Thursday, August 11, 2011

Well, Grossman Has Never Lied To Me Before

Proof that hazing will ALWAYS be hilarious.
I think that the best part about football being back (other than gambling and fantasy football--although Mr. Ape tells me that BetUS is being buttfuckers this year) is that it allows football players to give extremely dumb interviews. I was hoping to focus on that today as well as a few other things. Because when one of the greatest QBs in NFL history comes out and says that the Washington Redskins are going to win the NFC East, I just can't ignore that. That is huge fucking news that I was completely unaware of! Keep in mind that the Skins have not won the division since the year 2000 but somehow THIS team is going to get it done. Gotcha.

The Sex Cannon BELIEVES! - Don't get me wrong, obvs it's funny that someone as bad as Rex Grossman thinks that the Skins will win the East this year. I mean, that is REALLY funny (do yourself a favor and read this). But think about it, what else is he going to say? For that matter, why would anyone want The Cannon's opinion on anything? No one is going to just come out and say, "We're terrible and our motto for the year is 'Suck 4 Luck'". Let this be a lesson to all media people out there...Rex Grossman is interview gold! But, dammit, that sonofabitch is getting me sort of pumped for this year. I was at a firm 0% excitement level for Redskins football but I'm up to about 3% now just due to his prediction. They will need a ton of breaks just to win 6 games, BUT, 1. The defense has a chance to be sick if healthy. 2. Which is good because they can't allow their opponent to break double digits otherwise it's over. 3. Terrible teams surprise you all the time! Who saw Tampa and Kansas City winning ten games last year? NO ONE. So yes, I'll say it. I am THREE percent certain that the Redskins will win the NFC East this year. And that is better odds than I give the Cowboys.
One of the commenters at KSK said it best about ol' Rex Grossman, "I don’t think there’s ever been a greater terrible football player."  So fucking money.

Orton? Tebow? More like, Whogivesafuck. - Is there a more pointless quarterback "controversy" than this one? Dude, let Tebow start. That should be the ONLY solution to this. The Broncos are going to be terrible anyway. So what if they only win 4 games with The Jesusback. They would only win MAYBE 1 or 2 more with The Orton Express. There is a reason why Orton is going to leave via free agency next year and that's because he isn't the QB of the future and he sort of sucks. He's the ultimate "garbage time" quarterback who rarely does anything in the first half but will throw for 350 yards and 3 scores in the 4th when the Broncos are down by 35. You know who he is and what he can do. You might as well find out for sure what Tebow can do. Basically, I want Tebow to start because FUCK MERRILL HOGE. I actually read Hoge's autobiography which dealt primarily with his cancer and concussions and he said that it really pissed him off that no one thought he could play in the NFL...which is exactly what he's doing now. Asshole hypocrite.

Only terrible teams want to watch Terrible workout. - Terrelle Pryor, who might not even be allowed to participate in the supplemental draft next week, is having his workout tomorrow (UPDATE- CANCELED!). At the time of this writing, the Browns, Cowboys, and Redskins have confirmed that they will be there. Jesus. Those are some awful franchises right there. I firmly believe that every player that I hate should play for the team that I hate the most which means that TP is destined for Dallas. Please be destined for Dallas...or anywhere outside of the nation's capital. The Skins already have a better QB from the Big Ten (Ben Chappell--still waiting to hear if he's related to the Niggar Family though) anyway.

I hate you, Chad. - I would laugh if Chad Johnson was paralyzed. I really would. The bull-riding and reality show and constant's all become too much for me. Now he's going to live with one of his twitter followers. Just die already. No one has thought that you were funny or interesting for a few years now.

MoJo is my favorite player. - He called a spade a spade (no racist!) during the NFC Title game by correctly deeming Jay Cutler a pussy. And I love him even more for coming out and saying that he won't apologize for it. Ever. That's awesome because Jay Cutler is totes a pussy. You will be mine on Saturday, MoJo!

I fully support "Nick Saban, Story Breaker". - Shifting to college for a minute, did you guys catch Saban going nuts for no apparent reason at a presser last week regarding media lies and other random shit? It was priceless. Saban is the most boring man on the planet but I actually like it when he gets all fired up. I can't wait for him to start breaking stories like "Steve Spurrier has dead hookers in the trunk of his car" or "Les Miles had his nose bitten off by a Saigon whore". Why yes, I did watch Dirty Work last weekend.

