Monday, September 05, 2011

Like it or not...Here I am.

"What has two thumbs and likes to raw dog your 16 year old daughter?"

Get the fuck out of the way, Mr. Ape. It's the official debut of the Iceman here at the Money Shot. I know you all have been anxiously awaiting this moment. I just ask that you please hold your applause until the end. Prepare yourself for knowledge bombs that will turn your brain into shit. Here's how Tuesday is gonna work for the college foosball. I've come up with some weekly awards I'm giving out to the most deserving team/player. The awards could change from week to week, or they could stay the same. I guess it all depends on what I feel like that day. Here we go. The envelopes please...

"Pussy Magnet" award (best player from the weekend) - Robert Griffin III, Baylor

If people didn't know about this guy before, they sure as shit do now. How many shots of Beefeater do you think Gary Patterson did on the ride home? Seventy? Or, did he just drink right out of the bottle like a disheveled hobo in downtown Fort Worth? More than anything he was probably still in shock that a black quarterback was able to shred his usually stellar defense that way. Because is there any doubt that a white coach at a Christian school in Texas is racist? We should just call him Bud Kilmer and get it over with. Patterson probably went home and started punching the Mexicans that clean his house and landscape his yard. Seriously though, what a game. Griffin looked unstoppable and I hope he parlayed that success into multiple partners that night. Just a friendly pointer for RG3 in case he has a repeat performance this year: next time throw it in her butt so she can't blame you for an unexpected pregnancy caused by frat boy rape later on in the year.

"Colostomy Bag" award (worst player from the weekend) - Dayne Crist, Notre Dame

Is there anything better than watching a Notre Dame fuck face fail miserably? It's incredibly satisfying and I wish I could bottle that feeling for days when I feel a little off. The best part about this whole disaster was getting the chance to watch Brian Kelly verbally humiliate his quarterback on national television. When the network has to wrap your entire mouth with a bleep bar like it's a fucking gag, you know the swear tapestry being woven is one that's going to forever ruin that kid mentally. One more dose of mouth wreckage like that and Crist will shit blood every time he simply looks at a football. Kelly's been getting destroyed for this but I think people should back off. It's not like he murdered a student camera man by pushing him off a 40 foot high scaffold. Look on the bright side, Dayne. No one's ever screamed at a clip board holder. The downside? No one wants to fuck the backup. Nice career, douche.

"I Guess You're Okay" award (guy who's starting to grow on me) - Stephen Garcia, South Carolina

He's not very good. Let's just get that out of the way right now. But I'm a sucker for average, white quarterbacks with Mexican last names. (see Garcia, Jeff) Furthermore, I've never been a big Steve Spurrier fan. He's always coming off as a condescending little fucking weasel. So, when Garcia was unceremoniously benched after starting two straight seasons for Spurrier, I was glad to see Stephen get some revenge on the ol' pedophile by saving SC's ass Saturday. It's just too bad that next week against Georgia Garcia will most likely 4-pick his way back to the bench after the Dogs take out their BSU hangover out on the Cocks. We'll always have East Carolina, Stephen. And they can never take that away from us.

"I Bet You're a Sex Offender" award (guy I have irrational hatred for) - Matt Barkley, USC

Maybe it's because he looks like your typical entitled rich boy California fag. Maybe it's because Colin Cowturd wants to shotgun 12 ounces of Barkley's sperm. Maybe it's because he was recruited by Pete Carroll and I think Pete Carroll is rotten hooker pussy. Whatever the reason, I find myself vehemently cheering against Matt Barkley and I really don't have a good reason for it. Maybe it's because everyone fucking loves this guy and because of that they fictionalize how "great" he is. I mean, people wait in line to shine this guy's unit yet if you look at what he's done at USC, it's really not that impressive considering how highly he was recruited. I don't care what his numbers said on Saturday, USC almost lost to fucking Minnesota. Matt Leinart never let that happen and that guy is fucktard royalty. I want Matt Barkley to get a hooker pregnant. A non English speaking underage hooker.

"For Realsies" award (team that is a legitimate contender) - Boise State

Good job, Damman. It's about the only thing you've ever said that's been right. After watching Boise unleash on Georgia Saturday, I'm almost certain this team will play for the national title unless the NCAA gets all mega-gay on them. The next toughest game Boise has is against TCU, but the game is at home and it looks like this could be a rebuilding year for the Frogs. Every year people doubt Boise and every year they make fucks out of people. This year they challenged the SEC and fucking dominated. Granted, it was Mark Richt and the lovable incompetent Georgia Bulldogs, but it was still a ranked SEC school. Oregon is already out of the discussion so that leaves only 2 schools left that have to lose with pretty much the entire season to go. Give them a shot already.

"This Is My Shocked Face" award (team we always knew was a fraud) - Notre Dame

It may seem unfair giving two awards to the Irish, but God dammit they deserve it. Will people please stop putting this fucking team in the preseason top 25? They've been a joke for the past decade and ALWAYS blow a game against an unranked opponent in the first 3 weeks of the season. They should have received a preseason top 25 ban until further notice when Tate Forcier tore the Irish a new turd cutter two years ago. This is what you get. This is your penance for allowing a fictional movie to be made about a midget who had to suck off 3 priests for a chance to get his balls mashed in every week on the scout team. I can't wait to watch you lose against Air Force.

