Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The Money Shot AFC Preview

Drunk Joe Namath will always be the best.
The NFL kicks off its season in two days.  Hell yes.  When you hear the glass, it's your ass!  And with the beginning of every sport comes a new set of predictions.  Since the AFC is void of much craziness usually (since the same culprits make the playoffs every year), we'll start the two day NFL predictions there.

It never fails.  Every season, 5 or 6 teams that made the playoffs in the previous season fail to meet expectations the next year.  So who sucks this year?  Well, we can forget about the Seahawks and Chiefs to get back already.  No way those teams make it back to January.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let's get to the rundowns.

AFC East:
1. Patriots 12-4 - Blah, blah, blah.  New England is predictable.  Win the division and then lose a home game in the playoffs.  It will happen again because they can't get to the quarterback and they aren't physical.
2. Bills* 9-7 - Here we go.  Here's my pick to click.  I had the Chiefs winning the West last year when no one else did and this is my call now.  Yes, I am buying stock in the Toronto Bills.  They're due.
3. Jets 9-7 - The Jets aren't getting better but they are getting older.  I will never think that Sanchise is any good.  I love Rex but fuck Fireman Ed.
4. Dolphins 4-12 - Chad Henne.  Bring back Jay Fiedler.

AFC North:
1. Ravens 11-5 - You can flip a coin as to who wins this division.  Bawlmer's coach is a RedHawk so he wins.
2. Steelers* 10-6 - I kind of didn't want to put them as a playoff team this year because, recently, Pittsburgh blows the year after they go to the Super Bowl.  They get bad bounces.  They miss crucial field goals (and will this year).  They have the oldest defense in the league by far.  That can't be good.  This might be the final title push for this current group of Steeler defenders.
3. Browns 7-9 - They're still going to kind of suck cocks and if Hillis gets hurt, this is a 3 win team, but they'll play hard and won't be a pushover.  I've heard about enough of this "Colt McCoy is going to be a good NFL QB" nonsense though.  The new kickoff rule hurts the Browns since they rely on Josh's Cribbs to bust one every game.
4. Bengals 1-15 - Quite possibly the worst offense ever assembled.  And they are so stupid that when they get the #1 pick, they will pass on Luck for some 380 pound OL from the SEC.

AFC South:
1. Texans 10-6 - Book it.  They have the best playmakers in the division and a competent Wade Phillips running the defense now.  They don't even need Arian Foster to win the South.
2. Colts 8-8 - At least they will sell a lot of XXXXL sweater vests in Indiana this Fall.  I didn't like this team before Pey-Pey needed a new neck.  I sure as hell don't like them now.  They don't draft well.  It's just a franchise on the down slope.  It happens.
3. Jaguars 8-8 - Is David Garrard really that bad?  Maybe I've just been ignoring them but there is no way that he should have been in an open competition with a guy named Blaine.
3. Titans 5-11 - Matt Hasselbeck is worse than a sober Kerry Collins.  Tennessee has the worst uniforms in all of sports.  Fuck them.
4. Jaguars 3-13 - Cutting your starting QB less than a week before the first game?  That's fucking terrible business.  Whichever McCown they are going with is terrible.  Jack Del Rio deserves to be fired.  He is no Alberto Del Rio.

AFC West:
1. Chargers 11-5 - Norv is coaching for the job that he never should have gotten in the first place.  I see 2011 being a revenge year for the Bolts.
2. Broncos 7-9 - They'll be a little better.  That's all I have to say about them.
3. Raiders 6-10 - Last year was a fluke.  Yeah, I said it.  They will be cosmically punished for unfairly firing Tom Cable and drafting Terrelle Pryor.
4. Chiefs 6-10 - Speaking of flukes, Matt Cassel is fucking terrible.  Any coach who thinks that Thomas Jones should get as many carries as Jamaal Charles is a toolshed.  Bring back Christian Okoye.

Playoffs: Give me the Texans over the Steelers and the Ravens over the Bills.  Texans over the Chargers and Ravens over the Patriots.  To represent the AFC, I'll take Houston over Baltimore.  Yeah, I'm buying the Texans.  It is something that I've never done before so don't lump me in with the martians that have been saying "this is their year" for the past three seasons.

We'll do the awards, too.
MVP - Marmalard Rivers and Mario Williams
ROY - Julio Jones and Ryan Kerrigan (double digit sacks)
Coach - Chan "The Man" Gailey

So who will be playing the Texans in Super Bowl whatever number they are on?  Find out tomorrow.  You know what blows?  Being sick while on "vacation".  This fucking sucks.

23 comments:

Grumpy said...

Timmons, Woodley, Hood, Worilds, Heyward in the wings. Yeah, last chance for this Steeler defense. 13-3, maybe 12-4. And one up on the Ravens after the first weekend.

Anonymous said...

Julio Jones huh? Falcons to the AFC?

Ide

GMoney said...

Hey dipshit, they don't give out AFC and NFC ROY awards. Why don't you go murder your anus with a porcupine. I'm right, you wrong. You so dumb.

Grump, with Troy, Ryan "Terrible Blood" Clark, Kiesel, Farrior, Harrison, and that one white guy who plays DE and is really good for the 4 games he plays per season, this IS the last hurrah for the current version of this Steelers defense. Not to mention your DC fought in the Crimean War.

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you two? All sorts of fucking retarded this morning. You rip on GREAT points that I make and fail to say anything about how I pick the GODDAMN BILLS TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!!!

