Monday, September 12, 2011

The Worst Of Week One Vol.V

Says it all, no?
Can you believe that I've been writing these "Worst Of" posts for five years now?  Talk about consistency!  I'm hungover, tired as shit, and just got back from taking the dog to a fun play day at the local water park (it seemed like every dog there took great delight in splashing me) so let's get this going.

First things first, NO COLLEGE FOOTBALL TALK.  That is what Tuesdays are for.  I'm sure everyone has an opinion on Michigan, Notre Dame, and how Toledo is pretty much equals with Ohio State, but hold off.  Iceman thanks you in advance.  Here we go:


Sean Payton - Last and biggest play of the game, why are you giving the ball to an unproven rookie RB instead of having your all-galaxy QB make a play?  That was dumb as shit.

Drew Brees - Jonny Moxon that stupid play, Hairy Mole!  It's not like the coach asked you to hand the ball off to Peterson or Hightower or some other well-endowed stud.

Matt Ryan - Falcons fan, Naptown Wolverine, doesn't think that ATL is going to be very good this year.  He is usually wrong about everything except for pornography but he might be on to something with that call.  Jesus, the Falcons looked like shit covered in pubes with old man diarrhea frosting.

Browns Believers - Time to hop off of that bandwagon, fags.  The Browns suck cock.  They always will suck cock.  That might be the most embarrassing loss in the history of football at any level.  Never ever believe in a team with a rotten quarterback.  Speaking of which...

Colt McShit - Terrible.  He can't play.  It was fairly bold of him to throw the ball to his center on a 4th-and-game over play.  Fucking brutal.  FIRE HOLMGREN!  The team that HE built just lost at home to the Cincinnatta Bingles.

Kansas City Chiefs - This team has "5 wins" written all over them.  I can understand losing to MY BILLZ but not by 5 touchdowns.  Fuck the Chiefs.  No one cares about them.  I just want to take some time to remind everyone that BUFFALO IS GOING SUPAH BOWL!!!  They looked like one of the five best teams in the league to me (after one game)!!!

Eagles haters/Rams lovers - The Eagles didn't even play that well and still beat the tar (no raycess!) out of a solid and trendy upset pick in their barn.  As long as Vick is upright, Philly is going to be juuuuuuust fine.  Nice to see Bradford and Steven Jackson get hurt already.  That didn't take long.

Matthew Stafford - Great game but the fucking guy limps off the field when he didn't get touched!  Jesus, I can't imagine being a Lions fan and worrying every single time this cunt drops back that that will be his last throw of the year.  And kudos to Jim Schwartz who went his usual apeshit on Gosder Cherilus when the big idiot tried to give the game away in the final two minutes.  I missed insane Schwartz.

Chris Johnson - 24 rushing, 25 receiving.  Welcome back, asshole.  Someone give him a Johnny Unitas haircut.

Peyton Manning's neck - The Colts are going to be absolutely horrible this season.  They might actually be in the Suck 4 Luck derby.  Kerry Collins is so bad that he should be a safety for Michigan.  Whoops, just broke my own rule.

Ben Roethlisberger - Is he legally blind?  That is the only excuse for some of the passes he threw yesterday.  Yes, the Ravens defense is good but they look a lot better when you just hand them the ball.  The Steelers looked old, slow, undisciplined, and poorly coached...not a good start to the season.  Obvs it's early (very early), but no Steeler fan can like anything that they saw yesterday.  FUCK DA STILLERZ!!!

Nate Kaeding - Is there anything better than watching a kicker get hurt and then carted off the field?  I think not.  Kaeding is a homo anyway.  By the way, the Chargers give up a KO return to start the season...things never change with a Norval coached team.

Donovan McNabb - 39 yards passing.  28 net.  Dude sucks.  Thanks for the two draft picks.

Cam Haterz - He looked pretty legit to me.  Cam appeared to belong to me.  400+ in your first game is ridiculously solid to me.  It was the first time in a long time where I was not pissed that the RedZone channel switched over to the Panthers.  Newton vs. Rodgers next week!!!

Anyone that watched the 49ers/Seahawks game - Ted Ginn and David Akers were the best players on the field.  That is all you need to know.

Eli Manning and the Giants - On Eli's bootleg TD run, has their ever been a nerdier-looking touchdown and celebration?  I think not.  But the Redskins dominated a team that they NEVER beat.  It felt good.  Really good.  So much so that I'm starting to BELIEVE.  It seems like we're going to be good enough to not get Luck so we might as well win, right?  The defense is fairly nasty since Ryan Kerrigan already won the D-ROY.  Did I mention Rex Grossman?

Rex H8RZ - Actual postgame quote from The Sex Cannon, "I've got a lot of haters out there so this feels good".  DC Bitches gettin' preggers tonight!!!  I'm falling in love with Grossman.  Sure, he's a turnover waiting to happen.  But on those rare occasions in which he is "on", he is fucking tremendous.  We've got the Cards next week...I think I might smell 2-0.  And you can't go 19-0 without starting 2-0!

That will about do it for this week.  ESPN has two God awful Monday night games tonight.  Probably a 6 hour pregame show, too.  As for fantasy (which you are free to discuss), put me down for a win over Iceman in the MSFL, a win over Jeff in the DFL, and a likely loss in the G$FL.  Add that all up with a Skins win and I'll gladly accept this weekend.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some thoughts on yesterday.

