Tuesday, September 20, 2011

College Football Week 3

                 "Does flexing make these uniforms look less gay?  No??  Shit."




What's up you fuckin ferries?  Another week of college football in the books and another week of awards to hand out.  Before we get started, I would like to give a personal deep fisted fuck you to Marmalard Rivers and Stephen Jackson.  Fuck you very much to both of you and I appreciate the diligent effort both of you have given in my 0-2 start in the MSFL (assuming Ahmad Bradshaw doesn't render himself useless Monday night).  Now kindly remove your heads from your asses and pussies and get crackin.  That needed to be said.  The envelopes please...

Pussy Magnet Award - Kellen Moore (Boise St.)

I was tempted to give it to Lattimore again for another week of putting everyone in his front pouch of excellence like a mother kangaroo and carrying them to the fucking promised land, but I gotta throw some love to the little guy.  Plus watching Moore incinerate Toledo reminded me of just how worthless Joe Bauserman is.  Is Moore Tim Tebow, minus the national titles, Heisman trophies and "Jesus Pwns" t-shirts?  Probably.  Do I make that comparison because he's white, left handed and more God damn adorable than two teddy bears wrestling?  No doubt.  Would his heart explode if he ever watched the opening sequence of a porno?  Without question.  Despite all this you HAVE to be impressed with what he's doing considering how dreadful his receiving corp is this year.  If Moore even liked pussy, I'm sure he would have been knee deep in it Saturday night upon returning to the potato state.  Instead he probably read "War and Peace" and was sound asleep by 10PM.

Colostomy Bag Award - Joe Bauserman (Ohio State)

I'm sorry.  Baaahserman.  Just wanted to say his name right.  Now that we have that covered...on to the bashing.  Have you ever in your life seen a worse performance by a scholarship player?  Let's just whip that golden stat line up there in case anyone forgot how fuckin putrid this abortion was on Saturday.  2-14 for 13 yards.  Ha!  More attempts than yards?  Are you shittin me??  Kill yourself.  Well, at least he didn't turn the ball over.  It's safe to say that the days of Joey Ballgame feeling up his center's butthole are over.  He looked like a 7 year-old gay kid out there.  On a few of those throws I found myself wondering if he was accidentally throwing left handed.  It was fun while it lasted Boz.  Now go grab that clipboard and glue it to your fucking hand because the only way you're seeing the field again is if you can somehow score Polaroids of Fickell fingerblasting a billy goat.  With the new found plethora of free time you're going to have, why don't you go work on not looking like a 40 year old trucker seconds away from winding up on Dateline: How to Catch a Predator.

I Guess You're Okay Award - Eric Page (Toledo)

I'm starting to think this guy is gonna be a player at the next level.  Not just a bench warmer or a practice corpse either, a real impact player.  ELITE even.  Actually, strike that from the record.  Page will never be Ted Ginn or Anthony Gonzalez.  He lacks the dedication to shave his own butthole while locked in an altitude tent.  He can only strive for quasi-eliteness.  But for real...I love Page's game and may actually watch more Toledo games because of him.  You know a guy's sweet if it makes you actually WANT to struggle staying awake during a UT game.  My only hope is that he doesn't succumb to the violence of some south Toledo meth head who hasn't slept in 2 weeks.

I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Maryland's uniforms

No one really rubbed me the wrong way this week so I'll take this opportunity to ask this to whomever had the idea for Maryland's wardrobe disaster.  What the fuck were you thinking?  Those uniform designs look like they were made by a blind autistic second grader.  I found myself wondering where the fuck Steamin Willie Beamen was and if Tony D'Amato had one last trick tucked away in his leathery coin purse.  Thanks for trying Maryland...now get rid of them and forget this happened.  If the goal was to look like a fictional football team from a absurd movie then, bravo.  Bra-fucking-vo.

For Realsies Award - Stanford

It's so difficult to assess teams after the cupcakes they play and being that it's this early in the season.  Having said that, I really like the way Stanford looks right now and how their schedule is laid out going forward.  The defense is pulverizing...which is what they're supposed to do at this point, and the offense is killing it...which is also what they're supposed to do at this point.  They only have 2 real tests left (unless you count Notre Dame...and you shouldn't) in USC away and Oregon at home.  Matt Barkley will be too busy day dreaming about southern California boners to be effective in that game and I don't think that the Dick Hats of USC have the defensive juice to bottle up Goblin Face Luck.  Oregon may be a different story and we'll have to see how the Ducks look as the season progresses.  But I think playing that game at home, most likely undefeated with a possible chance at a national title bid is enough to power Stanford to a win.  This is assuming they don't trip over their own balls and fuck up by losing to USC.  But they won't.  Barkley loves penis way too much to let that happen.

This is My Shocked Face Award - South Carolina

Just wait.  It's coming.  The classic Spurrier meltdown game.  Marcus Lattimore can't bail you out every week and eventually Stephen Garcia is going to lose you a game or five.  Even though I'm a Garcia supporter, we cannot forget the ugly truth.  And that truth is that Garcia loves throwing interceptions and losing football games.  There are just too many trap games on SC's schedule and too many defenses waiting to feast on the moon balls of Stephen.  I see probably 3 or 4 losses this year and thus deflating Lattimore's fleeting hope for a Heisman invite.  Then Spurrier can go back to what he does best, directing child porn and mating with warlocks.

