|FUCK YOU, CARLOS!!!|
Ask my wife. It was like watching me die. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. GET TO THE FUCKING LINE. SNAP THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BALL, YOU ASSHOLE. WHY ARE YOU THROWING TWO YARD PASSES INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD. RUN A FUCKING PLAY!!! I can't remember the last time I have been that frustrated as a fan. It must be exactly how Mr. Ace felt during the Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb years in Philly where they never had a successful two minute drill. Anyway, that leads me into the Worst of Week Two. And I can't think of anything more "worst" than...
BetUs - Dead serious here. Not ten seconds after Miami's final pass fell incomplete, my Central American gambling site called my phone and asked if I would like to deposit money into my account (I have not placed a wager yet this year). "Carlos from BetUS" was the last person that I wanted to hear from at that moment. I gave him a "you've got to be fucking kidding me" and hung up on him. I may never wager with them again now.
Cedric Benson's pants - Nothing beats a nice butt cheek on national TV that apparently no one on the Bengals wants to fix. Or maybe Mike Brown just gives them one pair of pants for the entire season. Yeah, that's probably it.
No one in the Bills/Raiders game - What a wildly entertaining game this was. I can't tell though, are these two teams good? They look pretty good to me. BILLZ SICK! Anyone still doubting my Bills as a wild card prediction? I'm what you call "way smarter than you". My boy, Stevie J, better not be hurt.
Cam Haters...AGAIN! - Rookie QBs are going to turn the ball over. But Cammy Cam Cam looks fucking good. I mean he dropped 400+ on the Super Bowl champs. He's already better than ten starters in the league. The Panthers are quickly becoming must-see TV for me.
Todd Haley's Family - Yeah, dude better update his resume. The Chiefs are fucking awful. They lose Eric Berry last week (best defender) and it looked to me like Jamaal Charles is done for the year (best playmaker). Congrats, KC fans, you just entered the Luck Derby. As well you should since Matt Cassel is Jake Delhomme.
People that watched the Browns/Colts game - Why was this game even televised? Anyway, the Colts have a pretty decent chance to have the worst record in the league this year. Would they take Luck? That is such a huge fucking question (if they get the #1). Would you shit on Peyton and trade his ass? I think that if you can get Luck, you almost have to.
Donovan McNabb - He is so bad. The Vikes had quite the epic choke. Minnesota and Tampa Bay are completely irrelevant.
Brian Urlacher's Mother - On second thought, I'm not going to go there. Just know that I tried to pick her up on my award-winning DFL team yesterday morning but ESPN wouldn't let me. Bastards. SHOW SOME RESPECT, ESPN! The Bears are very unlikeable and I enjoyed watching them get slaughtered by the Breesus.
Jason Hill - Who? Oh he's just the Jags wide receiver who spent this past week talking about how Revis Island isn't that good. And then he promptly did not play yesterday. Jacksonville is the "back hair" of the NFL: we can all see it and know that it's there, but no one wants to acknowledge that it exists.
Pete Carroll - Nice job with this roster, Slippery Pete.
Grumpy's Heart - Be honest, old man, you nearly had a heart attack when Ben went down (and he didn't look very good the rest of the game either). Is this the year where that terrible offensive line finally gets him killed?
Joe Flacco - Who owns the Steelers and then fists himself against the Titans? That's pretty pathetic. What else is there to say, really? The Ravens are who they have always been: pretty good but not a title contender.
Rex Grossman - His play in the first half yesterday was so bad that he should play for Ohio State. It was classic Sex Cannon. Drive 50 yards and then throw a pick. It's part of his charm. But you know, The Cumslinger hung in there and drove the field twice in the 4th to beat a rotten Arizona team. 2-0! Monday Night Football next week! BEAT DALLAS!!! The Redskins are undefeated...I like the sound of that. You know what, next Monday is going to be awesome. Grossman in primetime!
Tony Romo's: A Place For Cracked Ribs - Jesus Christ, when this guy isn't deep throating away games, he isn't finishing them. What a smiley-faced pussy. If the Cowboys were smart, they'd draft a QB in the first round next year.
Coffee is not for the 49ers - Nice fucking close. This team is so bad. How can they score 24 points but get nothing from Braylon. Crabtree, or Big Vern? How is this possible. And if I lose by less than 6 points to Damman this week in the G$FL, I'm going to hang that Holley asshole by his hair. Fucking bitch...how could you get caught at the goddamn one!!!
Chad Ochocinco - A week later and he still sucks. Isn't it strange that the two biggest weapons in the Pats offense are tight ends? Gronk and La Raza are pretty sick though. Whatever, you can't expect a Norval-coached team to win on the road.
Chode Henne/Reggie Bush - I much prefer it when these two are terrible and not sneaky good like they were 6 days ago.
Black people at The Georgia Dome - I'm writing this before the game has even started and I know for a fact that they will embarrass themselves tonight. MUDawg will confirm this in the morning.
That about covers it. Is there a movie that you'd rather see less than "The IDES of March"? It's probably a gay porno. Fantasy-wise, I'm still rolling strong. I MURDERED Dut in the DFL, calmly crushed the spirit of Lange in the MSFL (going 2-0 in both leagues to start!), and need three scores from Julio, Tony G, and Burner Turner in the Sunday nighter to beat Damman in the G$FL. Chris Johnson is killing that team. Man, it feels good to obliterate Dut. Hail to the Redskins? HAIL YES!