Tuesday, September 13, 2011

And On the 8th Day...God Created The Iceman

"You're just a notch in my bedpost of disappointment, MuDawgfan."



Week two of college football in the books, buttscabs and penis wrinkles. And lucky for all you fucks, you get to hear from me on the day I emerged from my mothers birth canal. It is indeed the Iceman's birthday today and I will celebrate by shoving as much cake and ice cream into my gullet as humanly possible. It's gonna be a baked goods bukkake gang bang. But before I give myself diabetes from sugar overload, let's get to some college football awards from a pretty exciting Saturday.

Pussy Magnet award - Marcus Lattimore (South Carolina)


I was torn here at first and heavily considered Denard Robinson for his 4th quarter heroics against the catholic pedophiles. But then I remembered that Denard looked like a drunk, one legged Thai prostitute running that offense for two and a half quarters. Someone who only dominates a third of the game doesn't deserve this prestigious award. So I give it to Mr. Lattimore who was impressive almost throughout. He only had one score, but when SC needed a play, Lattimore delivered. When they needed a first down to ice the game, Lattimore churned his fat little thighs to glory. He was a big reason the Cocks stormed into Athens to steal a road game in the always tough SEC. And Stephen Garcia owes him a hand job.


Colostomy Bag award - Garrett Gilbert (Texas)


I didn't get a chance to watch any of this game, but all I need to know is that Gilbert was pulled for Case McCoy who had to orchestrate a come from behind win against the God people of BYU. If getting benched for ol' Doe Eyes, Jr. wasn't humiliating enough, Mack Daddy Brown really rammed the fucking stick home when he decided to throw a Freshman in there as well. Just a little something extra to show you exactly how worthless you really are. I wouldn't be surprised if Gilbert hanged himself after the game with his mother's stripping thong. Mainly, I guess I'm just pissed at Gilbert for handing announcers Homofest 2.o on a platter. I can't fuckin wait for the commentators to ear blast us about how Case McCoy and Jaxon Shipley wash each other's privates post game in the team locker room the way their older brothers Colt and Jordan used to. Did Colt and Jordan ceremoniously pass down the studded double sided dildo to their younger brothers? We can only wonder.


I Guess You're Okay award - Casey Pachall (TCU)

I don't know why, but I really like this guy. He's got tats, looks like he's trying for white guy surfer hair and he doesn't catch on fire and blow up like a vampire hitting the sun unlike his albino predecessor Ginger Dalton. I bet he calls his dick "The Horned Frog" when trying to get laid at house parties. He just comes off as a super cool dude I would want to get drunk with. I fully believe he encourages tomfoolery and fucks with people that pass out early like bitches. And that's mainly why I like him. Oh yeah...and he's not a bad quarterback either.


I Bet You're a Sex Offender award - Michael Floyd (Notre Dame)


I hate everything about this guy. Two years in a row I've had to watch him assault Michigan's secondary all while being a major cockface about it. He's a walking hemorrhoid. I can't wait for some schmuck NFL owner to draft this guy in the top 10 next year only to cut his ass 3 years and 35 catches later. Because you know this dick rash is leaving after this season. Who wants to stick around to watch Brian Kelly murder some no-name Freshman with a yard maker next year? Notre Dame WRs and QBs are all in the same class...massively overrated and NFL busts waiting to happen. When was the last time any catholic baby raper WR made an impact at the next level? Fuckin Tim Brown? In a few years Floyd can join his life partner Golden Taint in the unemployment line jockeying for position with crack heads. They can suck each other's dicks for nutrition while they wait for a check from the Government. Go get another DUI, you vagina blister.


For Realsies award - Wisconsin


I'm fuckin buying big time. Bringing Russell Wilson into that environment and that offense is like traveling back 150 years and bringing Uzis, tanks and assault rifles into the Civil War battlefields unexpectedly. People don't know how the fuck to react. Cry, run, scream, shit, swear, laugh, pray? It's a potpourri of emotion right now. Wisconsin has been "married for 40 years missionary sex" on offense since the beginning of time and bringing a black, athletic quarterback shows they're ready to get with the now and remove the segregated bathrooms on campus in Madison. I know they haven't really played anyone yet but blanking a shitty PAC-12 team is way more impressive than shutting out an average Sun Belt team. I would not be shocked to see the Badgers playing for the title this year.


