Thursday, September 08, 2011

The Money Shot NFC Preview

Kyle Turley...very underrated lunatic.
Is there a better match-up to open the NFL season than the one we get tonight?  Both teams have awesome offenses and good enough defenses.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, watching the Steelers and Ravens play is worse than getting a prostate exam (I assume that those suck).  Neither team moves the ball and the punters end up playing way too big of a role in those games.  Give me a 31-28 game any day...which is why I'm going to love tonight's contest.

I was going to say that the loser of tonight's game is going to be my pick to win the Super Bowl but that is a stupid prediction that makes little sense at all.  Say the Saints lose tonight (the defending champs have won their first game the next season for over a decade now, you gamblers) and then go on to win the SB.  Would you think I was smart if I said, "I KNEW IT ALL ALONG WHEN THEY LOST IN WEEK 1!"  No, you would not.  But once my Bills make the playoffs, I expect HJ's from everyone.  Let's get going with the NFC.

NFC East:
1. Cowboys 11-5 - Dude, look at their schedule.  4 against the NFC West, 2 against the Skins, the Bills and 'Phins at home, the Panthers, and the Vikes.  That is fucking cake.  Yes, Dallas is going to win the division.
2. Eagles 10-6* - It won't be as easy as the back-up QB just assumes it will be.  Vick will get hurt.  Andy Reid will continue to be a terrible coach.  They can have as many sick corners as they want just as long as they can't stop the run.  This team will NOT win the NFC.  Anyone want to bet against that?
3. Redskins 6-10 -'s Mike Lombardi has picked the Skins to win the East.  What a smart man.  All along I have felt that this team was going to be rotten, but now I think they'll be better than that.  I know it's just preseason, but the ones beat up the ones from Pitt, Bal, Indy, and Tampa.  So I'll give the Skins a few more wins than I initially thought and thus fuck themselves out of Luck.
4. Giants 5-11 - No one is healthy.  They have the worst QB in the league.  Coughlin gets fired.

NFC North:
1. Packers 11-5 - They could win this division with Matt Flynn.  None of these teams are even close to being as talented as GB.
2. Vikings 8-8 - Donovan wins just enough games for people to think that he can still play.  Whatever, the Vikings are boring as shit.
3. Lions 8-8 - I keep hearing how this team is going to make the leap this year.  Hilarious.  Don't be that dumbass who believes in the Lions before the prove anything.  While Schwartz and Suh should have their own TV show, Detroit still can't defend the pass, run the ball, or protect their quad-chinned QB o' glass.
4. Bears 5-11 - Everything went their way last year.  Prime won't like this pick, but facts are facts.  They all stayed healthy and got all the bounces last season.  Things tend to even out which it will this year.  Cutler is going to get killed behind that line (which probably isn't a bad thing).

NFC South:
1. Saints 12-4 - Why isn't anyone talking about these guys this year?  They got better in the offseason through free agency and the draft.  They made the playoffs last year with their EIGHTH string running back!  I expect a monster from NO in 2011.
2. Falcons 10-6* - Atlanta is like the Bears except that they are good and don't have an emo faggot under center.  Basically, just flip what happened to them and the Saints the year before.
3. Panthers 5-11 - I am contractually obligated to hate whichever team employs Jeremy Shockey.  I like how the Panthers racist owner told Cam that he wasn't allowed to get tattoos.  The NFL needs some open and honest anti-thuggery.
4. Buccaneers 4-12 - Just watch and see.  This team isn't nearly as good as their 10-6 record was.  They might not be 4 wins-bad, but they ain't sniffing .500 this year either.

