|Don't trust these sexy wenches!|
What the fuck is in those Four Loko's anyway? Jesus Christ. Drinking two of those cans made me feel like I chugged a barrel of scotch. Those things should definitely be illegal. As I said on Facebook, I'm fairly certain that the ingredients are Hawaiian Punch and meth. But would I do it again and recommend the product to others? You bett-uh BULEE DAT! Anyway, onto the worst of the weekend as a means to waste time before tonight's most excellent Monday Night Football game.
Tom Brady - HAHAHAHA!!! You suck, Ugg Boy!!! That was awesome. Fuck New England. I just want to remind everyone to stop buying Patriots stock. They can't run the ball at all. But you should be buying Bills stock! GO BUFFALO!!! Remember who picked them to make the playoffs? THIS FUCKER! Bow down to a honky that's greater than you.
Ocho Stinko - Dropped a wide open touchdown...I love it. Man this game was just an assload of fun to watch. By the way, if you're a black guy in the Patriots offense, you probably suck.
Jerome Simpson and CedBen - Come on, who has pounds of weed MAILED to them? That's just bad smoking. Am I the only one that would love to hear Benson's appeal? I bet that it's hilarious. And the Bengals still suck.
Colt McCoy - Still sucks. The Browns are probably the worst 2-1 team ever. WTF Peyton Hillis? I didn't draft you to get mouth herpes! The Madden Curse is now attacking dude's throats.
Chris Johnson - Pretty much blows at this point. He doesn't even have 100 yards rushing on the season yet. At least he got paid.
Leslie Frazier - Three straight weeks, the Vikings have blown double digit leads. My favorite play call ever was Minny going for it on 4th and 1, using Peterson as a decoy, and giving an unsuccessful attempt to a white guy named Toby. Are the Lions ever going to play anyone decent?
Victor Cruz - The mascot of the DFL had one hell of a week!!!
Defenses down South - NE/BUF is going to get a ton of publicity, but the HOU/NO game was just as sick. Was this a preview of my Super Bowl prediction? I think that it was. I'm sticking with it.
The "Dream Team" - 1-2, Ape, you faggot! Vick gets hurt again. You can't even beat a SHIT Giants team at home. Mike Kafka looked rightfully terrible. That OL is HORRENDOUS. I guess football isn't as easy as signing all the free agents available and telling them to win a Super Bowl. The Redskins are better and sexier.
Weather in Charlotte - Cam vs. Blaine was going to be rotten anyway and the tsunami made it even worse. Whatever, it was the Panthers and Jags...no one cares.
Fuck Yeah, Jim Schwartz! - I didn't see this but Drew did. "There was a little confusion after the kick, with officials blowing their whistles and holding off the celebration. But this was a long time coming for the Lions, and coach Jim Schwartz could be heard over the referee’s microphone yelling “Learn the fucking rules!” as he jogged toward his handshake with the Vikings’ Leslie Frazier." I love Jim Schwartz.
That one guy on the Falcons that jumped offsides on 4th and 1 - The reaction of the ATL DC to that fuck-up was priceless. OH MY FUCKING GOD! A lot of drops by Hot Roddy White, too. That's not good. By the way, the Falcons are a concussion away from 0-3...that's not good.
The NFC West - Just stop televising these games. Please. How do these teams even get fans into the stadium. How many people actually said this week, "Yeah, I'm going down to Qwest on Sunday. The Cardinals are in town!"
Flashy celebrations - Call me old fashioned, but I prefer Larry Fitzgerald's celebration of "catch horribly thrown Kolb pass, hand ball to ref, and jog to bench". It's nice.
San Diego - Beating the Chiefs by 3...that's repugnant.
Jay Cutler and the rest of the Bears offense - The best part about this game? After every play in the second half, Soldier Field was nothing but boos toward Mike Martz's "offense". Cutler was awful. No one can catch. Dane Sanzenbacher still has a job for some reason. World keeps spinnin'.
Rex Ryan - Nice defense. There will be no goddamn snacks or toe suckings on the plane ride back to NYC. Are the Raiders good? I feel like they might be. I mean, they are about 20 seconds from being undefeated and their only competition within the division can only beat KC by a field goal. Yeah, I think the AFC Title game is going to be a rematch between the Raiders and Bills. I would watch the shit out of that game. And obvz, in the NFC it will be Lions at Redskins. Greatest Final Four ever?
Fantasy UPDATE!!! Going to 3-0 in both the DFL and MSFL (suck my perfect cock, LS!). 2-1 in the GFL. Need a couple touchdowns from Romo and Dez tonight to win in the G$FL. I hope I lose that one.
OK, that does it. HUGE Monday nighter as Rex tries to remain UNDEFEATED. I fucking hate Dallas...just want to get that out there one more time. Skins are healthy and the Cowboys are not (even though Romo's broken heart or whatever he had last week was totes a lie). Skins 20, Cowboys 16. And just look at the remaining MNF schedule, this is truly one of the 3 best games on ESPN the rest of the year. FUCK THE COWBOYS.