This Is My Shocked Face award - Virginia Tech


I know. They won. But should they have? I say nay. Rubberface Beamer needed a touchdown late in the 4th quarter to put away a God awful East Carolina team. As a "national title contender" that performance was more pathetic than that neck skin patch job Beamer's surgeon is passing off as grade A work. Looks like someone used fabric from a bean bag chair. Or a truck driver butt cheek skin. Now, I just looked at V-Tech's schedule for the remainder of the year and it is filled with some shit bombs. I think Wake Forest actually starts two guys that died last year. Having said that, I fully believe the Hoakies will drop at least 2 games this year. To whom remains a mystery but I know it won't be a home game since V-Tech is one of the best at home in all of college football. So that leaves Marshall, Wake Forest, Duke, Georgia Tech and Virginia. My hunch says Duke and the Jackets.


Tons of great games and nailbiters for a lot of the teams the commenter's follow this week (OSU, Michigan, Georgia). This is why we love college football. Some of us are relieved and live to fight another day and some of us have voodoo dolls of Mark Richt with 30 pins stuck where his dick hole would be. My personal apology goes out to MuDawgfan for giving your Dawgs the kiss of death this week. But buck up there chap, there's no way Richt keeps his job after this year. Like Larry Johnson's girlfriend, just take a few more solid licks and wait for the authorities to show up to lock his ass up forever. /rubs MuDawgfan's hair. Shhhhhhhhh.....Shhhhhhhhh......it's gonna be okay. He can't hurt you anymore.

26 comments:

GMoney said...

Did you really not mention that OSU/UT game? Oh well, it's not like these mouthbreathers will be able to resist anyway.

Dumbest line of the week was when Herbie and Brent kept saying that Denard was purposely underthrowing receivers. No. No he wasn't. He just can't pass.

Starting the new job today which means training. Not sure when I'll be able to check in on everyone so behave yourselves.

The Iceman said...

I don't have to post anything about OSU in order for it to be talked about in the comments. I could talk about the war conflict in Darfur and somehow Eric Page being unguardable will come up. See?

Grumpy said...

Iceman, you brought your A+ game today. Ace was not only replaceable, but clearly expendable.

G$ got promoted. The Peter Principle at its' finest.

Grumpy said...

Oh, and Happy Birthday, although I'm not sure your birth is a reason to celebrate.

And G$ was correct, Ray Rice's 30 pts. would have won me the game. Lesson learned. Damman will pay this week.

Anonymous said...

What's there to talk about G$? The fact that if the future MAC Champs can't come into the Shoe and play OSU's B team and come out with a win taht no MAC team ever will? I guess that's worth talking about.

I really hope ND loses to MSU this weekend so they can start off 0-3. Anybody taht voted them preseason top 25 should never be allowed to vote again.

Lattimore was a good pick for whatever that positive award you gave him was...but, I think Jadveon Clowney would have been better. That kid is the real fucking deal.

I don't like Michael Floyd either.

Grumpy...the Iceman's birthday is definitely something that should be not be celebrated. If anything we should be pouring some booze out tonight in honor/mourning of the brain cells that we have lost over the years reading his comments.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I appreciate the kind words, Grumpy. You and I have come a long way. And I'm choosing to ignore the backhanded birthday comment.

It's my dream that Notre Dame loses every game this year.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go wait in line for the BMV to probe my rectum. Happy Birthday! Now give us $65 and go away.

Mr. Ace said...

Toledo is better than the Fuckeyes. I saw it with my own eyes. If the officials wouldn't have been protecting the Fuckeyes the entire game then Toledo wins by 14. Not even joking. The Fuckeyes o line and d line are terrible. Stoneburner is the only playmaker. Toledo is the best team in Ohio.

Still feeling a little Denarded from Saturday night.

Dut got a handjob on the dance floor in front of me. Great times.

Anonymous said...

Drew,

Being an OSU fan and also having ties to THE GREAT UNIVERSITY of TOLEDO (watch out boise), you need to realize that OSU is in big trouble this year. Yeah I know they are missing players, but still they looked like shit. I don't know if Fickell was just not playing B. Miller to not show him to any big ten squads but why is Bauserman in that whole game. He looked absolutely terrible as well as the O-line. Toledo only has one player on offense and that is Eric Page (ELITE) and still he could not be stopped. This is going to be a long year for OSU unless they can figure things out quick. Not to mention the fact the refs made a couple of questionable calls that hurt the Rockets.

Grumpy,
If I would have seen you were not starting Ray Rice I would have emailed you or had someone call you. Hopefully, that one game does not keep you out of the playoffs. Isn't FF tits?

My MSFL team sucks but all of you were wrong about Reggie Bush (Just admit it). Matt Schaub sucks balls.

----Lange

Anonymous said...

Toledo outplayed OSU.. But guess what! OSU won. Suck it. Also, Toledo is not better than Ohio State. Toledo is, however, better than Michigan. I think they proved that 2 years ago.