Killing an old man never sounded more fun. - Seriously, how much fun would it be to "accidentally" tackle Joe Paterno and send him to the hospital? I bet that it's an amazing feeling. I guarantee that he shit his pants, made some weird old man noise on the way down, and then demanded only a white doctor.

So preseason football kicks off tonight. ESPN is televising the Chargers and Seahawks for some reason. Personally, I'm more interested in that Broncos/Cowboys game. The team that Homer Simpson reluctantly owns versus the team that he always wanted to own. Stupid Hank Scorpio...couldn't even get his present right. Now fix that hat!


Prime99 said...

Hilariously, MoJo sat out late in the season, due to injury, when his team had an opportunity to go to the playoffs. Hypocritical? Yes. Dumb? Yes.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm I'm a little puzzled with the shittiness of this weeks comment section. Do we all miss Iceman that much? Is everyone on vacation? The dog days of commenting?

Hey Mr Ape, you can sign as many WR coming off microfracture that you want.

OH NOES! The Fuckeyes might just still be selling their autographs!


Anonymous said...

Where da fuck is everybody?

*Can you give up on your terrible Tebow man crush already? He fucking sucks.

*Dumb NFL player interviews are indeed hilarious. I think the first day back I saw an interview with Brandon Lloyd and the media asked him about Tebow. He wasn't joking when he said this...he was dead serious..but, he said something like "That's what I used the majority of my praying power on in the off-season. Tim Tebow. Making Tim Tebow a better football player". Great Brandon...first off your praying power means absolutely shit...secondly you decided to use the majority of it to make Tim Tebow a better football player? I'm sure God or Jesus or the Muslim guy fucking love your constant prayers to make Tebow better at football isntead of the world better, curing cancer, etc.

*Pretty much the only reason I care about Pryor getting into the supplemental is for G$ to actually be nervous about a fucking supplemental draft...probably teh first and last time that would ever it needs to happen.

*I'd rather see Les Miles go nuts than Saban.


Anonymous said...

But you get my point. Denver is awful with or without Tebow. Might as well play him and see if they need to get into the Luck derby next year.


Anonymous said...

Also, should we be wondering if Grumpy is dead? I can't smell his old man stink anymore.


Anonymous said...

Sorry I've been busy traveling/working/sitting through meetings to comment much.

I agree on letting Tebow start. We already know 2 things: Brady Quinn sucks, and Orton is serviceable but he aint the future. What we don't know is how good Tebow can be. They need to move forward. If tebow doesn't start, well have another "competition" next year.

ESPN's agenda has been particularly interesting this week. They have put OSU in the news just about every day.. Including putting how much JT made over 10 years on their front page. Yesterday, after OSU said there was no letter indicating a new investigation, Pat Forde continued to say there was. How convenient. Anyone else notice that ESPN is trying to keep OSU in the news leading up to the meeting with the NCAA!?


Grumpy said...

I am spending every waking hour breaking down NFL stats from the last 5 years. If I had known how much work this would be I would have just sent you $40 and walked away.

Maybe the comments are a reflection of the quality of the posts, especially Wednesday.

Anonymous said...

Ha, I laughed at espn posting how much Tress made. Is that really news? Who cares!!!

Dut, why are you traveling when you should be planning the DFL golf outing (still no course!)?


The Iceman said...

Tebow of Nazareth should be starting. He can't do worse than Orton did. I'm actually pulling for Timmy to do well because any time someone can make Cowturd eat his own shit, I'm on board. Also, a lot of OSU fans I know have a deep rooted unclear hate for Tebow. It's fun to watch them openly root against players that eventually turn into studs.

MJD won me over when a camera caught him doing the wanking/exploding nut hand signal on a sideline during a game. He will always have a special place in my heart.

Did anyone see that assfuck Roy Williams is back at his hazing shananigans in Chicago? I would tell that fuck face that I only carry pads of players who actually matter...not overhyped, overpaid versions of R. Jay Soward. That fuck should be forced to carry the rookies pads for how he performed in Dallas. He's a perfect edition for Cutlerfucker.

Anonymous said...

An R. Jay Soward reference? I'm impressed.


The Iceman said...

It was either Soward or David Terrell. And I couldn't do that to my boy, D-Ter. I would have used Matt Jones but Williams isn't white and doesn't get caught by cops snorting coke in parking lots...that we know of.