Welcome to college football week 1 AB (After Bauserman). I hope G$ and Grumpy enjoyed doing body shots out of each other's bellybuttons while watching the Fighting Scabies of BGSU whip the ass of the Miami RedTaints this past weekend. We don't know exactly what happened but we can assume it was something sexual since G$ was shirtless and drunk dialing Grump on the way home from the game. How do you lose to the Alma mater of Shaun Schweeesham? Did Josh Harris come back for his 6th senior year? While Grump and G$ lick each other penis wounds, let's hand out some awards. The envelopes please...
Pussy Magnet Award - Trent Richardson (Alabama)
First off, I'm trying not to have repeat winners here. That's why RG3 isn't shoving his award into many, many white girl holes again. Having said that, am I the only one that think Trent Rich is not getting nearly enough pub (what the kids call it) these days? I feel like no one really talks about the killer season he's putting together. He's tied for 4th in touchdowns, is 13th in rushing yards, yet only has 67 (31st) carries on the year. He also catches very well out of the backfield.
Merril Hoge: FACTOR BACK FACTOR BACK FACTOR BACK FACTOR BACK....
Iceman: Wha...how the fuck did you get in here? Go eat your pudding before I lock you in the attic again.
Anyway, with Richardson finally out from behind the hairy, pungent, sloping foreheaded shadow of Mark Ingram he's getting a chance to really showcase his NFL caliber skill set. He's also a big reason why Alabama is in the top 5. Let's give him a white girl to cream pie tonight. He's earned it.
Colostomy Bag Award - Denard Robinson's Right Arm (Michigan)
Okaaaaaaaaay, asshole! Time to pull your dreadlocks out of your beef hole. What an absolute fucking joke his passing game has looked like...ALL YEAR. Make him a running back already and get it over with. Quarterbacks aren't supposed to have dreads anyway. They're supposed to be 6'5, 230 pounds with a laser rocket arm, down syndromey/stroke face and a giraffe neck that will need 3 surgeries 15 years from now. Why does Robinson even have a right arm? That's right, so he can hold onto the football with TWO hands when he takes off running. I thought this offense was centered around the idea that Denard became a better passer in the off season. Instead he looks like a black Chad Henne without the sweet leopard tattoo. Completely off the subject, if you want a good laugh watch a Denard Robinson interview. The unintentional comedy scale is through the roof. It's like he's fucking five.
I Guess You're Okay Award - Justin Blackmon (OSU)
For a long time I've had my reservations about Blackmon. His potential to stab a stripper in the vagina with a Hostel torture device created by a Japanese scat porn director is through the roof. But his potential to be a stone cold killer at the next level is even higher than that. I've always felt this scenario is a mortal lock to play out: You know those drunk driving commercials where the guys get pulled over driving shit canned while completely submerged in alcohol? Hilarious, right? Replace the booze with blow and replace the white dude with the receding hairline with Blackmon. Now increase the speed of the vehicle 10 fold. Now have Dez White riding shotgun...while holding a shotgun. Don't act like I'm crazy, you see it too. Despite all of that, I like him. Probably because I love watching talented college wide receivers with mommy issues destroying their lives when they get pornstar money in the NFL.
I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Steve Spurrier (South Carolina)
It's about time I came clean. I am public enemy numero uno in Spurrier hatred. I want his head on a stake in my front yard like I'm a Swedish fisherman from 8,000 years ago. Don't ask why because there isn't a clear cut explanation on deck. I've never been a Florida, SC, or anything SEC fan and have no real motivation behind this. He's just one of those guys. We all have them. The people you look at and think, "GOD! What I would fuckin give for just one solid blind cold cock or sudden throat strike. They just have that constant fucktard look about them and nothing they say or do can ever change it. Spurrier's liver spotted body was created in the fiery, cursed uterus of Medusa forged from the scalding, horned sperm of Lucifer himself. If you were unfortunate enough to be forced into a handshake with the Ol' Pedophile you would immediately wash your hands like people did with AIDS victims back in the 80's. Fuck this guy. Eternally.
For Realsies Award - LSU
Even though Les Miles is the ultimate slime ball, probably punches women AND licks his dog's hair covered cock sheath, he has these guys playing lights out and that needs to be recognized. Oh yeah, and they're still without resident criminal Jordan Jefferson at QB. Furthermore, Tyrann Mathieu is captain cocky McBitch tits, but I guess we can let that slide for now since he's backing up his poop mouth on the field. Is he the best corner in the country? Let's ask him:
Iceman: Tyrann. Are you the best corne...
Mathieu: /smacks my mouth. Yes. Fuckin bitch. /starts doing the cabbage patch.
Iceman: Guess that settles it. Coulda done without the smack for future reference...and why are you naked?
This is My Shocked Face Award - Oklahoma
Okay. I could be wrong on this one but much like having any type of sexual contact with Drew, this column is all about taking chances. If you barely beat a hog shit Missoruuh team and have 4 ranked teams left on the schedule let's just say I have my doubts you can run the table and come out clean. I can definitely see Oklahoma doing something fuckin stupid this year...like losing to the ambiguously gay duo of McCoy Shipley 2.0 while their dads touch penis heads in the crowd. I'm also not sure if Landry Jones is as good as advertised. Dare I say, he may actually suck shit dicks? So far all he's proven is that he can fuck up the slow kid (Tulsa). Once a better team crawls into the picture, ol' Jonesy starts looking like a 6th rounder. Something to keep your eye on once Oklahoma starts playing better teams.
There it is. Week 1 AB in the books. My heavy heart weeps at the thought of no more Joey Ballgame Bauserman jokes now that Braxton Miller has taken over. A moment of silence please. In lighter news, Georgia has won two in a row. That's what we call a winning streak MuDawgfan! Try it on...see how it fits buddy. Makes you want to fuck a tub of margarine, right? A special shout out to the refs of the Toledo/Syracuse game for attempting to review an obvious missed PAT with their buttholes instead of their eyes. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll never officiate another game where the players are older than 14. There's no pressure in those games...unless this team is involved. Notice the perfectly executed truck stick at the :31 mark. Enjoy that and the pathetic lives you've created for yourself and deserve. Finally, by the time you read this the Redskins should be 2-1. Suck boners, G$.