Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Hump Day Hump: Buenos Noches, Oswaldo

Clean up your skeet, Spiderman.
There really isn’t anything going on that draws my ire at the moment, so how about dipping back into our old Wednesday staple, The Hump Day Hump? But first—a question! So I’m responsible for taking the dog for “night walk”. She$ takes him around the ‘hood after work and I go three hours or so later to make sure he has no energy left. It never fails that I will be walking along and out of nowhere one strand of spider web will plaster itself to my forehead. It happens every time. That shit is nasty. I immediately freak out because, you know, how is this even possible? This web/stringy type thing appears to be attached to nothing! I guess I just assume that it is spider related, maybe it isn’t though. Someone call up a scientist and tell me what this shit is because if I find out that Tobey Maguire is jacking off on my face, I’m going to be furious. And I will never stop being disgusted when I run into that stuff either. Anyway, on to GSaul’s favorite post structure…

Now Ozzie will never learn English – This sort of snuck in as news the other night but Ozzie Guillen (a manager) was “traded” to the Marlins for two low level prospects. What the fuck? I mean, it makes sense. Ozzie was doing a terrible job for the last few years and needed a new home and he was going to get fired anyway, but why would the Marlins agree to this? If they waited a month, they could have got this Cholo without giving up anyone. And how do you just trade your manager?  Shouldn't he have to go through waivers or something?  Or in Ozzie's case, WAIVOS RANCHEROS!  LOL!!!  OMG, that is one of the three greatest jokes that I've ever written!!!  Oh well, it should be a smooth transition for Ozzie as he can easily go from calling Jay Mariotti a faggot to Dan LeBatard. By the way, has anyone watched that guy’s new show? I bet that it’s terrible.  Whatever...just don't leave the Midwest before you aerate my yard, pindajo.

Gurgle, Tony Romo, swallow, repeat – Can you see why normal people hate Tony Romo now? Did you watch the Monday Nighter? NOW do you see why that booth is an abortion? Statistically, Romo had a worse game than Rex. Did Rex get any love at all from the booth? Not from what I heard. He doesn’t really deserve it, but if Jaws is going to blame a tight end for Romo under-throwing an end zone pass by 20 feet and Gruden is going to say it was the best game of Romo’s career in which he never got his team into the end zone, then Grossman should get some props. I didn’t realize that berating your teammates on the field or not being able to tell your center what the snap count is makes you some sort of tremendous leader. It’s pretty easy to hate Romo once you realize that everyone tries to make excuses for him and wants to call him clutch now after he pissed away that Jets game just TWO WEEKS AGO. But then again, I will never understand the simple joys of Tony’s boy-ish good looks and love for bachelor party hide and seek games. Fuck him. Jaws and Gruden are an embarrassment to an already embarrassing profession.

I guess anyone can get a statue these days – The Indians are building a statue for Jim Thome outside of Insurance Field. Hmmmm, I’m not saying that Jim isn’t worthy of a statue but…I guess I don’t know what I’m saying exactly. Tribe fans hated him for years because their front office convinced them that their offer of 24 million dollars less than Philly’s was equal. Here’s a thought: there wouldn’t be a statue at all if his name was Jaime Thome or Jim Gomez. I know this because Albert Belle and Manny did just as much (if not more) for those Indians teams and all they have are unspoken bans from the game!

Canadian racism is hilarious – The Flyers were playing a preseason game somewhere up in Canada. They have a big black dude named Simmons (or something) on their team. At one point, a fan chucked a banana on the ice. This is really funny to me. “Look at that big ape OOT there…making a mockery out of OUR game, buddy. I’ll show him. (hurls banana) GO BACK TO NIGERIA, GUY!” Hockey is awesome. And it is totes bullshit that James “Mr. Wiz” Wisniewski got suspended for the first 8 games of the year for a hit on some fag named Cal. Bettman still trying to screw the Jackets…

It’s funny because he can’t read – How dumb do you have to be to not qualify for college if you are a stud athlete? Apparently, if you are future(?) Buckeye baller LaQuinton Ross, the answer is VERY DUMB. We’ll have to find out in the comments if this guy is any good or not but I just like to point and laugh at people with more talent than me but don’t know how to print their name.