Denard Robinson is bad. I can't wait to see him throw all those jump balls vs OSU.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Ace- stop playing the "if" game. If Toledo doesn't block a punt and get a long td on a screen pass they get blown out. See how easy that is? What this boils down to is Toledo is a good MAC team, and OSU is down this year. That's what you saw Saturday. Now bring me Urban Meyer.

Dut

Anonymous said...

ND outplayed Michigan.. But guess what! Michgan won. Suck it. Also, Toledo is not better than Michgan. Toledo is, however, better than OSU. I think they proved that this year.

Bauserman is bad. I can't wait to see him throw all those jump balls vs Michgan.

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

J Saul- please elaborate on how Toledo is better than OSU?

Anonymous said...

Dut...what about IF Stoney doesn't drop the fourth down ball where he could have almost ran into the end zone...or IF Rod Smith didn't fumble.

We aren't down much at all this year...we are down right now. We played that game without 7 suspended players (5 of them starters), Nate Williams our best DE didn't even suit up due to injury, best WR got carted off with a sprained ankle and best DT John Simon missed a large portion with cramps. Toledo looked forward all summer to that game...we show up with a B team and they STILL can't win. The Bucks just need to survive until these guys get back. The offense is going to look completely different when Posey, Adams, Herron and Hall are allowed to play.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

They aren't better than OSU, but they aren't better than Michigan either!!!!!!

Michigan has the schedule to be 10-0 going into Nebraska, unfortunately they don't look as good as they advertised. Hopefully they get better as each game goes on. New coach, new O, takes some time. Probably the same thing OSU is experiencing with a new coach and their B team. Too early to make brash assumptions.

DeNard wasn't purposely throwing the balls behind his WR's, he was just purposely throwing up Jump Balls because it was working. Which doesn't make it any better haha.
Go Blue!

Also, why doesn't Miss St throw the ball with 10 seconds left and then try for the option. The coached shit his pants calling a time out and got 3 more seconds back on the clock, and then pisses it away. Terrible loss to Auburn.

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

Ohio State played terrible and I admitedly thought OSU was going to lose to UT. However, Ohio State did have its B team in there with a shit ton of starters out. If there were a time for a MAC team to beat OSU, it would have been last Saturday. OSU came out flat and Toledo came out for a game they had been preparing for since last spring. With that being said, OSU still won and is still unbeaten. Nevertheless, OSU is in deep shit until Posey, Adams, and Herron get back. You cannot deny the fact that getting three All Big-10 players back to OSU's offense will make a huge difference. I just hope its not too late.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Ice, ECU isn't garbage. They put back to back scares into Spurrier and Beamer.

Rod Smith should not see the field unless its a blowout ever again.

John Simon takes steroids.

Injuries are an excuse. Suspensions can not be one. You are five points better than the best team in the MAC west. Fact.

Jerry Kill is so scared of the Hawks this weekend that he's SHAKING.

--$

Anonymous said...

Michigan will not be starting out 10-0...mark my words.

@Northwestern = L
@Michigan State = L
@Iowa = L
@Illinois = L

6-4 start at BEST!

Your staring at a .500 season losers

Anonymous said...

Thanks for you Anonymous opinions fuck face.

I said COULD with that schedule, not WOULD. If they keep playing the way they did against ND, there's no doubt they won't. But the schedule is as such, that they COULD.

Big Ten Blows this year!

- J Saul

The Iceman said...

Who gives a fuck about excuses why your team played bad or all the "ifs" being chucked around? Just face it OSU/Michigan fans, neither OSU or Michigan have looked impressive and neither are top 10 teams this year. Maybe not even top 15. Wisconsin is going to hate fuck everyone in its path and probably won't lose a game.

Anonymous said...

Fuck you and a .500 season michigan has at least 8 wins in them and how is it that Toledo only has one good player and OSU still could not stop him. That is a bad defense.

NW

Anonymous said...

For once, I can agree with Iceman. Nobody expected anything great from UM. So far, aside from one quarter, the Worlverines have not provided much to talk about. The same goes for Ohio State. Most outside of OSU fans did not expect much. Ohio State grinded its way to a 42-0 victory against one of the worst teams in the country and only managed to beat the MAC's best by 5. OSU will be a markedly better team when it gets its players back, but right now I see 8-4 or 9-3. Wisconsin will go 10-2 at worst, but does have a chance to go unbeaten.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

NW- did you graduate middle school? What the fuck kind of sentence was that?

Dut

Anonymous said...

My new office building is short on decent-looking trim but the shitters are goddamn immaculate! A good stall is hard to find.

--$

Anonymous said...

My office building currently has snipers on top of the roof because it's a block away from Rickenbacker Airport where the President just landed. I may hand deliver a threatening note with G$'s real name under the signature.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Hopefully the snipers "miss" and kill Iceman.

Dut

The Iceman said...

They won't touch me because those snipers are NOT elite.