  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING.  GET TO THE FUCKING LINE.  SNAP THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BALL, YOU ASSHOLE.  WHY ARE YOU THROWING TWO YARD PASSES INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD.  RUN A FUCKING PLAY!!!  I can't remember the last time I have been that frustrated as a fan.  It must be exactly how Mr. Ace felt during the Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb years in Philly where they never had a successful two minute drill.  Anyway, that leads me into the Worst of Week Two.  And I can't think of anything more "worst" than...

BetUs - Dead serious here. Not ten seconds after Miami's final pass fell incomplete, my Central American gambling site called my phone and asked if I would like to deposit money into my account (I have not placed a wager yet this year).  "Carlos from BetUS" was the last person that I wanted to hear from at that moment.  I gave him a "you've got to be fucking kidding me" and hung up on him.  I may never wager with them again now.

Cedric Benson's pants - Nothing beats a nice butt cheek on national TV that apparently no one on the Bengals wants to fix.  Or maybe Mike Brown just gives them one pair of pants for the entire season.  Yeah, that's probably it.

No one in the Bills/Raiders game - What a wildly entertaining game this was.  I can't tell though, are these two teams good?  They look pretty good to me.  BILLZ SICK!  Anyone still doubting my Bills as a wild card prediction?  I'm what you call "way smarter than you".  My boy, Stevie J, better not be hurt.

Cam Haters...AGAIN! - Rookie QBs are going to turn the ball over.  But Cammy Cam Cam looks fucking good.  I mean he dropped 400+ on the Super Bowl champs.  He's already better than ten starters in the league.  The Panthers are quickly becoming must-see TV for me.

Todd Haley's Family - Yeah, dude better update his resume.  The Chiefs are fucking awful.  They lose Eric Berry last week (best defender) and it looked to me like Jamaal Charles is done for the year (best playmaker).  Congrats, KC fans, you just entered the Luck Derby.  As well you should since Matt Cassel is Jake Delhomme.

People that watched the Browns/Colts game - Why was this game even televised?  Anyway, the Colts have a pretty decent chance to have the worst record in the league this year.  Would they take Luck?  That is such a huge fucking question (if they get the #1).  Would you shit on Peyton and trade his ass?  I think that if you can get Luck, you almost have to. 

Donovan McNabb - He is so bad.  The Vikes had quite the epic choke.  Minnesota and Tampa Bay are completely irrelevant.

Brian Urlacher's Mother - On second thought, I'm not going to go there.  Just know that I tried to pick her up on my award-winning DFL team yesterday morning but ESPN wouldn't let me.  Bastards.  SHOW SOME RESPECT, ESPN!  The Bears are very unlikeable and I enjoyed watching them get slaughtered by the Breesus.

Jason Hill - Who?  Oh he's just the Jags wide receiver who spent this past week talking about how Revis Island isn't that good.  And then he promptly did not play yesterday.  Jacksonville is the "back hair" of the NFL: we can all see it and know that it's there, but no one wants to acknowledge that it exists.

Pete Carroll - Nice job with this roster, Slippery Pete.

Grumpy's Heart - Be honest, old man, you nearly had a heart attack when Ben went down (and he didn't look very good the rest of the game either).  Is this the year where that terrible offensive line finally gets him killed?

Joe Flacco - Who owns the Steelers and then fists himself against the Titans?  That's pretty pathetic.  What else is there to say, really?  The Ravens are who they have always been:  pretty good but not a title contender.

Rex Grossman - His play in the first half yesterday was so bad that he should play for Ohio State.  It was classic Sex Cannon.  Drive 50 yards and then throw a pick.  It's part of his charm.  But you know, The Cumslinger hung in there and drove the field twice in the 4th to beat a rotten Arizona team.  2-0!  Monday Night Football next week!  BEAT DALLAS!!!  The Redskins are undefeated...I like the sound of that.  You know what, next Monday is going to be awesome.  Grossman in primetime!

Tony Romo's: A Place For Cracked Ribs - Jesus Christ, when this guy isn't deep throating away games, he isn't finishing them.  What a smiley-faced pussy.  If the Cowboys were smart, they'd draft a QB in the first round next year. 

Coffee is not for the 49ers - Nice fucking close.  This team is so bad.  How can they score 24 points but get nothing from Braylon. Crabtree, or Big Vern?  How is this possible.  And if I lose by less than 6 points to Damman this week in the G$FL, I'm going to hang that Holley asshole by his hair.  Fucking bitch...how could you get caught at the goddamn one!!!

Chad Ochocinco - A week later and he still sucks.  Isn't it strange that the two biggest weapons in the Pats offense are tight ends?  Gronk and La Raza are pretty sick though.  Whatever, you can't expect a Norval-coached team to win on the road.

Chode Henne/Reggie Bush - I much prefer it when these two are terrible and not sneaky good like they were 6 days ago.

Black people at The Georgia Dome - I'm writing this before the game has even started and I know for a fact that they will embarrass themselves tonight.  MUDawg will confirm this in the morning.

