Thursday, September 15, 2011

Enjoy It Now, Hayseeds

FIX THAT HAT!
Football season does strange things to normal sports fans. Take me for example. My baseball team is gearing up for the playoffs by coasting through September on their way to another AL East title and homefield advantage and I couldn’t give less of a fuck. It’s football season, dammit. I’ll pay attention come October when shit gets real.

I couldn’t tell you one damn thing that happened during last week’s series throughout the sport other than the Yankees lost 2 out of 3 in Anaheim . And two nights ago, the best closer of all time recorded save #600 (which I didn’t even know he was getting close to until he already accomplished said feat). I do know that Manny was being Manny all over his wife’s face which got him arrested. Classic Manny! So instead of continuing on about my indifference to the non-existent division races, allow me to reflect on the recent successes of the Trailer Park Tigers.

My Facebook feed is constantly being littered by dumbass Tigers fans saying retarded shit like “the last time the Tigers won blah blah blah games in a row in September was 1984”. Oh yeah? Well the last two times that NFL players have went on strike the Redskins won the Super Bowl that year. Should I be booking a room in Indy now? Fucking dolts. I probably should though…just to be safe.

I get it. The Tigers are playing well. They are beating up on shitbird teams like good teams are supposed to. In fact, I hope that they stay hot for a little while longer so that the heads of their fans can get bigger and more toothless. What these morons don’t seem to get is that Ozzie Guillen and Melky Cabrera won’t be there in October. Oh no. You’re going to actually have to beat quality teams then when the pressure and spotlight is on. Has Jose Valverde’s terrible ass even been on TV before? Good luck with that four-eyed turd.

Let’s take Dut’s reference yesterday to Tony’sPizzalander being on next week’s SI cover and being some sort of nightmare for the Yankees and Red Sox. Ummm OK. Dude has been better than average for most of the season but he’s too hopped up on meth to keep it going (plus he didn’t do anything remarkable in his two starts against the ‘Stripes earlier). He’ll fail. He’ll fail miserably. He’s just like the rest of the team. They’re getting hot at the wrong time.

Like I said, I hope that they keep this up for another week or two. Then, when they are getting shutout by John Lackey in the 8th inning of game 3 of the ALDS and staring at a sweep, they won’t be able to figure out what is going on (due to generations of inbreeding). Kenny Rogers isn’t going to save you with his cheating this time.

I hope that Tigers fans still cherish that dirty 2006 run when they made a disgrace of baseball by carrying Jim Leyland on their shoulders and dumping canned beers on their idiot fans after winning NOTHING. Actually, I know that these rubes still beat off to that season. Well, in three weeks, when your season ends and everyone braces themselves for another agonizing and annoying Red Sox/Yankees series, just remember how awesome September was in 2011 while you dump a Natty Ice on some hobo. Fags. The Tigers are terrible. They aren’t going to win anything…not even the title of Beef Queen at the Henry County Fair (actual award!).

There. That should get some heat going in the comment section today. Just know that I believe every word of what I wrote. Especially the part about Tigers fans being fags.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

On an unrelated note, how hilarious is that story about Sarah Palin fucking Glen Rice at the 1987 Great Alaska Shootout? I would watch the shit out of that tape if it existed. Which I hope it does.

--$

Anonymous said...

You are so dumb....for real.

I don't even want the Red Sox in the first round. I hope Texas passes us again so taht we get the Yankees and their front-running fake Italian fans.

I'm sooo scared of A-Fraud and his 15 home runs. Sister Fister will get him out every time.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Quit acting like Baseball is better when 'The Yankees' and 'Sox are good...

JV for MVP

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

Well I can assure you that baseball fucking sucks when the Tigers are having a fluke season.

We're all going to enjoy it when Detroit fails miserably.

--$

Anonymous said...

I hope Leyland puts a cigarette out on Jeter's forehead at some point.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Saying that JV is just having an above average year shows how stupid this post is.

Valverde has been better when pressure has been on this year. His era when its a save situation is .5. Non saves its 6. I guess it doesn't matter though since the Tigers will never have a lead in the playoffs.

I can't look it up on my blackberry, but go to the archives and look at G$'s whiney post after the Tigers pwned the Yankees in October 2006. It is fantastic. I'm pretty sure G$ was calling for a Yankees sweep then too.