Another special shout out to MuDawgfan this week.  Your Dawgs are on the board buddy!  I know it was only Coastal Carolina, but it was a shut out and everyone's gotta start somewhere.  Rome wasn't built in a day my friend.  In closing I would just like to say welcome to the Braxton Miller era Buckeye fans.  Just remember that no matter what happens...this is what you all wanted.  That's all.  I have to go cheer for Ahmad Bradshaw to die now.

18 comments:

Grumpy said...

I don't know if Bradshaw died, but Eli did and Team Grumpy has one in the win column.

Iceman, you're one funny dude. Why did you spend so much time posing as a douche?

The Iceman said...

Bradshaw was worthless enough to help me lose via tie/fewer bench points. It's one of the worst ways to lose and would have preferred Bradshaw hanging 40 on me.

Thanks Grumpy?? Douchiness is in the eye of the beholder. Not sure if that makes sense, but I just wanted to say that.

Anonymous said...

Buckeye fans can rightfully filet Joey B all they want, but Braxton was worse on Saturday.

How does a school with all of those resources all of a sudden have no competent QB or WR?

--$

Anonymous said...

The irony of the Miami game (G$ how in the world did you ever think that was easy money betting on the Buckeyes?) was that it was the worst offensive performance since...........Tressel's first road game at UCLA that we lost 13-6. Bellsari's stat line that game.... 5 for 23 for 45 yards and 2 INT's. I'm not exactly sure how to rank that line compared to Bauserman and Braxton's from this past weekend...but it definitely fits.

As for G$'s QB/WR question. I would say Tressel had the QB situation set up well...Braxton was arguably the #1 QB in the nation last year...so he was going to sit behind TP this year and then take over next year. That whole kicked off the team thing hurt that succession plan though. As for WR...I'm with ya. Posey is suspended and Philly Brown is hurt...but we still really shouldn't be left with three freshman that have never played real college football before.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Braxton should have been worse. He inexplicably is benched the entire Toledo game and got bullshit reps with Akron. Then he was thrust into a position where he was expected to carry the team in the biggest game of his life. At least his scrambles were respectable to watch. Bauserman set the white race back 25 years with that display.

Im not sure that Fickell could successfully coach a middle school team to the playoffs.

232 points in MSFL. Sucks Mr Brownstone had a career week against that.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I think Fickel was the worst performer on the team that night.

Taking all your time outs home?

Rotating your QB's in the same series? Not letting Braxton play back to back series all night? It was odvious the only chance they were going to have was with Braxtons feet.

Wheres the confidence / groove building for Braxton...he basically made him prove himself per series and then kept putting Joe B back in. Terrible. Did you see Braxton on the sidelines after he was in for 1 play and got yanked for fumbling? He looked like a Vick losing PitBul about to get hung by a tree.

Michigan is 3-0, one week at a time, see you at 10-0 for Nebraska week!

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

Actually, Ide, I thought that Joe B represented white people quite well with his logger beard, no athleticism, and albino skin. He may have even set the bar higher for whitey. More designed QB draws for that man!

--$

Anonymous said...

I agree with JSaul. Fickell shat the bed with his lack of leadership in the form of his willingness to allow Jim Bollman to make all decisions regarding the entire offensive gameplan. I understand Fickell is a Defensive Coach, but Jim Bollman is likely retiring after this year and even if he is let go, he is old enough that he won't give a shit. However, this is likely Fickell's only shot at his dream job. Take the bull by the fucking horns and coach like you actually want to win!

Also, I would say I was more frustrated by this game than I was with the Florida/OSU National Championship game. To borrow a line from my freshman football coach, "I don't mind getting beat, but I hate losing!" At least Florida was a great team that showed up and kicked Ohio State's ass, thereby proving they were the better team. Miami was not even that good (or ranked). Jacory Harris tried as hard as he could to keep Ohio State in the game. Ohio State lost that game themselves.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Also, when are we going to get some new power rankings in the MSFL?

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Good point, LS. You got buttraped by a team headed to the Sun Bowl.

Can the slogan for the remainder of Ohio State's season be "Pizza Pizza"? You should all have Little Caeser's on your mind constantly.

--$

Prime99 said...

Winning on tie breaker bench points isn't all that satisfying but I'll take it. Early in the game I began to think Josh Brown was going to put up 30.

Anonymous said...

The Million Dollar Men are the superior team in the MSFL. I started Brand Lloyd this week eventhough he didn't play (thanks, Glazer!) And still beat Lange by 30. 2-0 and dominant.

--$

Anonymous said...

You "dominated" a team that features Percy Harvin as their best player. On the plus side, Hernandez is out making Gronkowski of the Team Lupus brigade more valuable. Everyone's a winner.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I would assume Iceman knows this. But, Maryland's atrocious uniforms are because the founder of Under Armor is a Maryland grad/huge booster for Maryland. I would assume he just wants people talking about Maryland football which is why he has made sure they are wearing such outlandish costumes.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Are you allowed to run your mouth when you had absolutely zero hand in assembling your team? I mean, ide skipped the draft so he could see his favorite band, Train, in concert. Isn't that right, Soul Sister?

--$

Anonymous said...

Train? Were they even in town that night? And they are gayer than you casually bringing up anal sex in a steel mill. I was in text mode all concert long getting the players we wanted (Felix Jones motherfucker!).I had about as much input on that team as he had on his.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I think its funny that I won and I started colt McCoy. That is awesomeness.

nw

Prime99 said...

If it wasn't Train- what concert was more important than the draft? The only right answer is Danzig.