The Hub is an incredible network – She$ and I were watching an old Family Ties episode the other week (as well as the Wonder Years, butthead!) when out of the blue comes a Tom Hanks appearance. And he was playing Uncle Ned…who was an alcoholic. He was so drunk that he chugged a bottle of vanilla extract in front of Marty McFly. It was one of the best TV episodes I’ve ever seen. Drunk Uncle Ned > Forrest Gump. Speaking of the Hanks family, I can’t wait for Dexter to murder Colin Hanks this season.

I think that that about covers it for today. Let’s keep rooting for the Red Sox collapse. Tomorrow feels like a Division Series Prediction post where I will try to incorporate pictures of adult film stars (and succeed). So you’ve got that to look forward to.

25 comments:

Grumpy said...

You forgot about the gay slur Simmons then hurled at a Flyer. Romo didn't forget to tell his center the snap count; everyone but Romo remembered the snap count. He's a douche.

Anonymous said...

Bring back Dennis Miller.

Anonymous said...

Ozzie still had one year left on his contract so if the Sox "released" him, they would have to pay him. Now since they traded him, they don't have to pay him. It wasn't really up to the Marlins.

Albert was a huge asshole to everyone in the organization while he was in Cleveland. Manny wasn't much better and has the PED's going on. It's not rocket science to figure out why they will never get a statue.

The Buckeye recruit was supposedly the 2nd best frosh coming in for the Bucks. Don't really know all the details on that one.

-Damman

The Iceman said...

Ozzie will be licking coke out of some laundry mat worker's butthole in no time. Tacos. It's the only Spanish word I know.

My Dexter boner is so big right now it's about to crack my penis skin. Sunday, baby!

Nothing will ever beat Jaws saying "shit" on the Miami/New England Monday telecast, then tucking his tail between his bitch ass legs and apologizing for it later. What a slit. But yeah...those guys fucking blow. Mainly because Gruden loves every single player on the field. Which is odd because when he coached it hated everyone and tried killing all of their families.

The Iceman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GMoney said...

This sentence is going to read weird...THE INDIANS ARE RACIST!!!

Simmonds: "Thanks for the potassium, FAGGOT!" Hockey still rules.

I like to think that Ozzie would rather manage in front of 200 people per night over dealing with Adam Dunn for two more games. It's going to be pretty hot in Miami...will Ozzie still wear that huge coat with the towel wrapped around his neck? He keeps his stolen hubcaps in that towel by the way.

Racism and stereotypes are perfectly acceptable when applied toward Ozzie. New rule for this site.

Mr. Ace said...

I knew it was time for Ozzie to go...but I fucking loved that guy. Homophobic slurs and cursing should be mandatory press conference etiquette for all managers.

Anonymous said...

Ozzie should be funny in Miami since they are opening up a new stadium adn are going to make him the face of the franchise to get hispanics to go to games.

Might want to wait ont hat divisional series preview if we have two win or go home games tomorrow. I'm definitely rooting for the Red Sox collapse. I think it's real dumb to be throwing Lester on three days rest tonight....especially after he got destroyed over the weeeknd.

Laquinton Ross is obviuosly retarded. He's very good...probably the second best player in the Buckeye class. He's a mismatch....style of play is like T-Mac including the occasional lack of motivation....shocking with how smart he obviously is. They seeem to think if he can pass an online course or two he will be back in the middle of December. We'll see.

I'd like to see G$ throw a watermelon on the ice when Simmonds comes to Columbus.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I think the issue with Ross was that he transferred schools between his junior and senior year of high school and for some reason his old school is dragging their feet in getting his transcripts to the NCAA Clearinghouse. I am not saying he is not a complete idiot, but the reason he is being held out is not simply because he had a 0.4 GPA.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Wait, since when was racism and stereotypes not a mainstay on this site?

Ide

GMoney said...

