Tuesday, September 27, 2011

College Football Week 1 (AB)

                          "Care to let a Southern Gent tear up that pussy?"




Welcome to college football week 1 AB (After Bauserman).  I hope G$ and Grumpy enjoyed doing body shots out of each other's bellybuttons while watching the Fighting Scabies of BGSU whip the ass of the Miami RedTaints this past weekend.  We don't know exactly what happened but we can assume it was something sexual since G$ was shirtless and drunk dialing Grump on the way home from the game.  How do you lose to the Alma mater of Shaun Schweeesham?  Did Josh Harris come back for his 6th senior year?  While Grump and G$ lick each other penis wounds, let's hand out some awards.  The envelopes please...

Pussy Magnet Award - Trent Richardson (Alabama)

First off, I'm trying not to have repeat winners here.  That's why RG3 isn't shoving his award into many, many white girl holes again.  Having said that, am I the only one that think Trent Rich is not getting nearly enough pub (what the kids call it) these days?  I feel like no one really talks about the killer season he's putting together.  He's tied for 4th in touchdowns, is 13th in rushing yards, yet only has 67 (31st) carries on the year.  He also catches very well out of the backfield.

Merril Hoge:  FACTOR BACK FACTOR BACK FACTOR BACK FACTOR BACK....

Iceman:  Wha...how the fuck did you get in here?  Go eat your pudding before I lock you in the attic again.

Anyway, with Richardson finally out from behind the hairy, pungent, sloping foreheaded shadow of Mark Ingram he's getting a chance to really showcase his NFL caliber skill set.  He's also a big reason why Alabama is in the top 5.  Let's give him a white girl to cream pie tonight.  He's earned it.

Colostomy Bag Award - Denard Robinson's Right Arm (Michigan)

Okaaaaaaaaay, asshole!  Time to pull your dreadlocks out of your beef hole.  What an absolute fucking joke his passing game has looked like...ALL YEAR.  Make him a running back already and get it over with.  Quarterbacks aren't supposed to have dreads anyway.  They're supposed to be 6'5, 230 pounds with a laser rocket arm, down syndromey/stroke face and a giraffe neck that will need 3 surgeries 15 years from now.  Why does Robinson even have a right arm?  That's right, so he can hold onto the football with TWO hands when he takes off running.  I thought this offense was centered around the idea that Denard became a better passer in the off season.  Instead he looks like a black Chad Henne without the sweet leopard tattoo.  Completely off the subject, if you want a good laugh watch a Denard Robinson interview.  The unintentional comedy scale is through the roof.  It's like he's fucking five.

I Guess You're Okay Award - Justin Blackmon (OSU)

For a long time I've had my reservations about Blackmon.  His potential to stab a stripper in the vagina with a Hostel torture device created by a Japanese scat porn director is through the roof.  But his potential to be a stone cold killer at the next level is even higher than that.  I've always felt this scenario is a mortal lock to play out:  You know those drunk driving commercials where the guys get pulled over driving shit canned while completely submerged in alcohol?  Hilarious, right?  Replace the booze with blow and replace the white dude with the receding hairline with Blackmon.  Now increase the speed of the vehicle 10 fold.  Now have Dez White riding shotgun...while holding a shotgun.  Don't act like I'm crazy, you see it too.  Despite all of that, I like him.  Probably because I love watching talented college wide receivers with mommy issues destroying their lives when they get pornstar money in the NFL.

I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Steve Spurrier (South Carolina)

It's about time I came clean.  I am public enemy numero uno in Spurrier hatred.  I want his head on a stake in my front yard like I'm a Swedish fisherman from 8,000 years ago.  Don't ask why because there isn't a clear cut explanation on deck.  I've never been a Florida, SC, or anything SEC fan and have no real motivation behind this.  He's just one of those guys.  We all have them.  The people you look at and think, "GOD!  What I would fuckin give for just one solid blind cold cock or sudden throat strike.  They just have that constant fucktard look about them and nothing they say or do can ever change it.  Spurrier's liver spotted body was created in the fiery, cursed uterus of Medusa forged from the scalding, horned sperm of Lucifer himself.  If you were unfortunate enough to be forced into a handshake with the Ol' Pedophile you would immediately wash your hands like people did with AIDS victims back in the 80's.  Fuck this guy.  Eternally.

For Realsies Award - LSU

Even though Les Miles is the ultimate slime ball, probably punches women AND licks his dog's hair covered cock sheath, he has these guys playing lights out and that needs to be recognized.  Oh yeah, and they're still without resident criminal Jordan Jefferson at QB.  Furthermore, Tyrann Mathieu is captain cocky McBitch tits, but I guess we can let that slide for now since he's backing up his poop mouth on the field.  Is he the best corner in the country?  Let's ask him:

Iceman:  Tyrann.  Are you the best corne...

Mathieu: /smacks my mouth.  Yes.  Fuckin bitch. /starts doing the cabbage patch.

