Monday, September 26, 2011

The Worst of Week Three Vol.V

Don't trust these sexy wenches!
The following little tale is illegal.  I know this.  I am aware that what I did was stupid.  And no, I'm not talking about the open container.  So I'm pretty pissed off after sitting through a god awful MAC football game Saturday afternoon.  I stopped to get gas at some hillbilly place before hitting I-70 and heading home.  I decide to get a few road pops for the trip as a way to drown my sorrows.  I was planning on some trashy Sparks but this relatively attractive rube with a decent rack had the same idea as me and suggested Four Loko.  I was intrigued.  I was under the impression that Four Loko was pulled off the market because it was terrible or something.  So I bought two (orange and fruit punch) and went on my way.  I'm not even halfway done with the first can and I can already feel that something isn't right.  I'm getting a pretty sizable buzz.  I finish the first can and I am flat out drunk.  I get back to Columbus and finish the second can while I'm pulling in to the bar parking lot.  I am literally shit-fucking-faced.  Stumbling all over the place, loud as fuck, and completely inappropriate.  I am out of control.  I got home somehow and I can barely remember anything that happened the night before.  It was incredibly strange.

What the fuck is in those Four Loko's anyway?  Jesus Christ.  Drinking two of those cans made me feel like I chugged a barrel of scotch.  Those things should definitely be illegal.  As I said on Facebook, I'm fairly certain that the ingredients are Hawaiian Punch and meth.  But would I do it again and recommend the product to others?  You bett-uh BULEE DAT!  Anyway, onto the worst of the weekend as a means to waste time before tonight's most excellent Monday Night Football game.

Tom Brady - HAHAHAHA!!!  You suck, Ugg Boy!!!  That was awesome.  Fuck New England.  I just want to remind everyone to stop buying Patriots stock.  They can't run the ball at all.  But you should be buying Bills stock!  GO BUFFALO!!!  Remember who picked them to make the playoffs?  THIS FUCKER!  Bow down to a honky that's greater than you.

Ocho Stinko - Dropped a wide open touchdown...I love it.  Man this game was just an assload of fun to watch.  By the way, if you're a black guy in the Patriots offense, you probably suck.

Jerome Simpson and CedBen - Come on, who has pounds of weed MAILED to them?  That's just bad smoking.  Am I the only one that would love to hear Benson's appeal?  I bet that it's hilarious.  And the Bengals still suck.

Colt McCoy - Still sucks.  The Browns are probably the worst 2-1 team ever.  WTF Peyton Hillis?  I didn't draft you to get mouth herpes!  The Madden Curse is now attacking dude's throats.

Chris Johnson - Pretty much blows at this point.  He doesn't even have 100 yards rushing on the season yet.  At least he got paid.

Leslie Frazier - Three straight weeks, the Vikings have blown double digit leads.  My favorite play call ever was Minny going for it on 4th and 1, using Peterson as a decoy, and giving an unsuccessful attempt to a white guy named Toby.  Are the Lions ever going to play anyone decent?

Victor Cruz - The mascot of the DFL had one hell of a week!!!

Defenses down South - NE/BUF is going to get a ton of publicity, but the HOU/NO game was just as sick.  Was this a preview of my Super Bowl prediction?  I think that it was.  I'm sticking with it.

The "Dream Team" - 1-2, Ape, you faggot!  Vick gets hurt again.  You can't even beat a SHIT Giants team at home.  Mike Kafka looked rightfully terrible.  That OL is HORRENDOUS.  I guess football isn't as easy as signing all the free agents available and telling them to win a Super Bowl.  The Redskins are better and sexier.

Weather in Charlotte - Cam vs. Blaine was going to be rotten anyway and the tsunami made it even worse.  Whatever, it was the Panthers and Jags...no one cares.

Fuck Yeah, Jim Schwartz! - I didn't see this but Drew did. "There was a little confusion after the kick, with officials blowing their whistles and holding off the celebration. But this was a long time coming for the Lions, and coach Jim Schwartz could be heard over the referee’s microphone yelling “Learn the fucking rules!” as he jogged toward his handshake with the Vikings’ Leslie Frazier." I love Jim Schwartz.

That one guy on the Falcons that jumped offsides on 4th and 1 - The reaction of the ATL DC to that fuck-up was priceless.  OH MY FUCKING GOD!  A lot of drops by Hot Roddy White, too.  That's not good.  By the way, the Falcons are a concussion away from 0-3...that's not good.

The NFC West - Just stop televising these games.  Please.  How do these teams even get fans into the stadium.  How many people actually said this week, "Yeah, I'm going down to Qwest on Sunday.  The Cardinals are in town!"

Flashy celebrations - Call me old fashioned, but I prefer Larry Fitzgerald's celebration of "catch horribly thrown Kolb pass, hand ball to ref, and jog to bench".  It's nice.

San Diego - Beating the Chiefs by 3...that's repugnant.

Jay Cutler and the rest of the Bears offense - The best part about this game?  After every play in the second half, Soldier Field was nothing but boos toward Mike Martz's "offense".  Cutler was awful.  No one can catch.  Dane Sanzenbacher still has a job for some reason.  World keeps spinnin'.


