"What has two thumbs and likes to raw dog your 16 year old daughter?"
Get the fuck out of the way, Mr. Ape. It's the official debut of the Iceman here at the Money Shot. I know you all have been anxiously awaiting this moment. I just ask that you please hold your applause until the end. Prepare yourself for knowledge bombs that will turn your brain into shit. Here's how Tuesday is gonna work for the college foosball. I've come up with some weekly awards I'm giving out to the most deserving team/player. The awards could change from week to week, or they could stay the same. I guess it all depends on what I feel like that day. Here we go. The envelopes please...
"Pussy Magnet" award (best player from the weekend) - Robert Griffin III, Baylor
If people didn't know about this guy before, they sure as shit do now. How many shots of Beefeater do you think Gary Patterson did on the ride home? Seventy? Or, did he just drink right out of the bottle like a disheveled hobo in downtown Fort Worth? More than anything he was probably still in shock that a black quarterback was able to shred his usually stellar defense that way. Because is there any doubt that a white coach at a Christian school in Texas is racist? We should just call him Bud Kilmer and get it over with. Patterson probably went home and started punching the Mexicans that clean his house and landscape his yard. Seriously though, what a game. Griffin looked unstoppable and I hope he parlayed that success into multiple partners that night. Just a friendly pointer for RG3 in case he has a repeat performance this year: next time throw it in her butt so she can't blame you for an unexpected pregnancy caused by frat boy rape later on in the year.
"Colostomy Bag" award (worst player from the weekend) - Dayne Crist, Notre Dame
Is there anything better than watching a Notre Dame fuck face fail miserably? It's incredibly satisfying and I wish I could bottle that feeling for days when I feel a little off. The best part about this whole disaster was getting the chance to watch Brian Kelly verbally humiliate his quarterback on national television. When the network has to wrap your entire mouth with a bleep bar like it's a fucking gag, you know the swear tapestry being woven is one that's going to forever ruin that kid mentally. One more dose of mouth wreckage like that and Crist will shit blood every time he simply looks at a football. Kelly's been getting destroyed for this but I think people should back off. It's not like he murdered a student camera man by pushing him off a 40 foot high scaffold. Look on the bright side, Dayne. No one's ever screamed at a clip board holder. The downside? No one wants to fuck the backup. Nice career, douche.
"I Guess You're Okay" award (guy who's starting to grow on me) - Stephen Garcia, South Carolina
He's not very good. Let's just get that out of the way right now. But I'm a sucker for average, white quarterbacks with Mexican last names. (see Garcia, Jeff) Furthermore, I've never been a big Steve Spurrier fan. He's always coming off as a condescending little fucking weasel. So, when Garcia was unceremoniously benched after starting two straight seasons for Spurrier, I was glad to see Stephen get some revenge on the ol' pedophile by saving SC's ass Saturday. It's just too bad that next week against Georgia Garcia will most likely 4-pick his way back to the bench after the Dogs take out their BSU hangover out on the Cocks. We'll always have East Carolina, Stephen. And they can never take that away from us.
"I Bet You're a Sex Offender" award (guy I have irrational hatred for) - Matt Barkley, USC
Maybe it's because he looks like your typical entitled rich boy California fag. Maybe it's because Colin Cowturd wants to shotgun 12 ounces of Barkley's sperm. Maybe it's because he was recruited by Pete Carroll and I think Pete Carroll is rotten hooker pussy. Whatever the reason, I find myself vehemently cheering against Matt Barkley and I really don't have a good reason for it. Maybe it's because everyone fucking loves this guy and because of that they fictionalize how "great" he is. I mean, people wait in line to shine this guy's unit yet if you look at what he's done at USC, it's really not that impressive considering how highly he was recruited. I don't care what his numbers said on Saturday, USC almost lost to fucking Minnesota. Matt Leinart never let that happen and that guy is fucktard royalty. I want Matt Barkley to get a hooker pregnant. A non English speaking underage hooker.
"For Realsies" award (team that is a legitimate contender) - Boise State
Good job, Damman. It's about the only thing you've ever said that's been right. After watching Boise unleash on Georgia Saturday, I'm almost certain this team will play for the national title unless the NCAA gets all mega-gay on them. The next toughest game Boise has is against TCU, but the game is at home and it looks like this could be a rebuilding year for the Frogs. Every year people doubt Boise and every year they make fucks out of people. This year they challenged the SEC and fucking dominated. Granted, it was Mark Richt and the lovable incompetent Georgia Bulldogs, but it was still a ranked SEC school. Oregon is already out of the discussion so that leaves only 2 schools left that have to lose with pretty much the entire season to go. Give them a shot already.
"This Is My Shocked Face" award (team we always knew was a fraud) - Notre Dame
It may seem unfair giving two awards to the Irish, but God dammit they deserve it. Will people please stop putting this fucking team in the preseason top 25? They've been a joke for the past decade and ALWAYS blow a game against an unranked opponent in the first 3 weeks of the season. They should have received a preseason top 25 ban until further notice when Tate Forcier tore the Irish a new turd cutter two years ago. This is what you get. This is your penance for allowing a fictional movie to be made about a midget who had to suck off 3 priests for a chance to get his balls mashed in every week on the scout team. I can't wait to watch you lose against Air Force.
The first week of college football is in the books and at least we can all agree that our lives are better because of it. If you have some awards you would like to be handed out next weekend leave them in the comment section. You can also email me or hit up GMoney in the gay roulette sex chat room. He's the one with the handle JerseyShoreButtLover. You'll most likely be interrupting a conversation about how sexy Ronnie's abs are. Enjoy, bitches.