Iceman:  Guess that settles it.  Coulda done without the smack for future reference...and why are you naked?

This is My Shocked Face Award - Oklahoma

Okay.  I could be wrong on this one but much like having any type of sexual contact with Drew, this column is all about taking chances.  If you barely beat a hog shit Missoruuh team and have 4 ranked teams left on the schedule let's just say I have my doubts you can run the table and come out clean.  I can definitely see Oklahoma doing something fuckin stupid this year...like losing to the ambiguously gay duo of McCoy Shipley 2.0 while their dads touch penis heads in the crowd.  I'm also not sure if Landry Jones is as good as advertised.  Dare I say, he may actually suck shit dicks?  So far all he's proven is that he can fuck up the slow kid (Tulsa).  Once a better team crawls into the picture, ol' Jonesy starts looking like a 6th rounder.  Something to keep your eye on once Oklahoma starts playing better teams.

There it is.  Week 1 AB in the books.  My heavy heart weeps at the thought of no more Joey Ballgame Bauserman jokes now that Braxton Miller has taken over.  A moment of silence please.  In lighter news, Georgia has won two in a row.  That's what we call a winning streak MuDawgfan!  Try it on...see how it fits buddy.  Makes you want to fuck a tub of margarine, right?  A special shout out to the refs of the Toledo/Syracuse game for attempting to review an obvious missed PAT with their buttholes instead of their eyes.  Don't worry, I'm sure you'll never officiate another game where the players are older than 14.  There's no pressure in those games...unless this team is involved.  Notice the perfectly executed truck stick at the :31 mark.  Enjoy that and the pathetic lives you've created for yourself and deserve.  Finally, by the time you read this the Redskins should be 2-1.  Suck boners, G$.

23 comments:

Grumpy said...

Every time I've ever seen Spurrier I've wanted to punch his smug face. Even when he was playing in college, and I was there.

GMoney said...

Wait wait wait--I had my shirt on.

Pay attention, boys, because this is why Iceman got the job. He just spent 300-400 words mentally undressing the only decent player on his favorite team. And he was right about all of it.

Tough loss for the Skins last night. Since Mercury Morris and Larry Csonka are popping champagne this morning, I can admit that the Skins are still about as good as Denard's throwing arm. But the defense is markedly better and they could really use a guy like Blackmon. Imagine how sick El Sex Cannon would be for PIOLES ROJOS!

I would rather lose a road game by 2 points then see my stupid owner high-five a bunch of conquistadors and lucha libre wrestlers after the game. Embarrassing.

The Iceman said...

At least the Skins are #1 in the league in 3rd down defense...and you have Cee-lo Green playing linebacker for you.

How many illegal Mexicans does Double J have on the payroll? Over/Under is at 70.

I would love the chance to watch Grumpy lead pipe Spurrier's knee caps. It would be the ultimate bonding experience.

Anonymous said...

But, Herbstriet told me that Denard was purposely underthrowing those lobs to UM midget WR's for TD's against ND...he can't be wrong can he? That fucking retard.

I thought Braxton played very well on Saturday. Nothing to ejaculate in my pants about, but he's definitely more exciting than the 44 yr old washed up baseball player.

Ape and his Toledo comrades should be embarrassed for demanding taht Syracuse give up that win. Toledo definitely got fucked, but shit happens. Quit cryin'.

I would try to masterbate to G$ and Grumpy Gone Wild videos...no shame in my game.

I belive Trent Richardson was my Heisman pick here. I love how his Mom is currently playing the Terrelle Pryor Game of Tickets in Multiple Fancy Rental Cars and Loaners. Good for her.

G$...Hopefully Schwartz & Co. will take care of the Cowboys in Dalls this Sunday for ya.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Why would we not demand we get the win, or at least take the loss away. They didn't EARN that extra point, they were given it. Bullshit.

Ya, check out sportsbybrooks for some good Trent Richardson cheating evidence. How this guy is still eligible amazes me.

Denard will be alright, and he is right where he needs to be on the field. He's most dangerous when he touches the ball every play. They need to bring in RR for a consult and just run his offense entirely...which seems like what they are going to.

GMoney said...

I would argue with you, Drew, and say that Braxton sucks and that Colorado is worse than a walk-through practice, but as I said yesterday, I don't remember anything from Saturday.

The Redhawks might be the first team ever to lose 10+ games, then win 10 games, and then lose 10+ games. They are going to get KILLED by Cincy on Saturday. Over/Under on punts blocked is 1.5. Take the over. UC QB pressures is 31. Take the over on that, too.

Anonymous said...

Drew,
If what happened to Toledo happened to OSU then you sir wouldn't shut your mouth/ throw the biggest bit Brest til you got answers. OSU is in trouble this year and we can blame it on TP for not giving Braxton another year to develop. IIt is a shitty lose for Toledo but how the hell do you miss an easy call like that even after replay. I agree with Ace about taking the lose away.