Worst loss in Browns history. Period. I felt morbidly sick.

Watched the game at a bar near two overweight very black Steeler fans. These fucking people (yes, i mean those people) actually got louder and more black AFTER the Steelers lost. Thats right, Steeler fans somehow get more annoying and trashy after a massively embarrassing loss. Browns fans took the high road and immediately left, many in tears.

I have a really good shot at going 4-0 during my first week of fantasy football.

I drafted Nate fucking Kaeding on all 4 teams.

I dont have a backup kicker on all 4 teams.

Grats to GSaul for knocking G$ out of the playoffs in that other fantasy league.

Ide

The Iceman said...

It's not over yet queer...but let's just say the doctor is about to inject me with something that stops my heart. All I need is for Brandon Lloyd and Wes Welker to both play like they are dead...which both are capable of.

Anonymous said...

Can't forget about Tony Romo who is literally the least clutch player in NFL history. Scott Norwood thinks he chokes.

My baseball team is filled with Tony Romos. I am not pleased with them at all. I'm rooting for buke to win.

--$

Grumpy said...

It's official, there is a Grumpy hex. In my first ever fantasy draft I take the highest rated kicker and he goes out the first week and tears his ACL.

Anonymous said...

Wait a second...you bash Stafford for getting cramps...yet no mention of Josh Freeman who got cramps and had to leave the fucking game because of them? Come on son.

I wouldn't trade Megatron for any WR in the NFL. I think he's the best and I'm glad he's on my Lions.

The Bills kicked the fucking shit out of the Chiefs.

Facepalm for the Clowns losing at home to the Bengals.

Ted Ginn has a wild second gear when he turns the corner. So much fun to watch people have great angles on him and then he just blows by. Too bad he's a bad WR.

I have zero interest in either of these monday night games. Terrible job by the NFL scheduling them.

--Drew

Daniel said...

DA BILLS DA BILLS DA BILLS!

Anonymous said...

I was not even that upset about the Browns losing in that fashion yesterday because I have seen it so many times. New coaches and new players...same old Browns.

It also baffles my mind how Cleveland fans continue to show blind loyalty and show up to games for a franchise that has given them jack shit to cheer about since the late 80's. Why do the Browns get a pass and the Indians get ripped constantly? At least the Indians are competitive every few years.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Grumpy spent 59 bucks on Ray Rice only to SIT him and his 30 points in week one! And it will cost him against The Wig Master. Its a business, dumbass. NEVER bench your studs.

Worst worst of the week right there.

--$

Prime99 said...

Brian Urlacher played like a machine yesterday. What a fucking savage.

I still have a soft spot for the Sex Cannon. Good to see him do well this week.

My benching of Steve Smith (CAR) was retarded as well. I didn't even see it comin'!

Mr. Ace said...

I moneylined that Bills yesterday at 2/1 odds...cash moneys. I missed one fucking game all day...the Clowns. I have the Pats/Fins Over 45 and moneylined the Raiders at 7/5 tonight, if both these go right then I will cash in on a 5 play 30/1 parlay. Hopefully the Pats hit the over early and I can hedge.

Eagles be nasty.

I asked all you faggots on Facebook what team I should take in a survival pool and pretty much everybody said the Browns. Good thing I am smarter than you and took Arizona.

Tony B...Steve Smith looks great on your bench.

The Iceman said...

Never bet on the Browns, Ace. You should know that by now.

Anonymous said...

I had forgotten how great it was to sit on a couch all day with your laptop open watching games and monitoring your fantasy points.

It appears that I will beat Lange in the opening weekend of the MSFL, unless Reggie Bush goes for 40. I would make fun of Lange for his team's lack of production, but in my other league I only managed a meager 84 points.


-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Wait.. Grumpy benched Ray Rice and started who?

Good move on not betting on the Browns, Ace. Commenter Jeff and I had a similar conversation last week, and we both agreed that you can't jeopardize your season with the Browns in week 1.

The Rod Allens have the fantasy baseball league wrapped up. Dominance.

Does Tedd Ginns performance yesterday prove that he is elite?

Dut

Anonymous said...

Ginn is no Erik Page. Dammit! Did it again! Don't reply to this.

--$

Jeff said...

Monday night magic for my fantasy team!!!!

How about Dut starting arian foster????

Grumpy said...

That is my objection to fantasy football. Benching Ray Rice was stupid, but I can't separate my fantasy life from my real life. How can I watch the Steelers' game and cheer for Rice? G$ is right, it is a business and I get the award for the bonehead play of the week.

Anonymous said...

Dut sucks.

--everyone

Anonymous said...

Dut sucks

--Shook's Son

Anonymous said...

Jeff- I had no other options. That's the downfall of studs and scrubs!

Dut

The Iceman said...

Grump, you just gotta start him and close your eyes. The only advice I can give you after years of watching fantasy players shred the Browns is you don't have to cheer for them while they buttfuck your real football team, just take comfort in knowing that at least something good came out in the ass beating they just took. Winning money always numbs the pain of a complete meltdown.

Dut = not elite

Grumpy said...

Thank you Iceman. You're the only one not calling me a dumb fuck. I won't forget that.

Randolph said...

Nice to see you are on the Bills Bandwagon. We will take anyone we can get.

Mr. Ace said...

5 PLAY PARLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!