Friday, September 30, 2011

Blogmageddon: We All Knew It Would Come To This

I turn 31 today. Do you want to know how I’m celebrating? I’m going to have shepherd’s pie for the first time ever at some pub tonight and then I’m going to watch UC murder the RedHawks tomorrow. That’s it. Birthdays are absolutely fucking worthless. My parents sent me some money. I bought a 40 pound bag of dog food, a big bone for the dog so he wouldn’t bother me tonight, and a 5 pack of Hanes lay flat collar t-shirts (with one free shirt!). Time to grow out my Hitler ‘stache just like MJ! No bacon neck for this fucker! Again, birthdays are fucking awful.

Since I’m not getting anything of substance anymore (and have accepted this fate), I am going to look to the heavens and ask for things to happen in my favor.
1. The Redskins beat the Cowboys on Monday Night. The Redskins beat the Rams then. I feel like I shouldn’t even have to ask for this though.
2. Miami beats UC on Saturday (will absolutely not happen)
3. The Yankees send the Tigers home. I’m not even asking for a World Series win because that would be greedy. I just want the residents of Food Stamp Nation to be silenced. Preferably forever but I’ll accept an ALDS defeat instead.
I don’t know who the hell I expect is listening to or answering these requests (maybe Santa Claus?), but I would like them to happen anyway. I might even be willing to share a Hanes undershirt with anyone helping out with #3.

Anyway, time for some Division Series predictions. Yes, I have compared each series to an adult film star. If you would like to “bone” up on your knowledge of porno, might I suggest Mr. Ace’s treasure trove of info or my Live Journal of the 2011 AVN Awards. Both posts are safe for work (I think). On second thought, you better not. I could use the site hits though so click away.

The Nina Hartley Series AKA “I respect that they’ve made it this far and I’ll watch if nothing else is on, but only if nothing else is one” – Cardinals vs. Phillies
Tony LaRussa is an asshole. Just once I want to see what his ears look like. I guarantee that they’re creepy as fuck. This one won’t take long. Phillies in 3.

The Gracie Glam Series AKA “This is fairly intriguing to me as both teams are fun to watch and could be the future of the industry with some saavy business decisions” – Diamondbacks vs. Brewers
This could be pretty damn fun as long as neither team plays scared and nervous. Gallardo/Greinke and Kennedy/Hudson is pretty much a wash to me. Damn, I kind of think that the D-Backs are going to advance here, but I sort of picked the Brewers to win the NL. I’ll take Milwaukee in 5 with the home teams winning every game.

The Eva Angelina Series AKA “I’ve seen this before…I’ve liked it before…I will watch it…but it’s still old hat by now. I feel like I know these teams TOO well much like I know Eva’s soiled spectacles” – Rays vs. Rangers
I thought that this was going to be a great series last year and it was putrid. Texas is hot as shit right now but so are the Rays. If the Rays were smart, they would start Matt Moore in game 1 instead of Jeff Niemann or Wade Davis. Who knows, by the time this posts, Maddon may have announced this anyway. I will never ever admit that Texas has good starting pitching. Revenge time…Rays in 4