NFC West:
1. Rams 8-8 - True story: when Jim Ross is introduced before Raw comes on the air, there are about 10 Sam Bradford highlights on the TitanTron while the Oklahoma fight song is played.  That's all I need to know to pick the Rams to win.
2. Cardinals 7-9 - Beanie Wells gets hurt by week 4 and Chester "The Molester" Taylor takes over the job for good.  Why?  Toledo > Ohio State.
3. 49ers 5-11 - A team with P-Will on defense, Gore/Vernon/Crabtree/Braylon on offense, and Jim Harbaugh shouldn't be bad...but they will be.  Welcome to San Fran, Landry Jones, your mustache will be welcomed on Castro Street.
4. Seahawks 3-13 - Congrats to you, Pete Carroll, you just got yourself some Andrew Luck.

Playoffs: Eagles over Rams, Packers over Falcons.  Packers over Cowboys, Saints over Eagles.  For the opportunity to meet the Houston Texans in the Super Bowl, give me the Saints over the Packers.

Super Bowl: Saints 30, Texans 20.  And there you have it.  Enjoy the NFL season, pederasts.  I'm going to stick it in and out of The Iceman early and often this weekend.


MuDawgfan said...

Packers over Falcons


Anonymous said...

Detroit won't need to defend the pass as long as Suh is attempting to rip the spine out of QBs Predator style. It's hard to be accurate when you have an alien trying to decapitate you.

Stafford actually has 5 chins...second to only Vince Young. Who has 8.

There's no chance you're gonna beat me this week. Marmalard is gonna have 4 TDs and 300 yareds. Then celebrate by eating a fudgesicle on the sideline.

Anonymous said...

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, watching the Steelers and Ravens play is worse than getting a prostate exam (I assume that those suck). Neither team moves the ball and the punters end up playing way too big of a role in those games."

Best part of the entire post - so true, watching these two teams play is terrible. Someone please get rid of Hines Ward.


Prime99 said...

I actually love your Bears prediction. If I remember correctly, last year you had them going 3-13 and that worked out quite well. The year before, you pointed out they had the easiest schedule, predicted they'd be good, and they were mediocre. I think they will be closer to 8-8 while the Vikings sit lower in the standings. Lions will be tough.

Jeff said...

How soon we forget the most recent steeler raven game? 31-24 in the playoffs last year.

Anonymous said...

Food for thought, or just to be an asshole, after looking at both predictions your combined predicted record is 237-275. When in every season barring ties the record should be 256-256.


GMoney said...

Way to waste a shitload of your own time. Yes, somehow the NFL will be 40 games under-.500 this year. I thought that I asked you to kill yourself yesterday? Why didn't you?

For Mr. Ape, my last fantasy league draft was last night (partnered with the abysmal NW). It goes through the Super Bowl so you better have players on teams that can make it to the game. We had Rodgers last was sick. This year? Well, I'll let you guess where we are leaning:

Ronnie Brown

We're all-in on the Eagles.

GMoney said...

Ah, Jeff, but I can counter that argument with an "every game featuring Joe Flacco's face, Ray Lewis posturing, Hines Ward smiring, and James Harrison sucks balls".

Prime, so you are applauding me for thinking that the Bears are 2 wins better this year???

Anonymous said...

Malcolm Jenkins gonna get himself a pick 6 tonight.

Fuck the Fudge Packers.


Prime99 said...

Nope- I'm saying when you pick the Bears to be shitty, they are usually pretty solid. The Bears will be good but their schedule is rough.

Jeff said...

Oh how I love ESPN NFL analysts. Trey Wahoo and Stink Schlereth say the Rams will beat the Iggles with a mouth full of Steven Jackson and a heavy dose of Danny Amendola over the middle. Sounds like a winning combo to me!

I sure hope they're right.

Anonymous said...

Danny Amendola will dominate all seasn long.


GMoney said...

Good point, Jeff. I'm sure that the always awesome Steve Jackson and Midwest Welker will TOTES be better than Vick and Company on astroturf in a dome. TOTES!!!

GMoney said...

Oh, and in case you have been at work all day, ESPN is expanding Sunday NFL Countdown to 3 goddamn hours from 10-1. AWFUL. That show should be cut down to 30 minutes instead of expanded. I can't wait for the weekly "Watch Cris Carter reinforce racial stereotypes" segment.