Tell me about it, Drew, these damn chokers are ruining my posting plans. With Texas as hot as they are, it feels like we're about to have a civil war here next week...

White Trash vs. The Most Intelligent and Mild-Mannered Fans in All of Sport

.4 GPA...that is goddamn impressive. Did he fail Study Hall?

Anonymous said...

Strut....Ross went to like four high schools.

It has nothing to do with one of them dragging their feet. It has to do with when he was a Freshman at one school he got like two D's. After he left that high school they ended up changing their grading curves and his D's turned into like C's. At first glance he was elgiible. But, then somehow they saw that these grades changed...which the high school said was because they changed their curves/grading scale/whatever. But, the NCAA said that whatever his grades were originally are what they have to go by. This made him fall below the eligible line. I actually think the NCAA is right in this situation and it's hard for me to feel bad for him since he's so dumb for real. Hopefully he makes it back soon.

G$...Bring on the Civil War.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

WAIVOS RANCHEROS!!!

That really is one of the funniest thing I've read in quite some time. Well done.

Tony Romo is the opposite of Jay Cutler. When Jay plays well, media question him. When Romo plays sort of ok, media form a line to suck him off. for the record, I'm certain Cutler is better than Romo.

Anonymous said...

I think Cutler is wayyyy better than Romo.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

You're right, Drew. I just read an article saying as much. I knew it had something to do with former high schools and transcripts.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

Cutler might be the worst QB in the league. And he has a turkey neck.

Anonymous said...

Glad the hump day hump has made a return to this site!

-GSaul

Prime99 said...

Iceman- as a Browns and Michigan fan, both of your teams have far worse QB-play than Cutler. When you get diabetes, Jay Cutler will not be sad.

GMoney said...

Wait a minute, GSaul, don't go anywhere. Barring a miracle comeback from that faggot Ide...

Congrats to GSaul for winning the fantasy baseball league this year! Thy crown is a heavy one though.

You suck, Ide. Clearly, your closers and Cliff Lee theory was terrible. I'm not even going to pay you. I'll just use the second place share on black tar heroin and PBR.

GMoney said...

Cutler and Romo (and the Sex Cannon for that matter) are just like AJ Burnett. You are either going to get a really good game or complete hog shit. There is no in-between. But you will know early what you've got.

How about that for a great analogy?

Anonymous said...

Gonna be a good night of baseball tonight! There are about 8 games that still mean something. Hails yea.

The Sox are gonna go into the shitter without Ozzie.

G$- who would you rather get beat by in the 1st round? Tigers or Rangers?

Dut

Anonymous said...

Was Rex playing with a broken rib? Punctured lung? Incompetent center? Scrub wide receivers? A turnstile at left tackle? Oh, he wasn't? Then STFU.

Anonymous said...

So, the Red Sox are thinking about trading for Bruce Chen to pitch Game 163 tomorrow...if there is one....to avoid Lackey or Wakefield throwing on short rest. Holy shit I hope that happens. I'd love to see them trade a couple prospects to put a whole season on the shoulders of someone who has been on the team for less than 24 hours...and is Bruce Chen. Please happen.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Was Rex playing with a broken rib?
--Rex can not be hurt by mortal man.

Punctured lung?
--Prove it. Arian Foster proved his injury. I don't believe this as anything more than Jerry Jones horseshit.

Incompetent center?
--Tell him what the goddamn cadence is then. He's going to be there all season so get used to it.

Scrub wide receivers?
--Dez Bryant and Jason Witten seem pretty damn good to me. Would you like to compare who Romo throws to with who Rex throws to? Didn't think so.

A turnstile at left tackle?
--Free is the starter and will be all season. It's not like Stephon Heyer is out there. Get used to it.

Oh, he wasn't? Then STFU.
--You want to put me in John Cena's submission move, the STFU? That makes little sense although, as a Romo wonk, I bet you wear a lot of jorts.

ARE YOU SEEING THIS, REGULARS? Cowboys fans are fucking terrible!!!

Anonymous said...

haha more from Anon Cowboys fan please. Comment of the day

- J Saul