What's up you fuckin ferries? Another week of college football in the books and another week of awards to hand out. Before we get started, I would like to give a personal deep fisted fuck you to Marmalard Rivers and Stephen Jackson. Fuck you very much to both of you and I appreciate the diligent effort both of you have given in my 0-2 start in the MSFL (assuming Ahmad Bradshaw doesn't render himself useless Monday night). Now kindly remove your heads from your asses and pussies and get crackin. That needed to be said. The envelopes please...
Pussy Magnet Award - Kellen Moore (Boise St.)
I was tempted to give it to Lattimore again for another week of putting everyone in his front pouch of excellence like a mother kangaroo and carrying them to the fucking promised land, but I gotta throw some love to the little guy. Plus watching Moore incinerate Toledo reminded me of just how worthless Joe Bauserman is. Is Moore Tim Tebow, minus the national titles, Heisman trophies and "Jesus Pwns" t-shirts? Probably. Do I make that comparison because he's white, left handed and more God damn adorable than two teddy bears wrestling? No doubt. Would his heart explode if he ever watched the opening sequence of a porno? Without question. Despite all this you HAVE to be impressed with what he's doing considering how dreadful his receiving corp is this year. If Moore even liked pussy, I'm sure he would have been knee deep in it Saturday night upon returning to the potato state. Instead he probably read "War and Peace" and was sound asleep by 10PM.
Colostomy Bag Award - Joe Bauserman (Ohio State)
I'm sorry. Baaahserman. Just wanted to say his name right. Now that we have that covered...on to the bashing. Have you ever in your life seen a worse performance by a scholarship player? Let's just whip that golden stat line up there in case anyone forgot how fuckin putrid this abortion was on Saturday. 2-14 for 13 yards. Ha! More attempts than yards? Are you shittin me?? Kill yourself. Well, at least he didn't turn the ball over. It's safe to say that the days of Joey Ballgame feeling up his center's butthole are over. He looked like a 7 year-old gay kid out there. On a few of those throws I found myself wondering if he was accidentally throwing left handed. It was fun while it lasted Boz. Now go grab that clipboard and glue it to your fucking hand because the only way you're seeing the field again is if you can somehow score Polaroids of Fickell fingerblasting a billy goat. With the new found plethora of free time you're going to have, why don't you go work on not looking like a 40 year old trucker seconds away from winding up on Dateline: How to Catch a Predator.
I Guess You're Okay Award - Eric Page (Toledo)
I'm starting to think this guy is gonna be a player at the next level. Not just a bench warmer or a practice corpse either, a real impact player. ELITE even. Actually, strike that from the record. Page will never be Ted Ginn or Anthony Gonzalez. He lacks the dedication to shave his own butthole while locked in an altitude tent. He can only strive for quasi-eliteness. But for real...I love Page's game and may actually watch more Toledo games because of him. You know a guy's sweet if it makes you actually WANT to struggle staying awake during a UT game. My only hope is that he doesn't succumb to the violence of some south Toledo meth head who hasn't slept in 2 weeks.
I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Maryland's uniforms
No one really rubbed me the wrong way this week so I'll take this opportunity to ask this to whomever had the idea for Maryland's wardrobe disaster. What the fuck were you thinking? Those uniform designs look like they were made by a blind autistic second grader. I found myself wondering where the fuck Steamin Willie Beamen was and if Tony D'Amato had one last trick tucked away in his leathery coin purse. Thanks for trying Maryland...now get rid of them and forget this happened. If the goal was to look like a fictional football team from a absurd movie then, bravo. Bra-fucking-vo.
For Realsies Award - Stanford
It's so difficult to assess teams after the cupcakes they play and being that it's this early in the season. Having said that, I really like the way Stanford looks right now and how their schedule is laid out going forward. The defense is pulverizing...which is what they're supposed to do at this point, and the offense is killing it...which is also what they're supposed to do at this point. They only have 2 real tests left (unless you count Notre Dame...and you shouldn't) in USC away and Oregon at home. Matt Barkley will be too busy day dreaming about southern California boners to be effective in that game and I don't think that the Dick Hats of USC have the defensive juice to bottle up Goblin Face Luck. Oregon may be a different story and we'll have to see how the Ducks look as the season progresses. But I think playing that game at home, most likely undefeated with a possible chance at a national title bid is enough to power Stanford to a win. This is assuming they don't trip over their own balls and fuck up by losing to USC. But they won't. Barkley loves penis way too much to let that happen.
This is My Shocked Face Award - South Carolina
Just wait. It's coming. The classic Spurrier meltdown game. Marcus Lattimore can't bail you out every week and eventually Stephen Garcia is going to lose you a game or five. Even though I'm a Garcia supporter, we cannot forget the ugly truth. And that truth is that Garcia loves throwing interceptions and losing football games. There are just too many trap games on SC's schedule and too many defenses waiting to feast on the moon balls of Stephen. I see probably 3 or 4 losses this year and thus deflating Lattimore's fleeting hope for a Heisman invite. Then Spurrier can go back to what he does best, directing child porn and mating with warlocks.
Another special shout out to MuDawgfan this week. Your Dawgs are on the board buddy! I know it was only Coastal Carolina, but it was a shut out and everyone's gotta start somewhere. Rome wasn't built in a day my friend. In closing I would just like to say welcome to the Braxton Miller era Buckeye fans. Just remember that no matter what happens...this is what you all wanted. That's all. I have to go cheer for Ahmad Bradshaw to die now.