The Amy Reid Series AKA “The only series that truly matters due to its sexiness and killer body” – Tigers vs. Yankees
OK. I am of the belief that every time I open my mouth and start talking shit, those same damn words get shoved back in my face. So I’m not going to do it. I'm so serious about this that I'm not even going to take any shots at your game 1 starter!  I’ve said a bunch of times before that I was hoping that we would draw Texas. Now that that is not an option, maybe it isn’t such a bad thing. Most teams don’t have success pitching in Yankee Stadium against our lefty-heavy lineup with only RHP. This sort of makes us a bad matchup for Detroit if you think about it. Here are a couple other things that I’m looking for in this series:
1. The Yankees will not let Miguel Cabrera beat them. This I am sure. Someone else is going to have to do it.
2. The world will hopefully be introduced to Jesus Montero in this series. The ball jumps off this 21 year old’s bat just like it does for Cabrera. He’s going to be a good stick in the bigs, I just hope that Girardi plays him in every game.
3. Speaking of which, Joe Girardi will do at least 2 or 3 stupid things. But you already knew that.
4. After the aces, both pitching staffs are totally question marks. Girardi has announced that he is going with a 3 man rotation for this series (GOOD ANSWER, Unfrozen Caveman Manager!). While I don’t know what to expect from Nova, Fister, and Scherzer on such a large stage, I’m pretty confident that Freddy Garcia will give a quality start just based on experience.
5. Game 1 is ridiculously important. Whoever wins tonight, IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, has about a 90-95% chance to win this series
6. REVENGE.
Sorry, but I’m not making a prediction here. I feel better about this series than I did a week ago. I’d say that I’m 55% certain that we advance to the ALCS. Like I said though, whoever loses tonight is fucked.

UPDATE:  God-fucking-dammit!  Dumbass Girardi has announced that none other than Jorgible Posada will DH this series instead of better options like Montero, Chavez, and Andruw Jones.  Nobody hits flamethrowers better than a guy with gray hair apparently.  This is so stupid.  FIRE GIRARDI!  Tigers in 1 is my new prediction.

We better win. The Tigers deserve some payback for how they and their fans embarrassed the game 5 years ago after the Division Series. No one wants to see that shit again. NO ONE! Happy Birfday to me and GO YANKEES!!!

35 comments:

Grumpy said...

Happy Birthday dude. Any post with Nina Hartley is a winner. She's about my age.

MuDawgfan said...

Happy Birthday!
Are you at least going out for a Birthday dinner or is She$ going to cook you your favorite meal?

GMoney said...

Well, Dawg, thanks for asking. I've always wanted to try shepherd's pie (as I said in the open) but She$ won't make it for some reason so we're going out tonight. Before the football game tomorrow, BAGEL & DELI motherfucker! And then as long as the Yankees aren't at risk of going 0-2 tomorrow night, beers with the fellas tomorrow. No Four Loko there. Good God, no Four Loko.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birfday to you.

I'm off of work today...I want to start pre-gaming for the Tigers/Yankees game right now...but I think I should wait until at least lunch for that first beer.

Where are you going for your first Shepherd's Pie? I would assume you investigated this thoroughly.

I love Amy Reid.

Predictions...

Phils in 4
Brewers in 3
Rangers in 5
Tigers in 5

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday buddy. Cheers to the Browns being 3-1 going into our bye week.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Ill meet up with you for drinks tomorrow. Then let you buy me drinks with my fantasy baseball earnings. Happy birthday scumbag!

Ide

GMoney said...

Some place in Westerville, Drew. The missus researched it, I guess.

Ide, I already told you that I'm not paying you in anything but nut taps.

Seal, seriously, how in the hell did the Browns get that schedule. Mike Holmgren must give great head.

Anonymous said...

Teams have tried to not let Miggy beat them all year long. Every time they pitch around him, Victor comes through with a huge hit. Pick your poison!

Leyland says he's going with a 4 man rotation. I don't understand his logic, but whatever. Hopefully he only needs 3!

I can't fucking wait for these games. Playoff baseball is goddamn amazing when your team is in it.

How am I supposed to get any work done today with this anticipation!?

Dut

MuDawgfan said...

Damn! Bagel and Deli eh?

You'll be diggin' into a Cool Jules like a mutha fucka tomorrow.

I'll be up there next Friday for a college recruiting trip. I plan to get at least 8 parking tickets and wipe my ass with all of them.

Anonymous said...

That series better go at least 4 games, I have game 4 playoff tickets.

NW

GMoney said...

I don't really understand where all this pro-Tigers confidence is coming from. Like it's just a formality that they are going to steamroll through New York. Maybe they will, I don't know, but I laugh at people who say that Doug Fister is good.