Rex Ryan - Nice defense.  There will be no goddamn snacks or toe suckings on the plane ride back to NYC.  Are the Raiders good?  I feel like they might be.  I mean, they are about 20 seconds from being undefeated and their only competition within the division can only beat KC by a field goal.  Yeah, I think the AFC Title game is going to be a rematch between the Raiders and Bills.  I would watch the shit out of that game.  And obvz, in the NFC it will be Lions at Redskins.  Greatest Final Four ever?

Fantasy UPDATE!!!  Going to 3-0 in both the DFL and MSFL (suck my perfect cock, LS!).  2-1 in the GFL.  Need a couple touchdowns from Romo and Dez tonight to win in the G$FL.  I hope I lose that one.

OK, that does it.  HUGE Monday nighter as Rex tries to remain UNDEFEATED.  I fucking hate Dallas...just want to get that out there one more time.  Skins are healthy and the Cowboys are not (even though Romo's broken heart or whatever he had last week was totes a lie).  Skins 20, Cowboys 16.  And just look at the remaining MNF schedule, this is truly one of the 3 best games on ESPN the rest of the year.  FUCK THE COWBOYS.

18 comments:

Grumpy said...

Late news flash: The Steelers' OL sucks.

GMoney said...

The Steelers OL was terrible even before they could't stay healthy. How can an organization that smart just keep ignoring the biggest weakness?

Curtis Painter's flowing locks creeped me the fuck out.

The Iceman said...

Curtis Painter looked like he was on his way to a meth party in Southern LA.

Who called the Raiders winning that division? That's right...I did. Oh yeah, called the Eggles sucking the taint of the NFC East as well.

Where do Mexicans stand in New England's offense?

It took the defense teeing off on the 3rd stringer with a career QB rating of 9.8 for the Steelers to win last night. Trouble is a-brewin.

Grumpy said...

Was Painter blond at Purdue? Looked like a dye job.

The refusal of the front office to address the OL problems will kill this season. Can't run, can't protect.

Grumpy said...

So you were drunk calling me on your way home? I guess I should be honored.

Anonymous said...

DEEEE-TROOOOOOIT FOOOOOOOTBALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

G$...The weird thing about those Four Loko's is that they were way more fucked up before they were forced to change their ingredients months ago. Just think if you had had those.

I've said it every week and I'll say it again...Calvin Johnson is the best WR in the world.

Da Billz game was indeed incredibly fun to watch. Not too often do you get to see Brady shit down his leg, but we got to see that.

Lions are in Dallas this upcoming Sunday...it would be amazing to be 4-0 before the first MNF game in Detroit in years.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Was Painter blond at Purdue? Looked like a dye job.

No. He was just terrible.

GMoney said...

Stevie > Calvin

The Bills white helmets are the best helmets ever.

Yes, Grump, you got drunk dialed. But it was not a booty call. REPEAT-it was NOT a booty call.

Dut tells me that one Four Loko equals about 6 beers. Yeah, I'd have to agree with that. I would like to meet the FDA employee that approved that product for sale.

McFadden might break the rushing record against that terrible Patriots defense next week. The Black Hole will be rocking.

I think that the Skins go to 3-0 tonight but I GUARANSHEED that they lose to the Rams next week. It would be a classic Redskins move.

GO LIONS NEXT WEEK!!! Detroit and Gahanna!

Mr. Ace said...

The Eagles lost because for some reason they refuse to feed Shady McCoy in the redzone. I don't remember the last time we scored a touchdown when we had the ball 1st & goal. That Vick contract is looking pretty fucking stupid right now...as it did when he was given it.

The Bengals will beat the Bills next week.

Why is Marmalard so fucking terrible? This doesn't make any sense. My DFL team combined for one TD, from the great Stevie Johnson. Awful.

The Iceman said...

The Eagles lost because Kafka sucks balls and LardChin Young isn't much better when his pussy isn't cramping.

Upstate Underdog said...

Watching the Buffalo game and the first game of the Yankees/Sox double header at the same yesterday was awesome.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvLz_7VkXD0

Jim Schwartz makes everything that much better.
----Lange

Prime99 said...

The Bears were inept, but having that awesome punt return called back was a back breaker to me as a fan. At least I defeated the Reg Stag Warriors to salvage the weekend.

I was wrong about the Bills. They are ELITE.

GMoney said...

Where's Dut? Probably praying at the Church of Helu.

Anonymous said...

I wish I was a Bills fan.

The Browns are in first place after 3 weeks. When was the last time this happened?

Roy Helu and Freddy Davis need to PWN the Cowboys tonight. I love my chances!

Colt McCoy is elite.

Dut

The Iceman said...

The Bills ARE elite. Harvard Fitzpatrick is the elite of the elite.

GMoney said...

Iceman, you do know who has to be the happiest Bills fan in the galaxy today, right?

Hastings.

GMoney said...

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2011/09/the-sex-cannon-now-aware-of-the-sex-cannon.html

Awesome.