Friday, September 23, 2011

Ain't Nothin' We Can Do About This Post

I know what you all are thinking: “God, this guy sure does hate a lot of people” and “When is he going to talk about his high school football exploits again”. Well, what if I wrote up a post that answered both of your questions? Here we go.

Like most people, I don’t hate as many people as I say that I do. Papelbon. Russell Brand. Adrian Grenier. LeBron James. I’m sure that there are a few that I’m missing but my point is that the number is a lot smaller than I portray it to be. Ironically, I can’t think of anyone that I’ve met (other than Ide) that I truly despised so much that I hated them. Except for one person. Today, you will read about him. I’m even breaking my only rule for this site of not identifying people with his stupid face leading off this post although it's blurry, sorry, but you can tell that he's an asshole). I will open this post the same way that I plan on closing it…Fuck You, Cullen.

It’s the summer of 1996 and I’m getting ready to take part in my first season of varsity high school football (as a sophomore). Since my classmates and I were the low men on the totem pole, it was best to not draw attention to yourself. Just get your lifting done and get the hell out of there before the Seniors made an example out of you. The team was intact heading into two-a-days yet there was a new guy who showed up on that first two-a-day who did not take part in any summer lifting or “victory camp” (don’t even get me started on how much those three days blew). That would be Cullen.

I’ll freely admit that the first impression of Cullen was terrifying. He looked like he was chiseled by the damn Gods. Cut from head to toe, he painted a fairly intimidating picture. Word traveled quickly to us peon underclassmen that he spent the summer at some sort of military camp or school. Well, that explained why he was in sick shape. It didn’t explain his bizarre mental state.

Something was definitely “off” with Cullen. By that, I mean that he was a fucking lunatic. I don’t know if he was always like that or if it was the mass quantities of steroids that he was surely injecting himself with, but the guy was chemically imbalanced to the EXXXTREME! Example time! Instead of taking breaks on the sidelines in between plays or drills, he would do push-ups! It was 100 degrees, too! No sane person does this! At this point, everybody rightfully started laughing at him behind his back. What a fucktard! But while it was all fun and games to snicker at his douchelordiness, no one wanted to be the reason to get him to snap.

Cullen broke his hand during a game early in the season. I should have enjoyed it at the time more than I did. He had to play the rest of the season with one of those giant clubs of tape and padding. Those things are never not funny. Wait, I can’t believe that I haven’t mentioned this yet. Cullen was a TERRIBLE linebacker. He had the muscles and the insanity to be a white James Harrison, but he had the athleticism of a special needs child (no offense). So it made him even more of a joke to watch him act like some Linebacking God when we all saw that he got trucked every other play and teams ran right at him on purpose. And, you know, his club.

I mentioned it last Friday (and I knew that only Buke would get it) but Cullen used to randomly (but often) scream “AIN’T-NOTHIN’-WE-CAN-DO-ABOUT-THIS-TIME”! I never figured out what the hell he was talking about or what it meant or if anyone on the team knew what the hell he meant, but either way, it was annoying and stupid. Seriously, what could that dumb phrase possibly mean? He screamed it in the locker room and on the field and probably while he was getting buggered in one of NW’s interracial bukkake gay pornos.

I hope I painted a decent picture for why Cullen is a turd sandwich. Now would be a pretty good time to explain why I hate him and hope that he drowns in a lake of fire and my own diarrhea, right? No problem. Obviously, at some point, I managed to find myself the target of Cullen’s deranged assaults. Dickhead McGee had an annoying habit to say the word “harsh” after every little thing. Some punk underclassmen gets water sprayed down their back? HARSH! Someone makes a nice tackle? HARSH! Cullen flunks 2nd grade phonics class as an 18 year old? HARSH! No one on the planet has said a word more than Cullen said “harsh”. He said it more than Lou Holtz spits.

He was dating (raping?) a girl in my class during the year in question. At some point, I had started saying “harsh” all the time as a means to make fun of him behind his back. Well, (we’ll call her Jenny since that was her name) Jenny told Cullen about my usage of HIS word. He was not pleased. All of a sudden, I was now the target of his pent up roid rage. I managed to keep a low profile for half of the season but now I was public enemy #1. This was not good. Cheap shots while I was on scout team, insults, and hazing became daily occurrences. And all that I could do was take it. It wasn’t like I had the capability to kick his ass and I’ll be damned if I was going to be a narc. So Cullen would get his jollies knocking me around the practice field for the rest of the season. Needless to say, I was pretty pumped after our last game ended and I was done with him. Or so I thought.

