Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Who Can Stop the Heagles?

(I thought for sure he would throw out his arm on the 3rd pitch)

Douche Lord of the Week: It has to be Dut for moving the DFL draft in favor of untying Carl Edwards balloon knot. And then possibly moving it again. And then roofying me Saturday night. Please take the time to enjoy the new site banner. But seriously, when is the fucking DFL draft? Sunday drafts are for fags.

Can't Stop, Won't Stop. The Eagles have fucking dominated this off-season. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? We have removed Dan Snyder's crown as off-season champion, although I am sure he will regain it next year when he signs (enter washed up horrible human being here) to a 5/$70 mil contract...Reggie Wayne?

Also, call me ACEtradamus. In the comments on July 26th, this is what I had to say:
Obvs the Eagles trade Kolb for Rodgers-Cromartie and a draft pick. DRC is Asante 2.0. I think the Eagles will make a run at Nnamdi or Joseph either way. I just hope the Cowboys don't get him.

Eagles also need to get some Dline help.

I haven't heard any rumors or anything, but I wouldn't mind the Eagles taking a flyer on Vince Young and giving him a couple years to develop and see what happens.
And then we got Rodgers-Cromartie, Nnamdi Asomugha, Cullen Jenkins, Jason Babin, and, of course, Vince Young. Come to Mr. Ace for all your National Football League info, Shefter.

So who can stop the dream team? Who can possibly beat the Miami Heat of the NFL? The way I see it, the Heagles are the favorite to make it out of the NFC and into the Super Bowl. There are possibly three teams that are a threat to stopping the Heagles; Saints, Packers, and Falcons. I can't see anybody coming out of the West or the East that are even threatening Super Bowl contention this year...maybe the Rams...maybe Arizona with Kolb...nope, nobody.

Packers: A-Rodge still has the belt and deserves his respect. But the Packers have had to make a shit ton of moves and that will kill the chemistry of this team. They have made 50!!! transactions since July 25th, many of them involving contributors from last years Super Bowl team. No way all those transactions work out for the best. They have already lost three mainstays at the linebacker position (Poppinga, Chillar, and Barnett), cut Cullen Jenkins and Johnny Jolly(likely suspended anyways), and let go of Safety Atari Bigby. But most importantly, they are a pass first offense which will play right into the Heagles defensive strengths. But most most importantly, I will be forced to divorce Mrs. Ace if the fucking Packers win again.

Saints: Just like the Packers, the Saints are a pass first offense. And I don't care how terrible of a person Reggie Bush is, or how little Kardashian puss he is getting this year, his departure is going to hurt that offense. Mark Ingram is a fine running back, but they have nobody to fill Bush's shoes. They needed to upgrade at LB and DB this off-season, but have only added depth, not gotten better talent. No threat to the Heagles soon-to-be dynasty.

Falcons: That leaves the Falcons. The one team that I think is a true threat to the Heagles this year in the NFC. It totes has to do with their balance on offense. The Eagles lack size on the D-line and are starting a rookie, Casey Matthews, at Middle Linebacker. The Falcons are the kind of team that can take full advantage of this and force the Heagles to get more guys in the box and open up the play-action, which got a little more dangerous when they added Julio Jones on across from Rowdy Roddy White. The Heagles will be able to score on any team this year, but a balanced offense with a bruiser like Turner could be the Heagles kryptonite.

I'm fucking pumped for the NFL to start. The Heagles just keep on making moves. Ronnie Brown? Why the fuck not Ronnie Brown. We might have the best skill position players ever assembled on a single team. 19-0 here we come. Fly Eagles Fly.

Money Shot Fantasy League. Just an update. PAYPAL saw that my eloquent disclaimer was good enough to unlock my PAYPAL account. Good for them. Six people have paid, which means five of you degenerates still owe me some guap. Those degenerates would be Lange, JSaul, Wig Master, Ide, and Naptown Wolverine. Pay this man his money(KGB voice) or the Douche Lord of the Week is coming for you.

The divisions have been divided as such:
Fucktards: Ace, Iceman, Lil Strut, Prime, JSaul, and Lange
Douche Lords: G$, Damman, Naptown Wolverine, Wig Master, Ide, and Grumpy
If somebody has an argument as to why somebody should be moved I'm willing to listen. The draft is still set for August 30th at 8:00 PM because that seemed to work for everybody. Again, if something needs to be changed then let me know.


Grumpy said...

I need to change my decision to ever get involved with this group of degenerates.

Anonymous said...

Be careful. The crown of Offseason Champs is a heavy one.

I still don't get why they signed Nnamdi. Obvs he's awesome but you totes didn't need him. But then again, when you sign good players like Ronnie Brown and Ryan Harris for dirt cheap to fill needs, FUCK YOU!

You missed out on the biggest free agent though. No Rex Grossman for you! And that about guarantees no Terrelle Pryor for me!

Thanks for giving me the easiest division ever.


Anonymous said...

Well done on those comments Ace...well done.

I think the Lions could knock the Eagles out just because we have no idea how many QB lives Suh would end when thrown into a playoff game.


Mr. Ace said...

G$, you're right, that division is wizeak. Wig Master is consistently a bottom feeder in the JFL. Grump has no experience. NW is NW. I've only seen Ide draft, but somehow he did draft Hillis. But Damman is there to keep the division in check. I will take great pleasure in dominating the American League of the MSFL.

And yes, Championship.

Mr. Ace said...

Do you think anybody ever called Suh an Ndamukunt? If I were an opposing player I would to that all game until he crushed my larynx.

Anonymous said...

If he's white and good, im drafting him.


Anonymous said...

Looks like we've got a bidding war already for John Beck then, Ide!


Mr. Ace said...

It's too bad Daniel didn't join this league because three teams of all WASP's would have really put this league over the top.

Anonymous said...

Back to the Koy Detmers, I just like how one dipshit from Western Michigan is comparing his new team to the biggest failure in sports from the past year.

That's like saying, oh baby, were going to be a reincarnation of the RichRod Wolverines!!!

That being said, please don't embarrass my team twice.


The Iceman said...

I can't wait to spend your guy's money. It's not even gonna be on shit I need either. I might buy walmart spinners just to be an asshole. And so I can know what it's like to be white trash.

when was the last time the free agency winner won the super bowl?

Mr. Ace said...

There has to be a better comparison than the Heat. Maybe "we are like the '27 Yankees of the NFL." I wouldn't mind the dream team comparison if it wasn't Vince Young saying it. If he's getting $5.5 mil then he shouldn't be allowed to speak.

Iceman, you're asking the wrong question. When was the last time the Eagles were free agency winners? #mindblown #boom. And when I win I will buy you some Walmart spinners.

Anonymous said...

Ace...I'll take it one step further...what if somebody called him Nadumbkunt? I don't think it would be worth it on a football reason to enrage that beast.


Prime99 said...

You forgot to mention the NFC Championship hosting Chicago Bears! Did you hear that Martz is "giddy" with Jay Cutler's footwork?

As sarcastic as my first point was, it was fun watching the Bears shut down the dogkiller last year. Remember that?

I'm excited for this fantasy league. It's going to make House Party look like House Party 2.

Anonymous said...

I like the idea of the MSFL winner buying WalMart spinners for no reason at all.


The Iceman said... do you expect to win when matt cassel and brandon jacobs are gonna be your first two picks?

As long as I get walmart spinners I don't care who wins...

Anonymous said...

They don't make walmart spinners in 18s so im out. I will instead spend my money wisely by sending each one of you a glossy matte finish personalized signed photograph of my hairy taint.