God I hate my M$fL team this year. Looks like Iceman and I may have the battle of the worst. Worst of luck to you Iceman.

----Lange

Anonymous said...

Bit breast = bitch fest, stupid auto correct

Anonymous said...

Lange...shit happens. Toledo needs to grow up. Life's not fair. Bad calls happen. OSU got fucked terribly on a TD that Illinois didn't "earn" to win the game. What ever. Deal with it.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I kinda like bit breast better. Sounds like a Marv Albert text. Totally agree with you, Lange. My team's anus has been hollowed out with injuries and Marmalard isn't doing me any favors by doing his best Ryan Leaf impression.

And I have to side with Ape on this one. Toledo deserves that loss as much as Syracuse deserves that win. It should at least be counted as a no decision, or tie. But if you want to make things right, Toledo gets the win. But when has the NCAA ever cared about what is right?

MuDawgfan said...

I understand why people call Les Miles an idiot, but I don't get the "slimeball" tag? Why the hate Iceman?

Anonymous said...

Drew,
I don't hope a bad call happens to OSU, but if it does I want you to come on here and say OSU "needs to grow up. Life's not fair. Bad calls happen. What ever. Deal with it."

I bet you won't.

Your friend
----Lange

Anonymous said...

Lange...I bet I will.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Lange, I can vouch for Drew here...he would totally not say what he's blabbing about today. Who the fuck would do that? Liars is who.

When the Tigers get knocked out of the playoffs because Brett Gardner hits a 9th inning ground ball to shortstop but Angel Hernandez calls it a home run anyway, let's see how you react. And that will totes happen because Angel Hernandez is fucking awful yet keeps getting playoff series.

But at the same time, it's still a loss. You can't say that the game would have played out the same had Cuse been up 2 instead of 3. UT still had a chance to win but didn't so fuck you.

Anonymous said...

It's obviously still a loss. No fucking game is dependent on one play. Toledo can only blame themselves for being dependent on one extra point to beat fucking Syracuse. Give me a break.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Replay is ruining football. It allows the refs to think they don't have to make the right call, rather the odvious looking call because shits gonna get reviewed. Then when replay fails, there is no one to blame but Jim Tressell (at least with his suspension is up with the Colts). And we all have to 'deal with it' when they royally fuck up. The replay rules are getting ridiculous. Why can't they just stick to the red flag game and let the coaches decide when they want something to be looked at? How do you miss call a PAT that was reviewed by video?!

Denard carries the ball too much still. If they keep running the O like they dad last week, he will get hurt. I don't get why even up 3 scores he was still taking back to back keeps. Let him take some target practice and work out of the pocket. They make me nervous.

- J Saul

The Iceman said...

but I don't get the "slimeball" tag? Why the hate Iceman?

This is why:

In 2010, Miles was the subject of numerous allegations of oversigning. Oversigning, in the context of college football, refers to the practice of accepting more binding letters of intent than a program has the capacity to accept within the NCAA-mandated limits of 85 total scholarships and 25 new scholarships per season, in order to account for players being unable to academically qualify or be medically cleared to play, as well as for other players choosing to declare for the NFL Draft or otherwise deciding not to continue playing. To narrow their football rosters down to 85, programs may ask players to accept a deferred scholarship at a later date ("grayshirt") or may renege on their offer altogether, even after a player has enrolled in their school. In other instances, players already on scholarship may have their scholarships not renewed to make room for incoming players.

Scumbag.

Prime99 said...

You guys see the stat line for Hawaii's QB in the first half of their game against UC Davis?

30-40, 424 yards, 7 TDs.

Not a proud day for my school. Funny side note, though. My friend who is a UCD staff member was working the game on the sideline (game was in Hawaii.) A Hawaii fan yelled at her, "Hey girl! Why don't you bend over so I can fuck you in the ass like our team is doing to your team!"

All class from the island folk.

GMoney said...

"Hey girl! Why don't you bend over so I can fuck you in the ass like our team is doing to your team!"

Sounds like something that our old friend, Russian Cat Killer, would say.

Here's a bigger injustice than what happened to UT, how can ANYONE not vote LSU as #1 right now? Three dominating "road wins" over ranked teams is highly un-SEC but should be commended.

Oversigning is like the least scummy thing that a coach in that conference can do. He's a much bigger idiot than he is a scumbag.

Mr. Ace said...

Les booted a kid off campus and yanked his scholly right before the beginning of a semester to clear room for a better recruit. That is scummy. Scummier than paying a players dad $200,000 to win a national title.

UT WANTS ITS WIN BACK!!!

The Iceman said...

Oversigning is like the least scummy thing that a coach in that conference can do.

This kinda hits on a personal level for me so I think this is a lot worse than you may. To sit in a kid's living room and look him and his parents in the eye and promise him things, then revoke everything you said once a "better" recruit comes in is pretty damn low.

GMoney said...

Then let that be a lesson...

Don't be terrible.

Prime99 said...

Same thing happened to me Iceman. Fucking sucks.