During basketball season, we would play euchre games after school down in the locker room. Buke and I used to run that shit. So one day, we dispatch with some foes and who shows up to call winners: Cullen and his even more juiced up buddy, Dave. The stakes were quite small. I think it was like a buck a game played to ten. Now they were BLATANTLY cheating because they could yet somehow we beat them. They must have totally sucked at stacking the deck, I guess. I think Dave paid Buke which left Cullen being in debt to me. Huge mistake. Instead of getting a dollar for my superior card play, he gave me a right cross to the jaw. Classy move. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt, I didn’t go down (which still surprises me to this day) and I didn’t say a word. They just got up and left. Apparently, that was how we were going to end our relationship; with him sucker punching me in the face over 20 nickels.

That was my last run-in with Cullen and that was 15 years ago. I still hate him to this day. I mean, I fucking LOATHE him. If he was dead, I would piss on his grave. If he was in prison (where he belongs), I would pay someone to shank him in the shower while he was sucking multiple cocks. I don’t really know what I would do if I ever saw him again. I’d probably just call him a fag, demand that he pay me my dollar PLUS interest, and then reimburse him for the sucker punch he gave me. Man that would be a sweet feeling.

In conclusion, Fuck You, Cullen. I hope that all the bad things in the world happen to you and you alone.

30 comments:

Grumpy said...

I am going to make it my purpose in life to find this asshole. The Money Shot regulars can unite in seeing that he gets his.

GMoney said...

I did some digging. He lives in Defiance and works in Toledo. He has weekly sexual exploits with Naptown Wolverine.

And while not a clear LinkedIn picture, you can just tell that that bald asshole sucks.

MuDawgfan said...

Damn - I thought you were going to say he died at the hands of Dune Coons in Afghanistan. Would have been a much more fitting ending for such a prick.

Lotta shitheads like him on the baseball team in my highschool. Now they're working at Car dealerships, bragging about how much money they have and complaining that nobody puts down the squeeze play anymore.

If I had to bet, I would wager that Cullen is in some type of low end sales job and has jumped around a bit in his career. Incompetant ass.

Anonymous said...

What does he do for a living?

Could you get his address? I'd love to order a few Tuscani Pasta trays from Pizza Hut and have them delivered to his place of residence.

Was Jenny hot?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Unfortunately, it appears that he is some sort of engineer now. That really hurts. I so wanted him to be a sex slave or something else humiliating.

Jenny is a cute girl. Dut to alphabetical order, we used to sit next to each other in every class we had together. In fact, I saw her at a wedding last year and she apologized to me over and over for being such a bitch in high school. I appreciated that. Then I kicked her in the box.

By the way, consider this my contribution to the current anti-bullying campaign that is sweeping the nation. People don't forget.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could have seen you get hit, it would have been hilarious. Sort of like the damman, richards fight. I believe I still wanted to see you dead back than.

NW

Mr. Ace said...

I don't know this sullen character but i do know Dave...and he is/was one crazy bastard.

I don't have any hatred like that toward anyone from high school. Although going back to Club Ricks always sparks some memories of serious doucher bags...like Big fat Babcock and Wacky Jacky and his hoe train.

GMoney said...

I've been suckerpunched twice in my life (by guys way tougher than me) and didn't go down either time while barely flinching. Now I've never been in a real fight before, but am I secretly a badass? I'm pretty sure that I am.

That's it, I am officially announcing that I will be joining UFC and utilizing the Homer Simpson strategy of just letting guys punch me in the face until they get tired and then I just push them over. That's a winning strategy.

I'm a hungry fighter. In fact, I'm fighting for a sandwich.

Anonymous said...

Well, at least it sounds like Jenny didn't end up marrying him.

You really should get his address so we can have pasta/pizzas delivered to him.

Nobody that screams out harsh all the time is smart enough to be an engineer...I call bull-shit on that.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

So you got punched in the face and just walked away? F'n pussy!

Somehow I've only managed to get punched once in my life, and the big mexican missed and hit the side of my head. He then ran away from me because he saw the crazy look in my eye (and my phone that was dialing 911). What a pussy!

Dut

The Iceman said...

Cullen was king of the fucks. His problem was he was trying to emulate his idol, Behnfeldt...another supreme fuck who would make himself puke before games in an attempt to show people how much he cared about football.

You left out the best part about Cullen, G$...the fact that he was kicked off the team his senior year for buying cigs in a gas station while wearing his football jersey. Brilliant.

I think I know what Jenny you're talking about. Does she work at a dentist office in Toledo now? If it is, I can't believe she let Cullen ruin her vagina like that.

Anonymous said...

The whole hazing thing really curbed off after your guys classes. They always made sure there was a coach outside before practice started. And there were always coaches floating around the locker room especially since they had an office in there.

But, sounds like you really pussed out man.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

So you got punched in the face and just walked away?