Drew- homefield advantage vs the crippled Sox or Rays would be better than playing at NY in the first round.. Even though I love our chances vs them in a 5 game.

Dut

The Iceman said...

At least Tigers fans can feel good about the fact that they will win a World Series before the Indians do. I've reached my limit on comments on baseball posts.

Anonymous said...

G$$ is just being a comment whore today, needs more attention since yesterday was weak. So he throws up a softball for all his Tigers readers to go apeshit on. I'll chalk this one up to ignance.

He's too smart of a baseball Guru to be calling JV's year 'Above Avg'.

Do they talk about all Above avg pitchers years as MVP candidates, or was Pedro the last time?!

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

Tigger fans - Have you at least been realistic over the past 3 2weeks and take a look at who you have played?? White Sux, Twinks, Injuns, White Sux again, and Royals. The last good team you played was August 25th (Rays)!!! The AL east has 4 teams with winning records and they continue to beat up on each other!!
Oh by the way............because of Sarah Palin/Glen Rice, they are going to rename the tournament to "THE ALASKAN SHOOT IT OUT HER MOUTH"

Anonymous said...

What a fantastic post today, G$. It looks like it has brought out all faggy Tiger fans today. I can't wait for that fat fuck Valverde to blow his first save opportunity in playoffs.

It was pretty hilarious to watch Tiger fans spray Busch Light on each other after winning the freaking ALDS in 2006. What a bunch of tools.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Damman....better than watching Indians fans spray their semen all over each other.

G$...keep hatin' on who we've played. The fact is that the Tigers were hanging around .500 all year cuz' because we lost EVERY time the 5th starter got out here. Now Sister Fister has arrived and he's utouchable. Add in the Delmon Young pick up...yeah...different team broham.

John Kruk told me yesterday that hte Tigers are the team to beat in the AL. He's better looking AND knows more about baseball than G$.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$

THE tigers are 10-10 against the AL east and they are 5-3 against the yankees.They are 17-14 against AL teams battling for the playoffs. Just thought I would put that out there.

NW

Anonymous said...

I have twice as many testicles as Kruk thus am smarter.

HamSaladlander is having a nice season on a nice team. He'll go to a nice playoff series and win a nice award. You just got Trev'd!

You guys probably aren't smart enough to decipher what I said, but I only stated that the Red Sox and their roster absent of losers like Don Kelly and John Peralta and Wilson Betemit. You lose.

Go fuck Glen Rice.

--$

Anonymous said...

I mean the Sox would sweep. Never said anything about the Yanks.

Doug Fister smack! Shame on you. Was Brad Penny not available? He's already in the rotation? Hilarious.

I know what the records are. I also know that the teams haven't played each other since May.

--$

Anonymous said...

The Whitesox and Indians were both in contention until they got spanked by the Tigers.

The last good team the Tigers played was the Rays? Ok. You also left out the part where we took 3/4 on the road vs them.

Dut

Dut

Anonymous said...

No, you left out the part where THE TIGERS ARE NOT ELITE! THEY DEFINE OVERRATED! THEY ARE NO MIKE NUGENT! THEY LACK THE SEX APPEAL OF GLENN DANZIG!

That was fun. Not as much fun as Ernie Harwell's corpse getting raped in the playoffs, but still fun.

--$

Anonymous said...

G$ discounts the fact that the Tigers have a winning record vs the Yankees and blames it on them not playing since May... But in the original post he says that Verlander was not that great against the stripes (also in May). Double standard? I think so.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Double standards do not apply to guys that excel on the banjo.

--$

Mr. Ace said...

Big Lots Buckeyes x White Trash Tigers= FUCKTARDS 100% ODD THE TIME.

Done.

Anonymous said...

Brad Penny is not even going to be on the playoff roster, so Brad Penny smack talk is as retarded Jorge Posada's son.

--Drew

Justin Verlander said...

Does anyone have a package of that bologna with the olives in it? I'm hungry and feel like a sandwich.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, Justin, but this site is an olive loaf-free zone.

--$

Anonymous said...

Admit, this post was 50% opinion and 50% comment solicitation....


- J Saul

Anonymous said...

I believe every word that I wrote, scrote. I can't be responsible for the reactions of inferior people.

--$