GMoney said...

On a lighter note, how awesome was the Sons of Anarchy premiere last night? Good to see David Rees Snell getting work!

Anonymous said...

There is no way the Bills make the playoffs. Come on son.

It really is easy to predict all of the division winners in the AFC except for the Ravens/Steelers duel. I think the Steelers will win that one.

You gave the Broncos too many wins...they will be 4-12.

Why the fuck are you on vacation this week?

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

...I like the Bills too. I'm really even sure why. It's probably because I have Stevie Johnson in to fantasy leagues. I think Fitzpatrick is more than serviceable. They have good talent on the offensive side of the ball. Merriman looks like he is back on roids. I don't know if they can stop the run, though. I don't think they are a playoff team in the AFC, but 7-9 or 8-8 seems like something they could get to.

I like the Chargers to come out of the AFC. It goes against everything I believe about ol Norv, but I like them more than the Texans or Ravens.

GMoney said...

Drew, I had to burn up vacation days before I lose them at the end of the month. Plus, I'm rocking a really sweet beard right now.

Don't ignore that the Steelers are ALWAYS terrible after going to the Super Bowl. And Grumpy is the third youngest guy on their defense.

I like the Bills because I've heard rumors that OJ is coming back!

Anonymous said...

I remember this ROY debate from last year. Even if they don't give out NFC and AFC awards, it still makes you look stupid because this was a post about the AFC. All credibility was lost!

Bills will not make the playoffs in that division. 4 guaransheed losses to the Jets and Pats.

Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but I don't think the Browns will be as good as some people think (8-9 wins). They still have 0 playmakers on offense, a young qb, and no pass rush. They may show some flashes of greatness, but I still think they have too many flaws. Superbowl in 2013 though.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah.. Nice effort by the wIndians last night. SWEEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!!!

Dut

Prime99 said...

You overrated all teams with mascots that start with the letter "B." Is this fucking Sesame Street and was today's post brought to us by the letter B? Or did Chris Berman blow you to slip the Bills into your playoff predictions?

Anonymous said...

Also.. The Indians are still running advertisements saying that if you put down a deposit for 2012 tickets, you get a guaranteed chance to buy 2011 playoff tickets! What a deal!! Hahahahahahhahahahahahahah

Dut

GMoney said...

Awards today, SB prediction tomorrow. It isn't hard. You don't have to have a degree from DeVry to figure it out.

Grumpy said...

Aaron Smith and Kiesel is also white.

Anonymous said...

G$ and Ace....I'm with you guys on Fitzy being very underrated for da Bills...I think their offense is gonna be pretty good and Spiller actually may do some things after that abortion of a rookie year. But, I read the other day that they have the second toughest schedule rating in the NFL. No way can the Bills make it through that when the NFL doesn't even help them in the schedule.

I just read that an entire KHL team (Russian NHL) died in a plane crash a few hours ago. A few former big names in the NHL on the flight. I wonder what an American pro sports league would do in that situation? Obviously a baseball/hockey team would be helped by their minor league teams. But, they would definitely have to have soem sort of expansion-like draft to rebuild.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Feel sad then make a movie about it 20 years later.

We are Marshall!

Ide

Anonymous said...

You make fun of people for thinking there are AFC and NFC awards, yet you pick AFC and NFC award winners. This is what makes no sense.

Every time I see that cunt on sto talk about playoff tickets, I yell shut the fuck up at tv.

Congrats Tiger fans, you beat a team with half your payroll and twice as many injuries as you. And it only took till Labor Day to put them away. Go Yanks/Sawx!

-Damman

The Iceman said...

"Congrats Tiger fans, you beat a team with half your payroll and twice as many injuries as you."

You forgot a fourth of the talent.

Having playmakers definately helps but isn't always essential. The Jets made the AFC championship game 2 years in a row without a single playmaker on offense.

I'll be happy with a 7-9 season for the Browns. At least they're moving in the right direction for once.

GMoney said...

I want to kill all of you for being stupid.

NFL Off MVP - Rivers
NFL Def MVP - Mario
NFL Off ROY - Julio
NFL Def ROY - Kerrigan

You know, JUST LIKE THE REAL LEAGUE DOES IT. Don't blame me for you all going to Hope School.

In Chan I trust.

Nobody cares about Marshall. 66-6, bitches! Look it up, the year after the crash Marshall beat Xavier (football team!). The next week, mighty Miami beat them by 60. NEVER FORGET!

Anonymous said...

G$...I think you misspelled "Suh" when you put "Mario".

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$- we understand your logic. However, your logic looks stupid when its an AFC PREVIEW day!

Damman- stop making shitty excuses for the Tigers pwning the tribe this year.

Dut

The Iceman said...

G$...I think you misspelled "Suh" when you put "Mario".

Agree. Suh will be responsible for 4 on the field fatalities this year. If that doesn't get you the defensive MVP I don't know what does.

Anonymous said...

I also said something like "might as well give out awards, too". I guess I won't pick the SB winner tomorrow since it involves an AFC team. YOU ARE ALL WRONG.

Driving back to Nap today (FIF and final fantasy draft tonight), I saw a semi around Marysville with "THE ICEMAN" on the truck grille with a skull and crossbones underneath. Congrats on the new gig, Iceman!

--G$

The Iceman said...

I'm a God damn enforcer on the road. I brake for no one.