--No. I just sat there until he walked away. Dude would have MURDERED me if I "stepped up".

You left out the best part about Cullen, G$...the fact that he was kicked off the team his senior year for buying cigs in a gas station while wearing his football jersey. Brilliant.

--I forgot about that! That would have been a great addition to the story. I can always count on you, Iceman.

I think I know what Jenny you're talking about. Does she work at a dentist office in Toledo now? If it is, I can't believe she let Cullen ruin her vagina like that.

--I believe that that would be the one.

HARSH!!!

GMoney said...

Grump, you going to Ox tomorrow? Dare I stop by your tailgreat on my way down to Yager Stadium? Beat BGStd!

Anonymous said...

"I can always count on you, Iceman"

Is there some type of blogmance or bromance going on here? You two ferries are scaring me.

LET'S GO FALCONS!!

Dut

Anonymous said...

Dut,

I have a feeling I would laugh my ass off at your crazy look. You probably looked like a little school girl crying.

NW

Grumpy said...

I'll be there with The Big Guy in tow. He has to meet you. I'll email my phone #; call me when you're there and we'll meet. We should be there by about 11:30.

The Iceman said...

Cullen really was the worst linebacker ever. That's probably why Fruth (Sophomore) started over him. That combined with the fact that Fruth was a God damn terror at LB.

Jenny works at the dentist office I go to. I'll have to remember to remind her of such a poor life decision next time I'm in there.

It took me until just now to realize what "Dave" you were taking about. That Dave was responisble for filling Casteel and Dewitt's mouthguards up with mud like it was a fucking mouth mold and forcing them to cram it home. One of the best hazing things I witnessed.

Anonymous said...

Wait.. People actually attend Miami football games?

MuDawgfan said...

I'm a hungry fighter. In fact, I'm fighting for a sandwich.

Throw a Simpson's quote out there and you get bolded by MUDawgfan. Bam.

This post was pretty great, but the one about 7th/8th grade baskeball still is #1 in my book. Needs to be reposted.

There was another post about some fucker that played football with you guys and you teased the hell out of him.

Later on you found him on Facebook and his "likes" were all pornstars. That one deserves a re-post too,

Prime99 said...

HARSH!

This guy sounds awful. Reminded me of getting bullied by my neighbor and "family friend" back in Ohio. He actually DID end up in jail, so I did end up with cosmic revenge, I guess.

The Iceman said...

There was another post about some fucker that played football with you guys and you teased the hell out of him.

The immortal Stackdaddy. He also likes black chicks.

Anonymous said...

Liking black girls is not ok.

Ide

GMoney said...

Dawg, both of those posts were classic.

Iceman is right, the Hastings post might have gotten me the most positive reactions and kudos over anything else that I've written.

The basketball post was highlighted by Rex shooting a half courter with a minute left in the quarter because he only saw the :01 on the scoreboard when there was actually 1:01 left. One of the best shots I've ever seen.

For all of you who still want to call me a gash over my Gandhi-esque no reaction, let me clarify. You know how in the old West, drunk prospecters pissed away a week's worth of income over card games. And many times, the table ended up getting flipped and dude's got shot. Over poker. They did this when they lost a small fortune at the table.

I got punched in the mug OVER A DOLLAR BILL. I could understand if he owed me a grand or something, but we're talking about TEN DIMES.

Grump, I'll be down there before 11 to tailgreat with my p's. We'll work something out.

Anon, according to the athletic department, they only had 2,000 tickets left (I highly doubt that this is accurate but whatever) on Tuesday. Clearly, people love MAC football.

GMoney said...

Ide, I have no idea what you're talking about because I don't see anywhere in this post where black chicks are mentioned. But if loving Serena Williams is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Anonymous said...

LET'S GO FIND THIS CULLEN FUCK...BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM...THEN DOUSE ONE DOLLAR BILLS WITH GASOLINE WHILE THROWING THEM ON HIM AND LIGHT HIM ON FIRE.

MONEY SHOT MAFIA UNITE!

--DREW

The Iceman said...

G$, this is what I wrote...

The immortal Stackdaddy. He also likes black chicks.

And thus you have Ide's response.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, its literally the sentence before my comment. Serena Willaims? Do you have a fetish for women that have larger dicks than you?

Ide

GMoney said...

Drew, "Cullen" is not former Browns OT and Flag to the Eye magnet, Orlando Brown. His blood is on your hands!!! But I appreciate you murdering people to protect my good name and reputation though. Get Ide next.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what Jenny finds to be more vile.

The memory of Cullen's retarde ass barking out "Harsh" while being on top of her and inside of her.

Or

The thought that she spends her days starting at the face/digging into the mouth of people like Iceman.

Tough call.

--Drew