That about covers it.  Is there a movie that you'd rather see less than "The IDES of March"?  It's probably a gay porno.  Fantasy-wise, I'm still rolling strong.  I MURDERED Dut in the DFL, calmly crushed the spirit of Lange in the MSFL (going 2-0 in both leagues to start!), and need three scores from Julio, Tony G, and Burner Turner in the Sunday nighter to beat Damman in the G$FL.  Chris Johnson is killing that team.  Man, it feels good to obliterate Dut.  Hail to the Redskins?  HAIL YES!

17 comments:

Grumpy said...

Yes and yes.

GMoney said...

AND YES to me beating Damman due to the awesomeness of Tony G and Burner Turner last night. 4-0 week, baby!!!

Anonymous said...

2 season ending injuries in as many weeks in G$ is AIDS gay. But it doesnt piss me off since the official blog league just got buttfucked by Team Lupus.

Oh, and Dut, Verlander and his 2 shutouts < my stable of closers and UBALDO.

Ide

Anonymous said...

It's both refreshing and odd to come here on Monday's and not see anything related to the Lions.

I've got 72 pts in the G$FL and I'm still most likely going lose unless Cadillac Williams goes absolutely buck wild tonight...which is fucking gay. I should put Sanzenbacher in my lineup next week after his TD yesterday.

--Drew

MuDawgfan said...

Listening to sports talk Radio today, most people who were there say the dome was about 5% black vick fans.

Everyone else was fired up for the Falcons. And we knocked his ass out.

GMoney said...

Drew, I think that the Chiefs might be worse than that 0-16 Lions team from a few years back. And why does Matt Cassel sweat so much?

My DFL and MSFL teams are fucking incredible. No coincidence that both feature Tim Hightower either.

The Iceman said...

Todd Haley is a dirty butthole and deserves for Charles to be done for the year. How do you have the most dynamic runner in football who averages over 6 yards a carry for his career and only give him TWO FUCKING CARRIES before he gets hurt in the second quarter?! Todd Haley is elite in fucking gay men.

If the Colts get the #1 and pass on Andrew Luck because of Peyton Manning they deserve to miss the playoffs for the next 30 years. That would be one of the dumbest moves in modern day sports.

Anonymous said...

My M$FL team blows. Matt Schaub fo $13 was a terrible deal. Luckily my DFL team is good.

Will the colts cut manning because it sounds like he may be done for good?

The Bills may be good but they still have the Pats and Jets to get through.

Maybe the Sex Cannon was right about the Skins this year.

Lions 3-0 to start the season after next week? And its NOT the preseason.

Stafford for MVP!!!!

----Lange

Anonymous said...

G$- you got off to a great start last year in the DFL and missed the playoffs. Don't underestimate the shittiness of your management skills.

I have a secret that will get both of my fantasy teams out of the 0-2 holes... Its called CAMMY CAM JUICE bitch! Look out fightin WASPS!!!

Browns are back on track for the superbowl. 1st place!

Ide- you got lucky. You had multiple players have their best week of the season. This is the 3rd year in a row that I've had a superior team not show up in the 1st round. Eat shit.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Having that dirty Mexican go off for 2 td's last night sucked balls. I guess the 1994 McClure pony league team is safe for another year as their will be no perfect season.

Eli is about to start raining td passes all over Grumpy tonight. If not, I am staring at an 0-3 week.

Nobody wants to hear your weak excuses, Dut. Face it, you suck

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Damman- I'm still going to get 3rd, which pays $$. Hope you enjoyed your 9th place season. I also hope you enjoyed watching the Tigers sip on Champagne and Busch Light all night Friday.

Dut

GMoney said...

Dut, this year, I'm not trading AT ALL since that was my un-doing last season.

Who would have ever thought that next week's Bills/Pats game would be the game of the week? I can't wait for it actually. BILLZZZZZ!!!

Just an update, the Colts are on Sunday night next week. Feel free to watch other programming. Boardwalk Empire is back...that should be a nice excuse to avoid that game.

Ide vs. GSaul in the baseball finals...I know I speak for everyone when I say GO GSAUL. And use your winnings to buy a goddamn washing machine!

Prime99 said...

If Ahmad Bradshaw scores 5 more points than the Rams kicker, I will defeat Iceman and complete a 3-0 week. Get it done Bradshaw!

The Bears loss wasn't a big deal. In NO with Saints having a week and a half to prepare. Not to mention Urlacher's mom dying mid-week- they didn't have a chance (or an O-Line I suppose.)

The Iceman said...

I have so much riding on Bradshaw completely imploding tonight. Potentially 3 wins to be specific. So naturally he's gonna have a monster night.

Marmalard has been a total fucking joke this year and is killing my team.

Prime99 said...

Phillip Rivers plays as ugly as his face looks.

The Iceman said...

Maybe he'll play better if he starts cursing like normal Americans do.

GMoney said...

Miles Austin out for a month, I'm hearing. Maybe it's so he can more teeth installed in his jaw.

Anyone watch the NFL Network's Bill Belichick Hard Knocks rip-off? Breaking news here...he's a dickhead! It was great hearing him tell Derrick Mason to fuck off and look at the scoreboard though.