The first week of college football is in the books and at least we can all agree that our lives are better because of it. If you have some awards you would like to be handed out next weekend leave them in the comment section. You can also email me or hit up GMoney in the gay roulette sex chat room. He's the one with the handle JerseyShoreButtLover. You'll most likely be interrupting a conversation about how sexy Ronnie's abs are. Enjoy, bitches.


Grumpy said...

Watching Kelly's face turn red as he screamed at multiple players made it a great Saturday.

Grumpy said...

Oh, and Mason Krysinski is Special Teams Player of The Week.

Anonymous said...

Good start to the G Money blog.

Im gonna offer you a trade and we can go from there.

Your friend,

MuDawgfan said...

It's just too bad that next week against Georgia Garcia will most likely 4-pick his way back to the bench after the Dogs take out their BSU hangover out on the Cocks

From your lips to God's ears Iceman...

GMoney said...

See...that wasn't so bad. Notre Dame losing is like the holy grail. It's too early for me to know if that analogy makes any sense but I love it when the Irish lose.

Hey GSaul, Duke lost to Richmond.

Monday Night Raw was tremendous even if it did lack Mark Henry.

GMoney said...

RG3's game was better than everything that TP did at OSU...combined. I am only comparing these two because they are black, gangly athletes masquerading as quarterbacks.

HOW IS NOTRE DAME FAVORED BY 4.5 AT MICHIGAN??? Hokemania is gonna run wild on the Leprechaun.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Lange. I just hope that Notre Dame continues to stink up the joint. I have anti-Notre Dame material for days.

They're favored because I think Joe Montana is coming back to QB that team next week. You know, ever since he started wearing those ShapeUps...

Anonymous said...

Good start, Iceman. This is better than a may the Forcier be with you post from Ace that we would have gotten.

ND is favored by 4 because they are better than Michigan.

I forgot to watch Raw last night. I'm sure it was faggy anyway.

Mark Richt's career is over. You can officially call me the prediction winner.


Anonymous said...

OSU and Michigan debut new coaches and not a single word on either game?

I'm with Dut...ND is favored because they are better than Michigan. They had over 500 yards of offense...some flukey plays and normal ND suckitude cost them the game. Michigan's defense still looked bad...ND is gonna score. I still am surprised by the spread a bit though with it being the whole first night game and all.

I hate Matt Barkley as well.

It was too fucking hot for football here on Saturday.


Mr. Ace said...

How about Under Armour shitting all over Maryland's uni's last night. That was horrible.

Michigan's defense looked bat at first. But when Mattison adjusted and brought the pressure it was game over. I expect the same Saturday night, and ND will make those same mistakes.

I went 6-0 in my college betting picks this week...only to have my 3 play parlay blown up because Michigan's game was voided because they didn't finish. FUCK THAT SHIT.

How is Toledo a 20 point dog to the Fuckeyes? That moneyline is going to be some sweet cash.

Monday Night Raw is a pedophiles Super Bowl.

GMoney said...

OSU and Michigan debut new coaches and not a single word on either game?

Both teams beat below average competition and proved nothing. Happy now?

Anonymous said...

I didn't want to come out of the gate firing double barreled Michigan/Ohio State material. Too predictable. We have several more weeks to touch on those teams. I figured everyone can agree on some good ol fashion Notre Dame hate.

Everyone has said Notre Dame is better for the last 2 years and what has happened? Michigan had the worst defense in all of college football last year and Notre Dame still couldn't win.

How did they look bad? They had 2 defensive touchdowns and actually made adjustments when Carder was having success. They looked improved over last year and as long as they continue to improve every week, that's all I care about.

Anonymous said...

What website do you bet your salary at?


Anonymous said...

Western was about to score another TD which turned into a defensive TD. Agreed nice play on the D...but they got the ball there.

Michigan gave up 10 to UConn last year in the opening game and then gave up 24 to ND the next week. I see the same thing happening...except more from ND.
We'll see.

Toledo is 20 pt dogs because they are vastly inferior to OSU's B team.


Anonymous said...

I'm just happy about 2 defensive scores in one game and an offense that doesn't score in 2 plays. I think Michigan had 3 TOTAL defensive TDs under BitchRod.

Mr. Ace said...

Lange, I use I haven't tried to withdrawal money since the government crackdown, but I hear it is more difficult, but people still get their money.

Toledo will win by 9.

Michigan can outscore ND. I'm not worried at all. I don't think ND is going to bounce back after last week, one sign of adversity and they will crumble. Advantage; Michigan haz it.

Grumpy said...

While watching RG3 I had the same thought as G$; this is better than anything TP did in his career.

Mr. Ace said...

ESPN projects the Book Hockey Facials to put up 156...they obviously see who has the best team in the MSFL. Grump and NW bring/take it up the rear.

Prime99 said...

Don't get so cocky Ace- that projection is based on Matthew Berry's love of Ron Mexico's cock. You're going to need a big effort to beat Murder Panties.

Anonymous said...

Murder Panties = Best name in that league.

Anonymous said...

How about that? The "worst" team in the league, Social Assassins, is projected with the most points in the league. I guess G$ and Iceman know something ESPN doesn't.

I also get a layup week 1 playing NW.


GMoney said...

NW = FagNasty = Akron

How fitting would it have been if Brian Kelly got struck by lightning on Saturday? That would have been a fairytale ending for that scumbag bastard.

We'll see how it pans out, but 20 points seems pretty high to me.

Anonymous said...

If Damman's team is projected to dominate, that makes me nervous. My team is also projected to destroy bitches... And Dammans team sounded god awful.