Yeah, Dut, Leyland going with a 4 man seems questionable since the Yankees rock Porcello every time they face him.

Anonymous said...

Its easier to grasp when you realize half the staff is paid with Basic 100s.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Doug Fister is indeed good. Stats don't lie brah.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Fister has been awesome for the Tigers. His 2.83 season ERA makes me kind of agree with you that he sucks....

Dut

GMoney said...

I plan on pounding a gallon of Swanson Family Corn Liquor tonight.

Hump Day, am I right?
What?

Prime99 said...

Happy birthday, G$. May the Yanks win Game 1 for you.

Baseball really fucked me this year.

Anonymous said...

NW, are you a big Tigers fan now or something? You seem to be awfully into this series. I guess since you can't name 1 player on the Dodgers, you just decided to be a fake fan of another team.

GO YANKS!!!

-Damman

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna go out to lunch at 1 and that's when my pregame drinking shall begin for tonight's game. Bout to get buck in here.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Daman you are a fuckhead, I still like the Dodgers even thou they suck assgole this year. I am taking my old man to the game and he is a huge Tigers fan. Why not go and cheer the Tigers on when the Dodgers are sucking asshole this year.

NW

Anonymous said...

Kemp, Kershaw,Loney I know enough players on th team, I am sorry that I dont know all the players on my shitty team like Indians do.

NW

The Iceman said...

"Hump Day, am I right?
What?"

This made my day. Swanson sans moustache was absolutely hilarious. And Ron's mom is quite the gem.

"Why do you have a room with nothing but guns?"

"This is America, ain't it? So that means I don't have to answer stupid questions."

Colon Cowturd picked the Yanks...so naturally that means the Tigers will advance.

Justn Verlander said...

When we beat the Yankees in this series, I'm gonna celebrate by dumping Franzia on everyone. Nothin but the good stuff...

Anonymous said...

"Why not cheer on the Tigers"

Congrats, NW, you win the award for most ridiculous question ever asked on this site.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Also, NW, I have known you for 30 years and I never knew KGB was a Tiger fan so I apologize.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Daman,

His old man grew up a block away from old tigers stadium. I got him an AL kaline autograph ball last year.

NW

GMoney said...

Went to Jason's for lunch and had a New York Yankee (corned beef and pastrami). It was tremendous. That's got to be a good sign. They don't have a Detroit Tiger. Probably because there is such a low demand for fried bologna on white bread.

DAMMAN IS AN ASSGOLE!

Iceman, the way that Jerry/Peter King said "what" just killed me. And only a true man like Ronald would have safes full of fake gold.

NW, good luck at a possible game 4. My old man is in NYC for the first two games.

By the way, not to get all Cowherd here, but the ratings for the postseason are going to be awful.

Anonymous said...

"They don't have a Detroit Tiger. Probably because there is such a low demand for fried bologna on white bread."

I don't know why, but I thought this was funny enough to totes "lol".

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

Fuck! I can't believe I never saw the Jerry/Peter King similarities before. Good call. Swanson killed it in this episode.

"We use it to burn the warts off of the mules. It's only legal use is to strip the varnish off of speed boats."

It's fried bologna, crushed Ruffles and mayonnaise on white Hillbilly bread. Get it right.

Anonymous said...

Time to finally actually start caring about baseball!

GO TIGERS!!!!!

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

"That is a gentleman's agreement. I made him a dinner table in exchange for 60 ft of copper wire and a half pig."

Ide

The Iceman said...

^ Outstanding.

Anonymous said...

I bet the New York Yankee sandwich was over-priced and very un-satisfying at the end.......kind of like Iceman's hooker Mom.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew- you forgot to mention that it stinks like shit and is filled with Jews!

Dut

The Iceman said...

Mom jokes. ZING!

GMoney said...

Corned beef and pastrami...ELITE!!!